Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Overwhelmed

I am not quite sure where to start except to say that I am overwhelmed right now. I've been sick this week and have started and finished three books in that time. Tales from the Scale by Erin Shea, You Have to Kiss a lot of Frogs by Laurie Graff and The Next Big Thing by Johanna Edwards.

Tales from the Scale, as you might guess is a look at the battle of a few women who are trying to lose weight and find themselves. You Have to Kiss a lot of Frogs, offers up some really funny, touching and infuriating stories of some of the men in the author's life. The Next Big Thing is about a woman who goes on a weight loss reality show where she winds up learning a lot about herself.

Sense a theme here? Want to know what my big epiphany was? I finally realized that I'M the one that's holding me back. My very own perception of myself is what is crippling me. What I think other people think is not what they really do think (not always anyway).

I was thinking, when I wasn't reading this week, about how much fun I was starting to have with AIM. (Maybe that is a part of the reason why I can't seem to freaking let go and move forward!) I know that while I was dating him I felt beautiful whenever I was around him. Now, it's not that I think I'm ugly, it's just that I really felt beautiful with him and that gave me a little boost of confidence. I thought he did this for me but what I've realized is that knowing him has helped to bring it out in me but it was always there, maybe just always hiding under layers and layers of fat and fear.

Basically, what I've realized is that my life is not going to be perfect when (if) I lose another 50 pounds. It's not going to fix itself because I date a great guy or fall apart if I don't. I have to stop waiting for life to happen because while I'm doing that I'm missing out on so much.

3 Comments:

  • At 2/05/2006 3:00 PM, Blogger Jen said…

    What an epiphany! Glad to hear you are doing okay- your posts are so few and far between lately and I miss reading them.

    Don't freak out if you go to my site and it is not there, my server experienced a hard drive crash and they will be restoring it. Eventually :)

     
  • At 2/06/2006 10:38 AM, Blogger patrice said…

    yay! I agree with everything you said. and I bet when you find yourself and like yourself, the men will come flocking. (they love that confidence, and it's not something you can fake.)

    good for you. I'm rooting for ya.

     
  • At 2/06/2006 11:26 AM, Blogger ramblin' girl said…

    life is never perfect... just try to love what it is! happy to hear you're heading in the right direction!!

     

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