Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Friday, May 27, 2005

Only A Temporary Good-Bye (I Hope)

Physically, I'm feeling good today. I worked out hard yesterday and continue to amaze myself. I walked 3 miles along the outside of the track and kept up my pace so that I finished in 36 minutes. Go me!

I'm also feeling okay emotionally. Well, I've got some stuff on my mind, which is, I suppose, why I'm here. Last night the winter bowling season ended. In and of itself, this was not a bad thing. The sad part, for me, is that it ends my twice weekly visits with the ex.

Yes, on some level I think this will help to make the process of letting go easier for me but I know how much I already do and will continue to miss him. Even if we didn't talk much, it was just good to know that he was right there and I have to admit, I've always enjoyed watching him interact with people. He's got a great way with people and it made me smile to catch a glimpse here and there of his smile or to hear his laughter.

Since our arguement last weekend, I feel like things have changed between us. We already don't seem quite as close. We both seem a little more guarded. I hope that in time, as I heal, we'll be able to recapture some closeness and trust because he does mean so much to me.

I never meant to hurt him just as I know that he never intended to hurt me. And he really has tried to make the transition as painless as possible for me. Unfortunately, because of what it is, there was no way to make it completely painless but he did try and I appreciate it and him for his efforts.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. It's just that he was on my mind today and I wanted to take a minute to reflect on everything I'm feeling. I've had difficulty accepting his new relationship and I think that is perfectly normal and acceptable. However, I do want him to be happy. I do think that he deserves to be happy and I hope he knows, despite the changes in our friendship, that I wish him the best and that he always has a friend in me.

I hope even though we're done with bowling (together anyway) that this is only a temporary good-bye. Well, not really... I don't want it to be good-bye at all.


  • At 5/27/2005 10:29 AM, Blogger patrice said…

    honestly? as an outsider, I feel like the bowling season ending is probably the best thing for you right now. I can only comment on what you've written, not what's in your head, but it seems like as long as you see him and hear his laughter, you're going to have a little flame inside. and missing him now is that flame inside not wanting to die. but it has to...because in my own experience, you can't be friends with an ex lover if there's any small flicker of a flame. imagine if he brought his new girlfriend again...wouldn't it be nice if you could see that and it wouldn't bother you? (at least not alot.)

    that's going to take time. time AWAY from him. that's my 3 cents, anyway. who knows.

  • At 5/27/2005 11:25 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    I agree with you Patrice. It is good that this chapter is over. It'll give me some time to heal without the constant reminder of what I don't have. But I also think that I was making it more difficult on myself because I was refusing to move forward. Since I've made the conscience decision to let go, it should be easier now. I am cautiously optimistic that we'll get past this and wind up with a wonderful friendship and I feel good about that feeling right now!

  • At 5/27/2005 12:00 PM, Blogger ramblin' girl said…

    IMHO, a break will definitely help.

    One thing in particular that caught my attention in your post... the part about you wanting to make him happy...

    You need to make yourself happy, first and foremost. That may require some letting go at first, but in the end you can't be happy seeing your ex constantly while he's moved on and you haven't completely...

    Trust me, I know it's tough, but eventually it will get better!

  • At 5/27/2005 1:10 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    I agree with Patrice and RG, the time away from him will do you a lot of good, and you have to be happy in your self. I think if you can say goodbye to him for an extended period of time, you will have a new perspective on things, but that would mean not seeing or talking to him for a while and you may not be ready to do that. Good luck whatever you decide and keep us posted.

  • At 5/27/2005 1:33 PM, Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said…

    Ditto to everyone else - you have to figure out what you want and what will make you happy. I'm still working on that. LOL.

  • At 5/27/2005 7:38 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    As I've said before, I appreciate the support and advice I get from everyone, regardless of whether or not I follow it. But I do want to clarify one thing... I didn't say, in this post, that I want to MAKE him happy. What I said is that I want to SEE him happy. And I will continue doing things to find my own happiness in the meantime.

  • At 5/28/2005 11:08 AM, Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said…

    You know we will be there to love and support you no matter what. That's the best thing about friends : )

  • At 5/30/2005 11:02 AM, Blogger srini said…

    you are admirable. its only a great persona that can wish for good of another who has wronged her. and thats what you are doing. thats pure love and i am sure that such pure love can never be wronged.

    if he is destined to come back - he will. anyways you have to continue your journey. like i said earlier stop looking back except to learn - not repent/not sulk!


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