Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Friday, May 20, 2005

Update

Instead of getting to the bowling alley super early to hang out last night, which I usually do, I made sure to get there only about 20 minutes before we were supposed to start. It was a good move on my part but not really necessary since they didn't show up until later.

Let me just say, before I continue, that I always try to take the high road and be the better person. I don't get any joy out of being rude or hurting people (physically or emotionally). It's just a part of who I am. Not like it's done anything for me (I am still the one who ALWAYS ends up hurting), but that's a whole different story that I'm not currently prepared to go into.

During my league's practice, he walked by and said hello to me. I was perfectly pleasant and said hello back and then got up to practice. SHE had to walk past me a few times to go to and from the bathroom and I ignored her. I didn't make eye contact and I didn't speak to her. I don't like her and was EXTREMELY uncomfortable with her being there. Anyway, it may not have been the most mature thing to do but I figured it was better than verbally assaulting her, which is really what I wanted to do. Well, okay, I wanted to hit her too. The venom I felt last night was unreal.

Some of the ladies on my league, who didn't know we'd broken up, saw the two of them together and were confused. Of course they came to me. I think I handled it well. I told them we'd been apart for a while, not specifying how long a while it had been, and I told them that we were still friends and in many ways were closer now than we've ever been but that I was having some difficulty with the fact that he had this friend with him.

Being women, (those of you who check in with me daily) know that sometimes women are great. These two ladies (who know and like him) gave me their opinions on the situation and on their impressions of her. They told me I could do better and then gave me their very unflattering opinions of her. Then they suggested they set me up with someone.

This idea has merit and I'm going to keep it in mind but, like I told them, I'm just not ready to put myself out there yet. I want to keep working on me for a while before I honestly get out there and "get back on the horse".

Back to my story though... I was finished first and had to walk past them to get out of the building. So when I got to the lanes he was on, I stood back about three feet and chatted with his teammates. She knew I was there and I think I made her uncomfortable because she got up and went to the bar or something. That's when I went and said good-bye to him. Of course, he looked, right away, to see where she was.

I wasn't surprised that he didn't make an effort to talk to me during bowling. He was too far up her butt to notice me. And, because she came out here with him, I knew he wasn't going to call me during the ride home. Still, I shut the ringer on my phone off. I do expect to get a call today to see what my problem is though.

All in all, I felt like a fool last night. People that know us both were looking at me with that look. The one that screams, you poor girl. I never wanted anyone's pity and I resent that he put me in this position though I'm sure it's all her trying to rub my face in it and tell me in no uncertain terms that he's her man now.

3 Comments:

  • At 5/20/2005 11:21 AM, Blogger Baby Rhiverson said…

    Rebecca,
    It sounds to me like you handled an ugly, emotional situation with just about as much grace as anyone is capable of mustering. Really, I admire you for not just laying her out on one of the lanes. There's nothing worse than feeling emotionally compromised and having no control over how it all goes down.

    That said, I think you took a huge step in defining who you are last night. He obviously has some major conflict going on in terms of how he views love and friendship. That sucks. And NO WOMAN deserves to be abused like that - even though he's couching it as friendship (I know that sounds harsh. But, would you tell another girlfriend of yours to stay in a relationship with a man who is cheating on her? He may not be physically involved with you. But, he's emotionally abusing both you and this other woman, seriously).

    I know it hurt you deeply to deal with last night. But, in the end, you need to at least be willing to step away from these situations and say "I refuse to be second, ever." Believe me, I've done it. It nearly killed me and it took me a long time to get back on my feet. But, it was the most self-empowering, strengthening step I ever took in my life. I decided what I wanted and didn't veer from it in terms of how I WOULD be treated. And, I forced myself to walk away from any guy who was teetering on the edge of "You might be good enough for me."

    Here's the reality, you are a terrific woman. You've taken on the unbelievably tough job of sorting through a lifetime of programming and the discovery of who you are and where you are going with your life. So many people are cowards, willing to take the easy path because then they don't have to face the pain or criticism of others. But, in the end, they compromise who they are entirely - the living dead. You have made a choice to be truly alive. That makes you AMAZING. If he can't see it, time to step back and even walk away (easier said than done, I know). You are worth the moon, baby. Don't let anyone tell you or treat you like that is up for debate.

    Robin

     
  • At 5/20/2005 1:12 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Thank you Robin. That truly means a lot to me!

     
  • At 5/21/2005 12:24 AM, Blogger Jen said…

    Good job, Rebecca, I think you handled things as well as could be expected, and I don't think that it is pity that people feel for you. They probably just think that you are way to good for him.

     

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