Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Multi-Part Rant

Where Do I Start?

Part I

Part I deals with my dad. He was supposed to come home yesterday but plans changed. The doctor ordered x-rays and found out that dad has a fractured hip. When did this happen? No one knows. Dad has very little feeling below the waist and hasn’t been in pain.

I feel so bad that he’s has been stuck in the hospital. This is the third time, I think, that he was supposed to come home and had some sort of set back. The poor man hasn’t been out of his bed, except for treatment, at all in the last 5 weeks. He wants to go outside. He wants to come home. I can’t blame him.

Part II

*Sigh*

AIM didn’t go to the party A invited him to and he said he’d go to on Sunday. A was pissed at him. Well, she says she was pissed and to a degree I believe her but I think she was more hurt than anything. I wasn’t mad about it but I was disappointed, as I always look forward to seeing him.

I was hurt because I had gotten a rude email from him that morning. I had sent a forwarded message along… I didn’t know if it was a true story and I didn’t care because it was more about kindness in people. Anyway, he replied with, “do not send me this bull shit.” I didn’t know if I should take it personally or not therefore I didn’t respond.

Anyway, after that email and not showing up to the party (and going out with another friend after you told A you’d definitely be at her party as long as your back didn’t hurt) I didn’t expect to hear from AIM for at least three days. I was wrong. He IMed me yesterday and completely took me off guard. Because I didn’t expect to hear from him so soon and because I was online doing stuff and didn’t even know he had signed on until he messaged me. I was a little short and couldn’t talk long anyway because I had lost track of time and was going to visit my dad.

My stomach is in knots. This is what I don’t miss about having a big group of friends. There are so many hurt feelings right now and I see it getting worse before it gets better.

Part III

What do I like about AIM?

I feel good around him and enjoy myself when I’m with him. I’m comfortable with him. I like it when he kisses me unexpectedly, when he holds my hand, when he looks at me like I’m the coolest girl in the world. I love it when we tease one another. I love his generosity, his thoughtfulness, his spirit. I love his potential.

What don’t I like about AIM?

It’s more things that he does/doesn’t do that I don’t like. For example, he hardly ever asks about my dad. He knows my dad is in the hospital and isn’t doing so well but he rarely asks. (In part I can’t blame him, it is coming up on a year since his own mom passed away but in part, it upsets me that he doesn’t ask.)

I am worried about him spending so much time with the people he spends the majority of his time with. They are nice people. They do some stuff that I don’t want be involved in and I just don’t want to see him be a part of. I’m not saying I want to see him ditch his friends… but… well, I guess I’d like to see him strive for more out of his life. It’s almost like he’s comfortable and knows what to expect so he’s not going to reach for more. (Of course, I realize I’m not one to talk on this topic.)

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