Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Saturday, May 21, 2005

An Apology

Remember way back when, when I asked for your opinions on whether or not I should give my ex the address to access my blog? And remember how you all said absolutely not? Well, guess what? Yup, that's right, I did it anyway.

He read it then and afterwards we were on the phone and he made some comments, disagreeing with me on some things but he understood that this is where I'm letting my feelings out and that it's good because it's got me writing again.

I didn't know he still had the address until today. It seems that he read at least my last few posts about bringing her to the bowling alley. And boy, was he pissed. He was hurt, first and foremost, because he felt I was smearing his name on the Internet. If I wanted to smear him though, I'd have named him, listed his phone numbers and address and posted a picture of him. But I didn't do that... and I wouldn't do that.

He was also hurt that I didn't say any of the things that I posted to him directly. I said some of it but I don't think he quite grasped how upset I was or would be by his bringing her there. But I was at work when he called. There was only so much I could say there. Not to mention, it took a while to process the information and for my feelings about it to completely develop. Of course, by the time I got there I had convinced myself that I was okay but as soon as I saw her, it hit me that I was not.

Basically, he told me that if I expected to keep him in my life, I'd have to accept that she was a part of it now. He doesn't understand how I can not be ready to move on yet or why I haven't been able to let go. He keeps bringing up how miserable we both were towards the end of our relationship. It's hard for me to explain, even to him.

When I fell in love with him, I fell in love with a wonderful man. Not only was he handsome, but he was generous and romantic and affectionate and all around wonderful. We wanted to spend our lives together. We talked about it all the time. And even better than that, not only was I head over heels in love, he seemed to be too. I was lucky.

But things changed. I'm not sure when, exactly, or why. His attempts at fixing things were more or less trying to push me into doing things. Now, before you all go and get up in arms... the things he was trying to get me to do, are things that I needed (and still need) to do (i.e., get a new job, get out of my parents' house, be more independent, etc.). And I could be wrong, but I don't recall any of his attempts at fixing us being things that would better himself. But like I said, I could be wrong... it's certainly happened plenty before!

My role in our relationship was not so great. I was afraid. Afraid to change, afraid to grow, afraid to talk. I shut down. And that, that is a regret I will live with forever. Again, I'm not sure when this development rolled around or why, I just know that it did.

Anyway, he told me today that he's happy now and that the chances of us ever getting back together are slim to none. That was a slap in the face but I suppose one that was not all that unanticipated, if that makes any sense. However, it could be the wake up call that I needed. Even though I say that I haven't been hoping for a reconciliation, I think I have been.

I cried a lot while on the phone with him. Something I haven't done so much of recently and something that I was trying desperately to control today. He said some hurtful things in the moment but eventually softened his stance.

I think it's going to be very good for me that he's moved away. Even though he's not far away and even though I'll still see him... it's what I need right now.

Now, do I regret giving him the address to find me here? No, honestly, I don't. Am I going to censor myself from here on out, just in case he's still reading? No, absolutely not. Am I sorry that he was hurt by what I wrote? Of course. My intentions have never been to cause him pain. I just hope he comes to understand that just as he says things in the moment, I use this forum to express my feelings, as I'm feeling them. Of course, I need to work on sharing my feelings more verbally, in the moment, which was one of the biggest downfalls of our relationship.

If you're reading this (you know who you are) I hope you know that I never intended to hurt you and I'm sorry that I did, however inadvertantly it was; I do wish you happiness, you've experienced too much pain in your life; I do want to have you in my life, as I've said to you, because you mean too much to me not to have you in my life.

I have a headache now from all of the crying and all of the thinking that I've been doing. And, truthfully, I feel like a loser. But, I'm going to keep working on me and I have faith that someday I'll find happiness.

3 Comments:

  • At 5/21/2005 7:55 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    Rebecca, I think you were right in what you said about it being the wake-up call you needed. Because it has been very clear from your previous posts that you were still clinging to the hope of getting back together with your ex. You will eventually meet the right person, and you will be amazed that you will not even think about this guy anymore. When you find the right person, he will not be trying to change you or push you, but let you develop and grow on your own terms and in your own time. He will find your quirks to be "cute" and think you are the greatest person on earth, flaws and all. He will not care how much you weigh, or if you wear makeup, and will think that you look good in anything you wear. He will do anything for you, and he is out there, so just look forward to the day when you meet him.

     
  • At 5/21/2005 7:58 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    By the way, I am a bit disappointed that you gave him the address!

     
  • At 5/22/2005 10:07 AM, Blogger Jen said…

    I read your comment over on my blog about being sad that I was disappointed in you, and I responded to it there, but I will point out here too, if you look at the comment, I said I was disappointed that you gave him the address, not disappointed in you! Everyone does what they have to do, and it is certainly different from your perspective than from mine as an outsider.

     

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