Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

It's Going To Be Tough

I sounded strong in my last entry, don't you think?

Shortly after I posted it, AIM started Instant Messaging me as if everything were perfectly normal and nothing was mentioned about Monday. I talked to him for a while but I was cool. I was nowhere near as friendly as I usually am with him.

Even though I managed to be cool towards him, I realized how difficult it's going to be to stick to my guns. Especially if he acts affectionate towards me. I think it might be best to keep our time together to a minimum.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I Feel Like A Bad Soap Opera

I feel all kinds of stupid drama and quite honestly, feel kind of like an idiot writing about a lot of this stuff. Not only that but I feel like I have multiple personalities. I show one here, one on MySpace and one in real life. I feel for those of you that know me all three ways!

Today, while I was bored at work, I found this article and I wanted to share as it helped with my process of enlightenment:

Make the best of your breakup
By Elsa Simcik

It's been two months since my friend Lauren's boyfriend, Chris, broke up with her. Sure, she sulked for awhile, even got into the ice cream a bit. But now that she's ready to move on (which she proved by taking down her dart-infested photo of Chris off her wall), she's setting some new standards.

You see, Lauren's using her breakup as a learning experience. After all, why make that year with Chris all for nothing? "I refuse to let a failure go without squeezing out an answer from it," says Greg Behrendt, co-author of It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. And you can (and should!) do the same. Here, some post-breakup questions to ask that can make your broken heart much smarter.

What did I like about him?

Now, don't turn this into a sap-fest, but just consider the traits that drew you to him in the first place and realize which ones you still value. "Even though it didn't work out between my ex-boyfriend and me - he never wanted to get married, I did - I loved how he was such a gentleman, always opening my door and standing up when I left the table," admits Chelsea Fredrickson, 28, of Nashville. So now Chelsea can put 'chivalry' down as a requirement for her new guy.

What didn't I like about him?

Grab a couple of girlfriends for this one. "They'll welcome that conversation," says Behrendt. Was he possessive? Arrogant? A cheese snob? Once you identify traits that turn you off, you can nip the next relationship in the bud before you spend another year with someone who says things like, "Sliced cheese" Puh-lease!? Seriously: If you bought a car without power steering, you'd never make that mistake again. What didn't I like about me with him? Behrendt recommends that you 'go back and look at the whole thing and try to see it as it is.' [Ask yourself], "What was my part?" Maybe he was demeaning, but your part was that you put up with it. So as long as you have your friends over for the boyfriend-bashing game, go ahead and ask them if you changed when you were with him. Were you a bit of a snob when you were together? Too eager to please him? Too busy with your guy to do your best at work? Once you figure out your mistakes, you can say, "Never again!"

How did my relationship with him affect other relationships?

Did you abandon your friends once he came into your life? And when you broke up, did you call them and ask, "So where are we going tonight?" as if you'd hung out with them the whole time? Oops. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in relationships we push our other priorities down the list, including our friends and families. "My family didn't like my boyfriend (and now I see why), so I didn't attend Thanksgiving at their house for two years in a row," admits Tina Sauer, 26, of Pittsburgh. Now's a good time to take stock and vow not to go down that path in your next relationship.

What would I do differently?

Everybody knows that "what ifs" can consume you, and if you're not over the breakup yet, you should hold off on this exercise. But if you're ready, thinking about what you would have done differently could be an enlightening experience."

"I dated a guy for three years and there was always drama," says Christine Finke, 33, of Houston, "He would pick fights for no reason. But I would never break up with him because I was scared of being alone. After he finally broke up with me, I realized I should have done it a long time ago." Now that Christine's free of her drama king, she's vowed that she'll never stay in a contaminated relationship just for the sake of having a boyfriend: "I'm so much happier now. I could have been this happy a year ago if I had spoken up!" she admits. Understanding that you can play a more active role in how relationships unfold is a lesson definitely worth learning.

The power of perspective

Asking and answering these questions can be one powerful tool. Behrendt says, "When you look back at the relationship and you have some clarity, you may realize there were maybe five things you liked about the person and 15 things you didn't like at all."

Plus, you may notice that there were always some clues. Behrendt says to ask yourself, "What were the things they said at the beginning?" For instance, if you were with the "I'm-not-so-sure-about-this-marriage-idea" guy before, you know that being a "Well-maybe-I-can-change-his-mind" girl doesn't work.

It's up to you: Your breakup can be excruciating or educational. But, really, listing everything that was wrong with your ex-boyfriend (and learning from it) sounds so much more appealing than listening to another encore of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." Don't you agree?

Elsa Simcik is a freelance writer in Dallas, TX. Besides MSN.com Dating and Personals, Elsa has contributed to Women's Health & Fitness, Men's Edge and For Me magazine.

How does this relate to me?

I have decided that AIM and I can no longer do the "friends with benefits" thing. He doesn't know it yet, nor do I plan on telling him with words. I plan on showing him with actions. There will be no more nookie. And I have to say that this is HUGE for me because I really enjoy the nookie with him.

Last night I finished reading Why Men Marry Bitches. It was a great book. I found myself cringing at some of the things I've done and patting myself on the back for others. Maybe it was reading this book and maybe it was that coupled with this inevitable buildup of frustration that brought about this decision.

What it boils down to is that I care for him but I care for myself too. I am not interested in casual sex without strings (aka a relationship that isn't going anywhere). I got caught up hoping that he'd change his mind again and want a relationship but I've accepted that this is probably not going to happen, at least not as long as I don't carry on with my own life and see what is out there.

My ex used to always tell me that there were better jobs out there with better benefits etc. I found out he was right and am going to apply that same theory to my love life.

So, if it's meant to be with AIM then he will come around and it will be. If not, I still have a friend... for now at least. I recently got an email that people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime. At the moment, I hope he's in my life for the long haul but time will tell me that.

In the meantime, I think I'm going to take another break from men. I want to focus on my exercise, on what is going on at home and on having some fun. I'll see what happens.

The strange thing is that I feel more confident these days. I'm not sure why but I'm not questioning it!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Good-Bye Fat Ass!

Step One on the road to kissing my fat ass good-bye has been accomplished!

Not only have I switched from 2% milk to SkimPlus, I cut down on the amount of cereal I had at breakfast this morning, got a salad with considerably fewer goodies on/in it than usual, got a PowerBar for a snack and had - in a moment of weakness - only one chocolate chip cookie, half coated in chocolate. Then I even got my rear end into my workout clothes, over to the gym and exercised!

I feel good. I mean, I'm tired and have a headache. And I'm slightly nauseous from all the water I drank today but otherwise I feel really good.

Oh!!! And I ordered a new workout DVD collection. If a sucker is born every day, then I was born today. But at least I didn't say I wanted the free weight loss supplement that I had to pay for.

So, I'm not sure, maybe I'm just fed up or maybe this book - Why Men Marry Bitches - is helping me out. I feel more confident. Don't get me wrong, I'm still irritated that AIM still hasn't called or even emailed me to apologize for not calling me back yesterday but I'm taking a step back. For example, he is online right now but I have my away message on and I don't plan on taking it off before I sign off. Vindictive? Yes. Childish? Yes. Validated? Hell yea.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Blah Blah Blah

Well, there's not a whole lot going on here. I took a half day from work because I had a doctor's appointment. It was nothing big, just a routine checkup. Now, originally, for some reason, I thought my appointment was for 2 even though I wrote down 3. I called this morning and confirmed that it was for 3.

I left work at 1 and called one of my closest friends who works near my doctor's office and got her to meet me for lunch. It was a short visit but good. When she headed back to work, I headed to the doctor figuring that if I arrived early, hopefully they'd see me early.

They took me into the room about 25 minutes before my scheduled time and I thought this was great. Blood pressure - good. Weight - not so good, but not so bad either. With everything that's been going on this year I either don't have the time to exercise or if I have the time I don't have the energy. At my weight loss peak I was down 49.5 pounds. I have gained 20 pounds back. I'm not happy but I'm regaining my focus and planning to work it off again. And, honestly, I was afraid I had gained more back.

The room I was in was small and the AC was cranking. Here I sat sans pants under a paper sheet for 20 minutes. The doctor finally comes in, does a two minute exam and tells me to have a good day! Talk about frustrating!

Originally I had planned to try to get together with AIM tonight so when I left the doctor I called him. I didn't get an answer so I left messages at home and on the cell. I still haven't heard from him. The thing is that I'm not freaking out about this. He had an MRI today and when we spoke last night, I said if he was up to it, I'd come visit for a while. So I'm sure that he is probably drugged up and asleep. At least, I hope that's what it is and that it's nothing more serious.

Turned out though that it wasn't a big deal. My doctor's office is near the hospital my dad is in so I went and hung out with him for a few hours.

Nothing too interesting but that was my day and I felt like sharing!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Bizarre

This morning I had a message from A online that, summed up, said she and T ditched another one of our friends also and that she (A) had a bad night, which she would tell me about later.

I responded that I was frustrated with the evening because I wanted to go out but that the waiting is what gets me. I also told her that by the time I got her last message I had only just finished dinner (completely true, by the way) and that I had gotten involved in a bunch of things at home (true but I had abandoned all of those things for the night when I sat down to eat). I brushed it off as unimportant though I did let her know that it bothered me... even if it was only a subtle hint.

Is it wrong that I'm sort of glad she had a bad time? Although, I don't thik she had an overall bad night... I think her bad time revolves around a guy. We'll see I guess.

I feel a little better about it this morning. Now I'm doing laundry and running errands before going to visit dad.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Sometimes It's Easier Not Having Friends

Sometimes life is easier without friends. When I was in high school I had a group of friends that I spent virtually all of my time with. There was the core group which was extended when core members brought in others. It was a lot of fun. We would meet, usually at my house, every weekend and determine what the plan was for at least that night or day. One nice thing was that everyone had a say in what the plans would be.

After a while, when some people (myself included) went away to college while others stayed behind and when some of the core found serious relationships while others did not, things changed and the core broke up. Some of them I no longer speak to, some I speak to infrequently and others I speak to on a regular basis. Graduations, marriages, babies and relocations have all played a part in our dissipation as can only be expected (though at one point in my naivete I think I thought we'd be a core group forever).

Since that core group began to break up, my life has been through some dramatic changes, many of which you have been there to support me through.

I was excited to be introduced to some of the core members of AIM's life, especially when they seemed to embrace me. As I mentioned recently, I had started to develop a close relationship with a girl I will call "A". I recently used the word betrayal to describe my feelings about something I shared with her getting back to the people it concerned. I gave A the benefit of the doubt though, figuring that she didn't think it was something I would be shared and/or that she didn't think it would get back to AIM.

About a week ago A invited me to join her and T at an event tonight. I was honest with her when I said that my dad might be released from the hospital today and therefore I may be needed at home. All week I kept her posted. I let her know that I didn't have any news from the doctors and apologized, letting her know that I felt bad for not being able to give her an answer. I told her I don't like keeping people hanging and she said it was okay, she understood. This morning, I informed her that my dad was not in fact going to be discharged today and that I would be joining her and T.

I was looking forward to a night out with the girls where I didn't have to be out of the house the next morning at 7 and was even more excited when I found out that AIM might be going to the same event. During the day A told me that she and T were going out to dinner first (A was off today, I'm not sure about T) but that she'd let me know what time they planned to get to the event. This was fine with me as I work a fair distance from them and had to come home first to feed and walk the dog. Also during the day I learned that AIM had changed his plans and would not be attending the same function. I was disappointed but wasn't about to back out.

A had informed me this morning that she and T planned to be at the event by 6 tonight. I wound up getting out of work an hour early but would have still only been able to meet them around 6:30.

Here's the back and forth (cell phone text messaging) between A and myself:

From A @ 4:59: Change of plans. We aren't going.
From Me @ 5:00: Oh.

From A @ 5:01: Gonna go out in [your area] somewhere. U wanna come?
Called A's cell phone @ 5:02 and left a voicemail.
From Me @ 5:34: Call me and let me know what's going on.

From A @ 6:15: I was in shower. Not sure yet. On my way to [T's]. I'll let you know.

From A @ 8:40: We are at [bar] in [town]
From Me @ 8:52: Got involved with stuff. Have fun, "hi" to everyone, talk to you later. :-)

Maybe I'm being too freaking sensitive... because we know that is totally possible... but it felt like they didn't want me to hang out. I mean... you were in the shower for an hour and a half? Come on. And wouldn't it have been better had she contacted me in between 6:15 and 8:40 and said something like, "this is where we're thinking of going. Want to meet us there? Or meet us at T's?"

Anyway, I'm sort of upset about this because I feel stupid and because I didn't visit my dad today because I made these plans. I feel like a jerk for multiple reasons. At least if you don' t have friends you don't have to worry about this sort of stuff. I know this is a little dramatic but I needed to vent and maybe get some other people's opinions.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Dieting Dilemmas

Remember last summer? Remember how good I was doing with the gym and walking and losing weight and feeling good? I do too.

I haven't had the time to do that kind of stuff these last few months. I know some die hard exercise junkies would say that I just didn't make the time. That I could have woken up early to go before work, or brought lunch to work so that my hour break could be spent walking or working out, etc. and I suppose to some extent this is true.

Regardless, I've been feeling fat. My clothes still fit so if I've gained anything back it hasn't been too much. Still, I was doing SO good for a while. Point being, I've decided that I need to get back on track.

I had the bright idea that I needed something to give me a jumpstart when I saw an infomercial for something called the Hardcore Diet Pill. Well, I checked it out online and wasn't impressed. There was something hinky about it. Last night, I sat there watching an infomercial for an exercise video/DVD called Turbo Jam. It guarantees that you lose 10 pounds and 10 inches in your first week. It looks pretty crazy and I'm debating it. Of course, I didn't make it to see what the cost is but it was worth considering.

On Mondays, on my way to work, I stop at the grocery store for cereal and milk and I have breakfast at work. This morning, I detoured through the diet aisle and looked at the Dexatrim Max, something else I had seen the commercial for recently. You get 100 pills and take one tablet one to two times a day. Simple. I can do that. Then I look at the price. $24.00. It went right back on the shelf and I continued on with my original mission.

I suppose that anything worth having is worth paying for and had it been half that price, I would have made the purchase. But it seemed like an awful lot of money. So I have clothes here at work to work out in. Now I just need to get to the gym and/or walk.

In connection with my last post, is it wrong for me to put myself first for a change? I know I can do this but I need to focus... does that make me selfish?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Fear

I had a small epiphany today. Yes, I know that epiphanies are supposed to be big... but this is something that I've been running from for a while and finally I just let the idea sink in and I contemplated it for a while.

My fear is that I have a dark soul... that I am a horrible, selfish and rotten person at the core.

I try to be a good person and keep the feelings of others in mind. I try to consider the consequences of my actions prior to taking action. But I always feel like I hurt the people I care for or let them down.

Am I masquerading as a good person when in fact I'm not? Have I gotten so good at it that I don't know which I am anymore?

I've lived my life in fear. In fear of hurting or disappointing people, in fear of succeeding, in fear of failing, in fear of changing, just plain in fear. So much so that I haven't really lived.

Have I just announced to the world... or the few people that still read my blog anyway... the reason why I am a 30 year old college graduate who is single and living with my parents while working at a poor paying job? Hmmm...

I'm still here!!!!

Wow. It's been such a long time since I've been on here, even to check in with my friends, that I'm not quite sure where to start. I guess I'll start at home and work my way out.

Shortly after my cousins went back to Florida my dad wound up back in the hospital. It wasn't a long stay but it took a toll on all of us. He came home and things were looking good. My grandmother (his mother) and my aunt (his sister) came, from Florida, for a 10-day visit. At first I was a little insulted that they chose to stay in a hotel but it made the visit easier on everyone. It was a good visit. They did their best to support my mom emotionally and spend time with my dad. Three nights before they left, my dad had a bad night. The day was hard on him only in that he hadn't slept well and was beginning to feel a little down in the dumps. The following night was worse. When the nurse came to change the dressing she didn't like the way the wounds looked and he was running a fever. She suggested he go to the hospital and he did, however, he went to a different hospital.

Previously, he had been admitted at the local Veterans' Hospital. After his discharge he began being transported to his doctor's appointments via ambulette. The last time he came home from an appointment, there was another man in the ambulette who told him of a hospital that has a wound care center. We know the hospital and as it turns out, it's closer to home. He went to the emergency room a little over a week ago and they admitted him. It looks like he may be discharged on Friday and then would have to go back twice a week to the wound care center for treatment.

I've got my fingers crossed that these doctors are able to heal these wounds because his spirit is suffering.

In other news, I feel betrayed by a new friend. I met her through AIM (yes, he's still a part of my life). At first, I tried not to talk to her about my feelings for him but it became difficult not to and I felt I could trust her. About a month ago I confessed to her that I was curious if AIM had ever been involved with another one of their female friends. The other night on the phone, AIM told me that I should be careful what I say to her and when I was confused about why he would say this to me, he told me that this had gotten back to him. However, the way it got back to him was that I was worried that they had something going on... as in currently. I told him what I had actually said and thanked him for citing an example for me. I feel betrayed and know now that I need to hold back with this friend and that hurts me because it was good to talk to someone that knows AIM. It's great to get the opinions of people that don't know him but sometimes it's better to get the opinions of those that do.

Anyway, AIM was recently in a car accident. He was lucky. He got broadsided but walked away without major injuries. When I found out I was upset but it was late and I figured he'd have gotten pain medication and would be sleeping so I sent him a message online. He called me at work the next morning and after a few minutes he said he would call me later or I could call him. I did call but he was on his way out and said he'd call me later. As it turned out, we chatted online that night.

The next day we both worked. Me for the t-shirt people and him for the collectibles guy. When AIM walked in all I wanted to do was race over, throw my arms around him and hold him. I was afraid to hurt him though so I kept myself under control. I had gotten a little lawn ornament for him and had brought it to that show so I called him off to the side and gave it to him. He chuckled, said it was cute and that I was funny, thanked me and then leaned down and kissed me very sweetly in front of everyone. That's the first time he's kissed me in front of the people we work for though they all know that we dated for a while and still spend time together. Later on, it was slow at both of our booths so I walked over to him and we were just talking, flirting and enjoying each other's company. Out of the blue, he kissed me again... in front of everyone. He kissed me for a third time, in front of everyone, when he left. This particular show is the show where he first inquired about me last year. And, as it turns out, today is the one year anniversary of when we introduced ourselves to one another.

It seems strange that it's been a year. On one hand it seems like I just met him. I've been feeling very shy around him lately. On the other hand, it feels like I've known him forever.

When we spoke on the phone a few nights ago I made sort of a confession to him. I told him that I knew he knew that I care for him and find him special but that I'm not sure if he realizes how much I feel these things. I also told him that when I found out about his accident I did sort of panic because I got a glimpse of what my life would be like without him in it and I didn't like it. I also told him that I knew it was awkward for me to say this to him, that I wasn't intentionally putting him on the spot, but that I wanted him to know how I felt. He didn't offer up similar feelings (nor did I expect him to... or even want him to at that particular moment) but he also didn't all of a sudden have to get off the phone. We continued to talk for another hour and it was really nice.

Well, I have to get ready to visit dad so that's going to be all from me today. I'll try to be on here again this week!