Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Deja Vu

I had a bizarre realization the other day that I just wanted to share since I am and have been in such a crummy mood...
My 30th year is off to just as lousy a start as my 29th year.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Another Good-Bye (I Think)

A week ago last Friday was the 30th birthday of one of AIM's friends. She had plans with her sister but about two weeks before her birthday her sister backed out. AIM and another one of their good friends planned to take her out to dinner for her birthday and were making phone calls to get as many people together as possible. As it turns out, it ended up only being AIM and the girl who planned the dinner, the birthday girl and myself.

We had a good time and after we were done with dinner AIM and I went to his neighbor's holiday party. Everything was good. He was affectionate and was telling everyone at the party that my birthday was the following week. We stayed at the party pretty late and then went back to his house and crashed. In the morning, I was awake for the day first so I let him sleep while I took a shower and dressed and then I opted to watch TV in the living room. He came out about an hour later and said he thought I'd left but I told him I would have either woken him up to say good-bye or I'd have left a note. I left shortly after this but there was no reason to think that anything at all was wrong.

On the following Tuesday I dragged him shopping with me. Well okay, I didn't exactly drag him. I asked him if he would like to go with me and he said yes so we made plans. On the way to the mall I asked if there was anything he'd like for Christmas and he answered me by telling me that he was not exchanging gifts with his brother and sister-in-law because he's broke and they're expecting another baby. I didn't think anything of it because, quite frankly, it made sense to me.

However, since I'd already gotten a few gifts (nothing crazy) for AIM and his niece, I wanted to also get something for his brother and sister-in-law. I told him I didn't want to get them anything with the expectation of getting something in return but because I just wanted to do something nice for them. I asked him if he had any ideas and he said no. After giving it some thought I told him I'd get them a gift certificate to one of their favorite restaurants and make a gift certificate that said AIM and I would babysit the night they went. He thought it was a good idea and so we went to do that. This was the same restaurant we'd been to the Friday before. It's sooo good. While we were there on Tuesday, we got lunch! The check came while he was in the bathroom and I figured that since a) he pays for everything every time we go out, b) he wasn't feeling great and c) that he wasn't exchanging gifts with his family that I'd buy lunch to say thank you for keeping me company.

Overall, the day was good. When I was finally tired of shopping we went back to his house and laid down to watch TV for a while. Things were still good.

When I got home that night there were two (snail mail) cards from AIM waiting for me. One was a Christmas card and one was a birthday card. On Friday morning he sent me an e-card for my birthday as well. Around 3:30 in the afternoon, I was getting impatient and wanted to make plans for the evening so I called him and left a message telling him to call me back. I didn't say anything about my birthday or making plans, I just asked him to call me.

Five o'clock came and no phone call at work or on the cell phone. I had since made plans to go to dinner with my best friend (the only one who'd tried to make plans with me mind you). We got to the restaurant at around 8 pm and were seated finally a little after 9. God bless her. I was so miserable that he still hadn't called that all I could do was think about him and talk about him and wonder what was up with him. After dinner she humored me and said sure she'd take a ride with me out to his town to see if he was home.

First off, I'll admit that this was stupid idea but I was hurting and confused. My second stupid idea was to take my car instead of hers, which he's never seen. The first place I drove past was the bar. I didn't go into the parking lot because it's small and we would not have been missed had anyone been standing outside. I took a quick glance though and didn't see his car so I drove back around to the main street to head toward his house. Wouldn't you know it? There were three men standing in front of the bar as we drove past. I ever so gracefully (yea right) hid my face as we were going by because the one man, who had his back to the street, looked like him. From the speed I was going, the fact that I was trying not to be seen and the rush of emotion at seeing him, I couldn't be 100% certain it was him but my gut says it was. To be sure, I drove past his house and his car was not there.

My friend thought I was going into the bar to confront him and I had told her on the way out that it was a possibility. What stopped me? I realized when we got there that there was no way I could walk into the place and not look like a fool. At least I made what I think is one good decision that night. By the way, after I said it was him outside and hid my face she turned to look and said that none of the people outside the bar had looked twice so I suppose there's a good chance that we weren't noticed.

Anyway, Saturday I got no phone call. All day Sunday no phone call. As you can imagine, at this point I was pretty miserable. At 12:20 last night I heard my cell phone beep from the other room. I went to look and it said one missed call. I checked and it was him. He had called about 10 minutes earlier but didn't leave a message so I called him back. He answered with the typical "hello" and I said "you called?" He told me he didn't think he had (it was obvious he was out and drinking) and I told him it didn't just magically appear on my phone so then I asked him if he had anything to say to me about the weekend and he said no that he really didn't know what to tell me except that he was sorry and that he's an ass hole. He did say that at this point in his life he doesn't really want anything.

Now, if that were the case, WHY would he initiate this relationship? WHY would he pursue me?

I told him I was hurt that he didn't see my birthday as being important and he said it wasn't that and apologized again. Of course he said it was him and not me. Do I believe him? Not so much. I mean, obviously he's got issues with his unemployment, worker's comp case, the recent death of his mother, committment, etc. but come on... you're 32 years old... WTF?!

I didn't get to say a lot of stuff to him though. Like I said, he was out and he finally, I believe, hung up on me. When I realized the connection had been lost I called him back and he didn't answer.

Today, we had our holiday party for work and were allowed to leave afterwards. I had packed up the Christmas presents for him and his family in the morning and headed out there straight from the party unbeknownst to him. I pulled up and was terrified but relieved to see his car there so I got the presents and went up to the door and rang the bell. After a minute, when he didn't answer, I rang the bell again. Still no answer. So I called the house. No answer. I called the cell phone. No answer. At that point it was either ring the bell for the downstairs where is brother and sister-in-law live or camp out on the porch. Since it's freaking cold though I opted for the downstairs bell.

His brother answered and let me in though I didn't come any further into the house than right inside the door. I chatted with his brother for a few minutes and he said he didn't want to be involved (but he really looked like he felt bad for me). Of course, I told him that I wouldn't expect him or ask him to get involved. He didn't want to take the gifts from me but I finally said that there was a chance AIM would not want to speak with me again before Christmas so "please," I asked, "I'd really like to leave the gifts here." He told me I shouldn't have and I told him I knew but then I explained that they were just a few little things that I liked for each of them. He put them upstairs and tried unsuccessfully to wake up AIM. Apparently, AIM was out very late and got very drunk and then he went with his brother to the cemetary this morning and when they got home AIM said he was going back to bed for a while.

So his brother suggested that I try coming back or calling later. At that point there wasn't anything I felt I could do so I left. I'm not going back out there tonight and I'm going to try really hard not to call.

On the way home, I called my girlfriend T and told her that I still think highly of him and she freaked on me and asked me how that was possible. My response was that this one thing, granted it's a really shitty thing, doesn't erase all of the nice things that he's done. Her answer was that this was a big thing.

I know she's right but I don't think I can totally rule him out. I certainly can't stay in a romantic relationship with him at this point but if he were to get his priorities in order and straighten up, then I think there'd be the possibility for something great. Does that make sense? Am I being too naive? I just don't get it.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

I'm With Glitter

Things here are good. I saw AIM last weekend, on Tuesday and then again this weekend. I opted against talking to him about the funk I'd been in... for the time being.

We went to a Christmas party last night hosted by his next door neighbors. At one point a lot of the women were outside by the fire while the men were inside around the bar and here's what the hostess said to me, verbatim, "I know I'm really, really drunk right now but I know exactly what I'm saying. Okay? Really, I'm serious. I mean what I'm going to tell you. In the four years that I've been living here and have known AIM, I have to say that you are the best thing to happen to him and he really likes you. I really hope things work out with you."

But anyway, even though things with us are going well, I'm with Glitter on the whole turning 30 thing that happens next week. EEK. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure why I'm so afraid of it. Everyone I know that is older than me tells me that things got better for them after 30. I can only hope that the same happens for me!