Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Friday, June 16, 2006

Sometimes It's Easier Not Having Friends

Sometimes life is easier without friends. When I was in high school I had a group of friends that I spent virtually all of my time with. There was the core group which was extended when core members brought in others. It was a lot of fun. We would meet, usually at my house, every weekend and determine what the plan was for at least that night or day. One nice thing was that everyone had a say in what the plans would be.

After a while, when some people (myself included) went away to college while others stayed behind and when some of the core found serious relationships while others did not, things changed and the core broke up. Some of them I no longer speak to, some I speak to infrequently and others I speak to on a regular basis. Graduations, marriages, babies and relocations have all played a part in our dissipation as can only be expected (though at one point in my naivete I think I thought we'd be a core group forever).

Since that core group began to break up, my life has been through some dramatic changes, many of which you have been there to support me through.

I was excited to be introduced to some of the core members of AIM's life, especially when they seemed to embrace me. As I mentioned recently, I had started to develop a close relationship with a girl I will call "A". I recently used the word betrayal to describe my feelings about something I shared with her getting back to the people it concerned. I gave A the benefit of the doubt though, figuring that she didn't think it was something I would be shared and/or that she didn't think it would get back to AIM.

About a week ago A invited me to join her and T at an event tonight. I was honest with her when I said that my dad might be released from the hospital today and therefore I may be needed at home. All week I kept her posted. I let her know that I didn't have any news from the doctors and apologized, letting her know that I felt bad for not being able to give her an answer. I told her I don't like keeping people hanging and she said it was okay, she understood. This morning, I informed her that my dad was not in fact going to be discharged today and that I would be joining her and T.

I was looking forward to a night out with the girls where I didn't have to be out of the house the next morning at 7 and was even more excited when I found out that AIM might be going to the same event. During the day A told me that she and T were going out to dinner first (A was off today, I'm not sure about T) but that she'd let me know what time they planned to get to the event. This was fine with me as I work a fair distance from them and had to come home first to feed and walk the dog. Also during the day I learned that AIM had changed his plans and would not be attending the same function. I was disappointed but wasn't about to back out.

A had informed me this morning that she and T planned to be at the event by 6 tonight. I wound up getting out of work an hour early but would have still only been able to meet them around 6:30.

Here's the back and forth (cell phone text messaging) between A and myself:

From A @ 4:59: Change of plans. We aren't going.
From Me @ 5:00: Oh.

From A @ 5:01: Gonna go out in [your area] somewhere. U wanna come?
Called A's cell phone @ 5:02 and left a voicemail.
From Me @ 5:34: Call me and let me know what's going on.

From A @ 6:15: I was in shower. Not sure yet. On my way to [T's]. I'll let you know.

From A @ 8:40: We are at [bar] in [town]
From Me @ 8:52: Got involved with stuff. Have fun, "hi" to everyone, talk to you later. :-)

Maybe I'm being too freaking sensitive... because we know that is totally possible... but it felt like they didn't want me to hang out. I mean... you were in the shower for an hour and a half? Come on. And wouldn't it have been better had she contacted me in between 6:15 and 8:40 and said something like, "this is where we're thinking of going. Want to meet us there? Or meet us at T's?"

Anyway, I'm sort of upset about this because I feel stupid and because I didn't visit my dad today because I made these plans. I feel like a jerk for multiple reasons. At least if you don' t have friends you don't have to worry about this sort of stuff. I know this is a little dramatic but I needed to vent and maybe get some other people's opinions.


  • At 11/08/2009 8:57 PM, Blogger aniretake said…

    I am glad to see I am not the only one who feels like that. Thats why i prefer to have couple of trusted friends rathern than many "acquaintances" who can be jealouse and hypocrites...


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