Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

A Sign Of Growth?

I think I experienced some growth this weekend. No, not in the hips or butt! Rather, in the way I'm dealing with my emotions.

Prior to Sunday, I hadn't given any thought to me ex in regards to him speaking to my father on Father's Day. It wasn't until the day arrived that I began to think about it. In our five and a half years together, my parents offered him support, love and kindness. I was really sad, and maybe I was starting to get angry, that he didn't call to wish my father a happy day.

The good news is that as soon as I realized why I was feeling down, I stopped and made myself think about it. I felt sad for my dad who has tried to be close to my ex. I felt sad for my ex that he seemingly didn't think it was important after everything we have been through. (Or maybe he just felt strange. I don't really know.) I felt sad for myself a little because I was just plain missing him. But angry? Why in the world was I feeling the seeds of anger sprouting?

It's really very simple. It was anger at the situation. I figured (and I may very well be wrong here) that he was spending the day with his new girlfriend and her parents. From what he tells me, and this strictly my interpretation, he feels a bond with her parents that he didn't feel with mine because hers remind him of his and mine didn't. I can appreciate that.

Like I said, it all came down to the fact that I miss doing the things we used to do. Usually, for a day like Father's Day, we would BBQ. Well, the ex would take over the grill and my mom and I would do the salads, etc. There was nothing terribly exciting about it but it was always good because it was a day with all of the people I loved most in the world.

*Sigh*

Although I was feeling this, I didn't "rain on his parade" by calling or e-mailing him and being a bitch. I don't want to be that person. At the time the desire to be that person was very strong but then I realized that not only would it serve to remove him from me further, it also wouldn't make me feel any better. So, I let him enjoy his day. Well, I hope he enjoyed his day.

Even without him though, we had a nice Father's Day. Again, we didn't do anything terribly exciting but I spent time with my dad. That's probably the best gift I could have given him since time is limited.

3 Comments:

  • At 6/21/2005 11:46 AM, Blogger srini said…

    precious indeed!

    time and that too the time spent with beloved ones. am glad that you had a great day inspite of all those emotions sprouting within. and very spiritually mature 1)in sensing your emotions and their source and 2) in letting the ex enjoy his day the way he wanted it; wherever.

    i seriously want to tell you (though you might not agree) that its unfair to call your blog "home of an emotional idiot", suggest "home of the emotionally mature" or the like.
    ---
    i have a lot to say about parents and selflessness on my 3rd eye blog (when i actually get down to posting it!!)

     
  • At 6/21/2005 12:00 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    Conrats to you for not being "that person" and contacting the ex. You are doing the right thing in moving forward, and naturally you will have feelings like you do on certain days. But over time it will get better, just be patient.

     
  • At 6/21/2005 12:44 PM, Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said…

    You so have grown Rebecca! I so want to be where you are right now and get this crap over with with Mr. you know who.

    Besides you always have your cool Blogger Buddies you can chat with on Sunday mornings, right?

     

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