Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Rest In Peace My Beautiful Girl

The vet said the growth was malignant. She could remove it but there would be no guarantee that it wouldn't grow back or that it would stop the bleeding. It was eating away at the roof of AJ's mouth.

We wanted to bring her home so that my dad could have a chance to say good-bye to her. But she collapsed halfway out the door.

I am SO incredibly sad right now. I miss her so much already.

Rest in peace my beautiful baby!!! I love and miss you!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Family Update:

Well, dad is doing pretty well. His spirits are still up and he seems to accept the fact that when he comes home, he’ll have to be bedridden for a while in an attempt not to set him back at square one yet again. Speaking of his homecoming, the doctors are talking about Thursday.

AJ has an appointment with the vet tomorrow because of this growth around her one tooth. There are several large blood blisters there now and they are bleeding quite a bit. I don’t think there’s anything the vet can do for her, without putting her through more surgery. Even though this protruding, bleeding mass doesn’t seem to bother her, it’s heartbreaking to see her leaving a trail of blood wherever she goes.

I swear the two of them are in competition. If it weren’t so serious it would be pretty damn funny.

AIM Update:

He emailed pictures of his older niece, on the 22nd, to a group of people. I replied with, “Great pictures! How’s it going? Love, Me xoxoxo.” He hasn’t responded. I’m sure he’s been busy but how difficult is it to respond with, “Super busy.”?

Is it unreasonable to expect an answer to a direct question?

I have to admit, I’ve been feeling panicky inside since we last spoke. And I’ve been crying a lot lately. A part of me wants to write him a letter or say to him, “Remember how you felt when we first started hanging out? I still feel that way. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.” I had to smile when I remembered the other day that the first time he took me to the local bar, the bartender came over and gave me a hug and a kiss and told me it was nice to meet me because he talked about me all the time. I don’t understand what happened, what changed, what went wrong.

So why am I hanging on? For lack of a better explanation... he consumes me. Lately, I'm thinking that is not such a good thing but when we're together, things are... awesome.

Work Update:

I finally got my “new” computer. The second in command promised me a new computer last year. Somehow that got turned around to my supervisor’s old computer. I don’t really mind. The “new” one is faster and better than the old one so I can’t complain.

My review still has not been done. They should just wait another two months and then do last year’s and this year’s together. At least I’m smart enough to know that I won’t be getting a two-year’s worth raise.

Me Update:

I am tired. No matter how much sleep I get, I feel exhausted. I have always been emotional but I feel the highs and lows are higher and lower than normal these days.

I’ve been trying to walk and pay attention to what I’m eating in a renewed effort to shed some pounds but it doesn’t seem to be working. I NEED it to work though… our dresses for Mary & Bill’s wedding are in. This is one thing that I am extremely excited about. I can hardly wait to get the dress and try it on. I still have to find shoes though. I’ve been striking out so far. Although, now that I think about it, there is one more store near work that I want to try.

As a part of my “Focus on Me Campaign” I want to get back to drawing. I suppose it sort of defeats the purpose of focusing on me, when the first drawing I’m working on is something for AIM. I’ve been kicking this idea around for a while and want to follow through with it. Besides, I haven’t had any other ideas yet.

I’ve also been trying to walk more. On Saturday morning, I did three miles. On Sunday morning, I did three miles. On Sunday evening, I did another three miles. These last few mornings, I’ve set my alarm so that I can get up to the track to do three miles before work but it hasn’t worked. I’ve reset the alarm each morning and stayed in bed. Again, not really helping my campaign.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

What Can I Say?

Well, my dad seems to be doing pretty well. His spirits are great and I'm hoping that will help facilitate the healing process. He has been in a lot of pain but he's a trooper, to say the least. Tomorrow is his and my mom's 33rd wedding anniversary. I hope he's not too upset not to be home for it.

My AJ gave me a little scare tonight. She recently developed an overgrowth of skin around a tooth or what once was a tooth. It got infected and we got her antibiotics and the infection went away but not the overgrowth. The other day, as I was giving her her medication, I noticed that it was starting to grow and to look greenish again. I told my mom and asked her to call the vet and see if we could get more antibiotics without having to bring AJ in. They gave them to us. Well, the green is gone from what I can tell but now there is an enormous blood blister. She had those before so I'm not too concerned. However, as we were taking our evening stroll, she tripped or slid on a pinecone. (Yes, things are that bad.) Anyway, she went down like a ton of bricks. In the process, part of the blood blister broke off. She was bleeding for a while after that but seems okay now. There's a big protrusion on her snout where this thing is but it doesn't seem to phase her. I'm a little freaked out though. Even though I know it's not too far off in the future, I'm never going to be ready to let her go. She's my baby.

I still haven't spoken to AIM. I feel like something is off. However, as I've already stated the first anniversary of his mom's passing was last week, his new niece was born the following day, both of his aunts (from CT and FL) are visiting (I know this only because they were in the pictures he emailed of the new baby) and I'm sure he's been going out at night. I've been good though. I've been strong. Well, in the sense that I haven't emailed, called, text messaged or Instant Messaged him. But I really do miss him.

So I'm stressing over not talking to him and wondering how things are going and if everything's alright, plus what is going on in my life, plus I'm taking on worrying about some of our friends. One girl flew to Texas tonight. She's been planning the trip for a month or so now. She was going to meet a guy she "met" on MySpace and has been talking to for hours each day. I can hardly wait to hear how it goes. I'll admit I'm addicted to MySpace but I'm weary about meeting people on it. Most of my friends on it are people I actually know in real life. Another of our friends just found out her uncle passed away. Apparently he had cancer. She's supposed to go away this weekend but I wonder if she will now. In a way, I hope she does, for her own mental health.

I have been fairly attitude free at work since last weekend. It seems like it's been a lifetime since that conversation! Hopefully by the time they get around to doing my review they'll have forgotten that little snafu. Yesterday, we closed the office at 11 because there was no power. That was cool. I went shopping, had lunch and went to visit my dad early. I couldn't really afford to go shopping but I had a coupon which usually means that I wouldn't find a single thing that I liked even a little. Of course, this time I didn't have that luck. I picked up two pairs of gauchos (finally, I find some that I like and think look decent on me), a bunch of t-shirts (each $7 off the original price) and a little knit-type sweater to go with one of the camis I have. With my coupon I saved $25. Grand total came to around $123. Not too shabby.

Did I mention that I couldn't really afford to go shopping? I thought so. It's just that it makes it kind of funny that I have decided that I absolutely MUST have a digital camera. And I mean soon. Like, it would be wonderful to have it when Mary and Bill get married, which for anyone who doesn't know and does care, is three months from tomorrow. Oh yea. The other thing... I'm going to Germany next spring. My supervisor wants to go visit her family and thought I should go with her. I've never been overseas and never really had any inclination to go, to be honest. But you know what? I'm never going to have this kind of opportunity again so I'm going to take it. I need to start doing that more in my life. Anyway, I'll have to pay airfare and anything that we wind up doing but apparently we'd stay with her family so lodging wouldn't be an issue. I'm kind of excited. Nervous enough that I haven't started to fill out the passport application but still excited... enough to get me to commit to this trip anyway!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

My Life Just Keeps Sucking Wind

Dad update:

An X-ray, taken a few days before he was scheduled to be released from the hospital, showed that my dad had a fractured hip. Hmmm. He's been confined to a hospital bed for 6 weeks and all of a sudden he's got a fracture. And the doctors asked us how it happened. Anyway, a few days after the X-ray, the bone separated and began to jut out of one of his ulcers. Because of the open wound, they couldn't fix the bone with pins or anything and they decided that since he was never going to walk again anyway, they would just remove the part of the bone that was jutting out.

The surgery went well and his spirits are good. Not sure when he's coming home but there's been some talk of this coming week. Frankly, as much as I'd like to have him home, I'm nervous now. I am decent when it comes to assisting him from the bed to the wheelchair, etc. but with this on top of everything else... I'm afraid to do more damage.

AIM update:

So this past Wednesday was the first anniversary of the passing of AIM's mom. The night before, I send him an ecard. The card itself said, "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you." All I added to it was, "Love, Rebecca."

The following afternoon, after I'd gotten home from work, I sent him a text message that said, "Xoxoxo. You know..." Ummm, unfortunately, as usual, the best of my intentions went to pot. I was walking the dog when I sent the text message and before I closed the phone I tried to fix the leash. All of a sudden, I looked down to the phone and it was calling him. I knew I couldn't hang up, since it would show my phone number and I was relieved when he didn't answer. I didn't leave a message.

But as the minutes wore on I grew increasingly upset with myself and the whole situation. That evening I wrote him a quick email that said (basically): "Hey. I owe you an apology. I didn't mean to be intrusive or "in your face". I just wanted to remind you that you and your family are in my thoughts today (and every day). I'm sorry if I made a hard day harder. Love, Rebecca".

Not surprisingly, he didn't respond. I haven't spoken to him in days. Tuesday night was the last time we chatted. I'm trying to just give him some space right now. Unfortunately for me, I miss him.

I went out Friday night with some girls that I met through him. We met up with some of the guys and he was supposed to be there but never showed. Now, it was a difficult week for him because of his mom, I'm sure. Plus you add onto that that he wasn't feeling well (according to multiple friends who had spoken to him) and the fact that his new niece was just born on Thursday morning (he emailed a few pictures to a bunch of us that day) but I was still disappointed not to see him. I even dressed up in a new outfit (for him). *Sigh*

Me Update:

So Friday night, the girls I met up with were going to pick someone else up at the train station. I stayed behind with one of AIM's very good friends. The girls asked, on their way to the car, if we needed anything when they came back. He replied, "yea, a blond around 5 foot 7." The answer he got from them was, "you've got one right next to you." He looked at me then and said, "yea, but she's spoken for." I was floored. I'm spoken for? Since when? A few seconds later, when I was finally able to spew forth some words, I said, "um, no, not exactly." (I'm extremely bright and operate well under pressure, can you tell?) He just looked back at me very coolly and said, "yea... yea, you're spoken for." Hmmmm... interesting to hear but also sort of not what I needed to hear. Ya know? Although, he did tell me online the other night that he doesn't know what AIM is thinking because I'm "the prettiest and most normal girl he's dated". Hahaha! His friend obviously doesn't know me that well to think that I'm normal!!!!

So yes, between all of this and AIM not showing up (and my very nonchalant glances every 10 seconds over my shoulder to look for him) I was on edge a bit. But I still enjoyed myself (as much as I could). Sunday was better. I met up with some people from work and we attended a free concert of the New York Philharmonic in a local park. My supervisor and I got there around 3:30 and staked out a place. Everyone else started arriving around 4:30-5:00. That afternoon was the most relaxed and worry free I've felt in a long time.

Of course, I learned, after my supervisor had had about a bottle and a half of wine, that some of the other staff are complaining about me because I have an attitude. Well, jeez... it's not like my dad has been in the hospital for most of this year. It's not like I work 9-5 Monday through Friday with hardly any recognition but have to sit there silently and watch the rest of the staff come and go as they please. Or that I'm expected to drop everything every time someone else has something stupid for me to do.

I told her, after she'd informed me of the complaints, that I know it (my attitude) is unacceptable but that I get frustrated. Everyone else says and does what they please and no one says a thing to them. I'm having a hard time and get frustrated a little easier than I should and all of a sudden I'm a bitch. Honestly, we have one staff member who made a comment to another staff member that was so inappropriate it prompted a sexual harassment seminar. And not more than two weeks later, that same person got a promotion and presumably a raise. It's like there are no consequences for anyone else. I come to work, do my job and whatever else is asked of me but get bitched at for having an attitude. WTF?!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Multi-Part Rant

Where Do I Start?

Part I

Part I deals with my dad. He was supposed to come home yesterday but plans changed. The doctor ordered x-rays and found out that dad has a fractured hip. When did this happen? No one knows. Dad has very little feeling below the waist and hasn’t been in pain.

I feel so bad that he’s has been stuck in the hospital. This is the third time, I think, that he was supposed to come home and had some sort of set back. The poor man hasn’t been out of his bed, except for treatment, at all in the last 5 weeks. He wants to go outside. He wants to come home. I can’t blame him.

Part II


AIM didn’t go to the party A invited him to and he said he’d go to on Sunday. A was pissed at him. Well, she says she was pissed and to a degree I believe her but I think she was more hurt than anything. I wasn’t mad about it but I was disappointed, as I always look forward to seeing him.

I was hurt because I had gotten a rude email from him that morning. I had sent a forwarded message along… I didn’t know if it was a true story and I didn’t care because it was more about kindness in people. Anyway, he replied with, “do not send me this bull shit.” I didn’t know if I should take it personally or not therefore I didn’t respond.

Anyway, after that email and not showing up to the party (and going out with another friend after you told A you’d definitely be at her party as long as your back didn’t hurt) I didn’t expect to hear from AIM for at least three days. I was wrong. He IMed me yesterday and completely took me off guard. Because I didn’t expect to hear from him so soon and because I was online doing stuff and didn’t even know he had signed on until he messaged me. I was a little short and couldn’t talk long anyway because I had lost track of time and was going to visit my dad.

My stomach is in knots. This is what I don’t miss about having a big group of friends. There are so many hurt feelings right now and I see it getting worse before it gets better.

Part III

What do I like about AIM?

I feel good around him and enjoy myself when I’m with him. I’m comfortable with him. I like it when he kisses me unexpectedly, when he holds my hand, when he looks at me like I’m the coolest girl in the world. I love it when we tease one another. I love his generosity, his thoughtfulness, his spirit. I love his potential.

What don’t I like about AIM?

It’s more things that he does/doesn’t do that I don’t like. For example, he hardly ever asks about my dad. He knows my dad is in the hospital and isn’t doing so well but he rarely asks. (In part I can’t blame him, it is coming up on a year since his own mom passed away but in part, it upsets me that he doesn’t ask.)

I am worried about him spending so much time with the people he spends the majority of his time with. They are nice people. They do some stuff that I don’t want be involved in and I just don’t want to see him be a part of. I’m not saying I want to see him ditch his friends… but… well, I guess I’d like to see him strive for more out of his life. It’s almost like he’s comfortable and knows what to expect so he’s not going to reach for more. (Of course, I realize I’m not one to talk on this topic.)