Tonight I watched the newest episode of the WB's show Everwood. I love this show. One of the characters said he was afraid and another responded that fear is good, that it makes you aware that you have something worth losing.
Guess what I thought of? Yep, you guessed it. I thought of my ex. From the very first day we began dating, I was afraid to be without him. But what I now realize is that I was also afraid to be with him.
On some level, I guess I felt that I didn't deserve his love, that I wasn't good enough or hadn't achieved enough to be worthy of his attention and affection. I just haven't yet figured out why I felt that way. But even in my more secure moments, that nagging feeling was still there, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. But did I ever tell him about it? No. It would have been a little difficult, however, seeing as how I only realized it, myself, recently.
Anyway, our relationship grew stagnant from lack of communication. I'm not going to try to convince you that it was all my fault but I do accept partial responsibility. I was afraid to let myself grow or to change in any way, even for the better because, I think, I was afraid that if I changed, I would no longer be the woman he fell in love with and that he would therefore no longer love me.
I know it's foolish. Change is, afterall, the only constant in life.
I knew I had something valuable, something that I didn't want to lose and I let my fears hold me back and push him away. Did I sabotage the relationship from the beginning? How could I do that to someone that I loved (and still love) so much or to myself?
The scary thing is that I gave this person more of myself than I have ever given anyone before. He knows me better than most and still, on some level, loves me despite everything. This is why I have such an intense need to have him in my life still. He is a part of me now and forever and I can't imagine my life without him. And he wants me to be a part of his life. I'm just not sure if he feels the same need that I do.