Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Fear

I had a small epiphany today. Yes, I know that epiphanies are supposed to be big... but this is something that I've been running from for a while and finally I just let the idea sink in and I contemplated it for a while.

My fear is that I have a dark soul... that I am a horrible, selfish and rotten person at the core.

I try to be a good person and keep the feelings of others in mind. I try to consider the consequences of my actions prior to taking action. But I always feel like I hurt the people I care for or let them down.

Am I masquerading as a good person when in fact I'm not? Have I gotten so good at it that I don't know which I am anymore?

I've lived my life in fear. In fear of hurting or disappointing people, in fear of succeeding, in fear of failing, in fear of changing, just plain in fear. So much so that I haven't really lived.

Have I just announced to the world... or the few people that still read my blog anyway... the reason why I am a 30 year old college graduate who is single and living with my parents while working at a poor paying job? Hmmm...

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