Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

MISSING: My Motivation

What's up with me today? I was on such a high on Monday after weighing in and seeing that I had lost just under 5 pounds in the month since I'd last weighed in. I was so motivated that I worked extra hard that day.

And since then, I haven't been back to the gym.

Granted, it's only been two days but I don't want to fall into the habit of not going again. I was feeling sort of guilty as I passed the gym on my way home today but then I hopped on here and checked in with all of the sites I visit regularly. Boy, did Space Chick lay on the guilt!

Seems she's a runner and has recently gotten back to it. She's run nearly 153 miles since February. I think it's great and I wish her luck and constant motivation! Now, I'm not sure if she's a runner for hobby or health but it doesn't really matter... I read her post and felt like I was being scolded for skipping a second day of working out.

Of course, it wasn't only Space Chick's post. Mary, on her weight loss blog, The Size of My Thighs, has successfully completed the first week of her new diet and has lost nearly 4 pounds. (Keep it up, Mary!)

Everyone is doing things that I should be doing. I've lost approximately 20 pounds this year alone already and it's great. I'm not officially dieting because diets don't work. Oh sure, they may help you lose some weight but how many of them actually help you to keep the weight from coming back? Anyway, before I get completely sidetracked... I'm not dieting but have cut back on my portion sizes and have cut out a lot of junk food type foods that I used to indulge in quite frequently. I've also increased the amount of water and decreased the amount of soda that I drink. Beyond that, I'm trying to work out a few times a week.

I want to keep it up. Did I mention that I wanted to lose 20 pounds by July 1st? I set that goal at the beginning of April and I've lost nearly 5 pounds already. I can do this. I can make this goal... WITH SOME HARD WORK!

Some days it's just so difficult to do it. The excuses are too easy... I'm tired; I don't feel well; I'm too busy; I have other plans tonight; etc. The list of excuses is endless. And at some point, I think I've used the majority of them! I do find though that people that don't belong to a gym or have little need to work out don't understand that the hardest part is actually walking in the door. If you're one of those people, I know it sounds stupid but there is a certain amount of dread... even though this is a good thing that you're trying to do.

I take my exercise clothes to work with me and, on days that I actually go to the gym, change before I leave work thus forcing myself to feel like a real loser if I don't go. And I'll admit that usually, after working out, I do feel better.

So, again I ask, What's my problem today?! I NEED to do this. I WANT to do this. I HAVE to do this. I WILL do this! But not tomorrow because I already have plans... (I wish that was a joke, but it's the absolute truth)!

However, I will promise not to wait until Monday to get back into a routine. I'll get back on Friday. Really, I will!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Blundering Blogger

Well, my last post took only three times to get the "appropriate" or "correct" format. (Hey, it's what I like and it's my blog so humor me).

Wouldn't you know it, as soon as it was published, my links were there too. I'll admit that I'm not incredibly computer savvy but I'm not a complete ignoramous either so it bugs me when something so easy requires so much more effort than necessary. I am really a patient person and it seems a little ridiculous that this problem was bothering me. I just needed to get it out there. (Okay, so I'm a little weird... I've heard it before and I'm sure I'll hear it again...)

The thought did cross my mind to erase the last post from the blog before anyone had a chance to read it, thus saving my pride from the fool's hall of fame. However, I've shared so much about my life with you already that it seems silly to hide this little frustration of mine. There is also the thought that somewhere along the line I'll make a bigger fool of myself... so maybe I should save my sneaky-blog-erasing-ways until that moment!

Formatting Frustration

Lately I seem to be having a huge problem posting here. I'll create my post and hit the publish button but then I'll have to go back for what seems like a hundred times to make sure it actually looks the way I want it to. I like to see spaces between my paragraphs and apparently, this site does not like spaces there.

Today, I am trying to add links to the sites that I visit on a daily basis: Rich Girl, Poor Girl; The Size of My Thighs; The Womb; and Space Chick. However, when I previewed it, it showed up but when I hit that infamous publish button it said it was published but the page didn't change.

I'm getting frustrated. At first, I thought my problems were due to logging on at popular times or having a dial-up modem. But I'm beginning to wonder if I'm that technically challenged!

Let's see how long it takes to get this published to my liking!

Monday, April 25, 2005

A Few Different Thoughts...


Thought 1:

Thanks to all of you who have checked out my blog, especially those of you who have posted comments for me.

I was pleasantly surprised today to see so many comments on my post Should I Share? Since that entry, I had pretty much decided not to share. The thought hadn't really crossed my mind that if he was reading I might censor my thoughts but after reading your comments and mulling it over, I think you all might be right. But I'm healing so we'll see.

So thanks for the feedback.

Thought 2:

I've been a little obsessed, I guess you could say, posting about my ex. Well, I'm going to try to broaden my scope of topics, which leads me to talk about my so far unmentioned quest to shed some pounds.

In October of 2003 I joined a local Curves. This may be a shameless plug (too bad I'm not being compensated for it) but I love this gym. For those of you who don't know, it's a gym for women and it only takes a half hour. Even I can manage a half hour a few days a week and that's saying something!

The weight has been coming off (especially since the breakup) but I'm working hard and trying to keep it up. I'm especially proud of myself because I haven't really felt like going recently. The idea of sitting in front of the boob tube with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough has sounded way more appealing. But I dragged my butt in there today and forced myself to get on the scale... not a bad thing since I've lost just under 5 pounds since I weighed in last month.

My only problem is my clothes. I'm at the point where the pants I'm wearing are literally falling down (and I hate belts so they continue to fall down) but the next size down is still a little too tight for my liking. This is giving me something to work towards and I'm trying to cherish the success that I'm making instead of getting frustrated that I'm not getting into the right size faster.

I know a lot of people join the gym with a certain number in mind that they want to lose or that they want to reach. I've been dieting since I was eight years old and am to the point that I don't really care about the number on the scale. I just want to feel healthy and good about myself. It's starting to work, which is giving me incentive to continue. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Should I Share?

As I've said, a number of times, my ex and I are friends. I'm not saying it's easy but if I want him in my life, and I do, I don't have any other options (he's seeing someone else).

We talk pretty frequently, as of now anyway (he's moving by the end of the month), and I had mentioned to him that I was keeping a blog. He inquired about it... like me a few weeks ago, he didn't know anything about blogs. He questioned why I'd want anyone to read what is essentially my journal. I couldn't quite answer him other than to say that there's a certain thrill in knowing that people are reading. This, of course, posed the question, "who can read this?" I answered that if I provided him with the address, he could read it.

I didn't give him the address at that point but I'm wondering if I should now. Got any advice?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Something Worth Losing

Tonight I watched the newest episode of the WB's show Everwood. I love this show. One of the characters said he was afraid and another responded that fear is good, that it makes you aware that you have something worth losing.

Guess what I thought of? Yep, you guessed it. I thought of my ex. From the very first day we began dating, I was afraid to be without him. But what I now realize is that I was also afraid to be with him.

On some level, I guess I felt that I didn't deserve his love, that I wasn't good enough or hadn't achieved enough to be worthy of his attention and affection. I just haven't yet figured out why I felt that way. But even in my more secure moments, that nagging feeling was still there, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. But did I ever tell him about it? No. It would have been a little difficult, however, seeing as how I only realized it, myself, recently.

Anyway, our relationship grew stagnant from lack of communication. I'm not going to try to convince you that it was all my fault but I do accept partial responsibility. I was afraid to let myself grow or to change in any way, even for the better because, I think, I was afraid that if I changed, I would no longer be the woman he fell in love with and that he would therefore no longer love me.

I know it's foolish. Change is, afterall, the only constant in life.

I knew I had something valuable, something that I didn't want to lose and I let my fears hold me back and push him away. Did I sabotage the relationship from the beginning? How could I do that to someone that I loved (and still love) so much or to myself?

The scary thing is that I gave this person more of myself than I have ever given anyone before. He knows me better than most and still, on some level, loves me despite everything. This is why I have such an intense need to have him in my life still. He is a part of me now and forever and I can't imagine my life without him. And he wants me to be a part of his life. I'm just not sure if he feels the same need that I do.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

This Too Shall Pass

I have had the desire to post something all day but I didn't know what to talk about. This afternoon I witnessed someone else's heartache and here I am.

There was no joy for me in the young woman's pain. I wanted to put my hand on her shoulder and tell her This Too Shall Pass. I didn't though.

I had to stop at the ob/gyn to pick up a prescription. When I pulled in, I noticed a young man outside. By the time I had gotten out of the car and was halfway to the door, the young woman came out. As I got closer I could hear the woman crying, saying, "You're the father. I can't believe you're not going to do this with me."

I don't know if she was upset because he wasn't going in to the appointment or if he was telling her he wanted no part of her and her baby's lives but I didn't stick around to find out.

While I was waiting, she returned to the office, alone, and sat down trying to control her tears. As much as I wanted to offer her some support, I didn't want to intrude on something so personal.

Like I said, I took no joy in her pain. But, in truth, it put my situation in a new perspective. Okay, so I'm not part of a relationship anymore but I'm not single and pregnant, I have family, friends and a job, albeit not a great paying one, but a job nonetheless, and there is love in my life.

A baby is something that should be enjoyed. I can't imagine having to face that situation with a jerk, like this guy seemed to be, or alone. Women do it all the time and I give them kudos but I wouldn't want to do it that way. I hope this young woman finds some peace. My thoughts are going to be with her and I'm going to try to remember that as bad as I think things are in my life, they could always be worse.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Stupid. I've heard this at numerous trainings over the years. Every time I hear it, I nod in agreement, yet, before long I forget the words.

It seems to be something I neglect to do in all aspects of my life. This weekend has been an eyeopener. It's not that I did anything or got insight from anyone... actually I've been sick and holed myself up at home.

I started and finished Three Weeks With My Brother by Nicholas and Micah Sparks yesterday. Nicholas Sparks is one of my favorite authors, everything I've read by him taps so many emotions that I find it impossible not to be engrossed. This book, which was no exception, is the story of a three-week trip around the world the brothers take, during which they reflect on their childhood.

"Never forget that anticipation is an important part of life. Work's important, family's important, but without excitement, you have nothing. You're cheating yourself if you refuse to enjoy what's coming."

Wow. In looking at my life, I can say that I don't live like this. It's no wonder I have nothing and am alone. Sure, people come into my life for short periods but no one stays for the long haul. My ex tried but I see now that I dragged him down until he couldn't take it anymore.

I live in fear, making it difficult for me to do things. The fear is always, somehow, too much for me to work through. But between reading this book and listening to Tim McGraw's song Live Like You Were Dying is making me think of things I'd like to do before I die.

I want to ride in a hot air balloon, go parasailing, ride in a helicopter and travel around the United States. I want to get married and have children, own a house and be the love of someone's life. I want to be happy. I want to conquer as many of my fears as I can and to stop worrying so much about everything.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Yea! There's Someone Out There Afterall!

I fully understand why MMT was so excited to get her first stranger comment a while back.

After wondering "aloud" if there was anyone out there, I took the first step toward finding out. If you've been keeping up with me you know that I am addicted to blog The Womb (Robin, I'm going to encourage everyone to read it... I hope that doesn't put too much pressure on you)!

I'm not one for being at the forefront of things. I am perfectly content to be hidden from view and lurking in the background. After I made my last post it dawned on me that maybe there were people out there reading but that they were like me and don't want to reveal themselves. Following some contemplation and multiple attempts to do so, I finally posted a comment at The Womb expressing my enjoyment of the blog.

I did it! It may not seem like much to a lot of you but for me, it was a huge accomplishment and I'm pretty happy about it. But even more thrilling than actually posting a comment for someone else is getting one back (I love you MMT but it's so cool to hear from people I don't know).

Thanks for your kind words, Robin! I'm going to keep checking in to see what's new at The Womb and hope that Baby R has plenty to say upon his/her birth!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Is Anyone Out There?

Okay, I haven't been at this very long. I've only posted a few things and have only had my blog for a week or two but I keep looking for comments/feedback.

I didn't start a blog to get feedback from strangers. I honestly started just as a form of journaling. Now that I've been at it for a few days and have had the opportunity to read blogs by strangers, I have to say, I would like to hear your feedback.

There are two blogs that I check daily: Rich Girl, Poor Girl and The Womb. The former is by my close friend/cousin, MMT. Although we chat on the phone and on instant messenger quite often, it's good to read about the sometimes incidental goings on in her life.

The latter, The Womb, on the other hand is by a complete stranger. The blog has literally captivated me. Not only is it well written but it's entertaining. I recommend checking it out.

When I get done here, maybe I'll send a comment to The Womb and let the writer know how much I enjoy it.

MMT recently posted her excitement at having received her first stranger comment. She's been posting for a few months now... Maybe I should just chill out and let you comment at your leisure!

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Power of a Compliment

It sounds so silly. If someone looks nice or does something extraordinary, compliment them. Why? Because people don't always know. Because the power of a compliment is completely underestimated.

I've always been uncomfortable receiving compliments because I always wonder if the person giving them is being honest. However, I love to give compliments. I want people to feel good about themselves, their decisions, their actions, etc. And, I must confess, I love being a part of giving them that feeling.

I can honestly say that last night was the first time I can remember receiving a compliment and feeling truly good about it. It was an amazing feeling for me. Maybe it was because I knew it was true. Maybe it was because I knew it was heartfelt. Maybe it was because I am ready to embrace life and be happy.

My ex and I bowl together twice a week. On Thursdays we're on different leagues but on Sundays we're on the same team.

My clothes last night were nothing special, just jeans and a t-shirt. But I took a few minutes to do my makeup, which I seldom wear.

Once we walked out of the alley, he and I hung around talking for a while and he told me that I looked really nice. When we were together he rarely complimented me (I can think of two times, in five years, where he actually came out and complimented me without someone else prodding him or leading him to do so). So while it was a little strange that he waited until there was literally no one within earshot it also made perfect sense somehow. See, our other teammates are men. Could he have waited because he hoped they didn't notice that I looked nice? Could he have wanted to avoid bringing their attention to it, in case it had escaped them? Or could he just have such a hard time offering words of praise that it was difficult enough to do in private?

Regardless, I was elated. I knew it and he knew it and we both enjoyed the feeling though I suspect there was some sadness on his part that he wasn't able to offer this when it mattered most.

I have to give him credit though. First, for acknowledging his previous inability to offer compliments and second, for making a girl with terribly low self-esteem feel elated. That is the best way to describe my feeling from that moment. That is what I mean by the power of a compliment. Looks like we're both beginning to make some changes.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Friends

I think people underestimate the power of friends. I know I have been guilty of neglecting friends and have had to practically grovel for forgiveness when things blew up in my face.

The awesome thing is though, that because these people are true friends, they didn't make me grovel. They listened to what I had to say, nodded their heads and then embraced me back into their lives. How awesome!

I am truly blessed to have made such good friends during my life.

Four people come to mind, that I'd like to thank for their friendship.

MMT: You've been family for 29 years, why didn't it occur to me sooner that you could be such a good friend? Now that we talk so often, we need to try getting together!

Trish: I've known you since 4th grade (that's about 20 years). Can you believe it? I'm amazed that we've become who we are, both on our own and as friends but our friendship has evolved as we've grown, which is evident in light of all of the changes we've been through. I'm looking forward to making up for lost time and being a part of your life again!

Barbara: Thanks for constantly being there to listen to me. It's good to have someone else analyze things once in a while! I appreciated what you said about my not being a burden to you! You rock!

Cindi: How in the world did we ever manage to become friends? Or stay friends for that matter? Who cares? We are friends and that's all that matters! Over the 10 years I've known you, you've always looked out for and supported me. I miss living across the dorm from you but cherish our friendship, phonecalls and brief visits!

Girls, you are the closest four to me and I wanted to let you know I love you. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for you. Thank you for constantly being there and for not holding my mistakes against me. Please know how much I appreciate and love you all!

Friday, April 08, 2005

New to Blogging

I used to keep a journal. It was a great joy and a wonderful outlet to me. I kept up with it until I got too busy. Then I'd start it up again. I finally stopped because after using the computer so much, I hate my handwriting.

Sure, I've heard about blogs but I never knew much about them or had ever read one until recently. See, I'm going through a hard time. After five years, my only significant relationship has ended. I made a lot of mistakes, I admit it. One of the biggest ones being ditching my friends. Now, I'm better off without some of them but there are a few that I have really missed. I believe it's true that when one door closes another one opens. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to reconnect with friends and loved ones, which is how I ended up here. My cousin and dear friend, MMT, introduced me to blogging. Although we're close in age and have always gotten along, because we don't live near one another, neither of us ever thought about picking up the phone. That is, until we graduated college and both had cell phones. Now, every time either of us is in the car, we're on the phone.

It's been great to talk to her so much. We've really become so much more than cousins. We can honestly say that we're friends now. It helps for me that she doesn't badmouth my ex (who I am remaining friends with despite how difficult it is right now).

MMT has become addicted to blogging and recently suggested I check out her page poohbeargs.blogspot.com. Although I've never doubted her intelligence, talent or wit, I have to admit that I'm surprised by her writing. I love reading her blog! But that's what brought me here. The idea of blogging has intrigued me. It's about time I got back to journaling! If you find yourself reading this, I hope I can provide a laugh from time to time or even just a smile. Enjoy!