Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Lackadaisical Day

Today I'm feeling very lackadaisical. But because I don't want to wallow in it, I'm just going to post some of the random activities and thoughts of my day so far.

I am frustrated today. For Christmas, one of the gifts my father got was a DVD player. It made it out of the box but never got hooked up to the TV. About two months ago, I went to Radio Shack and bought a box that I could connect the TV, cable box, VCR and DVD all up to and supposedly have everything work. Well, needless to say, I couldn't get everything to work but I did figure out that I needed an S-Cable.

Today I finally a) had money and b) remembered to get said cable. Well, I STILL can't get the freaking mess to work. It blows my mind that I'm having such difficulty with this. I may be an emotional idiot (ha ha ha) but I really am reasonably intelligent... especially when I have directions! I have, however, once again thrown my hands up in the air in complete and utter frustration.

But that wasn't even the most fun part of my day so far! Because it's such an incredibly nice day (for a change) I decided it would be a good time to give the dog a bath. She has no problem with being outside in mosoon-like weather but turn the hose on her and she couldn't be gone fast enough. Having already known this, I put her on her leash and tied the leash to the deck.

Poor thing was miserable and 95 pounds of wet, miserable dog is no fun for me either! Now, she's an akita and has thick fur so I wasn't about to towel dry her or babysit her until she was dry enough to come in the house. Once she was bathed, I let her off the leash. She promptly ran to the pool (which she thinks is a huge water bowl for her) for a drink and then collapsed under a bush. Why'd I bother, I wonder.

Since I'm losing weight and starting to feel better about myself, I found myself shopping, yet again today. It seems like I'm shopping a lot lately. Okay, it doesn't seem like it... it is that I'm shopping a lot! I guess it's good, insofar as it means that I'm feeling better. At least I got away with only buying two pairs of shoes today (one pair of sneakers and one pair of brown sandals).

I tried on some clothes and even liked one outfit but I refrained from buying it since I'm hoping that by the time the fall rolls around, it'd be too big on me.

Oh, speaking of which, I'm 12 pounds and 4 weeks away from my goal. It's still doable but will require a lot more work than I'm already putting into it. Keep your fingers crossed for me. (This is where you should tell me to get my rear end up from in front of the computer and get out there and exercise!)

For some reason today, I got to thinking about the ex and his birthday (still a few months away). I'm not really sure why but it was a happy thought. I was just remembering how last year I surprised him, at the bowling alley. I had had surgery 9 days before his birthday (to have my gall bladder removed). Since I was at home bored, I mean recovering, I made one of the cakes that his mom used to make for him (it's a white cake with chocolate chips made from scratch... oooohhhh is it good). I stopped at the party supply store and picked up plates, napkins and forks and I hid all of this stuff in the back of my truck. I was sure that when he got in the truck he'd smell the cake but he didn't. So, I waited until his team was practicing before I went outside to sneak everything into the alley. Mind you, it was a Thursday so I wasn't sitting with him, I was with my team. After his first game, when I knew he had gone outside for a cigarette, I brought the stuff down to his lanes and set it up with candles and the works. It really wasn't a lot but he was super surprised and it's the closest thing he's ever had to a surprise party, which I had intended to throw him this year. Oh well. At least I had the opportunity to surprise him last year.

Speaking of the bowling alley, I was going to go and buy a new ball today but now I'm not so sure. I'm sure I need a new ball (it couldn't possibly be my fault I'm bowling lousy lately, it's got to be the ball's fault!) I made it up to the alley this morning but they weren't open yet. Now I'm just not feeling up to it.

I guess it has something to do with my earlier shopping excursion. Like I said, I only bought two pairs of shoes but even as I was buying them, I was thinking that I shouldn't. That maybe... no definately... I should be putting that money into the bank. But the urge to splurge won out. Duh... like I had any doubt that it would.

My best girlfriend from college called me this week from Virginia, where she lives, to tell me that she met a nice guy. And this is a big deal. You have to understand, C, as I'll refer to her, has had terrible taste in men. I'm hoping that this one is nice to her and treats her well. Well, maybe I should put the brakes on... they've only gone out a few times.

She's funny, I went to visit her a few weeks after the big break up and it was good. We laughed at how we'd ever managed to become friends and that we've somehow managed to maintain our friendship. Like I said, we met in college. We lived next door to one another freshman year. She was a cheerleader and I've always despised cheerleaders (every time I ever tried to be friendly with them, they were everything BUT friendly to me). But somehow, we became close and she's the only one from college that I talk to on a semi-regular basis. Well, pretty much at all, if I'm totally honest.

Anyway, C has more experience with men, in more ways than one, than I do and I was telling her that I wished I could be more like her. Do you know what her response was? She said she wished she could be more like me. Now how's that for you? It surprised me to say the least. I guess everyone thinks the proverbial grass is greener on the other side.

I've e-mailed blogger help to find out how in the world to get my profile, links, etc. back to the top of my blog but so far have only received a generic message that says to check out all of the areas I've already looked at to see if the answer to my problem is already out there. I couldn't find it so now I'm waiting to hear back. I'm sure it's something silly. Like, I probably hit something when I was either changing the name of Jen's blog or posting something else. I don't know. I just want help.

But back to Jen's blog. I think it looks so cool. The black background is nice though the white text sometimes makes me cross eyed! But I think it looks especially nice with all of her bird pictures since they are so colorful! Speaking of pictures on Jen's blog, is that new pic you, Jen? The other one wasn't close up so I can't really tell. But this one is awesome. It's quite beautiful.

Well, I've been writing for what seems like a long time so I'm going to save up some of my other random thoughts for another time. Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Only A Temporary Good-Bye (I Hope)

Physically, I'm feeling good today. I worked out hard yesterday and continue to amaze myself. I walked 3 miles along the outside of the track and kept up my pace so that I finished in 36 minutes. Go me!

I'm also feeling okay emotionally. Well, I've got some stuff on my mind, which is, I suppose, why I'm here. Last night the winter bowling season ended. In and of itself, this was not a bad thing. The sad part, for me, is that it ends my twice weekly visits with the ex.

Yes, on some level I think this will help to make the process of letting go easier for me but I know how much I already do and will continue to miss him. Even if we didn't talk much, it was just good to know that he was right there and I have to admit, I've always enjoyed watching him interact with people. He's got a great way with people and it made me smile to catch a glimpse here and there of his smile or to hear his laughter.

Since our arguement last weekend, I feel like things have changed between us. We already don't seem quite as close. We both seem a little more guarded. I hope that in time, as I heal, we'll be able to recapture some closeness and trust because he does mean so much to me.

I never meant to hurt him just as I know that he never intended to hurt me. And he really has tried to make the transition as painless as possible for me. Unfortunately, because of what it is, there was no way to make it completely painless but he did try and I appreciate it and him for his efforts.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. It's just that he was on my mind today and I wanted to take a minute to reflect on everything I'm feeling. I've had difficulty accepting his new relationship and I think that is perfectly normal and acceptable. However, I do want him to be happy. I do think that he deserves to be happy and I hope he knows, despite the changes in our friendship, that I wish him the best and that he always has a friend in me.

I hope even though we're done with bowling (together anyway) that this is only a temporary good-bye. Well, not really... I don't want it to be good-bye at all.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Getting to Know Me (For You)

So a lot of my blogging buddies have been doing lists. It's a cute idea and a great way for people to get to know you. I wanted to hold off on doing that for a while though so as to avoid the impression that I'm swiping other people's ideas. Besides, it's a great idea to keep on the back burner just in case you run out of stuff to write about. But, alas, here I am preparing to offer you such a list! After naming my last entry, I figured I should give you something a little more interesting. Well, too bad, you're getting this list instead!


1. I'm an only child.
2. I've been in love two times...
3. Been burned both times...
4. Haven't lost all hope yet though.
5. I have no desire to travel abroad...
6. There's too much in the U.S. I want to see and I figure that's going to take me a while!
7. I'm very shy.
8. Also, easily embarrassed.
9. I always thought blond hair and blue eyes was "my type" but after my first love everyone else has had dark hair and eyes.
10. I love country music.
11. I love 80s music (especially hair bands, I'll admit it).
12. I saw NKOTB in concert three or four times. (Where'd that come from?)
13. I have only a few REALLY good friends.
14. Seems like I'm the only one out there who's not on the knitting bandwagon.
15. Don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything though.
16. Another bandwagon I never jumped on was getting a tattoo.
17. Thought about it, even went to the tattoo parlor but I chickened out.
18. I'll probably be bald before long, I've dyed my hair so much.
19. I'm not much of a night owl.
20. I love junk food and hate fruits and vegetables (could explain why I'm fat)!
21. Love to write...
22. Used to write for a few hotel trade magazines and then a housewares trade magazine.
23. I watch too much TV.
24. When I fall in love, I lose myself.
25. I'm working on being able to stop that for the next time I fall.
26. I'm not extremely computer savvy. Can anyone explain why my profile, links, etc. is at the bottom of the page? I can't figure it out. I don't think I did anything to change it!

Getting to Know Me (For Me)

Since the ex and I have split, I've been trying to get to know myself. Sounds silly, doesn't it?

How can someone say that after nearly 30 years they don't know themself? How is it possible for someone to be so blind for so long?

Comfort has a funny way of doing that to a person. Well, okay, comfort combined with fear. As I've said previously, I've been afraid of a lot in my lifetime and that has truly held me back, in all areas. But, sadly enough, I was so comfortable in my fear, because I've had it for so long, that I just couldn't bring myself to break out of that miserable cycle.

So here I am. I've been working on me and I've been making progress. I'm feeling good (most days) and I'm beginning to embrace the opportunities that are out there.

It's been a difficult road, letting go of the past. But what do you do when the person you want to hold onto doesn't want to be held? There's not much that you can do, while still keeping your dignity, besides let go so that's what I'm doing.

The weight is coming off (down another 3.5 pounds this month), the smile is coming back, the tears are fewer and farther between and the interest in really living is returning. I'm starting to feel alive again.

I guess he was right. I guess I will be okay. :)

Fairy Tale Faux Pas

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with Mary when I announced that the fairy tales I was so interested in as a kid, were partly responsible for the Emotional Idiot I have become.

I'm not going to say that I am the way I am strictly because of fairy tales or because of my parents or any other influencing factors on my childhood/life. What I am saying is that fairy tales did no favors for me. In fact, I believe that they hindered my growth and emotional well being.

This idea is something I've been kicking around for a little while. I've been interested in writing about it but I don't want to be preachy about it. At this point, I am responsible for my own life. There may have been mistakes made when I was growing up but I'm an adult and need to face the fact that it's time for me to change the things I don't like about myself.

I grew up thinking that love could and would conquer all. Honestly, since everything happened with my ex I wonder if this is true.

I believed that My Prince Charming was out there and would sweep me off my feet... sometimes I even believed this in the most literal sense. Likewise, I knew that when MPC did show up, we would both know and that everything would fall into place. But in reality, relationships take a lot of work.

Surprisingly, Mary agreed with me, at least a little. Looking back, I have to wonder why no one ever challenged me to be an individual. Why was I lead to believe that honestly, though innocently, believing in fairy tales was okay?

It's not that I think fairy tales are evil or wrong or bad. It's just that, I think, if we're going to let young girls especially watch or read them, we have to make sure that we teach them not to sit around and wait, and that we help instill a sense of individuality, empowerment and confidence.

If these things are instilled early enough, maybe the fairy tale dreams could come true.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Interesting Point

I found an article online the other day titled "Girls, your dad is just looking out for your best interest". I've included the URL in case you want to view the entire article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7882721. The headline caught my attention and the article made sense.

Following is an excerpt that struck me as so simple but probably as something a lot of us don't do. I know I haven't been known to follow this rule.

Ever heard of a zero-tolerance policy? It's a fancy way of saying "no second chances." Zero-tolerance is a great rule to have in place when it comes to your love life. That doesn't mean you can't argue with a guy you're dating, or even forgive him for being immature, at times. What it does mean is that no matter what's going on between the two of you — good or bad — you always feel respected. You always feel valued for what you bring to the relationship.

If you have to exercise the zero-tolerance policy, and actually dump a guy, you'll feel lonely for a bit. You'll worry that no other boy is going to want to date you, because you're such a pain. And yes, the boys you break up with because they don't treat you well will tell their friends you're a pain. (Or a bitch, which is the Official Favorite Word of Guys-Who-Treat-Girlfriends-Like-Dirt™.) The thing is, you won't get the reputation you'll worry about getting. At least not among the guys who deserve your time. They'll see a girl who knows what she's worth, and isn't willing to accept any less. And deep down in a place most guys don't even know they have, they'll think, "If a girl that self-confident chooses me, it must mean I'm worth something, too." Any boy who makes that realization is a boy you can bring home to meet your dad.

Excerpted from “Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal,” by Philip Van Munching. Copyright © 2005 by Philip Van Munching. Published by Simon and Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher. © 2005 MSNBC Interactive

Sunday, May 22, 2005

The End

Well, you've all recognized it for a while... now, it has finally hit me with such force that I'm truly startled. It's over. I need to close that chapter of my life and move forward on the next.

I've certainly made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime... a lot of them recently, so it seems. Some are easier to deal with than others but they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Let's just put that to the test!

Last night was a night of heavy thinking for me. I've been trying to "work on me" and make improvements on the things that I don't like but that list goes on and on. So, effective immediately, I am going to focus on letting go. It's time to move ahead.

Thanks for the support you've all offered. It is truly appreciated.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

An Apology

Remember way back when, when I asked for your opinions on whether or not I should give my ex the address to access my blog? And remember how you all said absolutely not? Well, guess what? Yup, that's right, I did it anyway.

He read it then and afterwards we were on the phone and he made some comments, disagreeing with me on some things but he understood that this is where I'm letting my feelings out and that it's good because it's got me writing again.

I didn't know he still had the address until today. It seems that he read at least my last few posts about bringing her to the bowling alley. And boy, was he pissed. He was hurt, first and foremost, because he felt I was smearing his name on the Internet. If I wanted to smear him though, I'd have named him, listed his phone numbers and address and posted a picture of him. But I didn't do that... and I wouldn't do that.

He was also hurt that I didn't say any of the things that I posted to him directly. I said some of it but I don't think he quite grasped how upset I was or would be by his bringing her there. But I was at work when he called. There was only so much I could say there. Not to mention, it took a while to process the information and for my feelings about it to completely develop. Of course, by the time I got there I had convinced myself that I was okay but as soon as I saw her, it hit me that I was not.

Basically, he told me that if I expected to keep him in my life, I'd have to accept that she was a part of it now. He doesn't understand how I can not be ready to move on yet or why I haven't been able to let go. He keeps bringing up how miserable we both were towards the end of our relationship. It's hard for me to explain, even to him.

When I fell in love with him, I fell in love with a wonderful man. Not only was he handsome, but he was generous and romantic and affectionate and all around wonderful. We wanted to spend our lives together. We talked about it all the time. And even better than that, not only was I head over heels in love, he seemed to be too. I was lucky.

But things changed. I'm not sure when, exactly, or why. His attempts at fixing things were more or less trying to push me into doing things. Now, before you all go and get up in arms... the things he was trying to get me to do, are things that I needed (and still need) to do (i.e., get a new job, get out of my parents' house, be more independent, etc.). And I could be wrong, but I don't recall any of his attempts at fixing us being things that would better himself. But like I said, I could be wrong... it's certainly happened plenty before!

My role in our relationship was not so great. I was afraid. Afraid to change, afraid to grow, afraid to talk. I shut down. And that, that is a regret I will live with forever. Again, I'm not sure when this development rolled around or why, I just know that it did.

Anyway, he told me today that he's happy now and that the chances of us ever getting back together are slim to none. That was a slap in the face but I suppose one that was not all that unanticipated, if that makes any sense. However, it could be the wake up call that I needed. Even though I say that I haven't been hoping for a reconciliation, I think I have been.

I cried a lot while on the phone with him. Something I haven't done so much of recently and something that I was trying desperately to control today. He said some hurtful things in the moment but eventually softened his stance.

I think it's going to be very good for me that he's moved away. Even though he's not far away and even though I'll still see him... it's what I need right now.

Now, do I regret giving him the address to find me here? No, honestly, I don't. Am I going to censor myself from here on out, just in case he's still reading? No, absolutely not. Am I sorry that he was hurt by what I wrote? Of course. My intentions have never been to cause him pain. I just hope he comes to understand that just as he says things in the moment, I use this forum to express my feelings, as I'm feeling them. Of course, I need to work on sharing my feelings more verbally, in the moment, which was one of the biggest downfalls of our relationship.

If you're reading this (you know who you are) I hope you know that I never intended to hurt you and I'm sorry that I did, however inadvertantly it was; I do wish you happiness, you've experienced too much pain in your life; I do want to have you in my life, as I've said to you, because you mean too much to me not to have you in my life.

I have a headache now from all of the crying and all of the thinking that I've been doing. And, truthfully, I feel like a loser. But, I'm going to keep working on me and I have faith that someday I'll find happiness.

Feeling Good

As rotten as I felt the other day, I'm still working on me and I'm feeling good. I went out today and bought some more girlie clothes and can hardly wait to wear some of them!

It's a beautiful day here, which always helps to keep spirits up, in my opinion! I was running errands earlier and had the windows open, the radio up loud and my hair blowing in the breeze. It felt great.

I also made it up to the ecology site to walk. I only did a mile and a half today because there were a lot of people there and too many people bug me if they're in my way. There's no reason you need to stroll down the middle of the track. Walk to one side. Preferably the one I'm not on. I make sure, when I walk it alone, that I do it in 18 minutes, which is good, so I hear. But when people get in my way it bugs me. I'm there to walk and work.

Anyway, just to address my last few posts and some of the comments of my very cool friends... thank you for your support and your words of advice. I am paying attention to what you say but seeing as you don't know the ex, except for what I've told you, which is not always all that flattering, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I'm being foolish but I honestly think he's trying to do the right thing. Is his ego being stroked? Of course, but really, who can blame him? Everyone needs that once in a while. Will he be sorry? Maybe. Is it important? Not really. I'll find my happiness. First within myself and then with someone else. All is well today! But thank you and please keep giving me your opinions!

Friday, May 20, 2005

Update

Instead of getting to the bowling alley super early to hang out last night, which I usually do, I made sure to get there only about 20 minutes before we were supposed to start. It was a good move on my part but not really necessary since they didn't show up until later.

Let me just say, before I continue, that I always try to take the high road and be the better person. I don't get any joy out of being rude or hurting people (physically or emotionally). It's just a part of who I am. Not like it's done anything for me (I am still the one who ALWAYS ends up hurting), but that's a whole different story that I'm not currently prepared to go into.

During my league's practice, he walked by and said hello to me. I was perfectly pleasant and said hello back and then got up to practice. SHE had to walk past me a few times to go to and from the bathroom and I ignored her. I didn't make eye contact and I didn't speak to her. I don't like her and was EXTREMELY uncomfortable with her being there. Anyway, it may not have been the most mature thing to do but I figured it was better than verbally assaulting her, which is really what I wanted to do. Well, okay, I wanted to hit her too. The venom I felt last night was unreal.

Some of the ladies on my league, who didn't know we'd broken up, saw the two of them together and were confused. Of course they came to me. I think I handled it well. I told them we'd been apart for a while, not specifying how long a while it had been, and I told them that we were still friends and in many ways were closer now than we've ever been but that I was having some difficulty with the fact that he had this friend with him.

Being women, (those of you who check in with me daily) know that sometimes women are great. These two ladies (who know and like him) gave me their opinions on the situation and on their impressions of her. They told me I could do better and then gave me their very unflattering opinions of her. Then they suggested they set me up with someone.

This idea has merit and I'm going to keep it in mind but, like I told them, I'm just not ready to put myself out there yet. I want to keep working on me for a while before I honestly get out there and "get back on the horse".

Back to my story though... I was finished first and had to walk past them to get out of the building. So when I got to the lanes he was on, I stood back about three feet and chatted with his teammates. She knew I was there and I think I made her uncomfortable because she got up and went to the bar or something. That's when I went and said good-bye to him. Of course, he looked, right away, to see where she was.

I wasn't surprised that he didn't make an effort to talk to me during bowling. He was too far up her butt to notice me. And, because she came out here with him, I knew he wasn't going to call me during the ride home. Still, I shut the ringer on my phone off. I do expect to get a call today to see what my problem is though.

All in all, I felt like a fool last night. People that know us both were looking at me with that look. The one that screams, you poor girl. I never wanted anyone's pity and I resent that he put me in this position though I'm sure it's all her trying to rub my face in it and tell me in no uncertain terms that he's her man now.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

!@#&*$%^$

That JERK (just to keep it PG rated, mind you)!!

He just called me at work to tell me that he's bringing HER to the bowling alley tonight. Now, I understand that the bowling alley is not a sacred place but he doesn't live here anymore. He's going to bring her to this place that, after next week, he'll never have to show his face in again. I, on the other hand, will continue bowling there. Hence, I will feel like the fool.

Am I wrong to be so worked up? It's been almost six months since we broke up but I just cannot accept his "relationship" with this woman. I know her and some of her current circumstances, maybe that's a part of it. This is going to be the first time I'm seeing them together since they started whatever the bleep this is.

He thought he was doing the right thing by giving me a heads up and I guess I'd rather be prepared for it than blindsided with it. But HOW DARE HE?! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! God, sometimes I HATE him! (Okay, not really, but at times like this I almost wish I could.)

Then he has the balls to ask me that I give him the same courtesy before I show up at something with someone else. WHAT? Like it'll matter to him! He's already moved on, what difference will it make to him?

Wait! It gets better... He wants "us" to be able to move past this. He doesn't like seeing me upset and hearing in my voice how disturbed I am by things (but he does things like this anyway). Just because she's going to be there doesn't mean that I can't come talk to him or vice versa, so he says. Well, he NEVER comes down to talk to me during bowling anyway. And if he thinks I'm going to hang around talking to him with her there he's out of his ****ing mind!

Honestly, I don't know how to feel (and I told him this). I told him I wouldn't make a scene (that's not who I am) but I don't think I'll be talking to him tonight. Unless, of course, he comes seeking me out, which I'm not sure he'll do. I can't stand her and I feel very strongly that her intentions toward him are truly evil. On some level, I hope I'm right about that. I am starting to feel better about not being together anymore but I'm so not okay with the idea of her being there tonight. Anyone have anything to help me get through tonight without turning psycho? :)

Not Alone

In recent months I've teetered between feelings of great joy (usually when I've been complimented) and feelings of being totally and utterly alone (thanks to the end of my relationship and my own general lack of confidence).

However, I've realized that I'm not alone. Of course, I've always known this but in the last few days it's really hit home and you know what? It's thanks to you. What I've noticed is that most of the blogs I read are by women that are right around my age. Some are experiencing similar things to me and some are not but either way, there's this support group that makes getting through each day that much easier.

Thanks to Mary for getting me addicted to blogging and thanks to those of you that read me and post stuff that I'm interested in reading too!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

What's Going On...

It's been a few days since my last post and I'm feeling a little scatterbrained so be prepared for some random thought hopping!

Now that I'm starting to feel better about myself and my life I've realized that some of the bad habits I had started to break are rearing their ugly heads again. When I was still with my ex, I didn't have a lot of time for other people. When we split I needed people to lean on and I began calling them. A LOT.

I'm working through the healing process though and, like I said, am starting to feel better/stronger/happier. But I've been noticing that I haven't called these people much lately. Looks like I'm going to making some calls this evening!

Over the weekend I cut and colored my hair, again. It's now just a little past my shoulders and blond. It looks good but it's an adjustment. One of these days, maybe I'll post a picture... it may take a while though since I don't own a digital camera. Ah well, for now I'll just have to remain a mystery!

I also attended a family party of my ex. It was a little strange to be there but not be there with him. However, it was good and I'm very glad I went.

I took the opportunity to get dressed in some of my new and more girlie clothes, which turned out to be a success. I should admit though that I had ulterior motives. Of course, I wanted to have the wow factor on my ex but there's someone at bowling that I've been flirting with, who has been flirting with me recently. He has given me a number of compliments over the last few weeks and I've been loving it. So I brought clothes to change into but purposely waited to change until he had seen me (and complimented me). It's silly and immature but it felt great and I'd do it the same way again, if given the opportunity. :)

For those of you who read my last post... the cockroach is gone... out of sight anyway. Thanks to those of you who shared your thoughts on a certain rude comment too. I guess someone's mother never taught them that if they didn't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. Not that it matters. It did strike me as kind of funny though, that this person had so much to say about something they found so terrible. Whatever.

I'm going to add some new links to my page. There are some new (to me) blogs that I've been checking out and I'd like to share them. On a similar note, it seems that I'm not the only one who has been off of the blog radar for a few days, which makes me feel better. But I am looking forward to seeing some recent posts from everyone!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

A Funny Thing Happened...

A funny thing happened yesterday at work. Of course, it wasn't so funny at the time but it's humor is becoming more obvious to me as some time passes.

We don't have a kitchen at work but we do have a fridge and coffeemaker. So if anyone eats or drinks something and has to wash dishes, they need to either take their dishes home or wash them in the bathroom sink.

I went into the bathroom to wash a mug out for coffee and all was quiet, the morning was kind of lazy even since we'd just gotten a grant out the day before there was a sort of lull to the day. I turned on the water and a HUGE cockroach (at least 2-2 1/2 inches long) came scurrying out of the drain and comes to rest on the floor behind the door.

Always having prided myself on not being the sissy girl who's afraid of bugs, I was a little embarrassed by the sound I made upon seeing this thing. It wasn't a scream but it was enough for my boss to come running asking if everything was okay.

Now, everyone was a little freaked out by the size of this thing but no one really wanted to get near it. We had no bug spray, traps, bait or anything of the sort to make this thing die. I have this weird thing too that if I am going to hear it crunch or feel it squish in a paper towel or under my shoe, I'm not killing it.

This being the situation, the cockroach won. It got to stay. I'm telling you, it wasn't afraid. The light was on and there were a group of people around but this thing just sat there, almost like it was daring us to do something.

Bizarre, I know. But it gets better.

A few hours later I had to go to the bathroom. So I walked in slowly and was looking around. I started to close the door and was all the while looking at the spot on the floor where the thing had decided to reside earlier. It wasn't there. I was safe. Then I looked up. It was on the trim around the door at eye level!

Well, I made that noise again, once again causing a co-worker to come running.

My office is above a pizza parlor so there are going to be bugs, even roaches. I'm as okay as I can be with this but I don't want to see them! This really just freaked me out some. I felt dirty and itchy all day and after this most recent episode refused to use the ladies room. From that point on, the men's room was the only way to go!

Anyway, my first sighting of the cockroach was around 9:30 am. When I left at 5 pm, it was still on the trim behind the door. For the first time in the year and a half I've worked there, I'm not looking forward to returning on Monday! I think that I need to be prepared when I arrive though.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Regret

This morning, on my way to work I was listening to the radio and the morning show host for the only country station I get was talking about regret.

Regret is an interesting concept to me. Ultimately, everything we say and everything we do makes us into the people we are. So how can you legitimately regret something?

I'm not saying that I've never felt the twinge of regret. I have but I try to just learn from those things, not dwell on them and move on.

If I had known five and a half years ago that my ex would become my ex, would I have stayed with him for so long? Probably not but not because I didn't or don't still love him but because I do want and have wanted to get married. If I could go back, maybe I'd have left when the talk about marriage ceased. Or maybe I would have just talked to him about it and rectified the situation before it came down to ending the relationship.

If given the opportunity, I think I might like to see where I'd be now, had I made some different choices. (I have scenes from a few different movies running through my head right now though I can't think of any of the movie names.) Oh well. Everything happens for a reason, right? Hopefully I've learned from my mistakes and won't make them again.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Mixed Emotions

Yesterday, I learned that my inability to verbally communicate with loved ones is a genetic trait.

Pretty pathetic, I know. How did I, after nearly 30 years, suddenly have this epiphany? Well, truth-be-told, I didn't. Mary called me as I was hoofing it around the track to make three miles and she informed me that she is speaking to her ex much more now than when they were together. She also told me that she now feels free to tell him things that she should have but didn't tell him when they were together. For those of you keeping up with me, you know that this is eerily similar to my current "relationship" with my ex.

On that front, things are okay. I still don't really want to hear about the new woman in his life, despite the fact that I keep asking. However, he and I talk frequently about more things and more often even. In one respect I am so happy to have been able to remain close to him because he has been so much to me for so long. In another respect, it makes me terribly sad because I feel like he is perfectly content to be just friends with me... not so terrible until I realize that this means he doesn't love me anymore.

But I do have good news. I have started to feel life bubbling up inside of me (NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT). It's like I'm waking up after being asleep for a really long time. I'm beginning to feel optimistic about the future.

I tried to explain to my friend Barbara today that I've been close to euphoric since receiving my two compliments on Sunday evening. They made me feel really good and I have been doing my best to keep that feeling. Honestly, for the first time in a long time, it hasn't been that difficult. I get all giddy every time I think about it.

Perhaps it has to do with my increased level of activity. On Monday I walked during my lunch break, went to the gym after work and walked 1.5 miles immeadiately after that; Tuesday I skipped the gym but walked three miles; today I also skipped the gym but walked three miles. I wanted to go around at least one more time but Barbara was ready to leave. Tomorrow I'll likely skip everything because of bowling but will get back to the gym and walk on Friday. I am starting to actually "feel the burn" and that is motivating me.

I don't think I'm going to reach my goal. I've gained a few pounds since I last weighed in which is not so terrible but will make my goal that much more difficult to reach. I'm still going to push and see what I can accomplish. If I make it, I'll be really proud. If not, I'll just have something more to work toward.

Monday, May 09, 2005

A Girlie Girl in the Making

Growing up, I was tomboy-ish. I wasn't into girlie girl things. I hated dresses (and pretty much still do), same thing with heels or other girlie type shoes. Makeup? I tried it and wasn't terribly impressed so I abandoned it. Hair? Ha! Remember in the 80s when BIG hair was the coolest thing? Try as I might, I could never get the curling iron to work its magic on me!

It's only now... Now that I'm once again single, now that I'm 7 months away from my 30th birthday that I'm beginning to enjoy all of these things I once hated so much.

Over the weekend, I went shopping with someone I haven't spent time with in a long time. I bought two tops, a pair of capri pants and a pair of very girlie sandals. My old friend was laughing at me. I have known her, literally, since she was born and for most of our lives we were inseperable. Things between us really began to change when I went away to college. We discovered we had seperate lives and we began to enjoy that. But I digress...

She was always the girlie one of the two of us so her feedback was much needed and much appreciated. And in addition to the clothes, I've been wearing makeup much more often than ever before. And, I've even gotten sort of good at applying it! (I don't look like a clown, a HUGE bonus in my book!)

But again, I'm beginning to veer off... even the t-shirts I am buying lately are more girlie (v-necks, a little more form fitting, etc.). Last night I had bowling. My team on Sundays consists of me, my ex, a guy he works with, and a friend of that guy. The guy from work and his friend were at the lanes when I walked over and the friend asked if I was going out afterwards. Clueless as I am, I said no and asked why. He complimented me. He told me I looked really good. The attire was nothing more than a girlie t-shirt, jeans and some makeup. Nothing special but then again... I got a compliment so maybe it was. That's not even the full story though. A little while later, after we had begun bowling, my ex caught my eye and he told me I looked really nice.

TWO! I got two compliments from two men, in one night! Wahoo!

You all must think I'm either really pathetic or really undeserving of compliments by the way I go on and on about receiving them. I wouldn't say I'm undeserving, I just would describe my looks as average. I honestly don't think there's anything extraordinary about my appearance but to toot my own horn for a moment, I have to say that I am fairly attractive.

It's kind of funny, to me, that I'm becoming so girlie. I never really liked girlie girls. I guess maybe it's because somewhere deep inside I wanted to be more like them and less like me.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Why?

I wasn't going to post anything today because I'm feeling a little down. I visited him in New Jersey yesterday and he was miserable because of what's going on with her (much too long, complicated and personal to get into here). I hate seeing him hurt but he walked into this with his eyes wide open to the situation so, in that respect, I don't feel bad for him. I do, however, feel very sad when he talks about her. Why didn't he ever feel that strongly about me? Why hasn't ANYONE ever felt that strongly for me, for that matter? Is it wrong to want someone to feel that strongly about me? Maybe he did at one time but that was so long ago... Anyway, it just makes me sad.

As I was on my way to the grocery store today to pick up the things I need to make my mom a nice Mother's Day dinner, I heard the following song. It's one that I haven't heard in a while but it is sticking with me today. It's by Collin Raye and it's called I Can Still Feel You.


It's that feeling that someone
Is standing behind me
And I turn around and there's no one there
And it's the sensation
That someone just whispered
Yeah and I still hear your voice but you're not really here
Your memory is like a ghost
And my heart is it's host

I can still feel you just as close as skin
Every now and then
All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed
There's a place you've touched
With your love no one gets close to
I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you

You said you'd love me forever
Then you said it's over
And left me without the missing link
I thought I'd forget you
But I guess I forgot to
And lately I've been too confused to think
When I reach for someone new
It's like I'm touching you

I can still feel you just as close as skin
Every now and then
All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed
There's a place you've touched
With your love no one gets close to
I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you

In everything that moves
In everything I do
I can still feel you just as close as skin
Every now and then
All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed
There's a place you've touched
With your love no one gets close to
I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you
Oh I can still feel you

Thursday, May 05, 2005

What's Up With Austin?

Okay, so I signed on today and was checking out my usual sites and saw this on Jen's page, Space Chick. Then I checked out Mary's page, Rich Girl, Poor Girl, and loandbehold, there it was again.

So, not one to want to miss the bandwagon, I have hopped on and found that I am best suited to live in Austin, TX.

I've only been to Texas once. When my cousin Alissa was born. My mom wanted to help out my aunt since Mary, just a few months younger than me, was only three. There are only a few things I remember about the trip. First and foremost being Mary and I playing cowgirls and indians. She had this great little rocking horse. Anyway, I was the indian and Mary was the cowgirl. Brilliant as she is, Mary decided she needed a lasso and swiped one of my uncle's belts from the closet. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor with blood oozing from my head... Maybe that explains some things!

Another thing I remember is thinking it would be so cool to ride in the back of my uncle's pickup. I don't think we were allowed and I think I was promised that we could the next time we visited, which turned out to be never. Finally, I remember going to "school" with Mary and making a necklace with a mustard seed and my name spelled out in some sort of pasta inside some sort of glass or plastic. You'd have to see it but take my word, it was very cool.

My point, however, was that it seems to be that EVERYONE would do well in Austin. Guess I'd have to visit or at least learn more about it to really understand why it's my number one place.








American Cities That Best Fit You:



80% Austin

65% Atlanta

60% Denver

55% Honolulu

55% Miami






So completely unrelated to anything else I've written tonight... I want to share what a great feeling I had earlier today.

I took the afternoon off (used a 1/2 a sick day) for a doctor's appointment. (Everything's fine). Anyway, this doctor is near my last place of employment. As I'm leaving the appointment and nearing my old office, I notice that the person driving behind me is someone that works there that I haven't seen since I left a year and a half ago. We sometimes talk on e-mail but that's about it so it was kind of a big deal to see him.

He didn't realize it was me so I drove up to the office and met him when he was pulling into a parking space. In his second or third sentence to me, he complimented me. (Since I saw him last I've lost 46 pounds and colored my hair.) Anyway, he stood outside and talked to me for a while. It was really nice because he was genuinely pleased to see me and vice versa.

Wait! It gets better! I was feeling good at having seen him, number one, and at having received a compliment so I left on a high. I decided, at this point, to finally bite the bullet and go shopping for a pair of jeans that fit right. I found a pair and bought them along with a really pretty blouse that I plan to wear to a party of my ex's family next weekend. It's nothing too fancy but it's more snug than I usually am comfortable wearing and it's an awesome color. It's somewhere between orange and salmon. It's got a v-neck, is snug at the bust with an empire waist, and it has frilly-ish sleeves. It's VERY girlie, something that I have never been before! I felt good in viewing my reflection. Even though I'm not counting on getting back together with my ex, I'm not counting it out either. But I do want that wow factor.

And then I had bowling and somehow managed to bowl all three games above my average. My average, on my Thursday league is a 160... I bowled a 173, 189 and 187 tonight. I was pretty impressed with myself!

I didn't exercise today but since I anticipated this yesterday, I walked during lunch, worked out after work and walked around the track at the ecology site twice yesterday. My legs are a little sore today but I'm feeling good about being so active. It's about time I started to take care of myself!

And speaking of taking care of myself, I'm signing off (as soon as I check in one last time with everyone) and going to sleep! See you all soon!


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

A Walking Fool

I am a walking fool today. During lunch, my boss and I walked around town. I'm not sure how far we walked but I'd guess it was about a mile. After work I skipped the gym and went up to the local ecology site where there is a track and I walked that by myself.

The ecology site is cool. There are swimming pools, a petting zoo and the track. There may even be more stuff there. It's been probably 7 years since I was last there though so I'm not sure. But that's not the point. The point is that, to my recollection, the track is a mile and a half long. There are some small hills and valleys and it's not oval like the track at a school. It makes it a little more interesting.

Anyway, I stuck to the outside of the track the entire way around and I tried to keep a pretty good pace (I made it around in exactly 20 minutes, I'm not sure if that's good or not but by next week maybe I can make it in 18). This was no stroll for me. It was the first day of actively reaching for my goal. Of course, I should have skipped the slice of white pizza and gone with a salad for lunch...

I didn't drink quite as much water today either. I was so nauseous yesterday that it made my time at the gym difficult, but not quite impossible, to complete. It didn't really matter today because I had the same feeling by the time I completed my walk anyway. Then again my head is pounding today. Someone needs to silence the little man with the hammer in my head!

I figure if I walk during lunch with my boss twice a week, go to the gym three times a week and walk at the ecology site two or three times a week, I should have no problem reaching my goal. Keep your fingers crossed for me though. As I've said in earlier posts, I've already lost a pretty significant amount so far this year so I'm a little bit afraid that my body won't allow me to reach this goal. But you'd better believe I'm going to push and do everything I can to reach it! Right now, it's the only thing that makes me feel better.

Monday, May 02, 2005

A Train Wreck Waiting To Happen

He is the train. The path he is on is the track, appropriately enough. My heart... well, my heart is the car that has stalled out in the train's path and I am the driver of said car who knows what is about to happen but is frozen with fear and who still cannot manage to look away.

After my earlier post this image came to me and it's been so strong that I had to share it. I'm leaving this post short tonight though (since it is my 3rd one today)!


Back in the Saddle

Today I drank a lot of water, I grabbed a salad for lunch and after work I went to the gym. It wasn't easy. I didn't want to go but I knew I had to. It's the only way I'm going to reach my goal on time. And believe me, time is ticking away. I've got two months to lose 15 pounds. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm trying to do this too quickly. I have afterall already lost a pretty significant amount this year.

Reminding myself of my goal is what made me go to the gym today even though I had about a thousand excuses not to. But I got there and worked hard, granted, I didn't work quite as hard as I did last week but I didn't drag my butt either.

It's only as I'm preparing this entry that I'm beginning to understand why (I think) I'm lacking motivation lately. I'm feeling sad again. It's that simple. Some days I feel good and some days I just don't. On good days I know I'm healing and I recognize how much I've grown in the last four months. Every other day makes me feel like I'm walking backwards.

This is a rough road to travel but I'm thankful for those people that I am close to (especially my new blogger buddies... you keep me writing)! I will heal. I will be okay. I will make my goal and then procede with new goals. I am confident of all of these things and that my friends is a feeling that I am not used to having!

Tonight I Listened

Tonight I listened to someone very close to me. He needed to talk and while it was easy to hear what he said, it was difficult to listen. Believe it or not, there is a difference. Hearing is merely hearing the words or the sounds that create words. Listening is focusing on the words, the tone, the meaning, etc. So, because he needed me, tonight I listened.

The pain was evident. The sleeplessness was apparent. The appetite was gone (pretty sad since I sprung for dinner). The questions came a full force. Why me? What have I done to deserve this? When is it going to be my chance? Will I ever find happiness?

Okay, so not all of these questions were actually spoken but when I listened, truly listened, they were there. But not only did his demeanor, tone, attitude, etc. speak them... my mind was screaming them too.

Why me? That's a good one. I'm a firm believer in the saying that if something is meant to be, it will be. That doesn't make it easier to get through things... at least not when you're hurting. But, I also believe in the saying that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. As I heal from my own hurt, I believe this more and more. I am stronger. I know I've always been stronger than I thought but now it's starting to show.

What have I done to deserve this? Another good one. Maybe you've made some bad choices. Maybe you're not in tune with yourself enough to know what it is that you really want. Maybe you're scared to find out.

When is it going to be my chance? I speak these words pretty frequently. I always knew I'd be one of the first, from my circle of friends, to get married after high school. Ten years later I'm one of the last of us who is still single. Does it suck? Yea, sometimes it does. But I've come to learn that the grass always appears greener on the other side but sometimes all it is, is an appearance. Sometimes what you're looking for turns out to be right in front of your face. It's just up to you to acknowledge it, embrace it and move forward with it.

Will I ever find happiness? I have come to learn recently that our happiness is up to us. We cannot expect someone else to make us happy. It doesn't work that way. We have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with someone else. I'm learning how to be happy with who I am and a part of that journey is changing the things I don't like.

This person, the one with all of these questions, has helped me to learn a lot about myself that I was previously afraid to learn. He has made me stronger, helping me to grow as an individual. He is also one of the few people I can honestly say I would do anything (well, just about anything) for. My love for him runs deep, which makes it hurt pretty badly sometimes but I'll continue to support him, advise him, console him and give him a good swift kick in the butt when he needs it. He's always done that for me, it seems like the least I can do.

I guess that what I really wanted to do tonight was to say thank you to him and tell him that I am ALWAYS here to offer him the support, love and understanding he's offered to me for so long.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Random Thoughts

Tonight I'm just going to post some random thoughts...

I signed on and was looking at the posting screen for a while trying to decide what to write about. I've been wanting to write all day but wasn't sure what to say. Work seems too boring even though it's been kind of busy these last few weeks. I recently said I wasn't going to talk about my ex so much so that rules out that topic. I could talk about my family, or my dog, or bowling but nothing seemed to be really nagging at me... except a desire to write something. But I didn't want to write about something silly and I wanted to be interesting.

Well, after staring at the screen for a while, I decided to check in with the blog sites I check on a daily basis. (By the way, thanks again to those of you reading what I'm writing... it's a great excuse to make sure I write often and I need it!) Mary and Robin haven't posted anything new since I last checked but Jen, aka Space Chick, did.

I have to say, I love Jen! I'm not some psycho or stalker or anything. I just feel like I've got quite a bit in common with her and often seem to be on the same wavelength. For example, I checked her page tonight and she wrote about her day and how it was "boring". She also talked about the weather. I had been contemplating writing about these two very same topics tonight!

Fortunately for her, Jen was able to spend the day in and around the pool. It's been raining here all day. I don't mind the rain. Especially on days when I'm feeling a little down. It may sound strange but it's almost comforting.

But today was not one of those days. I had lunch and great conversation with a very close friend today and even got some laundry done. I also bowled (my one league had to make up a night we missed for snow earlier in the season). I did lousy. Didn't hit my average (a 162) all night. Thank goodness that the teammates of mine that were there tonight were able to more or less make up for me. I feel bad though. It seems like they're always making up for me. Then again, what should I expect when I have the lowest average on the team?

The weather got me to thinking about last Saturday night when it was also raining. I did say I wasn't going to talk about my ex a lot anymore but while this involves him, it's really about me. Last Saturday night I went to see him at his new apartment. There's nothing thrilling about this if left at this. However, he moved out of state. I live on Long Island and he has moved to New Jersey. Again, not such a big deal. Unless you're me.

I've never been 100% comfortable driving. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, when I first got my license, I told a friend of mine not to be upset if she got a call that I'd been in a car accident, because I was convinced that that was how I was going to "go". Knock on wood, though there have been a few fender benders (not always my fault) there hasn't been anything more serious.

Anyway, never having had a reason to drive off of Long Island, I never did. Until last Saturday. I made it there with just one mistake. The way home was more difficult because it was raining so hard I could hardly make out the lines on the road and there was a lot of traffic. I called my ex about 20 minutes into the drive home and told him I couldn't possibly read my directions with so much rain and traffic. He was great. He stayed on the phone with me until I got onto the Island and then called me back every 15-20 minutes until I got home to make sure that I was okay and not in danger of falling asleep (it had been a long day for me).

When I said this part of the post was about me, I wasn't kidding. I was so excited about having done this trip alone. I wasn't totally alone because I was on the phone with him for the majority of the trip but I was driving this route. I felt like I could do anything at that point. The rush was intense.

I've doubted myself for too long. It's time to stop, breathe and believe. I did it! Sure, anything could have happened but, except for a few little detours, it was a smooth trip. It was an accomplishment for me and I'm proud of myself.

Since this entry is about some of my more random thoughts, I'm going to change subjects, kind of abruptly. I just wanted to say that the other night there was question on Jeopardy in which the answer was Merritt Island. (Jen, if I hadn't started reading your blog I never would have gotten the answer right! Thanks!)

Another random thought... I put a counter on my blog today. I've seen them and been curious but today was the day I did something about it. I'm looking forward to seeing how many people check out my Home of an Emotional Idiot blog.

Well, enough random thoughts for tonight. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting for you soon!