Today I am feeling blue. I'm thinking too much and I have a headache as a result.
Thursday was the first Thanksgiving in six years that my ex was not a part of the festivities with myself and my family. I thought of him as I prepared the sweet potatoes the way he showed me. His mom used to make them this way and my family has grown to really enjoy them as well as is evidenced by the fact that there were none left! I also thought of him as my aunt cursed the turkey while she was trying to carve it, as I did my best to pack the dishwasher as well as he used to and when the stuffing and cole slaw (traditions of my family that he grew to love) were put on the table. I had a moment of sadness for all of the things we're missing now with each other but was grateful that we'd had the chance to share the things we did.
This Thanksgiving is also the first time in six years that I have a new boyfriend for the holiday. I did not, however, get to see him and I didn't get to speak to him until 10:30 at night. (Between us, I'm not sure how much longer this is going to last but I'll get into that a little more later on.)
I swore off shopping in honor of Black Friday. No way. But then, I went with a friend to a little strip mall nearby to get her son's first Christmas pictures taken. What an angel he was. So cute. It was great to see her and to be around this adorable baby but it made me sad because I want a family so much and it just seems so incredibly out of reach.
Following the roller coaster of emotions that spending three hours with them caused I went home and moved furniture and put up the Christmas tree. Today, I put the lights on the tree.
Short of buying gifts for other people, I don't want to think about Christmas until after my birthday which is sort of difficult since my birthday is only nine days before Christmas. Which leads me to a whole different rant. I am two and a half weeks away from turning 30 and I have NOTHING to show for my life. NOTHING. The number 30 doesn't really scare me but I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like this is a milestone that should mark some great things... great things that I don't have.
And that brings me back to AIM. I do really like him but I need to talk to him. I haven't seen him in two weeks and this doesn't seem to bother him at all. I'm getting the feeling that he's changed his mind and is thinking that he doesn't want to date me or date me exclusively. Of course, I keep reminding myself that the holidays have to be taking a toll on him since they're the first without his mom. (But you would, or at least, I think, that he would want to lean on someone during this hard time... and if he's leaning on anyone, it's not me.)
In a moment of contemplation this weekend I got the feeling of deja vu. Before the ex and I parted ways we weren't talking or seeing each other as often as we had been and, quite frankly, I had gotten the feeling that I was dating a man that didn't want to be around me. I was not good at communicating my feelings with him and have tried to be better at this with AIM and this is one of those times where I need to talk. I haven't spoken much about my ex to AIM because I want AIM to be AIM and do things that he wants to do or say things that he wants to say. I don't want him constantly thinking that he's got to do or say XYZ because my ex didn't. But at this point, with me having these feelings, I need to open up to him some and tell him that I'm not digging the idea of dating someone that doesn't want to see me.