Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Something Worth Losing

Tonight I watched the newest episode of the WB's show Everwood. I love this show. One of the characters said he was afraid and another responded that fear is good, that it makes you aware that you have something worth losing.

Guess what I thought of? Yep, you guessed it. I thought of my ex. From the very first day we began dating, I was afraid to be without him. But what I now realize is that I was also afraid to be with him.

On some level, I guess I felt that I didn't deserve his love, that I wasn't good enough or hadn't achieved enough to be worthy of his attention and affection. I just haven't yet figured out why I felt that way. But even in my more secure moments, that nagging feeling was still there, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. But did I ever tell him about it? No. It would have been a little difficult, however, seeing as how I only realized it, myself, recently.

Anyway, our relationship grew stagnant from lack of communication. I'm not going to try to convince you that it was all my fault but I do accept partial responsibility. I was afraid to let myself grow or to change in any way, even for the better because, I think, I was afraid that if I changed, I would no longer be the woman he fell in love with and that he would therefore no longer love me.

I know it's foolish. Change is, afterall, the only constant in life.

I knew I had something valuable, something that I didn't want to lose and I let my fears hold me back and push him away. Did I sabotage the relationship from the beginning? How could I do that to someone that I loved (and still love) so much or to myself?

The scary thing is that I gave this person more of myself than I have ever given anyone before. He knows me better than most and still, on some level, loves me despite everything. This is why I have such an intense need to have him in my life still. He is a part of me now and forever and I can't imagine my life without him. And he wants me to be a part of his life. I'm just not sure if he feels the same need that I do.


  • At 4/27/2005 9:39 PM, Blogger Baby Rhiverson said…

    Hi Rebecca.
    This is such a great post. I can't even tell you how true it rings for so many women.
    I guess I just wanted to pass along some supportive words and a great book to read.
    First the book - Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It's awesome, and totally empowering. i think it is possibly the most transformative book I have ever read.
    Second, the support. We all have been there. But, it still kills me that women "give up" so much of themselves to the men in their lives. Love, I have discovered after much unilateral self-sacrifice on my part, is something that has to be about you understanding and knowing who you are, what you need from a relationship, and then not settling for anything other than that. I'm not talking about being a dogmatic bitch. Just not sacrificing the things that are truly important to you for a guy. Also, being comfortable with saying to a person "these are the things that are deal breakers. Let's start out on the same page, not imagine that someday we may get there."
    I met my husband when I was 32 on really what could be considered a blind date. I had dumped my very successful writing career a few years earlier and had a major breakdown of sorts over my lack of being where I wanted to be.
    Anyway, I had stopped dating almost entirely before him. Wasn't going to date anyone who didn't want to eventually get married and have children, no one who wasn't self-motivated. Guys without any compassion, who had no patience, who thought I should cater to them, were just out.
    I remember sitting at dinner with him on our second date and pretty much telling him what I wanted from life. He asked me to marry him that night.
    What can I say. It was the lonliest, most grueling two years of my life before that. But, I had made a choice to respect my needs first. It's an amazing investment.
    Dig in, it's all worth it.

  • At 4/28/2005 11:46 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Wow. Thanks... for sharing and for being supportive. I am trying to figure myself out as well as what I really want now. It's a long and hard road to travel but with support like this, it's only made easier!


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