Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Mixed Emotions

Yesterday, I learned that my inability to verbally communicate with loved ones is a genetic trait.

Pretty pathetic, I know. How did I, after nearly 30 years, suddenly have this epiphany? Well, truth-be-told, I didn't. Mary called me as I was hoofing it around the track to make three miles and she informed me that she is speaking to her ex much more now than when they were together. She also told me that she now feels free to tell him things that she should have but didn't tell him when they were together. For those of you keeping up with me, you know that this is eerily similar to my current "relationship" with my ex.

On that front, things are okay. I still don't really want to hear about the new woman in his life, despite the fact that I keep asking. However, he and I talk frequently about more things and more often even. In one respect I am so happy to have been able to remain close to him because he has been so much to me for so long. In another respect, it makes me terribly sad because I feel like he is perfectly content to be just friends with me... not so terrible until I realize that this means he doesn't love me anymore.

But I do have good news. I have started to feel life bubbling up inside of me (NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT). It's like I'm waking up after being asleep for a really long time. I'm beginning to feel optimistic about the future.

I tried to explain to my friend Barbara today that I've been close to euphoric since receiving my two compliments on Sunday evening. They made me feel really good and I have been doing my best to keep that feeling. Honestly, for the first time in a long time, it hasn't been that difficult. I get all giddy every time I think about it.

Perhaps it has to do with my increased level of activity. On Monday I walked during my lunch break, went to the gym after work and walked 1.5 miles immeadiately after that; Tuesday I skipped the gym but walked three miles; today I also skipped the gym but walked three miles. I wanted to go around at least one more time but Barbara was ready to leave. Tomorrow I'll likely skip everything because of bowling but will get back to the gym and walk on Friday. I am starting to actually "feel the burn" and that is motivating me.

I don't think I'm going to reach my goal. I've gained a few pounds since I last weighed in which is not so terrible but will make my goal that much more difficult to reach. I'm still going to push and see what I can accomplish. If I make it, I'll be really proud. If not, I'll just have something more to work toward.

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