Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Christmas in June

The first one of my Christmas gifts came the other day. Wahoo!

Let me clarify, it's not a gift for me; it's a gift from me. It's for my mom and I can hardly wait to give it to her. She loves snowmen so most of her gifts have that particular theme. This gift is no different! It's a doormat. I know it sounds boring but it's very colorful and I know she's going to really like it.

You may be wondering why I'm shopping for Christmas six months in advance and I'll tell you that I'm actually behind schedule this year. The day after Christmas 2003, the ex and I went to Kohl's to hit their discounted holiday section and bought a lot of stuff for my mom for incredibly great prices.

I love Christmas but the end of the year is just too hectic to do all of my shopping. Too many birthdays and conferences for work going on to be able to concentrate. Besides, if I see something in May... I know I'm not going to remember to buy it at the end of the year! So I buy things as I see them and then hide them. It's a great way to avoid being completely broke after the holidays. Of course it does get a little difficult to stick to a monetary limit for each person this way! Ah, well, it's the holidays and I like to give gifts that make people smile!

I get it from my mom, I think. She's mellowed over the years but when I was a kid she'd be done with her shopping by July at the latest. Last year everyone seemed to be having an especially hard time finding gifts for me so I've already started giving my mom ideas. Now that she has the ideas, she can dispense them as she sees fit!

One such idea I told her about was an art table. You can adjust the angle of the table top, which is a big selling point for me! I love to draw though I haven't done much in the last few years. Part of that is because it hurts my back to sit all hunched over and partly because I've been preoccupied. Anyway, funny story. About two months ago, I randomly asked a friend how difficult it would be for me to build one of these tables. Ha! I amuse myself. I'm not that talented! Well, I certainly got my friend's attention and made him laugh a little, I think. He told me I should just buy one instead of trying to build one. About two weeks after this conversation, I was killing some time wandering around a local Michael's store and lo and behold, I found the table I was thinking about for $150. Well, I decided that I since I don't currently have enough space for it I would just have to hold off but that when I was ready to buy it, at least I knew where to find it. I'm glad I didn't get it because last week my mom got a catalog that I flipped through. There was the same type of table but way nicer and for only $10 more than the one I had seen.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Do You Have A...

This post was generated via GGG05's last post that talks about "tallguy". It brought this story back to my mind and I was going to either e-mail it to GGG05 or post it as a comment for her. But then I figured I wouldn't deprive my readership of probably more of my more amusing stories!

You have to keep in mind that I am very shy and try not to hurt people's feelings. Anyway, I was a sophmore in college and three of my close girlfriends and I (all being single at the time) decided we were going to go to the school's Spring Fling dance. We talked about the dance for weeks leading up to it and I borrowed a dress from one of the girls.

The night of the dance rolled around and I had SEVERE cramps. It was the worst time I've ever had with cramps. I tried to beg out of the evening but the girls pushed so I got dressed and miserably went along.

At one point, the cramps, heels and heat of the student center all closed in on me and I had to escape into the fresh air. One of the girls came with me and she soon ran into a guy she knew. He walked over and was standing in front of me and this is how the conversation went...

Him: "Do you have a REALLY, REALLY big boyfriend?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Do you have a REALLY, REALLY small boyfriend?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Do you have a medium sized boyfriend?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Do you want to dance with me?"

Me: "No."

Well, our mutual friend heard the entire exchange and immediately tried to smooth his feathers by telling him I'm not usually like that and that I just didn't feel good. Our other two friends had come outside to check on me, in enough time to catch the whole thing and were doubled over with laughter.

I left shortly afterwards and I don't think I ever saw that guy again. Of course, I didn't feel bad about my attitude until after my physical discomfort subsided a few days later with the help of some strong muscle relaxers! I wasn't trying to be mean, I just didn't feel well.

Why I Blog

I was introduced to the world of blogging by Mary. I don't remember exactly how it happened but she gave me the address for her blog so I checked it out and I liked it. Then I started hitting the Next Blog button and found some other blogs that interested me.

The whole idea was intriguing to me. I like to write but can't seem to keep a physical journal going for very long. In a way, I figured if there were people reading my blog, it would be incentive for me to keep writing. And wouldn't you know it, it's worked!

I'll admit that some of the people I've told about my blog haven't quite understood why anyone would want to share personal details of their life with so many strangers but I have an answer for them. I've made some really wonderful friends through blogging. I am able to share my experiences with people in similar situations and like to get their feedback as well. It makes me feel less out of my mind. (This is saying something since I almost always feel like I'm about to go off the deep end!)

  • I blog because I need an outlet (who doesn't?).
  • I blog because I want to get different points of view on certain situations.
  • I blog because it keeps me thinking and, I hope, growing.
  • I blog because I enjoy it.

What initiated this post, you ask? Zazzafooky got a comment questioning why she writes about some of the more sobering and more personal moments of her life. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it struck me as odd that someone would ask that. It's one person's personal blog. Therefore, that person can share whatever they choose to. If they want to share personal information they should be able to. Granted, not everyone is going to feel comfortable sharing initimate details of their lives but I don't believe anyone is asking them to.

There is one thing that makes me read the blogs I do and it is how the writers open themselves up and share with the rest of us. It's what I believe I do. This blog is not wholly who I am but it's a good part of me and if you don't like it, you don't have to read it.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Head Banging

Ok, so the truth is that I thought I'd be really clever in naming this post! (I knew I'd get the attention of at least one of my fellow 80s music fans. You know who you are!) But, in reality, it is going to have nothing to do with head banging, in the sense of music and rockers.

What I really want to know is why I feel like I'm always banging my head against a brick wall? No matter what I seem to do, it's never the right/appropriate thing. This isn't to say that everyone in my life thinks I'm a screw-up... not all the time anyway. I feel this way where one particular person is concerned. (Sorry, I'm not going to divulge the identity of this mystery person and even if you guess it, I won't tell. Some things, afterall, are sacred.)

Seriously, I cannot totally blame this person. The feelings do belong to me. I am the owner of the feelings therefore I bear responsibility for them. I'm curious why I have such a difficult time with these feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, incompetency, etc. What makes it so damn difficult for me to just say that I am an individual with beliefs and feelings of my own which deserve some respect?

I know I'm naive but come on? Am I that bad? Do people really wonder if I was raised under a rock away from the world?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Things I Miss

High school days when my friends and I would go out. It didn't matter if we were going to hang out at someone's house, go to the movies and then the diner, the beach, just take a drive or anything else. The group was together and somehow we always managed to have fun.

Laughing hysterically and uncontrollably at any number of idiotic things my (high school) friends and I were a part of such as Saran-wrapping someone's car, dying 4 dozen Easter eggs and then promptly taking two dozen into the yard to have an Easter egg fight, drinking too much and saying/doing stupid things and the list goes on.

Going home with my sophmore year college roommate on weekends and the feeling of independence that came with joining her.

My friend C busting up into my dorm room after cheerleading practice begging me to get the ice bags off her, coming in all groggy on a Saturday morning to see if I wanted to go to breakfast or us driving around Northeastern North Carolina in her Porsche 911 with 80s hair bands blaring from the radio and us singing at the tops of our lungs.

The people in my life that have passed away (Pop-Pop, Grandpa, Mr. L).

The people in my life I've grown apart from (too many to name but they know who they are).

Yes, it's a little sad to think of all the things, times, people, etc. I miss. I'm quite certain there are many more I could add to the list but these were what entered my mind first. But, I digress. Even though it's sad to miss these things it's wonderful to know that at some point they were a part of my life and that I can miss them knowing what they were. I suppose what I'm getting at is that: "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Learning To Be Happy With Who I Am

It was wickedly hot here today which made it seem the appropriate time to read a book entitled, Here Comes Santa Claus. It's the story of three men who meet as boys in an orphange and become best friends. They meet up many years later for the wedding of their mentor and on the long trip north for the wedding, each fall in love (with women).

Yes, it's a "happily ever after" book. But it was sweet and it touched me on a personal level as I was able to relate really well to one of the female characters. The character, Dana, didn't feel feminine or attractive and had a lot of insecurities, especially around the other women and with the man she falls in love with. (Hello? Sounds like me!) But it all works out.

Now, I know I have previously used this blog to question the theory of Love Conquers All. From the depths of heartbreak though, it's hard to fully appreciate the theory. When I feel better it's easier to believe.

As I was reading and felt this bond to the character, I was saddened by the fact that for most of my life I have wanted to be someone else. The someone that I want to be changes pretty frequently but I rarely want to be me. I can attribute this to my fear of everything and my lack of understand about, above all things, myself.

But in allowing these thoughts to the surface, I did have some good thoughts too. Last summer, the agency I work for held a team-building workshop one afternoon for all staff. It's not a large agency but there are a few offices and sometimes it feels like each office is its own entity rather than part of a team.

Anyway, one of the exercises involved the group being split in half and facing one another. Everyone was given enough sheets of paper to write one nice thing for each of the people on the other side of the room. Two of the comments I received nearly made me cry on that day. They were so touching that I folded them up and stuck them in my wallet for a boost, if I needed one (and I often do).


"You are a beautiful person inside as well as out. If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything. I'm glad that you've joined our family."

"I hope one day soon you will truly appreciate what a beautiful person you are inside and out. Keep that smile beamin'."


The people that wrote these comments don't know that I keep them in my wallet. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure they realized how special their words were to me at all.

I know that there are people out there that love and support me (those I have and have not yet met) and for this I am grateful. I also understand that while a lot of people may not say such things a lot of times, it doesn't mean they don't believe them. I wish I'd been able to believe a little more in my past.

But I can't change the past. I can, however, shape the future and by golly, I'm going to try.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Rantings, Ravings and the Usual Nonsense

I have come to realize that I am not always so great at expressing myself in the way that I wish to express myself or my opinions. (DUH!) When I posted earlier today, I wasn't really posting about my ex. Even though it had a lot to do with him, it really didn't have anything to do with him. It was about me and the steps I have to take and those I have already made toward becoming a better person. Or one that I am happier being anyway.

When I was younger, I was able to imagine myself removed from whatever situation I was in that was upsetting to me and from there, I could usually make the right decision on what I should say or what I should do. It's been a long time since I've tried to do that and when I tried this afternoon, I realized I'm a little rusty at it.

Basically, I tried to think of the day and my feelings from a few different points of view. A) of my ex, B) of me and C) of what I would say to someone else with these feelings. If I look at it from his point of view I can say that he felt strange calling my dad; that it was just a really hard day for him (since his dad passed away); that he didn't want my parents to think that there was still hope for us as a couple (since I haven't mentioned his new relationship to them); or that he just wanted to enjoy the day where he was and with who he was with.

My earlier post lays out my point of view, initially anyway. And if I try to look at as if a friend came to me with it, instead of it being myself, I think I would be likely to say, "It's time to move on. You have to let go. Let him be happy and find your own happiness because you deserve it".

The point of this part of the post is merely to say that I missed him (for some of the right reasons and, in all honesty, some of the wrong reasons) and that I just wanted to make sure my feelings came across the way I intended them (not to bash him, not to say, "poor me", not to be the bitch I was afraid I would be if I had called him that day).

I'm trying.

I make myself laugh though. I have been in love twice. I fell for Love #1 when I was just 14. Love #2 (now formerly known to you as the ex) happened a little less than 10 years later. I was 23. There is nothing remotely similar in my experiences with these men. Love #1 and I only dated for about a month. I was in love with him long before that and for a long time after that. When we broke up it bothered me but was not a heart-wrenching event because I knew, in my heart, that we were not over. Not for forever anyway. (Looking at it now, I'm probably wrong.) With Love #2, as you've seen, there was/is more of a sense of permanence to the end of our romantic relationship.

Love #1 has sort of faded from my life. We were best friends for a long time, both before and after we dated. Of course, I suppose you could say we were also best friends with benefits for part of that time. And him not being in my life now is not the result of a fight or a tragic event. I started dating Love #2 and Love #1 moved away (and sucks at keeping in touch).

When Love #1's mother found out that Love #2 and I had split, she suggested I go visit Love #1. Wouldn't that be funny? Using Love #1 to get over Love #2! I thought about it but decided to rely on some of my other friends instead. I have to admit though that I've been thinking about Love #1 a lot these days.

In other rantings, ravings and the usual nonsense: I went to the gym today and am happy to report that I have lost half of the weight I gained last month. Amazing what happens when you exercise. (Can you sense the sarcasm?) As I was leaving the gym though, I noticed I had a voicemail message. It was from my mother asking me to come home immediately because my father was laid out on the front lawn and she needed help getting him back into his wheelchair.

Briefly... my father has Multiple Sclerosis and extreme heat bothers him (among other things). When he retired about four or five years ago, he started using the chair more but so much so that now he has to use it.

But back to the message. While I was at work, Dad decided to wash his car himself. God forbid he ask anyone for help (though I know he doesn't because he doesn't want to feel like an invalid, he wants to keep some semblence of independence). Anyway, it was too hot and it drained him. When I got home, he had managed to get back into the wheelchair and didn't want to hear any of my rantings about him waiting, etc.

With him back in the house I was able to go for my walk and at this point I NEEDED it. What surprises me is that I have really grown to enjoy walking alone. I used to walk with friends in high school and even after college but now it's my time to be alone. I don't take music or anything. I take my phone but more to time myself than to talk to anyone. I didn't push to get done in the required time today. I just wanted to be alone for a bit to think and maybe clear my head. It was good for me.

I do have to say that early on in the walk I wanted to strangle some women in front of me. They had a whole group of kids with them but between them all, they took up the entire width of the track. They knew there were people behind them who were not out for a stroll but there to exercise but they didn't move. They didn't tell the kids to move. I ended up speeding up enough to pass them and put some distance between us but had to veer off onto the grass to get around them. Sometimes I really can't stand people.

And on the drive home it seemed like every idiot out there was on the road. All of a sudden people don't use directionals?! I'm a mind reader? I'm supposed to know where you're going? I know, I know, I live in New York, what do I expect?! As if this wasn't bad enough, the bottom of my foot started to itch. Not a big deal unless you're doing 60 mph with an idiot on your tail and the foot that itches is the one on the gas pedal!

But now I'm home and I've had some time to decompress and everything is looking like less of a mess.

A Sign Of Growth?

I think I experienced some growth this weekend. No, not in the hips or butt! Rather, in the way I'm dealing with my emotions.

Prior to Sunday, I hadn't given any thought to me ex in regards to him speaking to my father on Father's Day. It wasn't until the day arrived that I began to think about it. In our five and a half years together, my parents offered him support, love and kindness. I was really sad, and maybe I was starting to get angry, that he didn't call to wish my father a happy day.

The good news is that as soon as I realized why I was feeling down, I stopped and made myself think about it. I felt sad for my dad who has tried to be close to my ex. I felt sad for my ex that he seemingly didn't think it was important after everything we have been through. (Or maybe he just felt strange. I don't really know.) I felt sad for myself a little because I was just plain missing him. But angry? Why in the world was I feeling the seeds of anger sprouting?

It's really very simple. It was anger at the situation. I figured (and I may very well be wrong here) that he was spending the day with his new girlfriend and her parents. From what he tells me, and this strictly my interpretation, he feels a bond with her parents that he didn't feel with mine because hers remind him of his and mine didn't. I can appreciate that.

Like I said, it all came down to the fact that I miss doing the things we used to do. Usually, for a day like Father's Day, we would BBQ. Well, the ex would take over the grill and my mom and I would do the salads, etc. There was nothing terribly exciting about it but it was always good because it was a day with all of the people I loved most in the world.

*Sigh*

Although I was feeling this, I didn't "rain on his parade" by calling or e-mailing him and being a bitch. I don't want to be that person. At the time the desire to be that person was very strong but then I realized that not only would it serve to remove him from me further, it also wouldn't make me feel any better. So, I let him enjoy his day. Well, I hope he enjoyed his day.

Even without him though, we had a nice Father's Day. Again, we didn't do anything terribly exciting but I spent time with my dad. That's probably the best gift I could have given him since time is limited.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Tasks Completed

Today I decided to take some time to do a bunch of errands that desperately needed to be done and that I have been procrastinating actually doing.

There was nothing terribly interesting: refill my perscription, get a Father's Day card, fill Explorer with gas, drop off dry cleaning, deposit money into savings account and return cans and bottles (at $0.05 each, it's difficult to resist).

I completed all of my tasks in about two hours, then I spoke to Mary, helped my father with some landscaping, had lunch, went online to complete my Juror Qualification Questionnaire, blogged and blogged some more. All in all, it's been a productive day. I still need to do laundry, cart a bunch of junk into the basement and make my Dad a gift certificate. The man is a PAIN IN MY BUTT. He wants nothing. Ever. Christmas, his birthday, Father's Day--it doesn't matter--he doesn't want anything. He doesn't really have any hobbies except for annoying my mother and going to Atlantic City so it's not even like he's easy to shop for. I was going to get him a gift certificate to the car wash for 5 top-of-the-line-washes but I couldn't get near the place today (and oh yea, have I mentioned that I procrastinate?). So, what's the next best thing? I'll give him a home made gift certificate and I'll wash his car for him. Sounds like a good idea but if you refer to my last post you'll see that my good ideas aren't always.

Since it's not too terribly hot out today, I should also get back outside and walk or jump rope or swim. I should do something. Oh! But I did go to the gym on Friday after work. My supervisor, who joined when I renewed my contract last fall, has asked if I would consider going to Lucille Roberts instead. I'm not sure what to do. I like Curves... and when I actually go, it works. It's quick and it doesn't feel all that strenuous. Also, I know the owner and would kind of feel bad if I stopped giving her my business. But it would be nice if they offered classes too or had a pool (assuming that I would actually take advantage of classes or a pool). If the price is comparable, maybe I should try. Worst case scenario is that I'll try a new place, hate it, and go back to Curves.

Hunger Pains

Recently, I've noticed that if I don't eat as soon as I start to feel hungry, I get these terrible pains in my stomach, back and shoulders. Sometimes I even get a headache. It's not like I'm trying to starve myself. I just don't eat at the same exact times every day. I know you're supposed to but how many people can actually say they do? It's bizarre and there's no explanation for it (that I can think of anyway). Go to the doctor, you suggest. Nah, the last time I did that I had to have surgery. Thanks anyway. I'll pass on that until I pass out!

Very intelligent. I know. I'm full of bright ideas.

I decided earlier today to name my entry hunger pains but I realized shortly afterwards how much that can really describe and I should know because I'm hungry for a lot of things. There's the obvious: the hunger for food. Enough said about that for now. But there's the hunger for companionship, love, safety, independence, etc.

I realized I'm not alone in my hunger for these things. A lot of people share this hunger. Of course, everyone handles how they deal with it differently. Since the big breakup I've been working on building my confidence (a difficult time to start that process by the way), learning how to better understand my feelings and why I do or say some of the things I do or say or why I don't do or say some of things I should. I've been making progress and feeling better but there is still this hunger. All the flirting I'm doing isn't quenching it because I want more.

Everything that happens, happens for a reason though the reason may not be clear to us at the time. If I remember this and push forward, I should be fine.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

A Taste of Life

Last night I went with some of the people from work to a fundraiser for a local hospital, a hospital that donates some office space to the non-profit agency I work for. The fundraiser was called the Taste of Life, and boy... was it ever!

A number of local restaurants and vineyards were represented with samples of what they offer. Let me tell you, I had some amazing food. And (the ex would be proud of me right now) I tried a lot of different things.

The event was held at a catering hall next to the water. We got a few tables outside, as it was a beautiful evening and took turns going inside and getting food. They only had dessert plates so you had to go in a bunch of times. (Sure, that's the excuse we all used!)

There were so many things to choose from: hazelnut encrusted swordfish over cous cous (YUMMY); Thai meatballs; coconut shrimp, crab cakes, zucchini lasagna; penne with shrimp; assorted breads; steak; sushi; cod in a ginger sauce and a whole bunch of other stuff. But that was only the "real" food. For dessert they had butterscotch and apple crumb cake, chocolate crumb cake; homemade ice cream; assorted cookies and cheesecakes; chocolate covered strawberries; truffles; brownies, etc.

I don't drink wine (a very important point... you'll see why soon) so I didn't pay much attention to the wines they had but they had a lot.

It was a nice evening though. I remembered to bring my camera so we got some pictures (not enough to finish my film though). Mostly we took group pictures but one of the girls insisted on taking a picture of me by myself. I've told her about my blog and while she hasn't checked it out, she thinks this picture would be a good one to post. Then again, she's also the crazy one that wants me to do some extreme blind dating thing. (No thank you!) When I finish the film and get it developed, hopefully it'll be a good picture and I will post it.

Anyway, I've veered away from my story. My supervisor and I went in on some raffles together. We each put our own names on half of the tickets. One of mine was pulled. Do you know what I won? Wine! I think I'm going to have to start drinking it! I won this basket with four bottles of wine and two balloon glasses. I was really much more impressed with the glasses than the wine but I suppose that's besides the point!

No one else that I work with won anything. A few of the girls were a little upset because there were some people that won three or four things. In a room full of people, to have a handful of people win a handful of things each is a little disappointing.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

I've Been Tagged

I've been tagged by Jen so here it goes...

Here's how it works:
Pick 5 of the following questions and then complete the sentences. Then pass it on to 3 more of your blog friends! (No tag backs allowed.)

If I could be a scientist?
If I could be a farmer?
If I could be a musician?
If I could be a doctor?
If I could be a painter?
If I could be a gardener?
If I could be a missionary?
If I could be a chef?
If I could be an architect?
If I could be a linguist?
If I could be a psychologist?
If I could be a librarian?
If I could be an athlete?
If I could be a lawyer?
If I could be an inn-keeper?
If I could be a professor?
If I could be a writer?
If I could be a llama-rider?
If I could be a bonnie pirate?
If I could be an astronaut?
If I could be a world famous blogger?
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world?
If I could be married to any current famous political figure?

If I could be a musician: I would be able to be plays tons of instruments and sing. I used to play clarinet but wanted to learn saxaphone, drums, piano and guitar to name a few. I tried to teach myself piano and guitar but couldn't get the hang of it.

If I could be a chef: I would be able to make more than a few italian and mexican dishes; I'd use simple ingredients that everyone has heard and people would rave about my creations (because that's what they'd be called)!

If I could be a librarian: I would read as much as I could during the day and take books home with me all the time. I'd also try to offer programs that would get people back to the library and reading again.

If I could be an inn-keeper: I have always harbored a little dream of owning a bed and breakfast. I think it would be really nice except for two things: letting strange people into my home and cooking for them EVERY morning!

If I could be a writer: I already am, sort of. I really enjoy Jennifer Weiner's books so if I could be a writer I'd like to think I'd have a similar style but I'd sell so many that my cash flow would rival that of Danielle Steele!

Okay, I'm going to tag
Mary, Srini and Robin.

No Developments But Having Fun All The Same

I found out AIM's name. I'm still going to refer to him as AIM though. I'll address why shortly.

For someone as shy as I am, I'm pretty forward when I want to be. I asked guys to go to both my junior and senior proms and I've asked guys on dates... okay that only happened once. So, yesterday morning, I introduced myself to AIM with an apology for not having done so last week. He said he'd been functioning on very little sleep and didn't think about it either.

A few times during the day, when his employer would come talk to my employer, I would go and talk to him. There was more conversation between us this week but it was still a little awkward. But I did learn a few things about him. I asked questions (in an effort to keep some conversation). He answered but didn't ask me anything about myself.

My friend, that worked with me last week, had a promotional exam for work yesterday morning but when she was done she came to work with us. After she got there AIM started coming over by us when his employer did. So, at one point, I told her that I'm sticking by my original thought that he was inquiring about her, not me, hence why I'm still calling him AIM.

When I told Mary all of this yesterday she offered me a point-of-view that I hadn't considered. She said, "Maybe he started coming over to talk to you all after she got there because it was a less threatening situation." Hmmmm. That could be. Thanks Mary! Or maybe he started coming over by us when she got there because he's more interested in her, which would be fine with me since I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun right now.

Oh well, whatever the case may be, it's no big deal. I'm just going to continue to be me and we'll see what happens.

Friday, June 10, 2005

When Exactly Is That Line Crossed?

If you're friends with someone (of the gender you happen to be attracted to), when does flirting cross the line from friendship to more? And if you think you've crossed that line, can you turn back?

Let's make it more interesting and say that you used to work with The Other Person (TOP) and you always got along really well and there was always a certain level of attraction between you both. Then you stop working there and although you occasionally e-mail, you don't see one another for a long time.

As chance would have it, you run into one another one day and that attraction still seems to be there along with the same easy rapport. You begin e-mailing each other a little more frequently and soon your e-flirting becomes a little more personal. At one point you think you've crossed the line and you joke about it but TOP encourages you to continue along this more personal line of communication.

You aren't 100% certain if TOP is still in a relationship but you think he is. But you still flirt. (TRAMP!) You and he have discussed, along with some other people you both worked with, getting together for happy hour one of these days.

When you do see one another again, do you:

a) act as if nothing has changed;

b) act as if you've been caught as something;

c) allow yourself to think there might be something more between you;

d) not think so much and just see what happens?

You may have guessed that this is a new dilemma (I use this term loosely) in the life of this emotional idiot and if you did you might be right. I think the questions are valid and I'm curious to see what other people think just in case! Just kidding. Sort of.

This is funny... a little unrelated but not totally. I was driving home tonight and felt like a fool because I was laughing out loud and smiling like a dope for no reason. Well, not for no reason but for no reason that other drivers might be able to guess except that I'm a lunatic! Every so often, these days, I find myself thinking of the attention I'm getting from men and I positively beam.

I swear, some guy almost ran into me the other morning, he was staring so hard. Okay, it was early. Maybe his eyes weren't adjusted to the sunlight yet! But I'm going to humor myself and assume that he just liked what he saw! (Where is this confidence coming from?)

Oh, wait, I digress. In the car, I keep thinking about the guy from bowling. The one who was always complimenting me and who said he'd visit me during the summer but hasn't yet (I know, it's only been two weeks). And, of course, I think of the ex. And lately I've added the AIM (see my last two posts for more info) and now TOP, mentioned above.

It reminds me of right before the ex and I got together. I was "talking" to a man in California. I had met him when one of my friends, who moved when we were in high school, married one of his friends. He was the best man, I was the maid-of-honor. We clicked and became pen pals. Had we lived closer there would have been more to it but he wasn't moving to New York and I wasn't moving to CA. Well, in all fairness, we never discussed it but I was fairly certain it would never happen. He used to write me the most beautiful letters though. He was good for my ego. Too bad I threw the letters away when I got serious with the ex. I've often thought it would be nice to look them over again, just for nostalgia.

But again, I digress. I was courting him, you could say. Then the ex, who was living in Texas at the time, and I got reacquainted and began a long-distance courtship of sorts. This one with more merit because his family was here and he wanted to come home.

Then there was a guy here that I had worked with at yet another previous job. I always thought he was cute and we got along but I never thought anything would come of it. I had starting working a second job and he knew about it, as did everyone we worked with. Anyway, he left the company and a few months later, my part time job was offered to me in a full time capacity and since it was what I thought I wanted to do, I left the other place completely for it. It was maybe two months later when he showed up at my new job to ask if I wanted to hang out. We hung out a few times but, obviously, things did not work out between us.

Anyway, the point behind all of that was that I felt pretty good then too. It was the first time in my life that I knew that not only was one person interested in me, but a few were. Now I find myself feeling that for the second time. I think I should have kept my eyes open, in this respect, while I was with the ex. Not because I wanted to be with anyone else but because I think it would have made me feel better about myself. And as I'm learning, feeling good about yourself can really help you achieve so much. Well, live and learn.

Writer's Block

I started off my last post by assuring you all that I was still here and that I hadn't dropped off the face of the planet. But short of that post and a few comments I've made on your blogs, you'd never know it.

I had considered writing about my goal. You know the one I'm talking about. The one I seem really excited about and seem close to reaching, otherwise known as, the one I'm sabotaging! Yes, I haven't brought it up this week because I'm a little embarassed. But today I decided that you have "heard" me in lower moments so why not share this with you?

How does one explain it? I enjoy working out now but between the heat and, I suppose, my frustration at this little plateau, I have (not given up but) allowed myself to get sidetracked. The really pathetic part is that I know that I'm sidetracked but that didn't stop me from getting McDonald's for lunch, it didn't stop me from having ice cream yesterday. Mary made perfect sense the other day (on the phone) when she said that she can totally talk herself out of self destructive diet behavior when she's not making bad decisions. Basically, when she's doing "wrong" she knows it but doesn't stop it. Hey, we must be related. Oh yea, we are! She's probably going to comment on this and tell me that I'm quoting her wrong. That's okay because I forget exactly what it was that she said but it did make perfect sense! (It was only two days ago, I shouldn't have forgotten already!)

Anyway, it's what I've been doing. I was cursing myself with every bite of that McDonald's. But don't be fooled. I finished it. And I enjoyed it.

Well, as distracted as I've been I'm still not going to give up. But I do need to get back on track. I guess I'll have to start walking later in the evenings when it's cooled down some. It's also cool that I'm going to be doing t-shirt shows too. Even though I don't always eat the best foods at the shows, I'm working hard and drinking a lot of water.

Speaking of which, I have a show tomorrow. I have to be there to start setting up between 7 and 7:30 am. After the first part is done we have to pack up and move a few towns over and set up again. The parade (part 2 of the day) is at 6 pm. So I'll work, essentially, a 16-17 hour day tomorrow. It doesn't suck as much as it sounds. This is purely a part-time gig for me and it's my choice. The people I work for are great, the pay is good and it's a day out around a lot of people.


Among those people will be the Alleged Inquiring Mind (AIM). Well, I'm not sure if he'll be there. I'm kind of hoping he will be though. If he is I'll have to remember not to act like an imbecile. You know, like I did last weekend! Well, okay, I didn't exactly act like an idiot. After this guy I know said that AIM was asking about me, I just got self-conscious. It's been a long time since I allowed myself to be affected by something like that. When I was with the ex, I was with him (exactly where I wanted to be, in the sense that although I had a lot of things me things to work on I wanted to be with him no matter where that was) so I didn't even give anyone else any consideration. Now that I'm single though, well, it's a different story altogether. I just have to remember how to flirt and talk without sounding like a moron.

I've said quite a bit for someone with Writer's Block, huh? When I titled this entry, I was going to talk about how it's funny to me that now that I'm feeling good, I have less to write about. I guess I should just abandon that train of thought!

Have a great weekend everyone! Hopefully I'll have something slightly more interesting to post Sunday. Hey, Patrice, have a great trip!

Monday, June 06, 2005

The Hardest Part About Blogging...

Before I had a chance to get on here and update my last post, NME strangeafeet.blogspot.com beat me to what I was going to say in her comment to me. Giddy. That is the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling these days.

Anyway, why does it seem like the hardest part about blogging is naming each individual post? When I wrote for those few magazines and got into some of the layout stuff, I had to do headlines and sub-heads and captions. That stuff all seems so easy when you don't HAVE to do it. But once it's required of you, it's not that easy. At least not in my opinion.

So tonight, as I was sitting here trying to form all of my thoughts, I couldn't come up with a name for the post bringing back these memories and I figured I'd share. (One of these days I'll share some of the funny stories I have from that job but not today.)

I wore my new blouse to work today and everyone was pretty impressed. It's really much more girlie than I usually wear, especially to work. But I decided that since I've been losing weight and buying girlie clothes, maybe I should wear them instead of shoving them in the closet for "special" occasions.

Oh, I did want to clarify one other thing from my last post (just in case anyone cares)... I am no longer basing my life or my happiness on a man's involvement with me. The attention that I've been getting recently (or maybe just noticing for the first time) is wonderful and it makes me feel good but I am still working on fixing some of my flaws and becoming the woman I want to be. So I may be sort of boy-crazy but it's no longer a dependence thing. I'm learning how to have fun!

I have to change my workout routine. I got on the scale today and am up 3 pounds. Shoot! If I'm up three pounds from my last weigh in and a week closer to my goal date, then I'm in trouble! There's no way I can lose 12 pounds, well 15 now, in the next three weeks. But I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP! I am still going to work hard and push for results. (Who is this woman?)

I beginning to scare, I mean amaze, myself! Thanks for listening! More to come later!

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Moving Forward

Hi there! I'm still here. I haven't vanished. I realize it's been a few days since I posted anything and maybe nobody missed me but it's okay because I'm feeling good and kind of... happy.

I started my summer bowling league on Thursday night. I know a lot of the people from bowling with them in previous leagues but there are also a lot of new teams. And it's a mixed league so that means there are new men for me to meet! (Not that I'm necessarily looking to jump into something---but I'm not going to prevent anything from developing either!)

Anyway, it was a fun evening. I bowled so badly. So on Friday I took my ball up to the pro shop and had it cleaned, polished and had new grips put in. The guy I took it to is amazing (thanks to the ex for suggesting him). I went in, told him I wanted my current balled cleaned and to add new grips and I told him I was considering buying a new ball. I explained the problems I'm having and he actually talked me out of a new ball. After doing what I asked to the current ball and polishing it, he gave a few pointers for when I release it and told me that if my scores don't improve this week that I should then come back and he'd help me pick a new ball. Now that is how to get business. I just thought it was really cool that he bypassed a $100+ sale and just made some suggestions. I'll definately go back to him (not the pro shop in the alley I bowl at, not the next alley located on the highway but to the one after that).

Today I worked. I don't know if I have previously mentioned it but during the summer (mostly) I help a couple that I've known for a few years with their t-shirt business. Mostly we sell fire department shirts but sometimes they have EMT shirts too.

Anyway, one of the people I know from doing these shows said that a young man was inquiring about me and my dating status/eligibility. Hmmm. I like that idea. I noticed the alleged Inquiring Mind and he was cute. Unfortunately, I got a little nervous so the few words I exchanged with him were meaningless. On the positive side though, I did actually exchange some words with him. DUH! I should have told him my name and asked for his but akwardness abounded and I was like a 12-year-old just figuring out she likes boys but isn't quite sure why! Well, I walked away from the day with a smile and the possibility of running into the alleged Inquiring Mind at another show (like maybe next weekend)!

After the show, one of my other friends (who worked with us today) and I went to dinner. Well, we walked into the restaurant, which was packed and opted to do a little shopping at a nearby store for a bit in an effort to wait out some of the crowd. Let me tell you, I found such a cute little top! I liked the top but when she saw me in it, she raved. So I bought it. Not too bad, it was only $20. And that's all I bought, despite how much I tried on. Once we were done we went back to the restaurant and had very yummy salads for dinner.

I'm excited. I feel good. There's a whole world out there just waiting for me and I'm ready to start taking it on! Wahoo!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Can People Change?

Is it possible for an adult to really change certain attitudes or behaviors that have been with them for their entire lives?

Mary loves to "reinvent" herself. From time to time she'll tell the family she's doing this and I give her credit, it's a big undertaking. But, truthfully, once she's done she never seems, to me, to be all that different from when she started.

I've been considering reinventing myself for a few reasons but I have to wonder if it really is possible. When I left for college, I was going to become a different person. I wasn't going to be as shy and reserved as I was at home and had been in high school. I was going to be popular. You know what? That never happened. I didn't change.

There are plenty of things I've been called in my day. On the positive, I've been called kind, caring, honest, trustworthy, admirable, reliable, dependable and loving. On the negative, I've been called an a** hole, a b****, selfish, stupid, shallow and ignorant.

At times I have certainly fit every one of these descriptions. (But why is it easier to believe and hold onto the negative?) Usually, when the negative terms have been used, I haven't been trying to be any of those things. I don't want to be any of those things.

Can someone who...
...is selfish change their ways to become less so?
...is stubborn learn to see and accept other people's points of view?
...is afraid of everything escape the fear and live?
...is selfless learn to put themselves first once in a while?
...allows people to walk all over them learn to stand up for themself?

My questions could go on and on but I think you get the point. Can people honestly change? And if they can, how?