Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Monday, May 02, 2005

Tonight I Listened

Tonight I listened to someone very close to me. He needed to talk and while it was easy to hear what he said, it was difficult to listen. Believe it or not, there is a difference. Hearing is merely hearing the words or the sounds that create words. Listening is focusing on the words, the tone, the meaning, etc. So, because he needed me, tonight I listened.

The pain was evident. The sleeplessness was apparent. The appetite was gone (pretty sad since I sprung for dinner). The questions came a full force. Why me? What have I done to deserve this? When is it going to be my chance? Will I ever find happiness?

Okay, so not all of these questions were actually spoken but when I listened, truly listened, they were there. But not only did his demeanor, tone, attitude, etc. speak them... my mind was screaming them too.

Why me? That's a good one. I'm a firm believer in the saying that if something is meant to be, it will be. That doesn't make it easier to get through things... at least not when you're hurting. But, I also believe in the saying that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. As I heal from my own hurt, I believe this more and more. I am stronger. I know I've always been stronger than I thought but now it's starting to show.

What have I done to deserve this? Another good one. Maybe you've made some bad choices. Maybe you're not in tune with yourself enough to know what it is that you really want. Maybe you're scared to find out.

When is it going to be my chance? I speak these words pretty frequently. I always knew I'd be one of the first, from my circle of friends, to get married after high school. Ten years later I'm one of the last of us who is still single. Does it suck? Yea, sometimes it does. But I've come to learn that the grass always appears greener on the other side but sometimes all it is, is an appearance. Sometimes what you're looking for turns out to be right in front of your face. It's just up to you to acknowledge it, embrace it and move forward with it.

Will I ever find happiness? I have come to learn recently that our happiness is up to us. We cannot expect someone else to make us happy. It doesn't work that way. We have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with someone else. I'm learning how to be happy with who I am and a part of that journey is changing the things I don't like.

This person, the one with all of these questions, has helped me to learn a lot about myself that I was previously afraid to learn. He has made me stronger, helping me to grow as an individual. He is also one of the few people I can honestly say I would do anything (well, just about anything) for. My love for him runs deep, which makes it hurt pretty badly sometimes but I'll continue to support him, advise him, console him and give him a good swift kick in the butt when he needs it. He's always done that for me, it seems like the least I can do.

I guess that what I really wanted to do tonight was to say thank you to him and tell him that I am ALWAYS here to offer him the support, love and understanding he's offered to me for so long.


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