Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Monday, August 29, 2005

When It Rains...

Just when I thought things could not get any better...

Last night I spoke to AIM and we had a good conversation. He said he was trying to get tickets to see Gwen Stefani in November and asked if I would go to the show with him. Of course, I said yes. (Just for the record, I do like Gwen Stefani... I would just probably never buy concert tickets for her unless it was for someone else.)

Anyway, I was happy. We still don't have any short-term plans for getting together but things are moving forward now so I can't complain. I like AIM and I'm happy.

And I have to mention that Lonna commented on my last entry that my experiences are reminding her of when she first met her husband. Why is this significant and worth mentioning here you ask? Because normally, this kind of comment would scare the shit out of me and have me running away from anything even remotely resembling commitment. Not so at the moment though. As a matter of fact, that comment put a HUGE smile on my face. (Thanks Lonna!)

I'm not saying I'm in love with AIM (not now anyway) but I'm not about to close the door on the possibility either.

Of course, now that things are moving forward with us, it figures that one of the ladies I bowl with wants me to contact one of her friends who has a son that is looking for a nice girl. "No one wants to match make, but if he needs a friend and you need a friend and something happens to come of it..." All of these months I've been using to heal my emotional aches and all of a sudden there is a rainstorm of men.

Okay, okay... two men is not quite a rainstorm but it's still two men! Interesting how things happen. Isn't it?

Saturday, August 27, 2005


I was trying to explain to T tonight that it almost seemed like my kiss with AIM never happened. Not because I don't remember it but because it seemed like nothing had changed after it.

During the week, this week, we still only spoke to one another online and while that's good and fun, there are just some things I don't want to talk about unless it's in person. And of course there was the fact that no plans had been made or even suggested about when we could get together again.

So, as happy as I was to have kissed him, there was that question in my mind about where things could go with us. I know I said I was going to relax and just see what happened but it's easier said than done! I really was trying not to over think things and for the most part, I did good but there was that little question back there in my brain.

Back to my point though. When he told me he'd call me one night while he was gone, my response was, "sure. that'd be cool." I honestly did not expect that he would call. When my phone rang this afternoon and I saw his name on the caller ID though, I was ecstatic!

He's upstate this weekend for a race and when he called he explained that he hardly has service on his cell phone there except for on the track but one of the trucks was having a problem so there was a delay and, "I thought this would be a good time to call you." At the very least that means he was thinking of me. At the most (maybe) he was thinking of me a lot! I feel good about that.

I know it's not terribly excited to you but I'm excited about it. Wahoo!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Funny How The Mind Works

With no Internet connection at work this week and the phones being pretty quiet, I've had plenty of time to entertain AIM-induced memories and scenarios. It's pretty funny how the mind works. See, part of my putting everything down here is not so much to entertain y'all as it is to keep me from forgetting what has happened in my life. With this down time though I remembered some things that I didn't write about. So, here I am to write about them!

One thing was when he whispered to me, in between kisses, that I was trouble. Hmmm... having the benefit of not being mere centimeters from those lips that I so enjoyed kissing got me thinking about this comment. Could it be that AIM is just as nervous as me? Could he already have played some of the same scenarios as me through his brain? Interesting concept.

Obviously he's interested though I cannot honestly say that he initiated the kiss. It was like we were drawn together. I remember him walking towards me and being about two feet away and the next thing I recall is being attached at the lips.

There was no hesitation. There was no pounding heart. There was no shortness of breath. What was there then? There was comfort and, oddly enough, familiarity. Yes, that's right. Kissing him was familiar. Not the kissing part mind you but the kissing HIM part. Uh-huh. Who's in trouble now?

Anyway, as I mentioned in one of my other posts... AIM is away this weekend. He said he'd call and he hasn't (at least not yet). To be honest though, I don't expect him to. Maybe because this is what happened when he was on vacation or maybe because I'm still trying to take things slowly and since we're not dating...

I was sort of cranky last night and even this morning because, truth be told, I want to talk to him. But right now, I'm feeling less cranky. I still want to talk to him. And I want to see him. And man-oh-man, do I ever want to kiss him?! But I'm going to try to relax a bit and just let things be and see what happens. And maybe I'll suggest getting together to him the next time we talk.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

7 Things...

7 Things I plan to do before I die:

  1. Find the love of my life
  2. Get married
  3. Own a home
  4. Have kids
  5. Visit all of the places I want to visit
  6. Rock climb
  7. Parasail

7 Things I can do:

  1. Smile big
  2. Laugh loud
  3. Love fully
  4. Bitch and moan
  5. Listen
  6. Blog/write
  7. Talk

7 Things I cannot do*:

  1. Ride roller coasters
  2. Explain rules of grammar
  3. Play piano
  4. Drive stick
  5. Figure out how to print pictures on the stupid printer I have
  6. Sing well
  7. Walk and carry a kid

7 Things that attract me to the opposite sex:

  1. Smile
  2. Eyes
  3. Hands
  4. Openness/Friendliness
  5. Height (I'm sorry, I like my men taller)
  6. Interaction with others
  7. Common Sense

7 Things I say most often:

  1. Do you really think he likes me?
  2. Good morning/afternoon
  3. I'm sorry, she's not in the office right now. Would you like to leave a message?
  4. What? I can't hear you.
  5. F**k
  6. S**t
  7. Damn it

7 Celebrity crushes (I don't really do celebrity crushes anymore so I'm going to give you the ones I can remember from my youth):

  1. Corey Haim (The Lost Boys-- as well as a ton of other movies with Corey Feldman)
  2. Donnie Wahlberg (NKOTB)
  3. Brett Michaels (Poison)
  4. Janie Lane (Warrant)
  5. Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)
  6. Kip Winger (Winger)
  7. Jason Priestly (Beverly Hills 90210)

7 People I Want To Do This:

  1. Cindi
  2. Glitter
  3. Amy
  4. Srini
  5. Kim
  6. Robin
  7. Rebecca

Time For An Analysis

Since we kissed on Sunday night, I can hardly stop thinking about AIM. This is not to say that I haven't been thinking of him incessantly for some time prior to the kiss but since the kiss even more so.

My therapist thinks it's VERY strange that after this kiss, he did not suggest the possibility of us getting together. I suggested that maybe he is just trying to take things slow. With raised eyebrows, she gave me a look that said, "and sticking his tongue in your mouth is taking it slow?" But (and this is a weakness for me) I had to point out that I also did not make any suggestion to get together. Okay, okay, so I know and you all know that I was waiting for him to make the suggestion but what if he was thinking I'd make the suggestion?

I've been trying very hard not to overanalyze things with AIM. I like him and am confident, finally, that he likes me as well. To what extent I'm not sure but it seems to be more and more with each time we talk or see each other. Granted, the fact that neither of us seems to be asking the other to do stuff makes this a slow process but maybe slow is good.

Glitter (gotta love her) has reminded me that AIM and I have both been through hard times this year. Although I have been single for eight months and am fairly certain this potential relationship is not a rebound thing, AIM also lost his mother recently and unfortunately, spent a great deal of time by her bedside watching her succumb to the cancer. Maybe I am not a priority to him right now. It's certainly understandable. I have had to resist the urge to call, text or e-mail him plenty of times to appear as if I am not focused on him and him alone.

He is away this weekend (was supposed to leave this morning but I'm not sure if he did or not) and has plans to go away next weekend. The two weekends following that, I will be away. I have considered asking him, the next time we talk, if he'd like to get together one night next week (during the week). On one hand, I'd really like him to be the one to do the asking but on the other hand I feel like if I don't, I'll keep wondering.

I'd like to spend some time talking to him and getting to know him (yea, okay, and kissing him some more) but there's so much that I don't want to talk about via e-mail, IM or even on the phone. I know people do it all the time but I feel like he lives close enough that we shouldn't have to do it that way. Does that make sense?

The other idea I've been tossing around today is something I could maybe say to him the next time we see one another about wanting to be open with one another and if he's not into the idea of dating me or whatever, that's fine, but that I need to know that. Ideas? Suggestions?

Sunday, August 21, 2005

A Quick Update From Cloud 9

Things went well today. It was DISGUSTINGLY hot and humid out and neither my employers or AIM's employer were extremely busy but everything else was cool.

AIM and I spoke quite a bit and at one point, I was helping a customer and when I turned around, AIM was standing there with an ice cold soda for me. He didn't ask if I was thirsty. He knew how hot it was and just brought me a drink.

After we had all packed up our goods, T and I decided to hang around a bit. Well, okay, T agreed to hang out a bit specifically so that AIM and I could spend some time together. We went and sat with some of his friends and were flirty and at one point, there was some more hand holding. But when T and I were getting ready to leave, AIM kissed me. A lot. For a long time. It was really nice and I'm quite happy right now.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

WTF Happened To Me Today?!

Um... hi. Okay, so I know I promised to update you on any developments with AIM since he returned from vacation. This is just what I promised and, I warn you, it has the potential to be VERY long and humiliatingly hysterical.

When he returned from his trip, AIM and I resumed our daily IM conversations. I have almost entirely abandoned checking my personal e-mail at work though so our conversations have either been in the early morning, before work, or early evening, after work. Friday, I did happen to check my e-mail during work hours and was DUMBFOUNDED to see this message from him asking if my girlfriend, T, and I would like to stay at his house on Saturday night.

I guess I should have prefaced that by telling you that we are all working this weekend for the state tournament (Fire Department Racing). AIM lives about 10 minutes from the location of the tournament while my girlfriend and I both live about an hour away.

Anyway, I still sort of FREAKED out. I mean, here's this guy who hasn't actually asked me out yet asking me if I'd like to stay at his house. DUH! Yea, I'd have liked to but... W-O-W.

I spoke to AIM on the phone last night and told him it was a thoughtful and very sweet suggestion but that we weren't sure and would let him know today. T and I both brought clothes and had decided that depending on what time we were there until tonight and what time we had to be there in the morning, we just might stay.

Okay, so the day is going along just fine. AIM and I are quite flirty. We keep visiting each other at our respective booths. We're talking. We're laughing. We're having fun. And, dare I say, we're both feeling comfortable.

At one point T and I got swamped with customers. When it finally settled down, AIM caught my eye and I went to say hello. He put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder and, although it was a brief encounter, it was very nice. Later on, we were standing next to each other and were both teasing T, who was standing a few feet away. But he held my hand, again, only briefly, but... wow.

I could not really have been happier at this point. Everything seemed just about perfect. Well, I should have known better. Here's where it gets humiliatingly hilarious.

One of my other friends shows up with her daughter (my goddaughter). This beautiful little girl comes running over to me and I pick her up. She's six mind you. Anyway, I start to walk over with her in my arms to see T when I step in what is essentially described as a pothole. Thinking as fast as I could, I tried my best to do a 007 manuever in which I could prevent my goddaughter from hitting the ground or worse yet, hitting the ground and then having me land on top of her since I went down... hard... on both knees.

She wasn't hurt and I have only bruised pride and skinned knees, thank goodness. Anyway, AIM was one of the first people to me (because he just had to see this totally clutzy thing I did). He asked if I was okay and I said yes. Once it was then determined that my goddaughter was okay... and her mother whisked her away... he kept asking me if I was okay. (Very sweet).

I joked about it and kept smiling but I kept stepping in those damn potholes! I didn't fall again but I honestly, after that incident, became a danger to myself and those around me. Okay, so that is a little dramatic but it's sort of how I felt and so I became cranky. Oh yea, my crankiness had NOTHING to do with the fact that some of his friends (whom I haven't yet had the chance to meet) witnessed this entire thing as well.

AIM was good about it though. I mentioned that I was feeling a bit cranky and he gave me some space. He was still making faces at me from across the aisle but he was letting me work through my crankiness on my own, which I appreciated.

At this point, my employers decided it was time to close up shop and go home for the night. We packed everything up and I, during this time, managed to not only pinch my finger in the cash box and then in a fold-up table but then step in a few more potholes and nearly fall a few more times.

Our employers left but T and I hung out for a bit with AIM. We all joked about my clutziness (though at this point it was getting to be a little too much for me) and unanimously decided that even though T and I had come to the tournament in my car with me driving... I should NOT be the one to drive home, despite the fact that all I drank today was water and soda.

AIM and his employer were staying for a while longer and then AIM was going to hang out with some friends who were there so I thanked him again for his generous offer and explained that since it was early and we don't have to be there until 11 am tomorrow, that we would be going home. He seemed to totally understand.

He gave me a half a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I said good-bye but after T said good-night and gave him a kiss on the cheek... he gave me another half a hug and kiss on the cheek.

With T driving, we leave the tournament. Our employers had given us directions (since we had to take some back roads that neither of us are familiar with) but by the time we left we had both forgotten them. Okay, not that we forgot so much as we couldn't agree on what we'd been told. I called AIM's cell phone and when he answered, I asked, "how do I get home again?" He laughed so hard that it took him a minute to compose himself and remind me how to get to the highway. Once we were on the parkway, I sent him a text message saying that we'd found it, thanks again and that I'd see him tomorrow. He responded that I should let him know when I got home. I left a voicemail.

Now, I am in the safety of my own home, so I think, when I slip on some water on the bathroom floor and land on one of my knees. Just wonderful. I am almost afraid to go to sleep because I feel like something will crawl into my ear or I'll wake up with some sort of deformity or something that would make tomorrow top today.

I suppose, since he didn't run screaming from my COMPLETE lack of finesse today, that he is interested. That thought has me wondering what's wrong with him though?! (That was a joke).

Friday, August 19, 2005

He Gave Me His Spoon

Before too long here, I'll give y'all an update on the situation with AIM.

Right now I only have a short amount of time though so I'm going to share something from our I think it's a date. But I'm not sure it's a date. But he opened the car door for me so it's got to be a date. God, I really hope it's a date. But I didn't kiss him so maybe he didn't think it was a date.

When we ordered dinner he got shrimp with angel hair pasta and I got chicken with spaghetti. Being primarily Polish, I grew up cutting my spaghetti. My ex was Italian though and insisted that I learn to twirl my spaghetti and I did.

AIM's dinner came with a spoon while mine did not. However, I was not about to abandon my twirling skills so I tried anyway. AIM commented on my twirling and I told him it was much easier with a spoon (at this point I didn't realize his dinner had come with one). Anyway, he offerred me his spoon. I questioned how he was going to twirl and I had to laugh when he picked up his knife and cut his pasta!

I hadn't yet mentioned that part of the I think it's a date. But I'm not sure it's a date. But he opened the car door for me so it's got to be a date. God, I really hope it's a date. But I didn't kiss him so maybe he didn't think it was a date. I have a few reasons for mentioning it now: 1) I don't want to forget it because I really thought it was very sweet; 2) It was short and I could post it pretty quickly; and 3) I HAD to give y'all something!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Emotional Idiocy At Its Best


I e-mailed AIM on Saturday and said I would give him a call on Sunday or Monday. Yes, maybe this was overkill since he is on vacation but I wanted to hear his voice. I am such a lame-o girl. On Sunday night I called and left a voicemail message. Shortly after that I signed online and there was an e-mail from AIM saying he would call me on Monday. After having already left him a voicemail, I opted against answering the e-mail. I figured that would REALLY be overkill. Today is Thursday. I have not heard from him. At all. Not an e-mail, text message or phone call. I am one cranky bitch right now.

Yesterday, during my lunch break I went to the book store and purchased a copy of He's Just Not That Into You. Sure, I'd heard all the hype about it when the book first came out but I didn't need help! For crying out loud, I was in a 5-plus year relationship. How, after that long, could he not be into me?

Anyway, I purchased, started and finished the book yesterday. It was good. It seems very black and white, cut and dry, and based on common sense. Some of the lessons, for those of you who have not read it, include:
  • Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking. (But what about what the other article said about this being okay?)
  • Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
  • If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. (But he's on my mind and I haven't called him again... maybe we just had a miscommunication and he IS thinking of me and missing me terribly.)
  • You deserve a fucking phone call.
  • You are good enough to be asked out.
  • There's a guy out there who wants to marry you.
  • He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he's just not that into you.
  • Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
  • You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
  • You already have one asshole. You don't need another.

These are some of my favorite points the book makes. Of course, they sort of conflict with the article I posted from the other day that says it's okay to make the first move, to ask a guy out.

Confused? Yes, I am. I think that is fairly obvious. I have not tried to make contact with AIM since Sunday. I am going to see what happens. If, when I do see/talk to him again, he says anything about it, I'm playing around with this response (let me know what you think):

"I am 29 years old. I have loved deeply and been hurt deeply. I am ready to find a man who is not going to jerk me around, who makes it known that I am important to him through both his words and actions and who follows through with what he says he is going to do and I will not settle for less than that."

Earlier in the week I explained to a very good friend that I am disappointed and hurt by the fact that he did not call (mostly because he said he would) and that I was disappointed in myself for obviously being so wrong about people. I had a really good feeling about him... that he was a good, nice man.

I know that I have not so subtly implied that I would like to see where I could go with AIM in terms of a relationship but I also want to be his friend. Yes, I have been impatient with the speed, or lack thereof, with which our budding relationship has been going. But I do want to get to know him better before I jump into something serious.

It has been suggested to me that AIM is a good and nice man. That he does like me because afterall, he has called me since he's been gone... just not this time, when he said he would. It has also been suggested that I just play it cool, not mention anything about my disappointment and not wait. So why, even after reading this book and having so many discussions on this subject, do I still want to hold out hope?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I Can't Seem To Stop Writing...

May I just say for the umpteenth time that I am so very grateful that Mary introduced me to blogging and that I absolutely adore the friends I've made as a result?

This post is one that has been inspired by Srini, my lone regular male reader. While you ladies out there are always supportive and insightful, Srini has been asking me questions regarding my obsessive fixation (is that redundant?) on AIM and where things may or may not be heading with us. *Before I continue, thanks for making me look inside myself for the answers, Srini!*

I used to have friends who were ALWAYS in relationships. They could be brokenhearted about the end of a relationship on Friday and by Monday have a new boyfriend. I'm serious. There were some friends who seemed to NEED a boyfriend. It was like they didn't exist if they were not seeing someone. I never understood this and still don't to be quite honest. I kind of like my solo time. Though I should admit that I tend to lose my time when I enter into a relationship.

For me, it's always been important to heal when a relationship ends, which is why I have not sought out any male companionship since the big breakup. (Since AIM sought me out that is.) I don't like the idea of rebound relationships. I would never want to be one and therefore don't think I could do that to someone else either. It's the same as flings/one night stands/hooking up/no strings attached. (I am NOT judging anyone here, these are things I am not comfortable with for me, is all I'm saying.)

So it's been quite a few months since I reentered the single life and I've been using my time to get reacquainted with myself and to relearn how to appreciate solo time and me in general.

I have gotten starry-eyed with AIM. I know this. And at times, quite frankly, it has been nearly unbearable for me.

With all of this said, what is it that I want? I'll tell you. I want to find a man who will love me deeply, respect me and cherish me as a woman, person and eventually also as a wife and mother. I don't think this is unrealistic, unattainable or too much to ask for. When I do find this man, I would like to have at least two children with him as well.

I think I need to take Robin's advice and make a mental list of what it is that I will and will not put up with on the road to finding this man. I also need to draw the line on making excuses for other people (i.e., he's on vacation and just got busy, he forgot what day is was, maybe he thought it was too late to call, etc.). But as I said in an earlier post, short of saying he would call, AIM has absolutely NO obligation to me. We are merely talking right now.

I saw this article online today and felt it had some relevance to AIM and I. I have included the link to it as I have also shortened it somewhat to suit my blog.

Dating & Relating How to ask him out By Randy B. Hecht
How often have you met a guy who seems worth getting to know better — a neighbor, a classmate, a friend of a friend, whatever — and been disappointed because he didn’t take the next step? If you’re so interested in this guy, why don’t you make a move?

If you’re ready to give it a try, remember these tips:

Be confident, charming and calm. Or at least pretend to be. This may be your first time asking a guy out, but he doesn’t have to know that.
(Yea, I forgot this part.)

Grab a natural segue. Look for some opening in your conversations that can allow the invitation to be made as naturally as possible. (Did this successfully.)

Be direct and specific. Let’s have none of that wishy-washy “Would you like to go out some time?” business. Have a date and activity in mind and issue a full invitation. (Did this successfully.)

Keep it simple. For a first date, something casual and relaxed is a better bet than something overtly romantic or intimate. (Did this successfully.)

Don’t overwhelm him. Many men are perfectly cool with — even attracted to — the idea of a woman who will make the first move. If he does accept, the ball’s in his court to ask you out for your second date.*

*This is where we stand now.

"Female Magazines Evolve to Feature Flabby"

Weight is a big issue with me. I was a chubby kid and have grown into a somewhat overweight woman. I read this article in a local paper today and wanted to share it. I think it's great that these magazines are featuring more realistic girls rather than models who set unrealistic goals for young girls. I'm not sure I like the headline though. But it served its purpose and got me to read the article so I probably should zip it. Anyway, here's the article.

Female Magazines Evolve to Feature Flabby

Associated Press Writer

August 9, 2005, 2:47 PM EDT

NEW YORK -- Mixed among the pages of dazzling celebrities and rail-thin models that dominate fashion and teen magazines is a surprising sight: young women with thick thighs and flabby abs.

In Seventeen, Teen People, CosmoGirl! and Teen Vogue are bathing suit sections partly illustrated by less-than-perfect figures and tips on maximizing assets and minimizing defects.

Editors say they are using more average women and fewer models to reflect changing body types and to help self-conscious teens see that not everyone is perfect.

"It's not going to help my reader if we only show girls who are size 6's," said Atoosa Rubenstein, editor of Seventeen magazine. "Everyone is beautiful, it's just a matter of confidence, and we try to show that."

Teen People recently featured a story about Brittany Harper, a plus-sized 20-year-old who has competed in and won several beauty pageants against average-sized girls in North Carolina and currently holds the USA Eastern Miss title. Harper, from Goldsboro, N.C., said she's pleased to see more overweight women in magazines.

"I think maybe seeing someone like me in a magazine makes you realize that you don't have to be skinny to be pretty," she said. "People see skinny girls in magazines and they think that's what normal is when it's not the case."

Harper said she started entering the pageants because she was shy and self-conscious but now she's happy with her body.

In May 2004, Glamour Magazine broke a barrier of sorts by putting the sizable Queen Latifah on the cover. It outsold the May 2003 cover which featured svelte actresses Halle Berry and Rebecca Romijn.

Dove recently started an ad campaign featuring "real" women -- ranging from size 6 to 14 -- that shows them wearing only bras, panties and big smiles on billboards, bus stops and trains in Chicago, New York, and other cities. The ads are designed to sell products from Dove's firming collection -- lotions and creams meant to reduce the appearance of cellulite.

Rubenstein, who joined Seventeen two years ago after launching CosmoGirl!, said her priority has been to reflect the population. She said most of the girls in the style and beauty sections are not models, and variety helps illustrate cosmetics for different body and skin types. The magazine shows five skin tones now to reflect different ethnic groups.

"If you were a South Asian girl, you would have thought you didn't exist in this country if you looked at magazines," Rubenstein said. "Indian girls, girls from all over were just being neglected."

Seventeen's casting director chooses girls in malls, on the street, and anywhere she can find them for beauty and fitness sections. The magazine has increased newsstand sales by 17 percent in the past two years.

"It doesn't make good business sense to stay the same," Rubenstein said. "Girls today have so many different role models they wouldn't stand for it if they only saw the same thing every time they looked at Seventeen."

Jane Keltner, fashion news editor at Teen Vogue, said it's inspirational for girls to see how their peers are dressing.

"We try to use all shapes and sizes, but we're especially interested in their sense of personal expression and style," Keltner said.

Teen Vogue picks non-models for snapshot portraits highlighting individual styles, and also showcases cool bedrooms. The back-to-school issues followed girls in Boston and Dallas as they shopped for clothes and school supplies.

Emily Weiss, 20, was chosen to go thrift shopping with the magazine in her hometown of Wilton, Conn. She is thin and pretty, but said she was chosen because of her individual style.

"Women's magazines are fantastical and highly stylized," she said. "For a magazine to incorporate real fashion from real people off the street is important."

Experts are lauding the shift, but say the industry still puts too much pressure on girls to be thin and conventionally beautiful. And there's no question magazines are still putting thin, beautiful celebrities on their covers.

Mary Pipher, author of a book about teen girls and body image, "Reviving Ophelia," says anything that shows realistic women is a step in the right direction to help girls gain self-esteem. She argues in her books that teens are defined and pressured by the need to be beautiful.

"Presenting a broader range of beauty, even if it's under the guise of selling cosmetics, gives girls more permission to think they too are attractive," she said. "The ideal message is you're great just the way you are and you don't have to spend any money, but of course they need to sell magazines."

Jean Kilbourne, creator of the "Killing Us Softly" educational film series shown in schools, has been tracking the influence of media on women for the past 30 years. She says the pressure has never been worse.

"The ideal is more impossible than ever before," she said. "Technology now makes it possible to take a human being and make her flawless by using digital alteration, whittling down her thighs, whatever needs to be done."

Kilbourne said the international obsession with celebrities also adds to the pressure, making girls believe they should be able to look like Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts.

"Showing real girls is just great sociologically," she said. "Not only does it make more sense to show how a bathing suit will transform a person's body by using a real body, but it makes women feel like they aren't alone out there, that they are beautiful too."


AIM had said he'd call me yesterday. I was excited. I have been missing him and I really wanted to hear his voice.

But yesterday came and went with no phone call, no text messages and no e-mails/instant messages. I was/am bummed out by this.

Part of this is purely emotional (because, wow, I do like him) and part of it is because we've been working on building something (whether it be a friendship or a relationship remains to be seen) but without trust we can't have anything. Am I being very dramatic with the trust issue? I mean, in any sort of relationship, trust is non-negotiable. I'm not saying that people aren't ever going to disappoint you or fail to meet your expectations. I suppose it would probably be best if I stopped trying to analyze it and see what happens now.

I fully understand that short of telling me he would call, the man has absolutely no obligation to me. We are, after all, only talking. But I'm confused. I thought he was interested in me and quite frankly something like this (as little as it is) makes me wonder. Again, am I being dramatic here?

Hahaha! You know, I was reading my daily dose of blogs the other day and realized that I seem to be in a different boat than my other single blogger buddies who are dating several men where I have been focused on getting to know this one. I was going to blog about it then but opted against it. Hmmm... funny how things work out, eh?


I have to offer my official congratulations to two of my blogging buddies. In one instance the sentiment is a wee bit late and in the other pretty darn early.

First, I would like to offer belated congratulations to Baby Mhari, and her mommmy and daddy, Robin and Ken. This leads me to point out, in case you hadn't noticed, that The Womb is no longer on my list of links. In case you were having trouble with the connection... Mhari is no longer in The Womb and therefore has a new blog about her adventures on the outside that you can link to here or on the list of links, if you'd like.

My second round of congratulations goes out to my cousin, Mary, who called me the other night to tell me that she has become engaged. W-O-W. I just can't find the words to show you all how happy I am for her.

Well, they say everything happens in threes... who else has good news?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Two For Two

He said he'd call on Friday and he called. Well, sort of. We exchanged several text messages. As far as I'm concerned though, it counts.

The first message came a little before 11 pm. I had been thinking of him all day but since he's on vacation and since we're just talking I don't want to be constantly calling, etc. Around 10 pm I began thinking that he'd forgotten that he'd said he would call. Then I got the text message.

I sent him an e-mail this morning and told him I'd call him in a day or so and wished him a wonderful visit and vacation.

What it comes down to (right now) is that I'm feeling optimistic and that is a feeling I have to get used to having again!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Assorted Thoughts...

He called. His first night on the road and he already called. :-) I felt good about that. Especially since I was surprised that he called so soon. We spoke for nearly 20 minutes and he said he'd call me again on Friday. Interesting.

In related thoughts, it has been suggested to me (by a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent friend) that I am putting too much pressure on the possible relationship with AIM. Hmmm... that's not something I'm thrilled to hear but I'll admit that it is completely true.

There is a lot of pressure. It's been so long since I've been single that I'm just really unsure of everything. I am fine getting to know people but I sort of freak when that element of romantic interest shows up. I panic. What the heck is wrong with me? I'm nearly 30, I want to get married and I want to have kids. So why am I acting like such a drama queen? I think you all know what I mean... I want to show my good qualities. I also want to hide the psycho-like qualities from any potential mate. I think I've been doing a good job of that with AIM so far but I feel a lot of pressure not to fail again.

I know, I know. It takes two to make a relationship work and any relationship that doesn't isn't so much a failure as it is a stepping stone on the path of growth to the relationship that will work.

So I must say thank you to my beautiful, wonderful, intelligent friend who offered me this insight. I appreciate you and your perspective. My gratitude goes out to all of my blogging friends as well. Without your help, I'd really be a mess!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Isn't Therapy Supposed To Make You Feel BETTER?

Okay, so a fact I may or may not have mentioned is that after the big breakup I started therapy. It's something I had thought a great deal about over the years but never really had the nerve to do because, well, I'm fine. I'm not sick and I certainly don't need help sorting through my feelings. I mean, really, I have friends for that.

Even though I had all of those opinions about why I shouldn't go to therapy... somewhere inside I knew I needed it. I knew that there was so much inside that could really drag me down and suffocate me if I let it. The big breakup was the catalyst to the proverbial damn breaking. After about two months, when I was still crying ALL of the time, etc., I decided to seek out help. Although my friends are great, I knew I needed more.

The process has not been wonderful with each and every session. There are days when the therapist pushes my buttons and pisses me off and days where she is really great.

Today was one of the days where she pissed me off. We discussed my very intense inner rage today. I have strong anger issues where my parents are concerned (something I really didn't need a therapist to identify) and am apparently very angry at AIM for backing out of yesterday so late in the day. (I identified some annoyance but anger/rage are not words I would have used for that particular situation.)

Anyway, I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better. Sure, I know, sometimes you have to feel worse on the road to feeling better but I've been doing that. So where does this come from?

Am I really angry at AIM? Disappointed? Yes. Hurt? Sure. But angry? I don't know about that.

Believe In Yourself

I found this last night. It was never lost, not really. It just wasn't in plain sight, therefore not at the forefront of my brain. Anyway, I've had it for a long time and just wanted to share since I think it's worth it...

Believe in yourself,
what you think, what you feel,
Believe in the truth,
in the good, the ideal,
Believe that your dreams
can someday become real...
Forever and always,

Believe in yourself
and in what you can do,
Believe in the goals
that you strive to pursue,
Believe in the friends
who believe in you, too...
Forever and always,

What A Waste...

I had really hoped to have something exciting and happy to share with you all today but as it turns out, I don't. All of my efforts at fixing AIM a Roadtrip Survival Kit Rebecca-style were for naught as he bailed on me last night.

On Monday, he said he would call me on Tuesday to let me know what time I could come out to his place. I had suggested going out there right after work (since I get out at 4) or waiting a little longer. He responded that he hoped we could have dinner together. I was on Cloud 9.

I think it was finally around 6:30 last night when he showed up online and apologized for not calling sooner. He wouldn't say it so I finally asked if it would be better if I didn't go out there and he said "yes, unfortunately, I think it would be better since I still have so much to do." Well then, get off the freaking computer!

Even though my little travel kit was no big deal, I was disappointed not to give it to him.

And I suppose that's what the real issue is here. I'm surprised at how disappointed I am. Because really the package was no big deal.

Monday, August 01, 2005

I Hate Bra Shopping

There's really no way to do this other than to just jump right in, so...

I hate bra shopping. It is embarrassing, to say the least. I mean, I'm nearly 30... I've been wearing a bra for a LONG time. How could I possibly NOT know what size I am?

I'll tell you how. I've lost and gained so much weight in recent years (and unfortunately my bust is the last place to gain but the first place to lose) that I've just sort of kept wearing whatever size I was wearing when this particular yo-yo cycle began.

Today, I decided I needed a new bra (I'll explain why shortly since I'm making up for lost time here). There's a store, across the street from work that specializes in helping women find the proper bra. So, after work, this is where I headed first.

Luckily for me (since I blush fairly easily) a saleswoman asked if I needed any help. And, for once in my life in this type of situation, I was honest and told her that yes, I did need help. I explained that I have a blouse that has a rather low cut and I was looking for a bra that I could wear with it that wouldn't pop out of the front of said very plunging neckline.

I explain how I've lost and gained weight and am not certain what size bra I should be wearing so we go into the dressing area for her to measure me. Not a bad deal. The last time I got measured (at a different store), the saleswoman measured me right out on the main floor. Thankfully there was no one else in the store at the time!

But back to today. We go into the dressing area and the woman measures me and then asks what size I wear. Ummm... hello? You just measured me. Shouldn't you know this? If I was certain what size I should wear, would I have let you measure me? These thoughts I kept to myself though. She's just trying to help afterall. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding the delivery of the question.

Okay, so I tell her what size I'm currently wearing and she scoots out to find me something to try on. Now I'm standing in the dressing room feeling pretty weird that I don't have anything to do and not wanting to make nice though not really informed saleslady nervous by hovering so I continue to wait.

She finally returns with a bra. Strapless but that goes pretty much down to your waist and hooks all the way up the back. Not bad if I'm going to be in a gown. But, I'm searching for this elusive bra specifically to wear with one blouse. I explain this to her and off she goes again. This time she again returns with only one bra but it's a regular strapless and even though I didn't have the blouse with me, I think it'll work but if it doesn't, well, I didn't have a strapless bra so I guess maybe I needed one.

Here's the best part though. I try on the bra and see her lurking outside the dressing room (which only has a curtain, rather than a door) and just as I notice her... yep. You guessed it. She rips the curtain open and tells me how nice the bra looks on me.


Anyway, I bought the bra. Now, I should probably try it on with the blouse and make sure it's okay before I wear it tomorrow to see AIM.

Yup. That's right. We made a breakthrough and have finally spoken on the phone and I am going to see him again tomorrow night. He's going to visit some friends in Florida for two weeks. He's driving and leaving home on either Wednesday or Thursday. So I have prepared a little Road Trip Survival Kit Rebecca-style. Said kit will include a six pack of bottled water, one of those foldable coolers that you just need ice packs for, 2 packs each of three types of gum (right brand, hopefully one is the right flavor) and a little container of my homemade peanut butter cup cookies.

All he knows is that I have something for him to take with him. I'm excited about giving this to him. There's nothing big or time consuming about my little kit but it'll show him that I've been thinking about him. And hopefully it'll make him think of me while he's gone! Yay!