Rest In Peace My Beautiful Girl
Rest in peace my beautiful baby!!! I love and miss you!
While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)
So why am I hanging on? For lack of a better explanation... he consumes me. Lately, I'm thinking that is not such a good thing but when we're together, things are... awesome.
I finally got my “new” computer. The second in command promised me a new computer last year. Somehow that got turned around to my supervisor’s old computer. I don’t really mind. The “new” one is faster and better than the old one so I can’t complain.
My review still has not been done. They should just wait another two months and then do last year’s and this year’s together. At least I’m smart enough to know that I won’t be getting a two-year’s worth raise.
I am tired. No matter how much sleep I get, I feel exhausted. I have always been emotional but I feel the highs and lows are higher and lower than normal these days.
I’ve been trying to walk and pay attention to what I’m eating in a renewed effort to shed some pounds but it doesn’t seem to be working. I NEED it to work though… our dresses for Mary & Bill’s wedding are in. This is one thing that I am extremely excited about. I can hardly wait to get the dress and try it on. I still have to find shoes though. I’ve been striking out so far. Although, now that I think about it, there is one more store near work that I want to try.
As a part of my “Focus on Me Campaign” I want to get back to drawing. I suppose it sort of defeats the purpose of focusing on me, when the first drawing I’m working on is something for AIM. I’ve been kicking this idea around for a while and want to follow through with it. Besides, I haven’t had any other ideas yet.
I’ve also been trying to walk more. On Saturday morning, I did three miles. On Sunday morning, I did three miles. On Sunday evening, I did another three miles. These last few mornings, I’ve set my alarm so that I can get up to the track to do three miles before work but it hasn’t worked. I’ve reset the alarm each morning and stayed in bed. Again, not really helping my campaign.
An X-ray, taken a few days before he was scheduled to be released from the hospital, showed that my dad had a fractured hip. Hmmm. He's been confined to a hospital bed for 6 weeks and all of a sudden he's got a fracture. And the doctors asked us how it happened. Anyway, a few days after the X-ray, the bone separated and began to jut out of one of his ulcers. Because of the open wound, they couldn't fix the bone with pins or anything and they decided that since he was never going to walk again anyway, they would just remove the part of the bone that was jutting out.
The surgery went well and his spirits are good. Not sure when he's coming home but there's been some talk of this coming week. Frankly, as much as I'd like to have him home, I'm nervous now. I am decent when it comes to assisting him from the bed to the wheelchair, etc. but with this on top of everything else... I'm afraid to do more damage.
So this past Wednesday was the first anniversary of the passing of AIM's mom. The night before, I send him an ecard. The card itself said, "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you." All I added to it was, "Love, Rebecca."
The following afternoon, after I'd gotten home from work, I sent him a text message that said, "Xoxoxo. You know..." Ummm, unfortunately, as usual, the best of my intentions went to pot. I was walking the dog when I sent the text message and before I closed the phone I tried to fix the leash. All of a sudden, I looked down to the phone and it was calling him. I knew I couldn't hang up, since it would show my phone number and I was relieved when he didn't answer. I didn't leave a message.
But as the minutes wore on I grew increasingly upset with myself and the whole situation. That evening I wrote him a quick email that said (basically): "Hey. I owe you an apology. I didn't mean to be intrusive or "in your face". I just wanted to remind you that you and your family are in my thoughts today (and every day). I'm sorry if I made a hard day harder. Love, Rebecca".
Not surprisingly, he didn't respond. I haven't spoken to him in days. Tuesday night was the last time we chatted. I'm trying to just give him some space right now. Unfortunately for me, I miss him.
I went out Friday night with some girls that I met through him. We met up with some of the guys and he was supposed to be there but never showed. Now, it was a difficult week for him because of his mom, I'm sure. Plus you add onto that that he wasn't feeling well (according to multiple friends who had spoken to him) and the fact that his new niece was just born on Thursday morning (he emailed a few pictures to a bunch of us that day) but I was still disappointed not to see him. I even dressed up in a new outfit (for him). *Sigh*
So Friday night, the girls I met up with were going to pick someone else up at the train station. I stayed behind with one of AIM's very good friends. The girls asked, on their way to the car, if we needed anything when they came back. He replied, "yea, a blond around 5 foot 7." The answer he got from them was, "you've got one right next to you." He looked at me then and said, "yea, but she's spoken for." I was floored. I'm spoken for? Since when? A few seconds later, when I was finally able to spew forth some words, I said, "um, no, not exactly." (I'm extremely bright and operate well under pressure, can you tell?) He just looked back at me very coolly and said, "yea... yea, you're spoken for." Hmmmm... interesting to hear but also sort of not what I needed to hear. Ya know? Although, he did tell me online the other night that he doesn't know what AIM is thinking because I'm "the prettiest and most normal girl he's dated". Hahaha! His friend obviously doesn't know me that well to think that I'm normal!!!!
So yes, between all of this and AIM not showing up (and my very nonchalant glances every 10 seconds over my shoulder to look for him) I was on edge a bit. But I still enjoyed myself (as much as I could). Sunday was better. I met up with some people from work and we attended a free concert of the New York Philharmonic in a local park. My supervisor and I got there around 3:30 and staked out a place. Everyone else started arriving around 4:30-5:00. That afternoon was the most relaxed and worry free I've felt in a long time.
Of course, I learned, after my supervisor had had about a bottle and a half of wine, that some of the other staff are complaining about me because I have an attitude. Well, jeez... it's not like my dad has been in the hospital for most of this year. It's not like I work 9-5 Monday through Friday with hardly any recognition but have to sit there silently and watch the rest of the staff come and go as they please. Or that I'm expected to drop everything every time someone else has something stupid for me to do.
I told her, after she'd informed me of the complaints, that I know it (my attitude) is unacceptable but that I get frustrated. Everyone else says and does what they please and no one says a thing to them. I'm having a hard time and get frustrated a little easier than I should and all of a sudden I'm a bitch. Honestly, we have one staff member who made a comment to another staff member that was so inappropriate it prompted a sexual harassment seminar. And not more than two weeks later, that same person got a promotion and presumably a raise. It's like there are no consequences for anyone else. I come to work, do my job and whatever else is asked of me but get bitched at for having an attitude. WTF?!