Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

GUILT

Update on Bobo:

My friend Bobo came through both surgeries fairly well. There was a chance that he would be paralyzed in one or both legs and that he would lose his eyesight. The last update I got said that the Physical Therapist had him up and walking yesterday for a while. Knock on wood, it looks good for him.

Update on Dad:

When I was in PA in mid-August for Mary's bridal shower, my dad went back into the hospital with a fever caused by an infection in one of his wounds. He was there for about ten days on IV antibiotics and came home right before the Labor Day holiday. On Monday, he was readmitted with a 103.6 temperature. His newest wound is starting to open and apparently is infected. This time he is on the same floor, in the same wing as his last long stay. The good part about this is that he is friendly with many of the nurses and aides. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that this is going to be what the rest of his life is like. I hate to be a pessimist but I don't think he'll ever be rid of these sores.

Man Update:

Ha!

Things between AIM and I seem be going very well. In the last several months we've seen each other and spoken a lot. He invited me over last Tuesday night and I went and hung out for a while, then we went and got dinner and then went back to his house and laid down to watch TV. I went out of town on Wednesday night and when I reached my destination I sent him a text message telling him that I was there and that I already had a story. To my surprise, he called me immediately and asked what my story was. On Thursday, we chatted a little via text messaging but that was it. I didn't talk to him on Friday at all. On Saturday I considered calling him when I dropped my friend Lisa off but decided I was really too tired. Again, to my surprise, he called me a short time later. He invited me to a local street fair the following day (which I went to with him last year). I told him I couldn't give him an answer right away and that I'd call him in the morning and let him know. Of course, I went. We went with his brother, sister-in-law and their two kids. We stayed for a while even after his family left. When we got back to his house we just relaxed for a while and then he made dinner and we ate before I had to leave for bowling.

Okay, so I am holding out hope that he's coming around, even though I know I shouldn't. But I'm a little more open to other possibilities now too. There is a man at bowling that has caught my eye and it seems that I've caught his as well. We have chatted a bit here and there though. Anyway, I'm just going with the flow and will see what happens.

While I was away, my friend C, who is married, gave me a rose. I only see C once or twice a year. I've only met his wife once. Anyway, C has apparently had a "thing" for me since we first met 5 years ago. Honestly, I've always found him attractive but I don't know if he was married when we met. Of course, I was still with my ex so I wasn't paying attention to stuff like that. Back to this most recent trip though. Halfway through the day (we were both there working at a firefighter's convention) he walks up and hands me a rose. Later on, when I thanked him for it, he said I was "a totally awesome person who deserved it." I'm not really interested in being involved with a married man or in a long distance relationship for that matter but I thought it was interesting. And, maybe this is wrong but it feels good to know that someone is interested or attracted, even if it's a bad situation.

Me Update:

So I've been trying to get out as much as possible and have fun because what's going on at home is so heavy and depressing and takes a toll. I feel guilty for getting out though. I feel guilty for wanting to move... not that I could afford it at the moment though.

My boss is trying to convince me to go back to school or find a service project or something. I know she's trying to help but I'm beginning to feel like a caged animal every time she brings it up. The last time she mentioned it, I told her flat out that I just don't have time right now. She dropped it but I felt guilty.

My closest childhood friend's brother is getting married in October in Buffalo, NY. That's approximately 8 hours away from me. I feel like I owe it to him to be there as he is the closest thing I've ever had to a brother but it's a huge expense that I can't really take on right now. Especially considering that the following weekend I will be in PA for Mary & Bill's wedding, which I'm in. I am SO happy to be a part of Mary & Bill's day, I'm not complaining about that at all. It's just that two out of town weddings in consecutive weekends is a bit much. But you know what? I feel guilty not going.

Am I wrong to feel so much guilt? Where the heck is it all coming from? Why does it seem like there's an endless supply?

2 Comments:

  • At 9/20/2006 5:01 PM, Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said…

    I know the feeling...I know it well.

    Just when something looks good, you are whipped right back to reality.

     
  • At 9/20/2006 5:53 PM, Blogger Robin Rivers said…

    Ah, the endless supply of guilt. I don't know about you. But, that's pretty much a product of me growing up Catholic. Seems they have cornerned the market on the whole guilt thing.
    Anyway, my theory is that really you should be willing to let people know you are thinking about them, but life just has its swings. Sometimes it swings in favour of them. Sometimes not so much. But, keeping your capacity to be happy and sane in check ends up ultimately to be the healthiest for everybody.

    Glad to see you back on the blog.

     

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