Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
A Few Different Thoughts...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Should I Share?
We talk pretty frequently, as of now anyway (he's moving by the end of the month), and I had mentioned to him that I was keeping a blog. He inquired about it... like me a few weeks ago, he didn't know anything about blogs. He questioned why I'd want anyone to read what is essentially my journal. I couldn't quite answer him other than to say that there's a certain thrill in knowing that people are reading. This, of course, posed the question, "who can read this?" I answered that if I provided him with the address, he could read it.
I didn't give him the address at that point but I'm wondering if I should now. Got any advice?
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Something Worth Losing
Guess what I thought of? Yep, you guessed it. I thought of my ex. From the very first day we began dating, I was afraid to be without him. But what I now realize is that I was also afraid to be with him.
On some level, I guess I felt that I didn't deserve his love, that I wasn't good enough or hadn't achieved enough to be worthy of his attention and affection. I just haven't yet figured out why I felt that way. But even in my more secure moments, that nagging feeling was still there, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. But did I ever tell him about it? No. It would have been a little difficult, however, seeing as how I only realized it, myself, recently.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
This Too Shall Pass
Sunday, April 17, 2005
It seems to be something I neglect to do in all aspects of my life. This weekend has been an eyeopener. It's not that I did anything or got insight from anyone... actually I've been sick and holed myself up at home.
I started and finished Three Weeks With My Brother by Nicholas and Micah Sparks yesterday. Nicholas Sparks is one of my favorite authors, everything I've read by him taps so many emotions that I find it impossible not to be engrossed. This book, which was no exception, is the story of a three-week trip around the world the brothers take, during which they reflect on their childhood.
"Never forget that anticipation is an important part of life. Work's important, family's important, but without excitement, you have nothing. You're cheating yourself if you refuse to enjoy what's coming."
Wow. In looking at my life, I can say that I don't live like this. It's no wonder I have nothing and am alone. Sure, people come into my life for short periods but no one stays for the long haul. My ex tried but I see now that I dragged him down until he couldn't take it anymore.
I live in fear, making it difficult for me to do things. The fear is always, somehow, too much for me to work through. But between reading this book and listening to Tim McGraw's song Live Like You Were Dying is making me think of things I'd like to do before I die.
I want to ride in a hot air balloon, go parasailing, ride in a helicopter and travel around the United States. I want to get married and have children, own a house and be the love of someone's life. I want to be happy. I want to conquer as many of my fears as I can and to stop worrying so much about everything.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Yea! There's Someone Out There Afterall!
After wondering "aloud" if there was anyone out there, I took the first step toward finding out. If you've been keeping up with me you know that I am addicted to blog The Womb (Robin, I'm going to encourage everyone to read it... I hope that doesn't put too much pressure on you)!
I'm not one for being at the forefront of things. I am perfectly content to be hidden from view and lurking in the background. After I made my last post it dawned on me that maybe there were people out there reading but that they were like me and don't want to reveal themselves. Following some contemplation and multiple attempts to do so, I finally posted a comment at The Womb expressing my enjoyment of the blog.
I did it! It may not seem like much to a lot of you but for me, it was a huge accomplishment and I'm pretty happy about it. But even more thrilling than actually posting a comment for someone else is getting one back (I love you MMT but it's so cool to hear from people I don't know).
Thanks for your kind words, Robin! I'm going to keep checking in to see what's new at The Womb and hope that Baby R has plenty to say upon his/her birth!
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Is Anyone Out There?
I didn't start a blog to get feedback from strangers. I honestly started just as a form of journaling. Now that I've been at it for a few days and have had the opportunity to read blogs by strangers, I have to say, I would like to hear your feedback.
There are two blogs that I check daily: Rich Girl, Poor Girl and The Womb. The former is by my close friend/cousin, MMT. Although we chat on the phone and on instant messenger quite often, it's good to read about the sometimes incidental goings on in her life.
The latter, The Womb, on the other hand is by a complete stranger. The blog has literally captivated me. Not only is it well written but it's entertaining. I recommend checking it out.
When I get done here, maybe I'll send a comment to The Womb and let the writer know how much I enjoy it.
MMT recently posted her excitement at having received her first stranger comment. She's been posting for a few months now... Maybe I should just chill out and let you comment at your leisure!
Monday, April 11, 2005
The Power of a Compliment
I've always been uncomfortable receiving compliments because I always wonder if the person giving them is being honest. However, I love to give compliments. I want people to feel good about themselves, their decisions, their actions, etc. And, I must confess, I love being a part of giving them that feeling.
I can honestly say that last night was the first time I can remember receiving a compliment and feeling truly good about it. It was an amazing feeling for me. Maybe it was because I knew it was true. Maybe it was because I knew it was heartfelt. Maybe it was because I am ready to embrace life and be happy.
My ex and I bowl together twice a week. On Thursdays we're on different leagues but on Sundays we're on the same team.
My clothes last night were nothing special, just jeans and a t-shirt. But I took a few minutes to do my makeup, which I seldom wear.
Once we walked out of the alley, he and I hung around talking for a while and he told me that I looked really nice. When we were together he rarely complimented me (I can think of two times, in five years, where he actually came out and complimented me without someone else prodding him or leading him to do so). So while it was a little strange that he waited until there was literally no one within earshot it also made perfect sense somehow. See, our other teammates are men. Could he have waited because he hoped they didn't notice that I looked nice? Could he have wanted to avoid bringing their attention to it, in case it had escaped them? Or could he just have such a hard time offering words of praise that it was difficult enough to do in private?
Regardless, I was elated. I knew it and he knew it and we both enjoyed the feeling though I suspect there was some sadness on his part that he wasn't able to offer this when it mattered most.
I have to give him credit though. First, for acknowledging his previous inability to offer compliments and second, for making a girl with terribly low self-esteem feel elated. That is the best way to describe my feeling from that moment. That is what I mean by the power of a compliment. Looks like we're both beginning to make some changes.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
The awesome thing is though, that because these people are true friends, they didn't make me grovel. They listened to what I had to say, nodded their heads and then embraced me back into their lives. How awesome!
I am truly blessed to have made such good friends during my life.
Four people come to mind, that I'd like to thank for their friendship.
MMT: You've been family for 29 years, why didn't it occur to me sooner that you could be such a good friend? Now that we talk so often, we need to try getting together!
Trish: I've known you since 4th grade (that's about 20 years). Can you believe it? I'm amazed that we've become who we are, both on our own and as friends but our friendship has evolved as we've grown, which is evident in light of all of the changes we've been through. I'm looking forward to making up for lost time and being a part of your life again!
Barbara: Thanks for constantly being there to listen to me. It's good to have someone else analyze things once in a while! I appreciated what you said about my not being a burden to you! You rock!
Cindi: How in the world did we ever manage to become friends? Or stay friends for that matter? Who cares? We are friends and that's all that matters! Over the 10 years I've known you, you've always looked out for and supported me. I miss living across the dorm from you but cherish our friendship, phonecalls and brief visits!
Girls, you are the closest four to me and I wanted to let you know I love you. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for you. Thank you for constantly being there and for not holding my mistakes against me. Please know how much I appreciate and love you all!
Friday, April 08, 2005
New to Blogging
Sure, I've heard about blogs but I never knew much about them or had ever read one until recently. See, I'm going through a hard time. After five years, my only significant relationship has ended. I made a lot of mistakes, I admit it. One of the biggest ones being ditching my friends. Now, I'm better off without some of them but there are a few that I have really missed. I believe it's true that when one door closes another one opens. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to reconnect with friends and loved ones, which is how I ended up here. My cousin and dear friend, MMT, introduced me to blogging. Although we're close in age and have always gotten along, because we don't live near one another, neither of us ever thought about picking up the phone. That is, until we graduated college and both had cell phones. Now, every time either of us is in the car, we're on the phone.
It's been great to talk to her so much. We've really become so much more than cousins. We can honestly say that we're friends now. It helps for me that she doesn't badmouth my ex (who I am remaining friends with despite how difficult it is right now).
MMT has become addicted to blogging and recently suggested I check out her page poohbeargs.blogspot.com. Although I've never doubted her intelligence, talent or wit, I have to admit that I'm surprised by her writing. I love reading her blog! But that's what brought me here. The idea of blogging has intrigued me. It's about time I got back to journaling! If you find yourself reading this, I hope I can provide a laugh from time to time or even just a smile. Enjoy!