Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Friday, January 20, 2006

Reaching Out

I know I've been terrible about keeping up with my own blog and, in truth, I've been even worse about keeping up with the ones that I've linked to and used to read daily. However, I was trying to catch up the other day and was struck by what Amy had posted.

Excerpt: Sometimes I just don't want to talk...I want to be silent and I want people to not look at what I am doing or typing or watching and say "What's that?"....grrrr.

I know exactly what you're talking about Amy! I live with my folks and this is one of my biggest problems with my mother. She'll either just watch me do things or she'll talk to me, say first thing in the morning, when she knows (because this used to be a daily ritual) that I don't want to talk in the mornings. I just want to be left alone for crying out loud.

Unfortunately, at times, I just want to be alone period. Well, okay. Not exactly. It's hard to explain but sometimes I need a break from everyone I know. It's not that I ever really want to be alone. Usually, it's that the person/people I want to be with don't want to or can't be with me and therefore I punish everyone else. Hmmm... I think I just had an epiphany. I've never really looked at it quite that way but it's true. Wow. I suck. Sorry for doing that to all of you.

Anyway, I know that in the past Amy has expressed some of the feelings I have about our lives in a way that makes it seem like she's reading my mind. I'm working on being happy with me and with my life but I get sidetracked sometimes when I see how happy other people are or how lucky some people seem to be. I get frustrated and wonder "why not me?".

But that brings me to one final comment... I want to thank RG for her comment to the quote I posted the other day. You are so right. There is a lot of love in my life now but I guess I needed the reminder.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Stress Much?

For the last few nights, I've been starting to doze in front of the TV about 10-15 minutes before I'm ready to go to bed. So, I wind up missing the end of whatever program I'm watching and when I get into bed, I'm wide awake. Seriously, I have been having such a hard time falling asleep the last few nights. And then, I've been waking up before my alarm clock in the morning.

At work we're moving people around and still trying to do what we normally do so that's a little stressful. At home there's all kinds of stress. Dad had surgery between Christmas and New Years so it's up to mom and I to change the dressing for the wound every day. Well, in all honesty, I haven't done it since they like to change it in the morning. Still, I worry. The one day I saw mom change the dressing (after she'd been doing it for almost a week on her own) she was so insecure and sort of flipping out and having all kinds of problems. I worry that she's going to do something wrong or not pack the wound enough and that it's not going to heal quick enough or well enough to avoid another surgery. Then there's her health. This is a big issue with me, which is part of the reason why I have never spoken about it on here before. Suffice it to say that she is an obese smoker. My AJ (dog, for those of you who are new or don't remember) is doing better but has a hot spot on her head behind her ear that, when she scratches, is pretty gross to look at. So I've been tending to that. As if that weren't all enough, I've got an infection that I just can't kick. Well, I did get rid of it but then I went back to the doctor for an additional checkup a few weeks later and it was back.

I haven't spoken to AIM since last week either. He called me last Wednesday to see if I wanted to get together over the weekend. A friend of his was going to be here from upstate and AIM wanted to know if I wanted to join them. He said he'd call me when he knew what the plans were. He didn't call. I spoke to him online on Saturday and Sunday and he didn't say anything about it. Neither did I. I ended up going out on Friday and not calling him. He said he'd call me afterall. On Sunday when I spoke to him online, I asked him a question and when he didn't respond after 10 minutes, I signed off. I haven't spoken to him since. I need to let go and move on but, obviously, I'm having difficulty doing that and I'm not sure why.

To change the pace of this post a bit, we had snow over the weekend and I was able to wear the beautiful scarf and hat that Mary knitted for me for Christmas. She did such a great job on it that I just had to share.

Anyway, I just want to share this little saying that I saw on the charm of a bracelet yesterday:

"To be rich in love is to be rich in life."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Blah Blah Blah

Today was a busy day and while nothing all that interesting happened, I feel like I need to get something out of my system, I'm just not quite sure what. So, if you want to tune out now, feel free, if you want to keep reading, I hope I figure it out by the time I'm done writing!

Yesterday my office was closed for the holiday which was nice. I spent the day with my friend Lisa. We hung out at her apartment for a while, went out to lunch and then wound up back at her place where we watched Must Love Dogs with Diane Lane and John Cusack. After I got home, I did laundry and just took it easy. Of course, since I had to be up and out of the house early this morning I had trouble falling asleep. It figures.

Luckily, I heard my alarm this morning and managed to get out and on the road on time. I got on the expressway and it was smooth sailing for about two exits. Then we slowed to a crawl. I leave myself plenty of time so it wasn't as if I was worried about being late, I was just annoyed at having to move so slow. Turns out, there had been an accident in the left lane a ways up. Once I got past that it was smooth sailing again. Just as I was coming to my exit I noticed a car fire on the shoulder of the opposite side of the road. It was blazing. Since it wasn't my car and it appeared that the driver was a safe distance away from the car, I don't feel so bad saying that it was kind of cool to see. I must be spending too much time with firemen!

Anyway, every two months the Board of Directors of the agency I work for meet and I always have to be there to take the minutes. I don't mind, since it's the one of the few times I'm actually out of the office. We started late and within about a half hour of starting the president announced they needed to go into executive session, meaning that non-board members were excused.

Okay, so again, I didn't really mind. I recently got the new Nickelback CD and have been listening to it non-stop in the car so I was excited to get back to that. My ride back to work was peaceful and nearly pleasant. Then I walked into the office.

The agency recently hired about 7 new people at one time. Four of these people are based in the same office as me, which is not a problem except that my office has never (at least in my 2-plus years there) held so many people. So we've been moving these people from their current office to what used to be our conference room. New furniture was bought and the room is really starting to look nice.

But back to me, I walked in and didn't even have my coat off before people were demanding things and begging for my help and whining about things, etc. I suppose I should feel good that I was apparently needed but they just annoyed me to no end this morning! We were down two phone lines when I arrived and no one could access the internet or the server. I guess they were all just stressed out and venting while simultaneously trying to fill me in on the morning's events but I felt like they wanted me to fix it (and since our tech person was there and couldn't fix it, there was no way I was going to be able to do anything).

Things finally quieted down when they all left to run their programs. That's when my supervisor and I started moving the computers from the old office to the new office. I spent some time crawling around on the floor and untangling wires and cords as well as carrying computers to their new homes. No biggie. I honestly don't mind doing that kind of stuff once in a while. I just would have preferred being dressed down a bit more but what can you do?!

Anyway, I got to leave early because my Executive Director wanted me to go to the post office for her so that wasn't so bad. Although, technically, since I started early this morning, I should have left early.

I think I'm just feeling kind of frustrated with things lately. I really need to get my shit in order.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Slowing Things Down

I've been postponing this entry for a while now but I suppose now is as good a time as any to get to the heart of it.

About two days after I left the Christmas gifts at AIM's house, he e-mailed me saying that he had only a vague recollection of speaking to me but that he didn't remember any of the conversation, he was sorry, that he couldn't accept my gifts and that he'd like to call me that night. I replied by simply saying that I'd rather speak to him in person and that I was only working a half day on Friday, I could come to his house or meet him somewhere then. However, on Friday morning, I remembered it was my mother's birthday so I e-mailed him telling him as much and suggesting that we get together after the holiday.

He instant messaged me on Christmas Eve and wished me a Merry Christmas. I was sort of distant because I didn't want to get into it online but I reminded him that I was off the following week. He said he remembered and that he'd call me early in the week, which he did do.

I was happy that when he called I was at lunch with some friends and didn't hear the phone. When I saw he called though, I called back told him I was with friends and that I'd call him to let him know when I was on my way.

I spent somewhere in between 4 and 5 hours with him that afternoon/evening. Amazingly, I did most of the talking. (I suppose this is a testament to my growth over the last year.) I asked him if he liked me and he said he, "really likes me a lot." I didn't question how he meant that because at this point, I don't think it really matters. One thing I told him was that it's not him I dislike, but it is his behavior. He looked like there was so much that he had to say but, unfortunately, he didn't say much.

He didn't seem eager for me to leave and when I said I was leaving, he asked if I'd like to get dinner with him first. Since I had planned to just grab something fast on the way home anyway, I said sure. (Not that it matters, but he paid.)

Anyway, since then I've talked to him a lot. He called me the next day and the day after that and said he'd call me on New Year's Eve but that it would be late. I was a little disappointed that when 1 am rolled around, he still hadn't called but I was having a good time with some friends and was determined not to dwell on it. At 8:30 on New Year's morning, he called me and apologized for calling so late (he had just gotten home). So the bastard wakes me up and then falls asleep on me and starts snoring in my ear!

Since then we've chatted online a few times and for all but one of those times, he was the one to initiate the conversation.

I have to admit that I'm pretty pleased with myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad that things didn't work out with him because I really did like him but I'm trying to focus on me now. The new year is here and there's no better time to work on making me happy. I'm going back to the gym today, am going to start drawing again and am going to actually make a budget plan to name a few things.

We'll see what happens now.