Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Monday, July 25, 2005

I Don't Know...

I don't know. That's what it all boils down to. And that scares me.

On Saturday, AIM and I went to a baseball game. We met my supervisor and her family there and had a nice time. Afterwards, we went to dinner (just AIM and I). He drove to the game, paid for the parking, paid for dinner, opened doors for me and was great to be around. I like him.

Yesterday morning I sent a short note via e-mail thanking him again and telling him that I had a good time. He hasn't responded (but I know he's read it---note to AOL, I don't know if this feature is a blessing or a curse).

Not hearing from him worries me some. I'm trying to take things slowly and get to know him. I have to learn how to relax!

Anyway, it was time for me to post something but before I get really crazy with self-doubt, I'm going to end this post. Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay?

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Bummer Of A Night...

Tonight's plans were to meet up with some of the women from work and their families at a nearby state park to enjoy food, drinks, each other's company, live music by the New York Philharmonic and, as icing on the proverbial cake, a fireworks display.

I picked up my supervisor around 2:30 this afternoon and we packed up the cooler, blankets and chairs and went to pick up food for us and her boyfriend, who would be meeting us there later on. We got wonderful paninis and an awesome chocolate mousse cheesecake (to celebrate her birthday).

Pulling up to the toll booth at the entrance of the park was a sign waiving the usual $8.00 parking fee and asking for a donation. Okay. So we paid the $8.00. We got there early enough to get a great parking space and staked out an area large enough for our group, which was a perfect distance from both the parking area and the stage.

The rest of our group arrived bearing 2 bottles of champagne and more food. (What I hadn't mentioned is that we already had 6 bottles of wine in the cooler). We sang Happy Birthday to my supervisor (and friend) very loudly (although none of us was drunk, despite the amount of alcohol which had been consumed). Loudly enough to make a LOT of people stare at us. We toasted her and the engagement of our Executive Director's daughter who was there with her future husband and mother-in-law.

Finally the orchestra appeared on stage and the music began. While I am not familiar with much of the music and would not typically listen to it, I enjoy this yearly live performance. (Maybe it's more about the company, food, drinks and overall atmosphere.) So the music started and I was feeling good. (Thinking too much of AIM but still feeling good).

After two numbers, an announcement was made that the condensation was affecting the instruments and so the orchestra would play one last piece and then the fireworks would be displayed. Thank you for coming, we're sorry but we'll see you next year. Understandable? Yes. Disappointing? Yes.

The fireworks created enough light to make it much easier to clean up than last year, however, the fog was coming in so you couldn't see most of the prettiness they offer.

So here I sit, at home thinking that I'm pretty bummed out at the outcome of the evening. Oh well. I had fun while it lasted! I guess I should be thankful for that much!

Caught Up In The Feeling

Let me start off this post by thanking Missuz J for not only noticing my recent absence from the blogosphere but for questioning it! I am still here. I have even been checking in with you all at least every other day. I have just been lacking the desire to write.

I have recently gotten caught up in the feeling of being a single woman who is interested in a single man (who is likewise interested in me). So many times, I develop crushes on "safe" men. "Safe men" being men with girlfriends or wives; men who are off limits. Men that I cannot allow myself to become attached to. But AIM... AIM is not a safe man. At least not in the above terms. He seems like a good man and I like that about him.

Anyway, I posted a brief update the other day about AIM. Things were looking very good. Glitter and the girls I work with were of the same opinion, "It's only going to be a matter of time before you go out."

We were talking every day. I was excited to talk to him. I got a little rush when I'd see him sign online. And if he IMed me first... well, that was just wonderful especially since it made me feel like less of a psycho-stalker-woman that no man wants to be involved with! Our conversations have generally been light and funny and just plain enjoyable.

Then disaster struck. AIM's mom, who was fighting cancer, passed away. I haven't been pushing myself on him since a) I know how busy he's been with making arrangements etc., b) I don't want to be pushy, and c) this is not about me. I showed my support by going to the wake, sending a card and just letting him know I'm here.

We spoke briefly last night and he told me today is his block party. I already have plans for tonight but I still was disappointed that he didn't invite me (not that I asked him to join me tonight either although I did invite him to a baseball game next weekend).

I've realized during the short time I've been talking to him that I am extremely impatient. We're interested in each other. That much is obvious. I'm not sure how much he has heard about my last relationship from our mutual friends so I can't say that he's taking it slow because of that or because that's just how he does things or even because he's now grieving for his mom. Mind you, it's not that I mind taking things slow. Slow is fine. Maybe my impatience has to do with the fact that I want to kiss him. Badly.

God give me strength! I don't know what to do or how to act or what to say. I'm in like.

Friday, July 15, 2005

A Book Meme

Just when I thought I'd never have inspiration to write again, Mary saved the day and tagged me with this book meme. Like her, I am a book lover so this is a cool thing to be tagged for!

How many books do you own? A lot. I'm really not sure how many but it's gotten to the point that I'm trying to donate the ones I didn't enjoy or don't feel attached to.

What is the last book you bought? True Believer by Nicholas Sparks. It was a good book but not one of my favorites by him.

What is the last book you read? Summer People by Elin Hildebrand.

What’s the one book that you can’t wait to read? I would say that the next book I can't wait to read is Goodnight, Nobody by Jennifer Weiner.

What 5 books are most important to you? (In no particular order...)
1. Grand Avenue by Joy Fielding. A look at a four-woman friendship over the course of a lifetime.
2. The Summerhouse by Jude Deveraux. Another book about friends who have the opportunity to go back in time and make changes to their lives.
3. Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner.
4. A Perfect Day by Richard Paul Evans.
5. A Time To Kill by John Grisham because it was the book that turned me on to his writing.

Well, I hope anyone who decides to read any of my favorites enjoys them. Thanks to everyone else who has done this and has given me ideas for future reading! Who to tag? Hmmmm.... this time I'll go with Jen and Amy.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Catching Up

I've been wanting to post something all week but I haven't been able to find the words or maybe I just didn't want to jinx myself. Anyway, here's a short update.

Remember AIM? Last Saturday (the 2nd) he gave me his phone number and e-mail address. Being a little shy, I opted for e-mailing him. We've talked through Instant Messenger everyday though. Yesterday was the only day we haven't "talked" because I worked all day (7 am - midnight) but when I got home and signed on there was a message from him. Yay!

We are getting to know one another and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Here I Am


After all the anticipation... this is me Posted by Picasa

Saturday, July 02, 2005

What I Want For Him...

Lately, I've been finding inspiration to write in all kinds of places (e.g. music, movies, other blogs, etc.). Some of my entries are straight from the heart and others... well, others come from the deep, dark recesses of my mind that I generally try not to acknowledge.

Last night I watched Bruce Almighty for the umpteenth time. But this time it was different. It cleared things up, in my head and my heart.

Since the movie is a few years old, I'm not worried about giving anything away but if you haven't seen it and want to... stop reading here!

Towards the end of the movie, God asks Bruce if he wants Grace back and Bruce says no. His explanation goes along these lines: "What I want is for her to be happy. I want her to find someone who will love her like she's deserved to be loved. I want her to find someone who will see her as I see her now, through your eyes."


I want those things for my ex as well as these:
  • True, Deep Love
  • Laughter from the gut
  • Forgiveness from the heart
  • Peace of mind and
  • Happiness in the soul.