Home of an Emotional Idiot

While there were times when he wished he could roll back the clock and erase all the sadness, he had a hunch that if he did so, the joy would be diminished as well. And that was something he couldn't contemplate. (From At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks)

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I Want To Scream

I have been meaning to write all week, however, every time I've tried, my Internet connection has completely sucked. Finally, it seems to be working somewhat better so I'm going to try to get everything in... if I remember what everything was! I should have jotted down notes!

I have been home from work since mid-day Tuesday with what I originally thought was strep throat but now suspect was tonsilitis. I went to the doctor and the instant strep test came back negative for strep. They took another culture and sent it off to the lab with instructions for me to assume I was contagious and to take Tylenol. That's right. Tylenol. Not antibiotics. Anyway, it's now Saturday and I haven't heard anything from the doctor. But I also happen to feel quite a bit better. I think I'm going to take a shower and venture out today for a while.

After leaving the doctor, I had just enough time to make it to my Weight Watchers meeting. Although I was very nervous about weighing in, I wanted to see how I had done. The results? I was down 3.6 pounds in my first week. YAY me! We'll see how I managed this week being home and in bed, for the most part.

When I got home on Tuesday, I explained to my mother that I was sick and was not on antibiotics yet so I did not want to expose my father to my germs. She said she understood and agreed that this was the right course of action. And then it started. "Would you take him his dinner?" "Would you take him his pills?" "Would you see what he wants?" "Would you change his dressings?"

I probably should have told her no but I'm so tired of the "I can't, I'm fat" excuse. She's never actually said it that way but it's the implication. "Would you change his dressings? I can't today, my back hurts." The answer I wanted to scream to her was, "Lose 300 pounds and then your back won't hurt so much!" And despite what you might think, I didn't want to say that just to be mean. I would honestly estimate that she has at least that much to lose. She can't even stand up straight. She literally needs something to lean on to support all that weight.

Anyway, I asked her what she was going to do when I'm away next weekend and she said she didn't know. Hmmm, that makes me feel really confident about leaving him in her care.

So I delivered him his pills last night as usual at 10 pm. He took the sleeping pill but wanted to wait to take the pain pill. Okay, fine. I left it next to the bed. When I said good-night about an hour later, the pill was gone. He insists he didn't take it but I couldn't find it. When I told him that he got nasty and said we should just kill him now and get it over with. He then proceeded to ignore me and call my mother in to bring him another pill. He told her if he found the other one, he wouldn't take it. I feel bad that I didn't entirely believe him when he said he didn't take it but if I don't look out for his health, who else will?

I was supposed to be in Buffalo this weekend for a wedding. It's the wedding of a childhood friend. I should be there. I want to be there. I just couldn't be there. And it's good that I'm not there. Well, it's good because of my illness, because of my mother and her "I can't" complex and because Buffalo got hit with a freak storm and is currently buried under two feet of snow! My poor friends. I hope that is the only hitch in their wedding day plans.

In other news, I got fan mail from the IRS yesterday. It seems that I owe $886 in back taxes because my accountant forgot to include the money I received from cashing in savings bonds on my 2004 return. Yes, that's right. It took them two and a half years to inform me that I owe this money and they've been so kind as to give me 3 weeks to pay. Because this year, of all years, is the one when I have extra money available. I know. I should quit my whining... this is life. I'm just frustrated. And all I want to do is scream.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Time to Write... Finally!

I finally have found some time to write. Yay.

Yesterday I spent several hours with a good friend of mine. She was approximately four months pregnant and there were complications. The outlook wasn't good and the doctor said she should consider termination. After many tests and many doctors, she and her husband learned that there was little to no chance the baby would survive to birth. If the baby did survive the chances of he/she being severly disabled would be high. My girlfriend is a special education teacher and disabilities don't scare her. But she was told that essentially, if her child survived, he/she would be so limited that his/her quality of life would be very poor.

After hearing that, they made the very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. She thought she was going to the doctor to get a shot to slow the baby's growth but when she got there she found out that the baby was getting a shot to stop the heartbeat. So now, my girlfriend is carrying a lifeless little baby inside of her. She'll have a procedure on Wednesday that will remove the baby from her.

It's heartbreaking to see her go through this. She is such a wonderful person with a huge heart and a lot of love.

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Dad has been home for a week now and seems to be doing okay. I changed his dressings yesterday and his wounds are looking much better. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that they'll heal and new ones will break out or that because he's home and not getting the same care as in the hospital that they will stop doing better and start getting bigger and deeper again.

His spirits seem to be good but his hearing and his eyesight are deteriorating. I think the hearing is because of his bed, because the airflow mattress makes so much noise that he has to turn the TV up just to be able to hear it. He has a similar bed here at home so it's no better now. But his eyesight scares me.

I feel so bad for him. He's so young. It's hard for me but it's got to be terrible for him.

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I picked up my dress for Mary's wedding yesterday. It's better but I'm not thrilled with it. And I can't get my head around the dress shop selling me the larger size. They had my measurements, they knew how much would have to be taken in on the top. And they knew that I was not local and that they would therefore not be doing my alterations.

Well, it's not horrible. Don't get me wrong. It's just not as good as I had hoped. Luckily for me, most people won't do more than glance at me.

Hahahaha... I could always blame it on my shape. I mean my body is not well proportioned. Yes, that's it! It's not me. It's my body.

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Well, Weight Watchers is going. I have almost a week under my belt. I'm nervous to see what the scale says on Tuesday though. I've tried to follow it. The first day I was under my alotted points by 5. The second day I was over by about 10. It's interesting to say the least. I never really looked at portion sizes before so it's kind of cool to see how much I was eating compared to how much I actually need. I'm hopeful that I'll still think it's neat on Tuesday when I weigh in for the first time again.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Quickly

Just wanted to get on here and post something quick since I haven't been on in a few days and have been missing it.

Dad came home from the hospital last night. It's good but it's not. The doctors said he'd be in the hospital a month to two months. Then, after only three weeks, they send him home. It's got to do with the insurance company but it drives me nuts. This is a man who got multiple sclerosis as a result of fighting for his country in Vietnam and being exposed to Agent Orange. This is the thanks he gets? I know got a better outcome than a lot of his fellow soldiers and I'm grateful but it's frustrating now when his insurance... his GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE insurance isn't covering this, that or the other thing.

I took my dress for Mary & Bill's wedding to be altered. The dress shop ordered me the size they did because when I gave them my measurements, my waist was a half inch larger than the manufacturer's recommendation for the size below. Fine. No worries. Well, when I took the dress to be altered, the seamstress said there was a pitching problem. It seems that the beaded design under the bust is going to be a problem for her. The result, she was afraid, would be a gaping of the bust off of my body. I'm picking the dress up on Saturday. I hope that it is far better than what she was explaining to me.

In other news, I joined Weight Watchers... again. I did quite well exercising and just watching what I was eating but with the craziness I've been dealing with this year, I needed some structure and something to get me jump started. So yesterday was my first day and I did pretty well. I decided to go with the Points program rather than Core. Yesterday I ate 5 points under what I should have. Today I'm meeting a girlfriend for dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. I looked at their nutritional information online earlier and I'm in trouble. Everything there is so laden with fat and calories. But even if I indulge tonight and follow the program until I weigh in again, I'm not terribly worried. I'm on the right track and that's what matters right now.