It was wickedly hot here today which made it seem the appropriate time to read a book entitled, Here Comes Santa Claus. It's the story of three men who meet as boys in an orphange and become best friends. They meet up many years later for the wedding of their mentor and on the long trip north for the wedding, each fall in love (with women).
Yes, it's a "happily ever after" book. But it was sweet and it touched me on a personal level as I was able to relate really well to one of the female characters. The character, Dana, didn't feel feminine or attractive and had a lot of insecurities, especially around the other women and with the man she falls in love with. (Hello? Sounds like me!) But it all works out.
Now, I know I have previously used this blog to question the theory of Love Conquers All. From the depths of heartbreak though, it's hard to fully appreciate the theory. When I feel better it's easier to believe.
As I was reading and felt this bond to the character, I was saddened by the fact that for most of my life I have wanted to be someone else. The someone that I want to be changes pretty frequently but I rarely want to be me. I can attribute this to my fear of everything and my lack of understand about, above all things, myself.
But in allowing these thoughts to the surface, I did have some good thoughts too. Last summer, the agency I work for held a team-building workshop one afternoon for all staff. It's not a large agency but there are a few offices and sometimes it feels like each office is its own entity rather than part of a team.
Anyway, one of the exercises involved the group being split in half and facing one another. Everyone was given enough sheets of paper to write one nice thing for each of the people on the other side of the room. Two of the comments I received nearly made me cry on that day. They were so touching that I folded them up and stuck them in my wallet for a boost, if I needed one (and I often do).
"You are a beautiful person inside as well as out. If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything. I'm glad that you've joined our family."
"I hope one day soon you will truly appreciate what a beautiful person you are inside and out. Keep that smile beamin'."
The people that wrote these comments don't know that I keep them in my wallet. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure they realized how special their words were to me at all.
I know that there are people out there that love and support me (those I have and have not yet met) and for this I am grateful. I also understand that while a lot of people may not say such things a lot of times, it doesn't mean they don't believe them. I wish I'd been able to believe a little more in my past.
But I can't change the past. I can, however, shape the future and by golly, I'm going to try.