Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Feeling Blue

Today I am feeling blue. I'm thinking too much and I have a headache as a result.

Thursday was the first Thanksgiving in six years that my ex was not a part of the festivities with myself and my family. I thought of him as I prepared the sweet potatoes the way he showed me. His mom used to make them this way and my family has grown to really enjoy them as well as is evidenced by the fact that there were none left! I also thought of him as my aunt cursed the turkey while she was trying to carve it, as I did my best to pack the dishwasher as well as he used to and when the stuffing and cole slaw (traditions of my family that he grew to love) were put on the table. I had a moment of sadness for all of the things we're missing now with each other but was grateful that we'd had the chance to share the things we did.

This Thanksgiving is also the first time in six years that I have a new boyfriend for the holiday. I did not, however, get to see him and I didn't get to speak to him until 10:30 at night. (Between us, I'm not sure how much longer this is going to last but I'll get into that a little more later on.)

I swore off shopping in honor of Black Friday. No way. But then, I went with a friend to a little strip mall nearby to get her son's first Christmas pictures taken. What an angel he was. So cute. It was great to see her and to be around this adorable baby but it made me sad because I want a family so much and it just seems so incredibly out of reach.

Following the roller coaster of emotions that spending three hours with them caused I went home and moved furniture and put up the Christmas tree. Today, I put the lights on the tree.

Short of buying gifts for other people, I don't want to think about Christmas until after my birthday which is sort of difficult since my birthday is only nine days before Christmas. Which leads me to a whole different rant. I am two and a half weeks away from turning 30 and I have NOTHING to show for my life. NOTHING. The number 30 doesn't really scare me but I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like this is a milestone that should mark some great things... great things that I don't have.

And that brings me back to AIM. I do really like him but I need to talk to him. I haven't seen him in two weeks and this doesn't seem to bother him at all. I'm getting the feeling that he's changed his mind and is thinking that he doesn't want to date me or date me exclusively. Of course, I keep reminding myself that the holidays have to be taking a toll on him since they're the first without his mom. (But you would, or at least, I think, that he would want to lean on someone during this hard time... and if he's leaning on anyone, it's not me.)

In a moment of contemplation this weekend I got the feeling of deja vu. Before the ex and I parted ways we weren't talking or seeing each other as often as we had been and, quite frankly, I had gotten the feeling that I was dating a man that didn't want to be around me. I was not good at communicating my feelings with him and have tried to be better at this with AIM and this is one of those times where I need to talk. I haven't spoken much about my ex to AIM because I want AIM to be AIM and do things that he wants to do or say things that he wants to say. I don't want him constantly thinking that he's got to do or say XYZ because my ex didn't. But at this point, with me having these feelings, I need to open up to him some and tell him that I'm not digging the idea of dating someone that doesn't want to see me.

4 Comments:

  • At 11/27/2005 10:20 AM, Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said…

    You know that is the hardest thing...I enjoyed my first holiday without my EX and it was wonderful...but I do agree if AIM doesn't want to see you then you need to talk to him.

     
  • At 11/27/2005 6:46 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    Just remeber, 30 is just a number, and I disagree with you that you have nothing to show for it. You are a wonderful person and you have a good job, keep your own home, and are becoming a strong woman. There is something to be said for that.

    If I were you I would talk to AIM, though, and let him know how I felt. Maybe he doesn't realize.

     
  • At 11/28/2005 4:23 PM, Blogger lonna said…

    My birthday is the 15th, so I only have ten days before Christmas. I don't like to think about Christmas until after my birthday either. I was still in school when I turned 30 which freaked me out a little, but it helped to focus on what I had accomplished. I had great friends, and I was working on my future. Sometimes that's all that should be going at 30.

    As far as AIM, I went through some of this with my husband when we were dating. For the first several months I wanted to see and talk to him more than he wanted to see and talk to me. We talked about a little bit, but I usually backed off because I didn't want to seem like the needy monster that I was. Eventually, we spent more time together, and I helped him through a difficult patch. Then we were apart for 2 weeks. Having almost no contact for 2 weeks changed everything for us. AIM may still be very interested in you and want things to progress, but he may not think about the fact that you may need more contact than him and that's okay. I think that you do need to talk to him about it. Maybe you can find a compromise.

     
  • At 11/29/2005 1:33 PM, Blogger patrice said…

    my unsolicited advice is to talk to him about it but in a way that makes it really really unemotional. like, very matter of fact. I did that with sean when we were dating and I was worried, as you are, about turning 30. I told him that I had certain expectations about my life that were important to me and this is what they are: a, b, c. and if he didn't think he wanted to be a part of those things then it would be better for both of us if he said so now so that I could go and find someone who was. because by that time I really didn't feel like wasting time or energy on something that would never get to where I wanted it.

    he said he was up for it, but I had already made up my mind that I would be okay if he weren't. it was something about taking the control back that really made me feel good inside.

    perhaps that might work for you - taking control?

     

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