Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Fighting Off The Funk

Well, I'm feeling a little bit better today. It helps that I was incredibly busy at work and then went to the gym and basically didn't have much time to think about AIM and what is or is not going on with him. Thank you Glitter, Jen and Lonna for your comments. I always know that I can commiserate with Glitter because very often it seems like we're going through the same exact things. Jen, you are just too cute. I love the relationship that you and Andy have and hope that one day I am lucky enough to have something similar. And Lonna, one of my newest blogger buddies, thank you. I found great comfort in your comment and the fact that you've been through this. I'm not certain that AIM is "the one" for me but it's good to know that he's not the first guy to pull this kind of crap on a woman.

So I have to acknowledge the birthday thing... Glitter is the 14th, Lonna the 15th and I am the 16th. Wish we could all get together and knock a few back. :-)

Well, thanks to everyone for "listening" to me rant and rave yet again. I appreciate it.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Feeling Blue

Today I am feeling blue. I'm thinking too much and I have a headache as a result.

Thursday was the first Thanksgiving in six years that my ex was not a part of the festivities with myself and my family. I thought of him as I prepared the sweet potatoes the way he showed me. His mom used to make them this way and my family has grown to really enjoy them as well as is evidenced by the fact that there were none left! I also thought of him as my aunt cursed the turkey while she was trying to carve it, as I did my best to pack the dishwasher as well as he used to and when the stuffing and cole slaw (traditions of my family that he grew to love) were put on the table. I had a moment of sadness for all of the things we're missing now with each other but was grateful that we'd had the chance to share the things we did.

This Thanksgiving is also the first time in six years that I have a new boyfriend for the holiday. I did not, however, get to see him and I didn't get to speak to him until 10:30 at night. (Between us, I'm not sure how much longer this is going to last but I'll get into that a little more later on.)

I swore off shopping in honor of Black Friday. No way. But then, I went with a friend to a little strip mall nearby to get her son's first Christmas pictures taken. What an angel he was. So cute. It was great to see her and to be around this adorable baby but it made me sad because I want a family so much and it just seems so incredibly out of reach.

Following the roller coaster of emotions that spending three hours with them caused I went home and moved furniture and put up the Christmas tree. Today, I put the lights on the tree.

Short of buying gifts for other people, I don't want to think about Christmas until after my birthday which is sort of difficult since my birthday is only nine days before Christmas. Which leads me to a whole different rant. I am two and a half weeks away from turning 30 and I have NOTHING to show for my life. NOTHING. The number 30 doesn't really scare me but I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like this is a milestone that should mark some great things... great things that I don't have.

And that brings me back to AIM. I do really like him but I need to talk to him. I haven't seen him in two weeks and this doesn't seem to bother him at all. I'm getting the feeling that he's changed his mind and is thinking that he doesn't want to date me or date me exclusively. Of course, I keep reminding myself that the holidays have to be taking a toll on him since they're the first without his mom. (But you would, or at least, I think, that he would want to lean on someone during this hard time... and if he's leaning on anyone, it's not me.)

In a moment of contemplation this weekend I got the feeling of deja vu. Before the ex and I parted ways we weren't talking or seeing each other as often as we had been and, quite frankly, I had gotten the feeling that I was dating a man that didn't want to be around me. I was not good at communicating my feelings with him and have tried to be better at this with AIM and this is one of those times where I need to talk. I haven't spoken much about my ex to AIM because I want AIM to be AIM and do things that he wants to do or say things that he wants to say. I don't want him constantly thinking that he's got to do or say XYZ because my ex didn't. But at this point, with me having these feelings, I need to open up to him some and tell him that I'm not digging the idea of dating someone that doesn't want to see me.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Looking For Love

Why am I equally as afraid of finding love as I am of not finding it? Is AIM having the same feelings? Is he the one for me? When will I know? How will I know?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving

Tomorrow my parent's and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle and my cousin Alissa. Usually, the celebration includes a few other people, like Mary (who is unfortunately for us working this year) and various boyfriends of Alissa, Mary or I.

With Mary unable to make the trip and various boyfriends either not existing or having other plans, it's going to be a pretty quiet holiday. We're not an especially rowdy bunch but it's going to be strange.

Don't get me wrong... I know that tomorrow is about giving thanks for the wonderful things in our lives but shouldn't we do that everyday? I appreciate my family and feel selfish that I would like so much to see AIM on the holiday. Whether he came here or I went there or we ate two dinners apiece because we each visited with the other family... it doesn't matter. I just want to see him. But I don't think I'm going to. And as difficult as it is for me, I have to keep in mind that it is his first major family holiday since his mom passed away. I, thankfully, have not yet had to endure this type of loss and while that is great for me, it makes me wonder what I can do (if there's anything) to make the day easier or at least less painful for AIM. So far, the friends I've spoken with, tell me just to back off but let him know I'm here for him. I think I've done that but I honestly don't feel like it's enough.

I don't know that I'm really looking for answers here (though they would be as appreciated as always). I didn't even mean to turn this post into a vent... I just sort of got caught up in the feeling.

Well, before I get too far sidetracked from my original intention... I wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Sorry For The Delay...

I'm so sorry for the delay in posting about the trip to Atlantic City with AIM! Assuming that you care... read on!

Approximately a week prior to our trip, AIM and I were online chatting when I asked him if he'd "do something stupid with me" when we went. He asked what and I told him that ever since I'd first heard about it I've wanted to go see Lucy the Elephant. I sent him the link to the webpage and while he didn't say yes, he more importantly didn't say no but that was the end of that portion of the conversation. Lucy did not come up in any conversations between then and when we left either. Imagine my surprise, when on the way down, he asked if I'd noticed "my" directions on the floor. I said no and looked and there were directions to Lucy!

I have to admit... it was really kind of corny and lame but I was thrilled to no end that he humored me. We pulled up, looked at Lucy, checked the gift shop and left. A totally uneventful portion of the trip but still important (to me)!

After leaving Lucy, we drove the remaining 10 minutes or so to Atlantic City and checked into The Sands. Our room wasn't ready but we left our stuff with the Bell Service and began to wander. First we had lunch at the buffet (not so impressive) and then we began to gamble. I think we also took a stroll on the Boardwalk that day. After we got settled into the room, we went to dinner and then continued to wander between The Sands and Claridge.

On Thursday it was much of the same. However, we took the Jitney over to the Borgata where we gambled some, ate dinner and went to the Gwen Stefani show. What a concert! I've never seen Gwen in concert but AIM is a HUGE fan. Now, I never asked about our seats but I did check online where I learned that the Event Center in the Borgata only has between 3,000 and 4,000 seats. The way I figured it, no seat is a bad seat in a venue that size. Imagine my surprise though when the usher made a left hand turn to our seats and brought us all the way to the 7th row! OH MY GOD!!!! She only performed from the Love, Angel, Music, Baby album (are they still called albums???) but it was phenomenal! We stood the entire time and I even shook my booty (a VERY rare thing for those of you that don't know me well)!

After the concert we took the Jitney back to the Sands, gambled, drank and then went upstairs. On Friday, after we got ourselves out of bed and packed, we went back to the Boardwalk for a little while and then headed out. We were not, I learned, heading straight home though. AIM's mom's best friend lives in New Jersey (I forget the name of the town but it's somewhere up near the George Washington Bridge). Anyway, he had made arrangements to meet her and her kids for dinner on Friday. He told me that he told them he was bringing his girlfriend! Woo-Hoo! Don't get me wrong, I had pretty much figured it out by then but it was really nice to hear him say it!

We spent a good four to five hours there and had a really nice time. Both his mom's friend and her daughter hugged me when we were leaving and told me to come back. I know people always say come back anytime but the way I see it, if they didn't like me enough to mean it they wouldn't have hugged me.

After we left there, AIM asked if I was tired and I told him that I was. He, on the other hand, was wide awake but asked if I would mind if we went out when we got back to his house because his friends were at the bar. No problem, I told him, I don't know how long I'll be good for but sure, we could go out.

A very interesting night it was. The bar's owner engaged me in an hours long conversation about his penis. Yes, you read that correctly. It was thoroughly entertaining. I do have to thank my lucky stars that he only talked and didn't offer to show. AIM heard bits and pieces of the conversation his friend was having with me and, being a gentleman, left me to fend for myself! Like I said though, at least it was entertaining!

We stayed for a few hours. He was surprised that I had as many drinks as I did (since I don't drink very much or very often). When we were leaving, the bartender gave me a big hug and kiss and told me to come back "because he speaks so highly of you."

At this point, I'd had quite a few drinks and was very tired so I stayed with AIM rather than attempting the 40-minute drive home. However, shortly after waking up the next morning I left. I figured, in part, that we'd had a good three days together so why jinx that by sticking around but also, we both had stuff to do at our respective homes.

Since then, things have been good. There have been moments when I've sort of freaked out (to my friends) about us but like I told one friend "when we're together everything is wonderful, it's when we're not together that I start to get a little freaky." In my last relationship, I spoke to the man every day between 1 and 3 times a day and saw him probably about 4 times a week. With AIM, we're talking sporadically. It's every few days at best, unless we catch each other online, and we see each other on either Friday or Saturday night most of the time. It's difficult to get used to but I'm working hard to manage because I really like this guy!

So, that's about it at the moment. I promise to try to catch up with my neglected blogger friends this weekend. I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday by the way!