Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Sucked In

As if I don't watch enough TV, I've been sucked into the black hole that is called American Idol. (It only took, what?, five seasons!) I watched only one night of the auditions and wasn't terribly impressed but on Tuesday, I watched the 12 remaining women sing. Some of them were really fabulous. One of them, a 16-year-old, sang a song called "I'm Changing" by Jennifer Holliday. I had never before heard of Jennifer Holliday or heard the song but it was amazing. So much so that I need to get it! I searched online for the lyrics (to post here) but wasn't able to find them.

Last night the men performed. I thought most of them were good but there was only one that I thought was great (last night) and that was Chris. What is it with me and bald men?!

Ummm, other than that there isn't too much going on here. Dad and AJ (the dog) both seem to be doing better and therefore I am still heading off to Florida tomorrow. I spoke with AIM today to make sure that he was still able to drop me at the airport. Thumbs up.

The only other thing of interest, to me anyway, is that I have updated my MySpace page. I think it looks pretty awesome with its blue background and pink highlights. I didn't want it to be quite as girly as this page! But one of these days, I'll try to figure out how to change this without losing everything!

Well, I probably will not have time to write while I am away but at least I've prepared you all for this by being so random with posting lately!!! Hope you all have a great week and I'll try to write and fill you in on my trip as soon as I get home!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Where To Start?

I'm at work right now. I got here about a half hour early so that I could just have some peace and quiet. I've been meaning to write for a few days, I just haven't seemed to get around to it but now that I have, you're in for it!

I'll start off first by saying that I have been feeling really good about myself for a little while. I can't say what I can attribute this to and frankly, I don't care too much. AIM is going to take me to the airport on Friday (btw, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days) and picking me up on Tuesday. When I first asked him I thought it would be great because I could get a kiss good-bye and maybe a little something more to welcome me home. Instead, I think I'm going to end our sexual relationship. He's out there looking for something (I found a personal ad of his online that said it's been active recently) though I admit I'm not sure what. I don't regret what's happened between us but I think I am strong enough to say that I'm not cool with just being another notch on his belt. I want more than he is willing and/or able to give so it's going to have to be his loss. (Wish me luck that I am able to be strong enough to voice this when I see him.)

In other happenings in my life, last night was a bad night all around. My dad took a shower last night but when he was done there was a lot of bleeding from his wound. It was pretty scary to see how much blood. Maybe I watch too many crime shows on TV but the bathroom looked like a murder scene, there was that much blood all over the floor. Mom changed the dressing on the wound and I cleaned the bathroom and all was well with the exception that my father was terribly embarrassed to have had me see him that way.

As if that didn't make the evening exciting enough, the dog had another seizure at 2:00 this morning. It was a short one but she was out of it afterwards for a little longer than she has been in the past. She seems to be back to normal today though.

Between the two of them, I am a little hesitant to take this trip to Florida but I need it so much now.

On one interesting note, my boss asked me yesterday what it was that I would be doing if I wasn't worrying about my family. Hmmm, good question. One that I have yet to be able to answer.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day! (Okay, to those of my friends who, like me, are single... Happy Tuesday). I am currently at work and by myself. Everyone else left by 2:30 so since I'm feeling a bit bored, I figured I'd catch up with my blogging community! I didn't make it far. Mary's page was the first I made it to and she had tagged me for a meme. After I posted that I remembered that today is Valentine's Day and it's sort of fitting that I'm at work, alone, with a package of Oreos open in front of me! (Honestly though, I only had a few and then sealed the bag back up!)

Considering that AIM and I are not a couple any longer, I'm doing pretty damn good today. I was afraid that I'd be depressed and bitchy all day but I've been good. Really. Maybe it's because I saw him this past weekend and we had great sex. Maybe it's because I'm chalking it up to fun and am starting to let go. Nahhhh. It's gotta be the sex! Either way, I'm not complaining. I had a really good time with him this weekend.

He called me as I was walking in the door Friday after work. He said he was going out to dinner with one of his friends and then they were going to the bar. He asked if I wanted to join them and I said sure. He picked me up at his house a few hours later and the three of us went to the bar where a bunch of his other friends ended up joining us.

During the evening a few funny things happened. The first was with his friend A. I was sitting at the bar, A was to my right and to her right were two girls making out with each other. A, not one to hold back, asks them (while they're going at it) if they're lesbians. Well, that just set the one girl off. I can understand why she would have been shocked at the question but she acted offended, which I don't get since they were in a straight bar. Both of the girls were ready to try to take on A (and trust me, NEITHER of them would have stood a chance) but she never got up, or put down her drink. Someone managed to usher the angry lesbians out without a physical altercation ensuing.

The other funny thing was one of AIM's other friends, a male, asking me if AIM and I were still dating. I said no and he asked why. I told him he'd have to ask his friend for that answer. He proceeded to tell me what a wonderful guy AIM is. I cut him off by saying that overall, I think that AIM is wonderful, but that he needs to be smacked around sometimes. Do you know what he said to me? "All of us men need that sometimes." Duh. No shit.

So I leave for Florida a week from Friday. I am going down for my grandmother's 90th birthday. I leave NY on Friday afternoon and arrive home late on Tuesday night. It'll be good to see my family and I'm excited that my grandmother doesn't know anything about her party or that I'm going to be there.

Well, that's it for me for now. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Another List...

Well, I don't really like posting two lists in a row but since I don't really have anything else to post...


Four jobs I've had:
1. sales clerk at local pharmacy
2. data entry clerk at pharmaceutical warehouse
3. Associate Editor of three different trade mags (2 hotel related, 1 housewares related)
4. Administrative Assistant at a non-profit youth services agency

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Can't Hardly Wait
2. A Walk to Remember
3. Pretty Woman
4. Fried Green Tomatoes

Four places I've lived:
1. Reisterstown, MD
2. Medford, NY
3. Murfreesboro, NC
4. To Be Determined

Four TV shows I love:
1. Law and Order: SVU
2. NCIS
3. Extreme Makeover Home Edition
4. Wheel of Fortune

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Bar Harbor, ME
2. a cruise ship in the Bahamas
3. Florida
4. California

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Burgers
2. Mexican (pretty much anything)
3. Mom's ziti
4. Mom's stuffing

Four sites I visit daily:
1. MySpace
2. AOL
3. NY Newsday
4. Blogger (I try)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. at the track walking (too bad it's too cold)
2. at the gym
3. drawing at my new drawing table
4. in the arms of a man that loves me and thinks his life is better for having me in it

Four bloggers I am tagging:
1. Lonna
2. Patrice
3. Jen
4. Amy

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

For Lack of Anything Better To Post

TEN random things you might not know about me.
1. I have shot a gun
2. I love to draw though I don’t do so often
3. I’ve had my gall bladder removed
4. I keep a blog
5. Despite my fear of heights, I want to go up in a hotair balloon
6. Instead of yelling when I get angry/upset, I usually cry
7. I always try to see the good in people
8. I tried my first diet when I was 8 years old
9. I have seriously considering getting a pistol permit
10. I’ve grown a lot in the last year but I’ve still got quite a way to go

NINE places I’ve visited
1. California—Moor-Park, Chatsworth, Long Beach, Anaheim, San Francisco
2. Virginia—Newport News, Williamsburg, Reston, Vienna, Berryville
3. Washington, DC and Seattle, WA
4. Florida—Miami, Tampa, Orlando
5. Maine—Portland, Orono, Bar Harbor, Mt. Desert Island, Fort Kent
6. Pennsylvania—Bethlehem, Philadelphia
7. Texas—Pampa and/or Corpus Christie
8. South Carolina—Myrtle Beach
9. North Carolina—Raleigh, Charlotte, Murfreesboro, Rocky Mount, Ahoskie

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1. Surprises like hidden notes, a single flower, random phone calls, etc.
2. Be affectionate
3. Be respectful
4. Listen to me… I mean really listen to me
5. Do what you say you are going to do
6. Talk to me… I mean really talk to me
7. Never go to bed mad… no matter what kiss me good-night
8. Be honest with me

SEVEN things I want to do before I die
1. Ride in a hot air balloon
2. Get married
3. Have kids
4. Own a home
5. Reach my goal weight
6. Learn to bellydance
7. Travel the U.S.

SIX things I’m afraid of
1. Heights
2. Being alone
3. Change
4. Hurting people
5. Not knowning myself as well as I should
6. Pain

FIVE things I don't like
1. Mushrooms
2. Liars
3. Beer
4. Lima beans
5. Arrogance

FOUR ways to turn me off
1. Lie
2. Cheat
3. Be rude
4. Be hurtful

THREE Things I do everyday
1. Check e-mail
2. Eat
3. Think about organizing my things and my life better

TWO things that make me happy
1. Playing with my dog
2. Being with who I care about

ONE thing on my mind right now
1. Nope, there’s lots of stuff on my mind right now

Monday, February 06, 2006

Drawing A Blank

Okay, first and foremost, I have to admit that I'm at work right now. It's very quiet and I'm pretty bored. I had a great idea that I was going to write about here but now that I've got the window open, the idea escapes me. So forgive me, but I'm just going to ramble on...

I posted a bulletin on my MySpace account asking my friends to give me a sentence or two about what they think of me. I asked for strong points, weak points and assets. Three people have responded so far. So why did I this you might wonder? Because I thought it would be interesting to see myself through other people's eyes. It goes back to what I posted here about being my own biggest roadblock. I think people see me in one way but they may not. So, we'll see what happens. (MySpace was a good forum for me to do this because most of my friends on there are people that I do actually know in real life. However, the thought just occurred to me that many of you know me also, just not in the face-to-face way. As a matter of fact, there's a pretty damn good chance that you all know me better than some of those that do know me face-to-face. So, if you feel like humoring me... go ahead and give it to me!)

On a slightly humorous note, since I have enough trouble keeping up this blog, I've been thinking about starting one on MySpace. If I do, it'll be different content than this blog as AIM is one of my MySpace friends and those of you who have been reading me since the beginning remember what a disaster it was when my previous ex read my rantings! Anyway, I'm contemplating the idea but like I said, I don't regularly update this blog so who knows?

Moving on... a while back I posted that I was going to work on me. I think I mentioned that I wanted to save up as much money as possible and lose a lot of weight. The money part is working in my favor so far. Not that I'm saving a lot but the day after I got paid for doing the t-shirt show last weekend, I put the money into my savings account. I'm also trying to spend less money on lunch during the week and am trying to hit the ATM less frequently as well (though when I do I only go to ones that don't charge a fee).

On the weight management side of things, I had started out strong. I've been thrown off by the strep throat and cold though. I think I'll give myself the rest of this week to recuperate and then try to get back on track next Monday. While I would love to lose 30-50 pounds by the time I have to order my dress for Mary's wedding, I know that is not an especially realistic or healthy goal. So, I've compromised with myself to aim for 25 pounds by July 1. It'll be easier when the weather finally shapes up and I can hit the gym and the track both in the same day. In the meantime, I have got to start cutting back on the junk food that I love so much.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Overwhelmed

I am not quite sure where to start except to say that I am overwhelmed right now. I've been sick this week and have started and finished three books in that time. Tales from the Scale by Erin Shea, You Have to Kiss a lot of Frogs by Laurie Graff and The Next Big Thing by Johanna Edwards.

Tales from the Scale, as you might guess is a look at the battle of a few women who are trying to lose weight and find themselves. You Have to Kiss a lot of Frogs, offers up some really funny, touching and infuriating stories of some of the men in the author's life. The Next Big Thing is about a woman who goes on a weight loss reality show where she winds up learning a lot about herself.

Sense a theme here? Want to know what my big epiphany was? I finally realized that I'M the one that's holding me back. My very own perception of myself is what is crippling me. What I think other people think is not what they really do think (not always anyway).

I was thinking, when I wasn't reading this week, about how much fun I was starting to have with AIM. (Maybe that is a part of the reason why I can't seem to freaking let go and move forward!) I know that while I was dating him I felt beautiful whenever I was around him. Now, it's not that I think I'm ugly, it's just that I really felt beautiful with him and that gave me a little boost of confidence. I thought he did this for me but what I've realized is that knowing him has helped to bring it out in me but it was always there, maybe just always hiding under layers and layers of fat and fear.

Basically, what I've realized is that my life is not going to be perfect when (if) I lose another 50 pounds. It's not going to fix itself because I date a great guy or fall apart if I don't. I have to stop waiting for life to happen because while I'm doing that I'm missing out on so much.