Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Sunday, June 11, 2006

I'm still here!!!!

Wow. It's been such a long time since I've been on here, even to check in with my friends, that I'm not quite sure where to start. I guess I'll start at home and work my way out.

Shortly after my cousins went back to Florida my dad wound up back in the hospital. It wasn't a long stay but it took a toll on all of us. He came home and things were looking good. My grandmother (his mother) and my aunt (his sister) came, from Florida, for a 10-day visit. At first I was a little insulted that they chose to stay in a hotel but it made the visit easier on everyone. It was a good visit. They did their best to support my mom emotionally and spend time with my dad. Three nights before they left, my dad had a bad night. The day was hard on him only in that he hadn't slept well and was beginning to feel a little down in the dumps. The following night was worse. When the nurse came to change the dressing she didn't like the way the wounds looked and he was running a fever. She suggested he go to the hospital and he did, however, he went to a different hospital.

Previously, he had been admitted at the local Veterans' Hospital. After his discharge he began being transported to his doctor's appointments via ambulette. The last time he came home from an appointment, there was another man in the ambulette who told him of a hospital that has a wound care center. We know the hospital and as it turns out, it's closer to home. He went to the emergency room a little over a week ago and they admitted him. It looks like he may be discharged on Friday and then would have to go back twice a week to the wound care center for treatment.

I've got my fingers crossed that these doctors are able to heal these wounds because his spirit is suffering.

In other news, I feel betrayed by a new friend. I met her through AIM (yes, he's still a part of my life). At first, I tried not to talk to her about my feelings for him but it became difficult not to and I felt I could trust her. About a month ago I confessed to her that I was curious if AIM had ever been involved with another one of their female friends. The other night on the phone, AIM told me that I should be careful what I say to her and when I was confused about why he would say this to me, he told me that this had gotten back to him. However, the way it got back to him was that I was worried that they had something going on... as in currently. I told him what I had actually said and thanked him for citing an example for me. I feel betrayed and know now that I need to hold back with this friend and that hurts me because it was good to talk to someone that knows AIM. It's great to get the opinions of people that don't know him but sometimes it's better to get the opinions of those that do.

Anyway, AIM was recently in a car accident. He was lucky. He got broadsided but walked away without major injuries. When I found out I was upset but it was late and I figured he'd have gotten pain medication and would be sleeping so I sent him a message online. He called me at work the next morning and after a few minutes he said he would call me later or I could call him. I did call but he was on his way out and said he'd call me later. As it turned out, we chatted online that night.

The next day we both worked. Me for the t-shirt people and him for the collectibles guy. When AIM walked in all I wanted to do was race over, throw my arms around him and hold him. I was afraid to hurt him though so I kept myself under control. I had gotten a little lawn ornament for him and had brought it to that show so I called him off to the side and gave it to him. He chuckled, said it was cute and that I was funny, thanked me and then leaned down and kissed me very sweetly in front of everyone. That's the first time he's kissed me in front of the people we work for though they all know that we dated for a while and still spend time together. Later on, it was slow at both of our booths so I walked over to him and we were just talking, flirting and enjoying each other's company. Out of the blue, he kissed me again... in front of everyone. He kissed me for a third time, in front of everyone, when he left. This particular show is the show where he first inquired about me last year. And, as it turns out, today is the one year anniversary of when we introduced ourselves to one another.

It seems strange that it's been a year. On one hand it seems like I just met him. I've been feeling very shy around him lately. On the other hand, it feels like I've known him forever.

When we spoke on the phone a few nights ago I made sort of a confession to him. I told him that I knew he knew that I care for him and find him special but that I'm not sure if he realizes how much I feel these things. I also told him that when I found out about his accident I did sort of panic because I got a glimpse of what my life would be like without him in it and I didn't like it. I also told him that I knew it was awkward for me to say this to him, that I wasn't intentionally putting him on the spot, but that I wanted him to know how I felt. He didn't offer up similar feelings (nor did I expect him to... or even want him to at that particular moment) but he also didn't all of a sudden have to get off the phone. We continued to talk for another hour and it was really nice.

Well, I have to get ready to visit dad so that's going to be all from me today. I'll try to be on here again this week!

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