Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Emotional Idiocy At Its Best

Recap:

I e-mailed AIM on Saturday and said I would give him a call on Sunday or Monday. Yes, maybe this was overkill since he is on vacation but I wanted to hear his voice. I am such a lame-o girl. On Sunday night I called and left a voicemail message. Shortly after that I signed online and there was an e-mail from AIM saying he would call me on Monday. After having already left him a voicemail, I opted against answering the e-mail. I figured that would REALLY be overkill. Today is Thursday. I have not heard from him. At all. Not an e-mail, text message or phone call. I am one cranky bitch right now.

Yesterday, during my lunch break I went to the book store and purchased a copy of He's Just Not That Into You. Sure, I'd heard all the hype about it when the book first came out but I didn't need help! For crying out loud, I was in a 5-plus year relationship. How, after that long, could he not be into me?

Anyway, I purchased, started and finished the book yesterday. It was good. It seems very black and white, cut and dry, and based on common sense. Some of the lessons, for those of you who have not read it, include:
  • Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking. (But what about what the other article said about this being okay?)
  • Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
  • If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. (But he's on my mind and I haven't called him again... maybe we just had a miscommunication and he IS thinking of me and missing me terribly.)
  • You deserve a fucking phone call.
  • You are good enough to be asked out.
  • There's a guy out there who wants to marry you.
  • He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he's just not that into you.
  • Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
  • You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
  • You already have one asshole. You don't need another.

These are some of my favorite points the book makes. Of course, they sort of conflict with the article I posted from the other day that says it's okay to make the first move, to ask a guy out.

Confused? Yes, I am. I think that is fairly obvious. I have not tried to make contact with AIM since Sunday. I am going to see what happens. If, when I do see/talk to him again, he says anything about it, I'm playing around with this response (let me know what you think):

"I am 29 years old. I have loved deeply and been hurt deeply. I am ready to find a man who is not going to jerk me around, who makes it known that I am important to him through both his words and actions and who follows through with what he says he is going to do and I will not settle for less than that."

Earlier in the week I explained to a very good friend that I am disappointed and hurt by the fact that he did not call (mostly because he said he would) and that I was disappointed in myself for obviously being so wrong about people. I had a really good feeling about him... that he was a good, nice man.

I know that I have not so subtly implied that I would like to see where I could go with AIM in terms of a relationship but I also want to be his friend. Yes, I have been impatient with the speed, or lack thereof, with which our budding relationship has been going. But I do want to get to know him better before I jump into something serious.

It has been suggested to me that AIM is a good and nice man. That he does like me because afterall, he has called me since he's been gone... just not this time, when he said he would. It has also been suggested that I just play it cool, not mention anything about my disappointment and not wait. So why, even after reading this book and having so many discussions on this subject, do I still want to hold out hope?

10 Comments:

  • At 8/11/2005 11:18 AM, Blogger Pheebs said…

    that was a GREAT book! The point that actually had me laughing out loud was when he says,"Calling when he says he will is the first brick to building that house of love...if he can't even do that, there's never going to be a house. And baby, it's cold outside."

    they will always make time to call you even if it's only to talk for a minute, no matter how busy they are..hope it works out with him!

     
  • At 8/11/2005 12:06 PM, Blogger patrice said…

    okay. I'm going to be the voice of dissent, and I hope no one gets mad at me. you point out that you read this book and you're confused because it conflicts an article you read previously. why? because you can't write a book about how to have a relationship! you just can't. there's not even a good analogy to illustrate the point. maybe I can conjure up the old and disgusting adage of "there's more than one way to skin a cat."

    but here's a try. let's say I tell you that the ONLY way to get a guy is by speaking english to him. and someone else says you HAVE to speak spanish to him. and someone else says that a mixture, ie spanglish, is the BEST way. what if the guy speaks german?? clearly none of those would work!

    that said, there are, of course, some good points that you listed. yes, you deserve a phone call. and it may be in your best interests to tell yourself that he's not into you, so you don't make this into a big thing. but in the end, you're going to want to know WHY he didn't call, WHAT it is he doesn't like, and you're going to ask him. and he might be all "I never said I didn't like you" and then you'll be all "oh...um...I just assumed..." and then he might be all "well, now I don't, crazy lady."

    I don't mean to be harsh. I just get upset when people try to force their lives along a path that a book tells them is the best. did the author ever meet you or AIM? if not, she or he is not qualified to tell you what's what.

     
  • At 8/11/2005 12:26 PM, Blogger Kim said…

    I just came across your blog and I know exactly what you're going through.

    I get a little too tied up and expect things quickly. Then I feel as if I failed in some way because my expectations weren't meant.

    As far as focusing on just one person, I do the same thing. It's difficult to forget about the one who really catches your heart when trying to "play the field".

    Just know that you should be true to yourself. Be honest With AIM and don't forget that obligation to yourself as well.

    Maya Angelou says "I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it."

    Learn from this experience and maybe you shouldn't analyze everything. It's difficult, I know, but analyzing just creates problems within yourself.

     
  • At 8/11/2005 12:39 PM, Blogger NME said…

    I agree that relationship rule books can sometimes be more harmful than helpful. It is necessary for these books to generalize about certain types of people - and you yourself know that you don't feel exactly the same way about things that everyone else does.

    They can be fun to read and an exercise in discovering different viewpoints - but they are not to live by.

    And just because some one is a crappy boyfriend does not mean they are not a good man. They just might not have the relationship skills.

    I chased my husband around for a year before he really wanted to have a real relationship. And I would never advise anyone to do that because at the time it sucked. But in the end it worked out because he's an incredibly good man who is so thoughtful, caring and sweet - a fantastic husband and father - which is what I thought when I was shamelessly pursuing him - even though at the time (7 years ago) he was being a dick. So you never can tell.

     
  • At 8/11/2005 5:19 PM, Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said…

    Because you are girl just remember these no matter what happens with AIM:

    You deserve a fucking phone call.
    You are good enough to be asked out.
    There's a guy out there who wants to marry you.

    All will be well, just relax and take things as they come (I know easier said than done, I'm the QUEEN of that) and always use us to vent on, that's why we are here. I'm no expert but if/when he does call/email know it's because he likes you.

     
  • At 8/11/2005 6:35 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    Okay, I am in agreement with NME and Patrice. I think the book might be crap. Yes, you deserve a phone call, but you don't know the circumstances. He may be sitting there on the other end asking all of his friends what to do and not calling for the same reasons you are not calling.

    On the other hand, when I met my husband, everything was just natural. There was no worrying about calling or anything, just everything fell into place naturally. Not that it is always that way, as evidenced by NME's comment. But that proves that there are no set "rules" and that by listening to advice in a dopey book, you could miss out on something good. Maybe he is following the advice of an equally stupid book and that is why he hasn't called :) It is so early in the relationship; wait till you do finally talk to him to feel out the situation. Give him a chance at least before you write him off.

     
  • At 8/12/2005 12:45 PM, Blogger Sherri said…

    Have you told him how it makes you feel when he doesn't call? I once had a relationship like you described. I told the guy that him calling lets me know he cares. He said, "Really? I had no idea." He started calling more. Just a thought. Good luck!

     
  • At 8/12/2005 3:04 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Pheebs-- I loved the quote that you mentioned from the book. It's so true.

    Patrice-- The crazy lady comment is EXACTLY how I was feeling but the way you stated it made me laugh my ass off!

    Kim-- I couldn't have said it better myself!

    Nicole-- One thing that I have gotten out of this post is that you're right, this book is good for offering potential guidelines but maybe less so for creating set in stone rules.

    Glitter-- I hope you're right and he does like me. I guess I'll just have to chill a bit and see what happens.

    Jen-- Thank you! Of course I had briefly considered that he was feeling the same insecurities as me but for some reason or another, I brushed that off pretty quickly. I mean, he's a guy. Guys don't get all that insecure over women... do they? Your insight, as always, is wonderful and I'm so glad you shared!

    Sherri-- This is really pretty new with him. We've been talking for about a month but it's mostly been online... we've only gone out once (and it was really nice) and have only spoken on the phone maybe three times. I don't really want to share hurt feelings online though. So, to answer your question, no, I haven't said anything to him about. Maybe the next time I see him.

     
  • At 8/13/2005 9:39 AM, Blogger M.Thom said…

    I am going to give it a "take a deep breath" and "calm the heck down." I think you might be overthinking things (and, dare I say, obsessing a little). While that is a good book, parts of it are meant to get a laugh...so it's probably not the one to base your entire relationship persona on.

    Maybe he forgot...he's a man; they do that. If you never hear from him again, that's a good indication. But if he didn't call when he said he would, he could have gotten busy and forgotten. Just go about your business and see what happens...he could still call!

     
  • At 8/18/2005 8:53 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    *hug*

    I don't know what else to say.

     

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