Home of an Emotional Idiot

I Want To Scream

2006-10-14T09:19:00.000-04:00

I have been meaning to write all week, however, every time I've tried, my Internet connection has completely sucked. Finally, it seems to be working somewhat better so I'm going to try to get everything in... if I remember what everything was! I should have jotted down notes!

I have been home from work since mid-day Tuesday with what I originally thought was strep throat but now suspect was tonsilitis. I went to the doctor and the instant strep test came back negative for strep. They took another culture and sent it off to the lab with instructions for me to assume I was contagious and to take Tylenol. That's right. Tylenol. Not antibiotics. Anyway, it's now Saturday and I haven't heard anything from the doctor. But I also happen to feel quite a bit better. I think I'm going to take a shower and venture out today for a while.

After leaving the doctor, I had just enough time to make it to my Weight Watchers meeting. Although I was very nervous about weighing in, I wanted to see how I had done. The results? I was down 3.6 pounds in my first week. YAY me! We'll see how I managed this week being home and in bed, for the most part.

When I got home on Tuesday, I explained to my mother that I was sick and was not on antibiotics yet so I did not want to expose my father to my germs. She said she understood and agreed that this was the right course of action. And then it started. "Would you take him his dinner?" "Would you take him his pills?" "Would you see what he wants?" "Would you change his dressings?"

I probably should have told her no but I'm so tired of the "I can't, I'm fat" excuse. She's never actually said it that way but it's the implication. "Would you change his dressings? I can't today, my back hurts." The answer I wanted to scream to her was, "Lose 300 pounds and then your back won't hurt so much!" And despite what you might think, I didn't want to say that just to be mean. I would honestly estimate that she has at least that much to lose. She can't even stand up straight. She literally needs something to lean on to support all that weight.

Anyway, I asked her what she was going to do when I'm away next weekend and she said she didn't know. Hmmm, that makes me feel really confident about leaving him in her care.

So I delivered him his pills last night as usual at 10 pm. He took the sleeping pill but wanted to wait to take the pain pill. Okay, fine. I left it next to the bed. When I said good-night about an hour later, the pill was gone. He insists he didn't take it but I couldn't find it. When I told him that he got nasty and said we should just kill him now and get it over with. He then proceeded to ignore me and call my mother in to bring him another pill. He told her if he found the other one, he wouldn't take it. I feel bad that I didn't entirely believe him when he said he didn't take it but if I don't look out for his health, who else will?

I was supposed to be in Buffalo this weekend for a wedding. It's the wedding of a childhood friend. I should be there. I want to be there. I just couldn't be there. And it's good that I'm not there. Well, it's good because of my illness, because of my mother and her "I can't" complex and because Buffalo got hit with a freak storm and is currently buried under two feet of snow! My poor friends. I hope that is the only hitch in their wedding day plans.

In other news, I got fan mail from the IRS yesterday. It seems that I owe $886 in back taxes because my accountant forgot to include the money I received from cashing in savings bonds on my 2004 return. Yes, that's right. It took them two and a half years to inform me that I owe this money and they've been so kind as to give me 3 weeks to pay. Because this year, of all years, is the one when I have extra money available. I know. I should quit my whining... this is life. I'm just frustrated. And all I want to do is scream.

Time to Write... Finally!

2006-10-08T14:20:00.000-04:00

I finally have found some time to write. Yay.

Yesterday I spent several hours with a good friend of mine. She was approximately four months pregnant and there were complications. The outlook wasn't good and the doctor said she should consider termination. After many tests and many doctors, she and her husband learned that there was little to no chance the baby would survive to birth. If the baby did survive the chances of he/she being severly disabled would be high. My girlfriend is a special education teacher and disabilities don't scare her. But she was told that essentially, if her child survived, he/she would be so limited that his/her quality of life would be very poor.

After hearing that, they made the very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. She thought she was going to the doctor to get a shot to slow the baby's growth but when she got there she found out that the baby was getting a shot to stop the heartbeat. So now, my girlfriend is carrying a lifeless little baby inside of her. She'll have a procedure on Wednesday that will remove the baby from her.

It's heartbreaking to see her go through this. She is such a wonderful person with a huge heart and a lot of love.

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Dad has been home for a week now and seems to be doing okay. I changed his dressings yesterday and his wounds are looking much better. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that they'll heal and new ones will break out or that because he's home and not getting the same care as in the hospital that they will stop doing better and start getting bigger and deeper again.

His spirits seem to be good but his hearing and his eyesight are deteriorating. I think the hearing is because of his bed, because the airflow mattress makes so much noise that he has to turn the TV up just to be able to hear it. He has a similar bed here at home so it's no better now. But his eyesight scares me.

I feel so bad for him. He's so young. It's hard for me but it's got to be terrible for him.

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I picked up my dress for Mary's wedding yesterday. It's better but I'm not thrilled with it. And I can't get my head around the dress shop selling me the larger size. They had my measurements, they knew how much would have to be taken in on the top. And they knew that I was not local and that they would therefore not be doing my alterations.

Well, it's not horrible. Don't get me wrong. It's just not as good as I had hoped. Luckily for me, most people won't do more than glance at me.

Hahahaha... I could always blame it on my shape. I mean my body is not well proportioned. Yes, that's it! It's not me. It's my body.

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Well, Weight Watchers is going. I have almost a week under my belt. I'm nervous to see what the scale says on Tuesday though. I've tried to follow it. The first day I was under my alotted points by 5. The second day I was over by about 10. It's interesting to say the least. I never really looked at portion sizes before so it's kind of cool to see how much I was eating compared to how much I actually need. I'm hopeful that I'll still think it's neat on Tuesday when I weigh in for the first time again.

Quickly

2006-10-05T11:22:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to get on here and post something quick since I haven't been on in a few days and have been missing it.

Dad came home from the hospital last night. It's good but it's not. The doctors said he'd be in the hospital a month to two months. Then, after only three weeks, they send him home. It's got to do with the insurance company but it drives me nuts. This is a man who got multiple sclerosis as a result of fighting for his country in Vietnam and being exposed to Agent Orange. This is the thanks he gets? I know got a better outcome than a lot of his fellow soldiers and I'm grateful but it's frustrating now when his insurance... his GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE insurance isn't covering this, that or the other thing.

I took my dress for Mary & Bill's wedding to be altered. The dress shop ordered me the size they did because when I gave them my measurements, my waist was a half inch larger than the manufacturer's recommendation for the size below. Fine. No worries. Well, when I took the dress to be altered, the seamstress said there was a pitching problem. It seems that the beaded design under the bust is going to be a problem for her. The result, she was afraid, would be a gaping of the bust off of my body. I'm picking the dress up on Saturday. I hope that it is far better than what she was explaining to me.

In other news, I joined Weight Watchers... again. I did quite well exercising and just watching what I was eating but with the craziness I've been dealing with this year, I needed some structure and something to get me jump started. So yesterday was my first day and I did pretty well. I decided to go with the Points program rather than Core. Yesterday I ate 5 points under what I should have. Today I'm meeting a girlfriend for dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. I looked at their nutritional information online earlier and I'm in trouble. Everything there is so laden with fat and calories. But even if I indulge tonight and follow the program until I weigh in again, I'm not terribly worried. I'm on the right track and that's what matters right now.

WTF Is Up With 2006?

2006-09-26T15:47:00.000-04:00

Seriously. What is going on this year? I can't say it's been completely terrible for everyone I know but it's certainly had WAY more negative than positive things.

Bad Things That Have Happened To Me And/Or People I Know This Year:

Dad goes into the hospital (multiple times);

We have to put my beautiful AJ to sleep;

My great aunt breaks her hip;

My dear friend D finds out the baby she's carrying has fluid in its stomach and there is a chance that she will lose the baby or that the baby will have some sort of birth defect;

AIM's friend Bobo finds out he has spinal cancer and has to undergo massive surgery;

T's friend Stephy finds out she has a brain tumor and has to undergo massive surgery;

A feels a mysterious lump behind her ear;

I gained back most of the weight I lost and now have to start all over again.

Good Things That Have Happened To Me And/Or People I Know This Year:

My other friend T found out she's pregnant and gets engaged;

D found out she's pregnant;

Dad came out of the hospital (multiple times);

Bobo and Stephy are both recovering from their surgeries pretty well.

Ugh. I just can't take all this negativity. I need something good to happen soon. With all the bad that I feel like I've been surrounded with, I want to believe that something good will happen soon.

Booty Call Inquiry

2006-09-24T11:20:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read that headline correctly and no, I'm not looking for a booty call. My good friend A was telling me, last night, about the guy she's been seeing for the last four months or so and because of my overall inexperience with such things I couldn't give her any good solid advice. The situation boggles my mind and I can't even pretend to understand it. Therefore, I am turning to you for help.

When a man makes a booty call does he typically take her out? If he does take her out, does he pay or does he make her pay her own way? If he takes her out, is it unusual for him to take her out with a group of his friends or with his family? If he takes her out with friends or family around, does he hold her hand the entire time or treat her like a pal? Once they're alone and intimacies (ahem) are out of the way, does he cuddle with her? Does he keep on kissing her? Does he laugh and play around with her or does he get dressed and more or less send her packing?

I've always considered a booty call to be when you make the call and invite someone to meet you and "take care of business" and then part ways. I don't know what to tell her about him taking her out with both his friends and his family on separate occasions, about him paying her way when they do things, about his cuddling habits afterwards. I'm just as confused as she is about the whole situation but feel like I need to bring something back to her. Any opinions?

A is having a difficult time with this guy. She cares for him so much and would do anything for him but she's beginning to feel like she's only a booty call. Until he starts inviting her to hang out with his family and friends and acts like her boyfriend. She begins to hope then and hope is a beautiful but dangerous thing.

HELP

2006-09-22T08:16:00.000-04:00

It's been so long since I've made any format changes to my blog that it seems I've forgotten how. Obviously, I figured out how to change the design (finally) but lost my links. I've been adding them back in but they don't seem to be appearing.

Can you see them? Or is it just me?

Pooped With Pink

2006-09-21T15:47:00.000-04:00

Ok, I got tired of the pink. The blue is, at first glance for me, refreshing and yet surprising. I've had my blog for more than a year now and it's always been pink so this seems like a pretty big change.

But I like it.

GUILT

2006-09-20T13:34:00.000-04:00

Update on Bobo:

My friend Bobo came through both surgeries fairly well. There was a chance that he would be paralyzed in one or both legs and that he would lose his eyesight. The last update I got said that the Physical Therapist had him up and walking yesterday for a while. Knock on wood, it looks good for him.

Update on Dad:

When I was in PA in mid-August for Mary's bridal shower, my dad went back into the hospital with a fever caused by an infection in one of his wounds. He was there for about ten days on IV antibiotics and came home right before the Labor Day holiday. On Monday, he was readmitted with a 103.6 temperature. His newest wound is starting to open and apparently is infected. This time he is on the same floor, in the same wing as his last long stay. The good part about this is that he is friendly with many of the nurses and aides. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that this is going to be what the rest of his life is like. I hate to be a pessimist but I don't think he'll ever be rid of these sores.

Man Update:

Ha!

Things between AIM and I seem be going very well. In the last several months we've seen each other and spoken a lot. He invited me over last Tuesday night and I went and hung out for a while, then we went and got dinner and then went back to his house and laid down to watch TV. I went out of town on Wednesday night and when I reached my destination I sent him a text message telling him that I was there and that I already had a story. To my surprise, he called me immediately and asked what my story was. On Thursday, we chatted a little via text messaging but that was it. I didn't talk to him on Friday at all. On Saturday I considered calling him when I dropped my friend Lisa off but decided I was really too tired. Again, to my surprise, he called me a short time later. He invited me to a local street fair the following day (which I went to with him last year). I told him I couldn't give him an answer right away and that I'd call him in the morning and let him know. Of course, I went. We went with his brother, sister-in-law and their two kids. We stayed for a while even after his family left. When we got back to his house we just relaxed for a while and then he made dinner and we ate before I had to leave for bowling.

Okay, so I am holding out hope that he's coming around, even though I know I shouldn't. But I'm a little more open to other possibilities now too. There is a man at bowling that has caught my eye and it seems that I've caught his as well. We have chatted a bit here and there though. Anyway, I'm just going with the flow and will see what happens.

While I was away, my friend C, who is married, gave me a rose. I only see C once or twice a year. I've only met his wife once. Anyway, C has apparently had a "thing" for me since we first met 5 years ago. Honestly, I've always found him attractive but I don't know if he was married when we met. Of course, I was still with my ex so I wasn't paying attention to stuff like that. Back to this most recent trip though. Halfway through the day (we were both there working at a firefighter's convention) he walks up and hands me a rose. Later on, when I thanked him for it, he said I was "a totally awesome person who deserved it." I'm not really interested in being involved with a married man or in a long distance relationship for that matter but I thought it was interesting. And, maybe this is wrong but it feels good to know that someone is interested or attracted, even if it's a bad situation.

Me Update:

So I've been trying to get out as much as possible and have fun because what's going on at home is so heavy and depressing and takes a toll. I feel guilty for getting out though. I feel guilty for wanting to move... not that I could afford it at the moment though.

My boss is trying to convince me to go back to school or find a service project or something. I know she's trying to help but I'm beginning to feel like a caged animal every time she brings it up. The last time she mentioned it, I told her flat out that I just don't have time right now. She dropped it but I felt guilty.

My closest childhood friend's brother is getting married in October in Buffalo, NY. That's approximately 8 hours away from me. I feel like I owe it to him to be there as he is the closest thing I've ever had to a brother but it's a huge expense that I can't really take on right now. Especially considering that the following weekend I will be in PA for Mary & Bill's wedding, which I'm in. I am SO happy to be a part of Mary & Bill's day, I'm not complaining about that at all. It's just that two out of town weddings in consecutive weekends is a bit much. But you know what? I feel guilty not going.

Am I wrong to feel so much guilt? Where the heck is it all coming from? Why does it seem like there's an endless supply?

Thoughts & Prayers

2006-09-11T08:05:00.000-04:00

It hardly seems possible to me that five years have passed since the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the United States.

While my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who was there as well as those that lost someone on that horrible day, they are also with my friend Bobo.

The doctors found a cancerous mass on Bobo's spine and he underwent surgery this past Friday. It was a 12-hour process but he came out of it well. He goes in for the remainder of the surgery today... actually, he should have gone in about an hour ago. They are trying to remove as much of the cancer as possible with surgery. The last update I got from AIM, one of Bobo's closest friends, is that things are not looking too good. The doctor's gave Bobo a 50/50 chance of survival. Should he make it out okay, he will lose all function in his lower body including the feeling in one leg and will have to undergo radiation.

Please keep Bobo in your thoughts and prayers today. He needs it.

Thank You

2006-08-08T09:51:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for your support! I miss my girl and think about her often but I try to smile when I do... I'm going to compile a list of memories that I'll share with you as soon as it's done.

Rest In Peace My Beautiful Girl

2006-07-26T22:42:00.000-04:00

The vet said the growth was malignant. She could remove it but there would be no guarantee that it wouldn't grow back or that it would stop the bleeding. It was eating away at the roof of AJ's mouth.

We wanted to bring her home so that my dad could have a chance to say good-bye to her. But she collapsed halfway out the door.

I am SO incredibly sad right now. I miss her so much already.

Rest in peace my beautiful baby!!! I love and miss you!

UGH!

2006-07-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

Family Update:

Well, dad is doing pretty well. His spirits are still up and he seems to accept the fact that when he comes home, he’ll have to be bedridden for a while in an attempt not to set him back at square one yet again. Speaking of his homecoming, the doctors are talking about Thursday.

AJ has an appointment with the vet tomorrow because of this growth around her one tooth. There are several large blood blisters there now and they are bleeding quite a bit. I don’t think there’s anything the vet can do for her, without putting her through more surgery. Even though this protruding, bleeding mass doesn’t seem to bother her, it’s heartbreaking to see her leaving a trail of blood wherever she goes.

I swear the two of them are in competition. If it weren’t so serious it would be pretty damn funny.

AIM Update:

He emailed pictures of his older niece, on the 22nd, to a group of people. I replied with, “Great pictures! How’s it going? Love, Me xoxoxo.” He hasn’t responded. I’m sure he’s been busy but how difficult is it to respond with, “Super busy.”?

Is it unreasonable to expect an answer to a direct question?

I have to admit, I’ve been feeling panicky inside since we last spoke. And I’ve been crying a lot lately. A part of me wants to write him a letter or say to him, “Remember how you felt when we first started hanging out? I still feel that way. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.” I had to smile when I remembered the other day that the first time he took me to the local bar, the bartender came over and gave me a hug and a kiss and told me it was nice to meet me because he talked about me all the time. I don’t understand what happened, what changed, what went wrong.

So why am I hanging on? For lack of a better explanation... he consumes me. Lately, I'm thinking that is not such a good thing but when we're together, things are... awesome.

Work Update:

I finally got my “new” computer. The second in command promised me a new computer last year. Somehow that got turned around to my supervisor’s old computer. I don’t really mind. The “new” one is faster and better than the old one so I can’t complain.

My review still has not been done. They should just wait another two months and then do last year’s and this year’s together. At least I’m smart enough to know that I won’t be getting a two-year’s worth raise.

Me Update:

I am tired. No matter how much sleep I get, I feel exhausted. I have always been emotional but I feel the highs and lows are higher and lower than normal these days.

I’ve been trying to walk and pay attention to what I’m eating in a renewed effort to shed some pounds but it doesn’t seem to be working. I NEED it to work though… our dresses for Mary & Bill’s wedding are in. This is one thing that I am extremely excited about. I can hardly wait to get the dress and try it on. I still have to find shoes though. I’ve been striking out so far. Although, now that I think about it, there is one more store near work that I want to try.

As a part of my “Focus on Me Campaign” I want to get back to drawing. I suppose it sort of defeats the purpose of focusing on me, when the first drawing I’m working on is something for AIM. I’ve been kicking this idea around for a while and want to follow through with it. Besides, I haven’t had any other ideas yet.

I’ve also been trying to walk more. On Saturday morning, I did three miles. On Sunday morning, I did three miles. On Sunday evening, I did another three miles. These last few mornings, I’ve set my alarm so that I can get up to the track to do three miles before work but it hasn’t worked. I’ve reset the alarm each morning and stayed in bed. Again, not really helping my campaign.

What Can I Say?

2006-07-20T23:02:00.000-04:00

Well, my dad seems to be doing pretty well. His spirits are great and I'm hoping that will help facilitate the healing process. He has been in a lot of pain but he's a trooper, to say the least. Tomorrow is his and my mom's 33rd wedding anniversary. I hope he's not too upset not to be home for it.

My AJ gave me a little scare tonight. She recently developed an overgrowth of skin around a tooth or what once was a tooth. It got infected and we got her antibiotics and the infection went away but not the overgrowth. The other day, as I was giving her her medication, I noticed that it was starting to grow and to look greenish again. I told my mom and asked her to call the vet and see if we could get more antibiotics without having to bring AJ in. They gave them to us. Well, the green is gone from what I can tell but now there is an enormous blood blister. She had those before so I'm not too concerned. However, as we were taking our evening stroll, she tripped or slid on a pinecone. (Yes, things are that bad.) Anyway, she went down like a ton of bricks. In the process, part of the blood blister broke off. She was bleeding for a while after that but seems okay now. There's a big protrusion on her snout where this thing is but it doesn't seem to phase her. I'm a little freaked out though. Even though I know it's not too far off in the future, I'm never going to be ready to let her go. She's my baby.

I still haven't spoken to AIM. I feel like something is off. However, as I've already stated the first anniversary of his mom's passing was last week, his new niece was born the following day, both of his aunts (from CT and FL) are visiting (I know this only because they were in the pictures he emailed of the new baby) and I'm sure he's been going out at night. I've been good though. I've been strong. Well, in the sense that I haven't emailed, called, text messaged or Instant Messaged him. But I really do miss him.

So I'm stressing over not talking to him and wondering how things are going and if everything's alright, plus what is going on in my life, plus I'm taking on worrying about some of our friends. One girl flew to Texas tonight. She's been planning the trip for a month or so now. She was going to meet a guy she "met" on MySpace and has been talking to for hours each day. I can hardly wait to hear how it goes. I'll admit I'm addicted to MySpace but I'm weary about meeting people on it. Most of my friends on it are people I actually know in real life. Another of our friends just found out her uncle passed away. Apparently he had cancer. She's supposed to go away this weekend but I wonder if she will now. In a way, I hope she does, for her own mental health.

I have been fairly attitude free at work since last weekend. It seems like it's been a lifetime since that conversation! Hopefully by the time they get around to doing my review they'll have forgotten that little snafu. Yesterday, we closed the office at 11 because there was no power. That was cool. I went shopping, had lunch and went to visit my dad early. I couldn't really afford to go shopping but I had a coupon which usually means that I wouldn't find a single thing that I liked even a little. Of course, this time I didn't have that luck. I picked up two pairs of gauchos (finally, I find some that I like and think look decent on me), a bunch of t-shirts (each $7 off the original price) and a little knit-type sweater to go with one of the camis I have. With my coupon I saved $25. Grand total came to around $123. Not too shabby.

Did I mention that I couldn't really afford to go shopping? I thought so. It's just that it makes it kind of funny that I have decided that I absolutely MUST have a digital camera. And I mean soon. Like, it would be wonderful to have it when Mary and Bill get married, which for anyone who doesn't know and does care, is three months from tomorrow. Oh yea. The other thing... I'm going to Germany next spring. My supervisor wants to go visit her family and thought I should go with her. I've never been overseas and never really had any inclination to go, to be honest. But you know what? I'm never going to have this kind of opportunity again so I'm going to take it. I need to start doing that more in my life. Anyway, I'll have to pay airfare and anything that we wind up doing but apparently we'd stay with her family so lodging wouldn't be an issue. I'm kind of excited. Nervous enough that I haven't started to fill out the passport application but still excited... enough to get me to commit to this trip anyway!

My Life Just Keeps Sucking Wind

2006-07-16T21:47:00.000-04:00

Dad update:

An X-ray, taken a few days before he was scheduled to be released from the hospital, showed that my dad had a fractured hip. Hmmm. He's been confined to a hospital bed for 6 weeks and all of a sudden he's got a fracture. And the doctors asked us how it happened. Anyway, a few days after the X-ray, the bone separated and began to jut out of one of his ulcers. Because of the open wound, they couldn't fix the bone with pins or anything and they decided that since he was never going to walk again anyway, they would just remove the part of the bone that was jutting out.

The surgery went well and his spirits are good. Not sure when he's coming home but there's been some talk of this coming week. Frankly, as much as I'd like to have him home, I'm nervous now. I am decent when it comes to assisting him from the bed to the wheelchair, etc. but with this on top of everything else... I'm afraid to do more damage.

AIM update:

So this past Wednesday was the first anniversary of the passing of AIM's mom. The night before, I send him an ecard. The card itself said, "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you." All I added to it was, "Love, Rebecca."

The following afternoon, after I'd gotten home from work, I sent him a text message that said, "Xoxoxo. You know..." Ummm, unfortunately, as usual, the best of my intentions went to pot. I was walking the dog when I sent the text message and before I closed the phone I tried to fix the leash. All of a sudden, I looked down to the phone and it was calling him. I knew I couldn't hang up, since it would show my phone number and I was relieved when he didn't answer. I didn't leave a message.

But as the minutes wore on I grew increasingly upset with myself and the whole situation. That evening I wrote him a quick email that said (basically): "Hey. I owe you an apology. I didn't mean to be intrusive or "in your face". I just wanted to remind you that you and your family are in my thoughts today (and every day). I'm sorry if I made a hard day harder. Love, Rebecca".

Not surprisingly, he didn't respond. I haven't spoken to him in days. Tuesday night was the last time we chatted. I'm trying to just give him some space right now. Unfortunately for me, I miss him.

I went out Friday night with some girls that I met through him. We met up with some of the guys and he was supposed to be there but never showed. Now, it was a difficult week for him because of his mom, I'm sure. Plus you add onto that that he wasn't feeling well (according to multiple friends who had spoken to him) and the fact that his new niece was just born on Thursday morning (he emailed a few pictures to a bunch of us that day) but I was still disappointed not to see him. I even dressed up in a new outfit (for him). *Sigh*

Me Update:

So Friday night, the girls I met up with were going to pick someone else up at the train station. I stayed behind with one of AIM's very good friends. The girls asked, on their way to the car, if we needed anything when they came back. He replied, "yea, a blond around 5 foot 7." The answer he got from them was, "you've got one right next to you." He looked at me then and said, "yea, but she's spoken for." I was floored. I'm spoken for? Since when? A few seconds later, when I was finally able to spew forth some words, I said, "um, no, not exactly." (I'm extremely bright and operate well under pressure, can you tell?) He just looked back at me very coolly and said, "yea... yea, you're spoken for." Hmmmm... interesting to hear but also sort of not what I needed to hear. Ya know? Although, he did tell me online the other night that he doesn't know what AIM is thinking because I'm "the prettiest and most normal girl he's dated". Hahaha! His friend obviously doesn't know me that well to think that I'm normal!!!!

So yes, between all of this and AIM not showing up (and my very nonchalant glances every 10 seconds over my shoulder to look for him) I was on edge a bit. But I still enjoyed myself (as much as I could). Sunday was better. I met up with some people from work and we attended a free concert of the New York Philharmonic in a local park. My supervisor and I got there around 3:30 and staked out a place. Everyone else started arriving around 4:30-5:00. That afternoon was the most relaxed and worry free I've felt in a long time.

Of course, I learned, after my supervisor had had about a bottle and a half of wine, that some of the other staff are complaining about me because I have an attitude. Well, jeez... it's not like my dad has been in the hospital for most of this year. It's not like I work 9-5 Monday through Friday with hardly any recognition but have to sit there silently and watch the rest of the staff come and go as they please. Or that I'm expected to drop everything every time someone else has something stupid for me to do.

I told her, after she'd informed me of the complaints, that I know it (my attitude) is unacceptable but that I get frustrated. Everyone else says and does what they please and no one says a thing to them. I'm having a hard time and get frustrated a little easier than I should and all of a sudden I'm a bitch. Honestly, we have one staff member who made a comment to another staff member that was so inappropriate it prompted a sexual harassment seminar. And not more than two weeks later, that same person got a promotion and presumably a raise. It's like there are no consequences for anyone else. I come to work, do my job and whatever else is asked of me but get bitched at for having an attitude. WTF?!

Multi-Part Rant

2006-07-04T14:46:00.000-04:00

Where Do I Start?

Part I

Part I deals with my dad. He was supposed to come home yesterday but plans changed. The doctor ordered x-rays and found out that dad has a fractured hip. When did this happen? No one knows. Dad has very little feeling below the waist and hasn’t been in pain.

I feel so bad that he’s has been stuck in the hospital. This is the third time, I think, that he was supposed to come home and had some sort of set back. The poor man hasn’t been out of his bed, except for treatment, at all in the last 5 weeks. He wants to go outside. He wants to come home. I can’t blame him.

Part II

*Sigh*

AIM didn’t go to the party A invited him to and he said he’d go to on Sunday. A was pissed at him. Well, she says she was pissed and to a degree I believe her but I think she was more hurt than anything. I wasn’t mad about it but I was disappointed, as I always look forward to seeing him.

I was hurt because I had gotten a rude email from him that morning. I had sent a forwarded message along… I didn’t know if it was a true story and I didn’t care because it was more about kindness in people. Anyway, he replied with, “do not send me this bull shit.” I didn’t know if I should take it personally or not therefore I didn’t respond.

Anyway, after that email and not showing up to the party (and going out with another friend after you told A you’d definitely be at her party as long as your back didn’t hurt) I didn’t expect to hear from AIM for at least three days. I was wrong. He IMed me yesterday and completely took me off guard. Because I didn’t expect to hear from him so soon and because I was online doing stuff and didn’t even know he had signed on until he messaged me. I was a little short and couldn’t talk long anyway because I had lost track of time and was going to visit my dad.

My stomach is in knots. This is what I don’t miss about having a big group of friends. There are so many hurt feelings right now and I see it getting worse before it gets better.

Part III

What do I like about AIM?

I feel good around him and enjoy myself when I’m with him. I’m comfortable with him. I like it when he kisses me unexpectedly, when he holds my hand, when he looks at me like I’m the coolest girl in the world. I love it when we tease one another. I love his generosity, his thoughtfulness, his spirit. I love his potential.

What don’t I like about AIM?

It’s more things that he does/doesn’t do that I don’t like. For example, he hardly ever asks about my dad. He knows my dad is in the hospital and isn’t doing so well but he rarely asks. (In part I can’t blame him, it is coming up on a year since his own mom passed away but in part, it upsets me that he doesn’t ask.)

I am worried about him spending so much time with the people he spends the majority of his time with. They are nice people. They do some stuff that I don’t want be involved in and I just don’t want to see him be a part of. I’m not saying I want to see him ditch his friends… but… well, I guess I’d like to see him strive for more out of his life. It’s almost like he’s comfortable and knows what to expect so he’s not going to reach for more. (Of course, I realize I’m not one to talk on this topic.)

It's Going To Be Tough

2006-06-22T08:34:00.000-04:00

I sounded strong in my last entry, don't you think?

Shortly after I posted it, AIM started Instant Messaging me as if everything were perfectly normal and nothing was mentioned about Monday. I talked to him for a while but I was cool. I was nowhere near as friendly as I usually am with him.

Even though I managed to be cool towards him, I realized how difficult it's going to be to stick to my guns. Especially if he acts affectionate towards me. I think it might be best to keep our time together to a minimum.

I Feel Like A Bad Soap Opera

2006-06-21T14:29:00.000-04:00

I feel all kinds of stupid drama and quite honestly, feel kind of like an idiot writing about a lot of this stuff. Not only that but I feel like I have multiple personalities. I show one here, one on MySpace and one in real life. I feel for those of you that know me all three ways!

Today, while I was bored at work, I found this article and I wanted to share as it helped with my process of enlightenment:

Make the best of your breakup

By Elsa Simcik

It's been two months since my friend Lauren's boyfriend, Chris, broke up with her. Sure, she sulked for awhile, even got into the ice cream a bit. But now that she's ready to move on (which she proved by taking down her dart-infested photo of Chris off her wall), she's setting some new standards.

You see, Lauren's using her breakup as a learning experience. After all, why make that year with Chris all for nothing? "I refuse to let a failure go without squeezing out an answer from it," says Greg Behrendt, co-author of It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. And you can (and should!) do the same. Here, some post-breakup questions to ask that can make your broken heart much smarter.

What did I like about him?

Now, don't turn this into a sap-fest, but just consider the traits that drew you to him in the first place and realize which ones you still value. "Even though it didn't work out between my ex-boyfriend and me - he never wanted to get married, I did - I loved how he was such a gentleman, always opening my door and standing up when I left the table," admits Chelsea Fredrickson, 28, of Nashville. So now Chelsea can put 'chivalry' down as a requirement for her new guy.

What didn't I like about him?

Grab a couple of girlfriends for this one. "They'll welcome that conversation," says Behrendt. Was he possessive? Arrogant? A cheese snob? Once you identify traits that turn you off, you can nip the next relationship in the bud before you spend another year with someone who says things like, "Sliced cheese" Puh-lease!? Seriously: If you bought a car without power steering, you'd never make that mistake again. What didn't I like about me with him? Behrendt recommends that you 'go back and look at the whole thing and try to see it as it is.' [Ask yourself], "What was my part?" Maybe he was demeaning, but your part was that you put up with it. So as long as you have your friends over for the boyfriend-bashing game, go ahead and ask them if you changed when you were with him. Were you a bit of a snob when you were together? Too eager to please him? Too busy with your guy to do your best at work? Once you figure out your mistakes, you can say, "Never again!"

How did my relationship with him affect other relationships?

Did you abandon your friends once he came into your life? And when you broke up, did you call them and ask, "So where are we going tonight?" as if you'd hung out with them the whole time? Oops. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in relationships we push our other priorities down the list, including our friends and families. "My family didn't like my boyfriend (and now I see why), so I didn't attend Thanksgiving at their house for two years in a row," admits Tina Sauer, 26, of Pittsburgh. Now's a good time to take stock and vow not to go down that path in your next relationship.

What would I do differently?

Everybody knows that "what ifs" can consume you, and if you're not over the breakup yet, you should hold off on this exercise. But if you're ready, thinking about what you would have done differently could be an enlightening experience."

"I dated a guy for three years and there was always drama," says Christine Finke, 33, of Houston, "He would pick fights for no reason. But I would never break up with him because I was scared of being alone. After he finally broke up with me, I realized I should have done it a long time ago." Now that Christine's free of her drama king, she's vowed that she'll never stay in a contaminated relationship just for the sake of having a boyfriend: "I'm so much happier now. I could have been this happy a year ago if I had spoken up!" she admits. Understanding that you can play a more active role in how relationships unfold is a lesson definitely worth learning.

The power of perspective

Asking and answering these questions can be one powerful tool. Behrendt says, "When you look back at the relationship and you have some clarity, you may realize there were maybe five things you liked about the person and 15 things you didn't like at all."

Plus, you may notice that there were always some clues. Behrendt says to ask yourself, "What were the things they said at the beginning?" For instance, if you were with the "I'm-not-so-sure-about-this-marriage-idea" guy before, you know that being a "Well-maybe-I-can-change-his-mind" girl doesn't work.

It's up to you: Your breakup can be excruciating or educational. But, really, listing everything that was wrong with your ex-boyfriend (and learning from it) sounds so much more appealing than listening to another encore of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." Don't you agree?

Elsa Simcik is a freelance writer in Dallas, TX. Besides MSN.com Dating and Personals, Elsa has contributed to Women's Health & Fitness, Men's Edge and For Me magazine.

How does this relate to me?

I have decided that AIM and I can no longer do the "friends with benefits" thing. He doesn't know it yet, nor do I plan on telling him with words. I plan on showing him with actions. There will be no more nookie. And I have to say that this is HUGE for me because I really enjoy the nookie with him.

Last night I finished reading Why Men Marry Bitches. It was a great book. I found myself cringing at some of the things I've done and patting myself on the back for others. Maybe it was reading this book and maybe it was that coupled with this inevitable buildup of frustration that brought about this decision.

What it boils down to is that I care for him but I care for myself too. I am not interested in casual sex without strings (aka a relationship that isn't going anywhere). I got caught up hoping that he'd change his mind again and want a relationship but I've accepted that this is probably not going to happen, at least not as long as I don't carry on with my own life and see what is out there.

My ex used to always tell me that there were better jobs out there with better benefits etc. I found out he was right and am going to apply that same theory to my love life.

So, if it's meant to be with AIM then he will come around and it will be. If not, I still have a friend... for now at least. I recently got an email that people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime. At the moment, I hope he's in my life for the long haul but time will tell me that.

In the meantime, I think I'm going to take another break from men. I want to focus on my exercise, on what is going on at home and on having some fun. I'll see what happens.

The strange thing is that I feel more confident these days. I'm not sure why but I'm not questioning it!

Good-Bye Fat Ass!

2006-06-20T18:16:00.000-04:00

Step One on the road to kissing my fat ass good-bye has been accomplished!

Not only have I switched from 2% milk to SkimPlus, I cut down on the amount of cereal I had at breakfast this morning, got a salad with considerably fewer goodies on/in it than usual, got a PowerBar for a snack and had - in a moment of weakness - only one chocolate chip cookie, half coated in chocolate. Then I even got my rear end into my workout clothes, over to the gym and exercised!

I feel good. I mean, I'm tired and have a headache. And I'm slightly nauseous from all the water I drank today but otherwise I feel really good.

Oh!!! And I ordered a new workout DVD collection. If a sucker is born every day, then I was born today. But at least I didn't say I wanted the free weight loss supplement that I had to pay for.

So, I'm not sure, maybe I'm just fed up or maybe this book - Why Men Marry Bitches - is helping me out. I feel more confident. Don't get me wrong, I'm still irritated that AIM still hasn't called or even emailed me to apologize for not calling me back yesterday but I'm taking a step back. For example, he is online right now but I have my away message on and I don't plan on taking it off before I sign off. Vindictive? Yes. Childish? Yes. Validated? Hell yea.

Blah Blah Blah

2006-06-19T20:10:00.000-04:00

Well, there's not a whole lot going on here. I took a half day from work because I had a doctor's appointment. It was nothing big, just a routine checkup. Now, originally, for some reason, I thought my appointment was for 2 even though I wrote down 3. I called this morning and confirmed that it was for 3.

I left work at 1 and called one of my closest friends who works near my doctor's office and got her to meet me for lunch. It was a short visit but good. When she headed back to work, I headed to the doctor figuring that if I arrived early, hopefully they'd see me early.

They took me into the room about 25 minutes before my scheduled time and I thought this was great. Blood pressure - good. Weight - not so good, but not so bad either. With everything that's been going on this year I either don't have the time to exercise or if I have the time I don't have the energy. At my weight loss peak I was down 49.5 pounds. I have gained 20 pounds back. I'm not happy but I'm regaining my focus and planning to work it off again. And, honestly, I was afraid I had gained more back.

The room I was in was small and the AC was cranking. Here I sat sans pants under a paper sheet for 20 minutes. The doctor finally comes in, does a two minute exam and tells me to have a good day! Talk about frustrating!

Originally I had planned to try to get together with AIM tonight so when I left the doctor I called him. I didn't get an answer so I left messages at home and on the cell. I still haven't heard from him. The thing is that I'm not freaking out about this. He had an MRI today and when we spoke last night, I said if he was up to it, I'd come visit for a while. So I'm sure that he is probably drugged up and asleep. At least, I hope that's what it is and that it's nothing more serious.

Turned out though that it wasn't a big deal. My doctor's office is near the hospital my dad is in so I went and hung out with him for a few hours.

Nothing too interesting but that was my day and I felt like sharing!

Bizarre

2006-06-17T08:38:00.000-04:00

This morning I had a message from A online that, summed up, said she and T ditched another one of our friends also and that she (A) had a bad night, which she would tell me about later.

I responded that I was frustrated with the evening because I wanted to go out but that the waiting is what gets me. I also told her that by the time I got her last message I had only just finished dinner (completely true, by the way) and that I had gotten involved in a bunch of things at home (true but I had abandoned all of those things for the night when I sat down to eat). I brushed it off as unimportant though I did let her know that it bothered me... even if it was only a subtle hint.

Is it wrong that I'm sort of glad she had a bad time? Although, I don't thik she had an overall bad night... I think her bad time revolves around a guy. We'll see I guess.

I feel a little better about it this morning. Now I'm doing laundry and running errands before going to visit dad.

Sometimes It's Easier Not Having Friends

2006-06-16T21:17:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life is easier without friends. When I was in high school I had a group of friends that I spent virtually all of my time with. There was the core group which was extended when core members brought in others. It was a lot of fun. We would meet, usually at my house, every weekend and determine what the plan was for at least that night or day. One nice thing was that everyone had a say in what the plans would be.

After a while, when some people (myself included) went away to college while others stayed behind and when some of the core found serious relationships while others did not, things changed and the core broke up. Some of them I no longer speak to, some I speak to infrequently and others I speak to on a regular basis. Graduations, marriages, babies and relocations have all played a part in our dissipation as can only be expected (though at one point in my naivete I think I thought we'd be a core group forever).

Since that core group began to break up, my life has been through some dramatic changes, many of which you have been there to support me through.

I was excited to be introduced to some of the core members of AIM's life, especially when they seemed to embrace me. As I mentioned recently, I had started to develop a close relationship with a girl I will call "A". I recently used the word betrayal to describe my feelings about something I shared with her getting back to the people it concerned. I gave A the benefit of the doubt though, figuring that she didn't think it was something I would be shared and/or that she didn't think it would get back to AIM.

About a week ago A invited me to join her and T at an event tonight. I was honest with her when I said that my dad might be released from the hospital today and therefore I may be needed at home. All week I kept her posted. I let her know that I didn't have any news from the doctors and apologized, letting her know that I felt bad for not being able to give her an answer. I told her I don't like keeping people hanging and she said it was okay, she understood. This morning, I informed her that my dad was not in fact going to be discharged today and that I would be joining her and T.

I was looking forward to a night out with the girls where I didn't have to be out of the house the next morning at 7 and was even more excited when I found out that AIM might be going to the same event. During the day A told me that she and T were going out to dinner first (A was off today, I'm not sure about T) but that she'd let me know what time they planned to get to the event. This was fine with me as I work a fair distance from them and had to come home first to feed and walk the dog. Also during the day I learned that AIM had changed his plans and would not be attending the same function. I was disappointed but wasn't about to back out.

A had informed me this morning that she and T planned to be at the event by 6 tonight. I wound up getting out of work an hour early but would have still only been able to meet them around 6:30.

Here's the back and forth (cell phone text messaging) between A and myself:

From A @ 4:59: Change of plans. We aren't going.

From Me @ 5:00: Oh.

From A @ 5:01: Gonna go out in [your area] somewhere. U wanna come?

Called A's cell phone @ 5:02 and left a voicemail.

From Me @ 5:34: Call me and let me know what's going on.

From A @ 6:15: I was in shower. Not sure yet. On my way to [T's]. I'll let you know.

From A @ 8:40: We are at [bar] in [town]

From Me @ 8:52: Got involved with stuff. Have fun, "hi" to everyone, talk to you later. :-)

Maybe I'm being too freaking sensitive... because we know that is totally possible... but it felt like they didn't want me to hang out. I mean... you were in the shower for an hour and a half? Come on. And wouldn't it have been better had she contacted me in between 6:15 and 8:40 and said something like, "this is where we're thinking of going. Want to meet us there? Or meet us at T's?"

Anyway, I'm sort of upset about this because I feel stupid and because I didn't visit my dad today because I made these plans. I feel like a jerk for multiple reasons. At least if you don' t have friends you don't have to worry about this sort of stuff. I know this is a little dramatic but I needed to vent and maybe get some other people's opinions.

Dieting Dilemmas

2006-06-12T08:33:00.000-04:00

Remember last summer? Remember how good I was doing with the gym and walking and losing weight and feeling good? I do too.

I haven't had the time to do that kind of stuff these last few months. I know some die hard exercise junkies would say that I just didn't make the time. That I could have woken up early to go before work, or brought lunch to work so that my hour break could be spent walking or working out, etc. and I suppose to some extent this is true.

Regardless, I've been feeling fat. My clothes still fit so if I've gained anything back it hasn't been too much. Still, I was doing SO good for a while. Point being, I've decided that I need to get back on track.

I had the bright idea that I needed something to give me a jumpstart when I saw an infomercial for something called the Hardcore Diet Pill. Well, I checked it out online and wasn't impressed. There was something hinky about it. Last night, I sat there watching an infomercial for an exercise video/DVD called Turbo Jam. It guarantees that you lose 10 pounds and 10 inches in your first week. It looks pretty crazy and I'm debating it. Of course, I didn't make it to see what the cost is but it was worth considering.

On Mondays, on my way to work, I stop at the grocery store for cereal and milk and I have breakfast at work. This morning, I detoured through the diet aisle and looked at the Dexatrim Max, something else I had seen the commercial for recently. You get 100 pills and take one tablet one to two times a day. Simple. I can do that. Then I look at the price. $24.00. It went right back on the shelf and I continued on with my original mission.

I suppose that anything worth having is worth paying for and had it been half that price, I would have made the purchase. But it seemed like an awful lot of money. So I have clothes here at work to work out in. Now I just need to get to the gym and/or walk.

In connection with my last post, is it wrong for me to put myself first for a change? I know I can do this but I need to focus... does that make me selfish?

Fear

2006-06-11T19:51:00.000-04:00

I had a small epiphany today. Yes, I know that epiphanies are supposed to be big... but this is something that I've been running from for a while and finally I just let the idea sink in and I contemplated it for a while.

My fear is that I have a dark soul... that I am a horrible, selfish and rotten person at the core.

I try to be a good person and keep the feelings of others in mind. I try to consider the consequences of my actions prior to taking action. But I always feel like I hurt the people I care for or let them down.

Am I masquerading as a good person when in fact I'm not? Have I gotten so good at it that I don't know which I am anymore?

I've lived my life in fear. In fear of hurting or disappointing people, in fear of succeeding, in fear of failing, in fear of changing, just plain in fear. So much so that I haven't really lived.

Have I just announced to the world... or the few people that still read my blog anyway... the reason why I am a 30 year old college graduate who is single and living with my parents while working at a poor paying job? Hmmm...

I'm still here!!!!

2006-06-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

Wow. It's been such a long time since I've been on here, even to check in with my friends, that I'm not quite sure where to start. I guess I'll start at home and work my way out.

Shortly after my cousins went back to Florida my dad wound up back in the hospital. It wasn't a long stay but it took a toll on all of us. He came home and things were looking good. My grandmother (his mother) and my aunt (his sister) came, from Florida, for a 10-day visit. At first I was a little insulted that they chose to stay in a hotel but it made the visit easier on everyone. It was a good visit. They did their best to support my mom emotionally and spend time with my dad. Three nights before they left, my dad had a bad night. The day was hard on him only in that he hadn't slept well and was beginning to feel a little down in the dumps. The following night was worse. When the nurse came to change the dressing she didn't like the way the wounds looked and he was running a fever. She suggested he go to the hospital and he did, however, he went to a different hospital.

Previously, he had been admitted at the local Veterans' Hospital. After his discharge he began being transported to his doctor's appointments via ambulette. The last time he came home from an appointment, there was another man in the ambulette who told him of a hospital that has a wound care center. We know the hospital and as it turns out, it's closer to home. He went to the emergency room a little over a week ago and they admitted him. It looks like he may be discharged on Friday and then would have to go back twice a week to the wound care center for treatment.

I've got my fingers crossed that these doctors are able to heal these wounds because his spirit is suffering.

In other news, I feel betrayed by a new friend. I met her through AIM (yes, he's still a part of my life). At first, I tried not to talk to her about my feelings for him but it became difficult not to and I felt I could trust her. About a month ago I confessed to her that I was curious if AIM had ever been involved with another one of their female friends. The other night on the phone, AIM told me that I should be careful what I say to her and when I was confused about why he would say this to me, he told me that this had gotten back to him. However, the way it got back to him was that I was worried that they had something going on... as in currently. I told him what I had actually said and thanked him for citing an example for me. I feel betrayed and know now that I need to hold back with this friend and that hurts me because it was good to talk to someone that knows AIM. It's great to get the opinions of people that don't know him but sometimes it's better to get the opinions of those that do.

Anyway, AIM was recently in a car accident. He was lucky. He got broadsided but walked away without major injuries. When I found out I was upset but it was late and I figured he'd have gotten pain medication and would be sleeping so I sent him a message online. He called me at work the next morning and after a few minutes he said he would call me later or I could call him. I did call but he was on his way out and said he'd call me later. As it turned out, we chatted online that night.

The next day we both worked. Me for the t-shirt people and him for the collectibles guy. When AIM walked in all I wanted to do was race over, throw my arms around him and hold him. I was afraid to hurt him though so I kept myself under control. I had gotten a little lawn ornament for him and had brought it to that show so I called him off to the side and gave it to him. He chuckled, said it was cute and that I was funny, thanked me and then leaned down and kissed me very sweetly in front of everyone. That's the first time he's kissed me in front of the people we work for though they all know that we dated for a while and still spend time together. Later on, it was slow at both of our booths so I walked over to him and we were just talking, flirting and enjoying each other's company. Out of the blue, he kissed me again... in front of everyone. He kissed me for a third time, in front of everyone, when he left. This particular show is the show where he first inquired about me last year. And, as it turns out, today is the one year anniversary of when we introduced ourselves to one another.

It seems strange that it's been a year. On one hand it seems like I just met him. I've been feeling very shy around him lately. On the other hand, it feels like I've known him forever.

When we spoke on the phone a few nights ago I made sort of a confession to him. I told him that I knew he knew that I care for him and find him special but that I'm not sure if he realizes how much I feel these things. I also told him that when I found out about his accident I did sort of panic because I got a glimpse of what my life would be like without him in it and I didn't like it. I also told him that I knew it was awkward for me to say this to him, that I wasn't intentionally putting him on the spot, but that I wanted him to know how I felt. He didn't offer up similar feelings (nor did I expect him to... or even want him to at that particular moment) but he also didn't all of a sudden have to get off the phone. We continued to talk for another hour and it was really nice.

Well, I have to get ready to visit dad so that's going to be all from me today. I'll try to be on here again this week!

"Sun"day

2006-04-30T17:21:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I recently said I was going to be more upbeat on here and I'm not about to back down on that just yet. Two of my cousins from Florida were here from Thursday until today. It was a short but good visit. They came up to visit my parents really since I saw them in February and will be heading down to see them again on Wednesday!

My dad was discharged from the hospital on Thursday, which was nice. I think he pushed because he didn't want them to see him in the hospital. I can't blame him for that but I'll admit that I had my doubts about him leaving then. However, with each day at home he seems more and more like himself. What a relief.

Anyway, the cousins left early this morning so I said good-bye and went to the track where I walked three miles. It's been a while since I've been able to go up there so I did have to push myself to go around twice but I did it. Afterwards, I came home and AJ and I went into the backyard where I was sunbathing and she was napping in the shade. It was quite pleasant. I got a little burnt though and will have to make sure to keep my skin extra moisturized so that I'm not peeling for the wedding this weekend!

Other than that I've just been catching up on laundry and trying to clean up some. I opened up Microsoft Word earlier to try to put down some ideas that I've thought about developing into a short story and, rather expectedly, I went blank. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

I have a lot of plans. I'd like to get back into exercising on a regular basis (which I think I can do now that dad is home and AJ is doing well), I want to get back to writing and I want to get back to losing some weight. It's time now to just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and focus on what I want. From there, I should be able to get moving toward those goals.

"This Is My Last Entry"

2006-04-25T09:10:00.000-04:00

This is not my last entry. I have the name of this post in quotes because it's the name of the article I wanted to share with you from slate.com. So, here it is.

This Is My Last Entry
Why I shut down my blog.
By Sarah Hepola
Posted Wednesday, April 19, 2006, at 12:24 PM ET

One morning last month, I woke early, finished a book I'd been reading, and shut down my blog. I had kept the blog for nearly five years, using it as a repository for personal anecdotes, travelogues, and the occasional flight of fiction—all of which I hoped, eventually, might lead to a novel. And then, somewhere between the bedsheets and 6 a.m., I realized something: Blogging wasn't helping me write; it was keeping me from it.

I had come to this realization before, but the moment would pass, and I would find myself percolating with small, quotidian stories that I wanted to share: This funny thing happened on the subway; you'll never believe what so-and-so said. Not revelations by any means, but I live alone, and blogging was a way to vent the daily ups and downs that might otherwise be told to the cat. Also, I couldn't help but notice—even the cat couldn't help but notice—the growing number of successful bloggers-turned-novelists. They were sexy, dishy women with pseudonyms, Wonkette and Opinionista, like they were dispatching from behind enemy lines. I was starting to feel like the only one left in the blogosphere without a book deal.

Actually, agents and editors had contacted me before, based on my blog as well as the writing I did for an online magazine called TheMorningNews.org. At the time, I was living in Dallas, and to be e-mailed by an actual New York agent felt like the 21st-century equivalent of being discovered at the mall. The e-mails were flattering, but, ultimately, they all asked the same annoying question: Have you written a book? Apparently, this was a requirement. When I told them I hadn't, they moved on to the next blogger with potential, and I was left back in the mall where they'd found me, riffling through the sale at Hot Topic.

That is not a complaint. The arrival of such correspondence far exceeded my expectations when I started the blog in 2001, back when the word blog was still something you had to ease into conversation, like an obscure scientific term. I started the site at the beginning of a four-month trip to South America. I told only a handful of people, and the privacy of the blog—the illusion of privacy, that is—was the best thing I'd done for my writing since shelving the thesaurus.

Just prior to that, I'd been writing for an alt-weekly in Austin, Texas. What began as a great job had curdled into an anxiety nightmare. I would burn to write a certain profile and then, deadline looming, I would stare at the computer as another beautiful Saturday ticked away. I can remember crossing the street one night and thinking, absently, "If I got run over by a car, I wouldn't have to finish that story!" Don't get me wrong—I didn't want to die. I just wanted a really long extension. Thus my decision to leave the job. Thus my journey to the southern hemisphere. Thus the blog that I started, thinking no one would read it and secretly hoping they would. The blog was the perfect bluff for a self-conscious writer like me who yearned for the spotlight and then squinted in its glare. When I needed to pretend that people were reading, I could. When I needed to pretend that nobody was reading, I could. (For this reason, I never checked the reader stats on my blog, unlike most of my friends, who check it as regularly as their e-mail.)

Eventually, I began enjoying my writing again. I stopped worrying about deadlines, audience, editors, letters to the editor, all the stuff that had smothered me before. I was writing so fast that I didn't have time to double-think my sentence structure or my opinions. What came out was sloppier but also funnier and more honest. I started getting e-mails from people I'd never met, and they were actually encouraging. (At the paper, it seemed like most e-mails from strangers begin with a variant of "Hey, dumbass.") I continued blogging for years, through cities and jobs and relationships, and though the blog entries never amounted to much, they always gave me a fleeting joy, like conquering some small feat—opening a very difficult, tightly sealed jar—even when no one is around to see it.

And yet every once in a while those agents would check in, to ask how that book was coming. And the book wasn't coming, and wasn't coming, and I became one of those people who talk about a book but never write it. At times, I started to feel that jokes and scenarios and turns of phrase were my capital, and that my capital was limited, and each blog entry was scattering more of it to the wind, pissing away precious dollars and cents in the form of punch lines I could never use again, not without feeling like a hack. You know: "How sad. She stole that line from her own blog."

Blogging had been the ideal run-up to a novel, but it had also become a major distraction. I would sit down to start on my novel only to come up with five different blog entries. I thought of them as a little something-something to whet the palate—because it was easier, more immediately satisfying, because I could write it, and post it, and people would say nice things about it, and I could go to bed feeling satisfied. But then I would wake feeling less than accomplished because a blog wasn't a whole story told from beginning to end. I had shelves lined with other people's prose while my best efforts were buried on a Web site somewhere, underneath a lot of blah-blah about American Idol and my kitty cat.

I suspect I'll come back to blogging eventually. It will be something I quit on occasion, like whiskey and melted cheese, when the negative effects outweigh the benefits. Practically every blogger I know has taken their site down at some point—for personal reasons, for business reasons, for boredom reasons. It's no different from the way we have to turn off our cell phones or stop checking e-mail so that we can actually focus on something. As much as I loved writing online, it's a relief writing offline: taking time to let a story unspool, to massage a sentence over an afternoon's walk, to stew for days—weeks, even—on a plot line. What a modern luxury. Now, if I could just turn off the TV, I think I could finally get started.

Sarah Hepola is a freelance writer living in Brooklyn, New York.

T.G.I.F.

2006-04-21T17:56:00.000-04:00

Okay, this is just a whole bunch of new random thoughts that started with Thank God It's Friday! Tomorrow morning I'm getting my hair cut and highlighted. I'm pretty excited about this because even though I have loved my hair with the low and highlights this winter, I wasn't crazy about the way it looked in pictures. After I get my hair done, I'm going to visit my dad in the hospital and then I'm going to a party with AIM. I'm just as excited to see his/my new friends A & J-- the ones we went to dinner with right before the proverbial shit hit the fan between us. A & J are both very cool ladies and A and I are developing a really good friendship. I'm excited about this because all of my close girlfriends are married or involved or live far away. I miss having girlfriends that you can randomly go out with.

My boss let me leave today at 4 since it was slow. I stopped and picked up dog food and stopped into a nearby clothing store too. I wasn't expecting to find anything but I found a beautiful girly-girl top, which I bought for $15. Equally as exciting is that I paid cash for it! Now, I just need someplace to wear it! See, it's pretty but it really needs--in my opinion-- a jacket or sweater to go over it because it shows quite a bit of skin. However, I think I should pair it with a nice pair of jeans too... in beige... which I don't currently own. Kudos to me for getting the top at such a great price but now getting the rest of the outfit is going to cost me! Oh well, it'll be very pretty for the summer so I think it's worth it.

Sometimes I really frustrate myself. I had a great thought today... I guess it's been floating around in my head for a while but it felt like an epiphany today. I think I'd like to write a short story. Eventually a book, but I'll start small and work my way up. I have the material I need right here in my very own blog. I think it could be good. I just need to do it now.

I know I've mentioned before that I have a profile on MySpace. I changed it a while back to say that I'm looking for friends and dating. Every once in a while I would get a friend request or a message from someone I didn't know. Most of them I would read and ignore because they were businesses or individuals who use Internet speak so much that they just sound dumb. I recently changed my picture-- it's not revealing but I'm wearing a very low cut v-neck top-- all of a sudden a LOT of people are viewing my page and sending messages. I'm still weeding out the ones that I'm not interested in, which honestly seems to be most of them. However, I am talking to one new guy. He seems okay. We'll see what happens.

Random Ramblings

2006-04-20T14:44:00.000-04:00

Let me start this post by saying that I know I am at fault for losing the vast majority of my readership via my boring life and weeks when I seem to go among the missing. For those of you that do still check in with me, a big fat THANK YOU to you. Even though I'm not on here as much as I want to be, I still love all of you!

I'll start off my rambling thoughts by telling you all how freaking exhausted I am. I went from a single woman with nary a care in the world to more or less a mother of three (mother, father, dog) overnight. Dad is still in the hospital. He's recovering well and the doctors are planning on sending him home on May 5th. I'm excited about this but a little apprehensive as well since I will be in Florida at that time.

My mom is still driving me crazy. She's not doing anything. Okay, there are some but VERY few exceptions. For the most part, everything is falling on me. I don't mind doing stuff but I get frustrated when it all falls on me on top of my job and she's home all day long with plenty of time to get stuff done. Jen had suggested, after reading one of my earlier posts, that I move out. I would love to, however, I am still at my parents' home to help them as much as for my own financial reasons. I had been doing okay with saving money until dad went into the hospital and gas prices skyrocketed. Unfortunately, I don't have any friends who are financially able or willing to room together and, honestly, I can't see the point of paying someone else's mortgage and not having anything to really call my own. A "cozy" apartment here is going for a minimum of $900. And those are usually the apartments in houses. Complexes are a minimum of $1200. Now, I should make it clear that I do pay a small rent, I pay all of my own bills, do my own laundry, help around the house, etc. I may be mooching somewhat by still living there but I'm mooching less than some of my friends in the same situation.

Moving on, AJ is doing well. We did have a scare Monday night. She came home from the vet (after having blood taken to check the levels of anti-seizure medication in her system) and could not walk. I had to lift her 100-pound rear end off the floor for her. But my girl didn't give up. She kept trying and by morning she was doing much better and could get up on her own though it took her a little while. By last night she was chasing me through the house.

I ordered my dress for Mary's wedding yesterday. I'm excited. It's a beautiful dress and I think the color will be great for me. I was surprised when I called the store to order the dress though and they said they were going to send me a contract. Is this something that all places (outside of NY) do? I've never heard of it. I left Mary a voicemail mentioning it and she returned the message to tell me the contract says that the store is not responsible if I lose or gain a lot of weight by the time the wedding rolls around and the dress doesn't fit right and they're not responsible for it if the wedding does not happen. Is it just me? But, duh! This is all common sense stuff. Of course I'm going to sign it, it just seemed a little... well, silly to me. I suppose someone may have tried to sue them previously, in which case you can't blame them for having this contract. Honestly, they do put warnings on hair dryers that you shouldn't use while in water so...

The only other thing that's really up here is that I'm feeling funky. But it seems lately like if I write on blogger it's because I'm funky. Oh. Wait. I was funky when I started this blog. Well, I'm going to try to have more upbeat posts from now on. If you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know why! Just kidding. I swear I'm going to try to be better.

Happy Easter!

2006-04-16T14:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter everyone!

Things here are okay. The dog has an appointment tomorrow where they will take blood to determine if she's getting the right dosage of medicine. Hopefully she is and will be able to be left alone, at least for short periods of time, again.

Dad is doing well too. The doctors are even talking about letting him come home in the next few weeks. Yay!

Two of my cousins are coming up at the end of the month to visit and then a few days after they head back to Florida, I will be heading down there for their brother's wedding.

I spent some time outside today trying to get a little bit of a tan. It didn't work too well but it's a start.

Anyway, Happy Easter everyone!

Happy Anniversary

2006-04-08T10:20:00.000-04:00

Happy Anniversary to me! Yep, that's right. I've officially been at this blogging thing for a year. When I had started my plan was to write at least once a day. Obviously that hasn't worked. Oh well. Maybe that'll change in year two.

Anyway, just a few brief thoughts before I get ready to do errands and head to the hospital...

AJ seems to be doing much better and is getting used to the medication. I think I'll start sleeping in my bed again instead of on the floor with her since she keeps ditching me in the middle of the night for the kitchen.

Dad's doctors are adding new meaning to the term "practicing medicine." His doctor told him last week she wanted to keep him for 7 weeks. Well, the rotation changed and now he's got a new doctor who told him he could come home next week. My mother was on the phone with the social worker and nurse coordinator immediately upon hearing that and they will keep dad for three more weeks before sending him home. We'll see what happens.

I miss AIM. I haven't seen him in a month. I just want to see him and to have him hold me.

Ha! When I started this blog it was mostly so that I could whine and moan about one man. Now I'm whining and moaning about another. Sensing a pattern?

Well, that's it from me for now. Here's to another year (at least)!

Stressed Out...

2006-04-03T15:56:00.000-04:00

Last night, before leaving for bowling, I set an alarm clock at the highest possible volume so that my mother would be sure to wake up and give the dog her medicine at the appropriate time. A few minutes after the alarm was to go off, I borrowed a friend's phone and started calling the house. No answer. I called the cell phone. No answer. I kept calling both numbers for about 20 minutes to no avail.

I got home about an hour after the dog should have had her medicine. The alarm clock was still going off at full volume, the TV was blaring, the back door was open and my mother was out cold. I turned the alarm off and woke my mother up and she swore to me that the alarm never went off. When I told her I had just turned it off and told her what time it was she apologized to me. What good is an apology though? As soon as we decided our plan of action should the dog have another seizure this medicine very literally became a matter of life and death. Now, it's not that I think being an hour off once in a while is going to do a lot of damage but on Thursday night it was three hours late. Maybe I sound selfish here but I go out two nights a week... is it really too much to ask of her to give the medicine those two nights?

This morning she had the nerve to act as if nothing had happened. I was livid last night and still angry this morning. I understand that she's tired and has a lot on her mind but so do I. For crying out loud, I spend more time at the hospital than she does, I'm the one walking the dog at all hours of the night (and day for that matter), I'm the one who is cleaning. My mother is heading down a terrible road right now. Well, she has been for quite some time but this is making it worse. I need to find a way to get her into counseling or something before she completely gives up.

I say counseling because talking to family doesn't help. My grandmother and aunt have tried talking to her. Her best friend has tried. My father and I have tried. What can you say to someone who has so little desire to live? (My mother is eating and smoking her way to an early grave).

And you wondered why I don't talk about my family (with the exception of Mary) on here! Now you know.

UCLA Study (A Quick Funny)

2006-03-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

Too tired to write but thought you'd get a chuckle from this email I recently got. Enjoy.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Just A Quick Venting Session

2006-03-29T09:12:00.000-05:00

Things being what they are at home, it seems almost absurd to let little things get to me but I am and that's why I'm here... to vent. I'm currently frustrated because while I work Monday - Friday 9 - 5, my mother stays at home. I don't resent her for that, I enjoy getting out of the house and going to work (most days). What bothers me about this arrangement is that she doesn't take the garbage out to the curb. She'll move the trash can so that it's in my way when I leave for work. Even on mornings when she goes to the store before I leave for work she doesn't take it out. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind taking it out. But ask me. Don't gather all the garbage you can and just pile it in my path to my vehicle. As you can imagine, since she doesn't take it out, she also doesn't bring the empty trash can back up from the street. Nor does she get the mail out of the mailbox. She's so concerned about identity theft that she shreds or blacks out names, addresses, etc. from all of our mail before throwing it out but she doesn't think twice about leaving the mail in the mailbox at the curb.

Yesterday morning at around 4:30 or 5, she was awake and the dog needed to go out. Did she put the dog on the leash and take her out? Nope. She woke me up to do it. SHE WOKE ME UP. I haven't been sleeping very well at all since this whole fiasco began and she had the nerve to wake me up when she was already awake.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, she was sitting at the kitchen table doing a jigsaw puzzle. She tells me that there were a few things my father wanted me to bring to the hospital tonight but that she needs to look for them, so could I come home during my lunch hour to get them? I'll be honest, I work close to home so it's not like it's an incredible inconvenience but I'm putting so many miles on my vehicle going back and forth between the hospital that this is just a few extra miles that could really very easily be avoided.

Another thing that bugs me about my mother is that she constantly lies to me about trivial things. Mostly about her smoking. She had quit for a long time and when she went back to it, she was smoking only when I wasn't around. (Like late at night when I was already sleeping, early in the morning before I was awake, etc.) Although I don't and never have smoked, I've lived with that smell for 30 years. I know it. It's familiar. I can place it. But she'll still lie and say she wasn't smoking. Well, the other day she told me she had two packs left and after that she was done. A few days later I commented that her two packs were lasting a long time considering how much she smokes and she told me she had found a third pack. That was a few days ago and she's still smoking. I just don't understand why she lies about it. I mean, when she told me she was going to stop I didn't believe her. I never do anymore because I know she won't and if she does it won't be for long. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Just had to get that out of my system.

They Say God Doesn't Give You More Than You Can Handle...

2006-03-22T14:47:00.000-05:00

About two hours after my last entry, I was walking the dog one last time before leaving for work. As we walked past the shed, I noticed one of her back legs jut out. I knew what it meant and as gently as possible pushed her down so that she was lying down. The seizure lasted, again, only about a minute. The recovery time from this one however was nearly six minutes.

Right before I took her out, mom had called the vet to say AJ had had two seizures during the night. They said to bring her in at 10:30. During the last seizure, mom called the vet back and said we were bringing her in as soon as this seizure was over.

The vet gave her phenobarbital and said we should get her started on a prescription, which mom had filled that morning. They also gave her some valium. They kept her at the vet for the day and we picked her up around 6:45 that night with the warning that she was going to be acting drunk for a week or two, until the phenobarbital is fully incorporated in her system.

With everything going on, I left work at 3 that day so that I could spend at least a few hours with my dad before going with mom to get AJ and bring her home. Within minutes of my arriving, dad asked what was going on with AJ. As I was telling him, I started to cry. It was at that point that he said if she has another seizure, we should say our goodbyes and let her go. He pointed out that she has had a really good life with us, she has given and received a LOT of love and we don't want her to suffer. To bring the point home, he said, "If this is what it's doing to you, imagine what it's doing to her." Unfortunately, knowing doesn't make it any easier.

Things with my dad are also no better. Not really. We found out that he's got fluid accumulating near the bone and they want to keep him in the hospital for 6-8 weeks and then at another facility on the same grounds for another 6-8 weeks where they will administer an aggressive antibiotic treatment. Should the infection get into the bone, it could be life threatening. On the bright side, at least it isn't in the bone. On the other hand, that means my dad will be away from home for another 3-4 months.

Mom and I are holding up as best as possible. We're a little afraid to leave AJ alone so we've been taking turns visiting my dad. I went to see him the day AJ was at the vet, mom went last night when I got home from work and I am going tonight after work.

When mom left last night, I took AJ outside and she was having some trouble with her back legs. She got tired and sat down part way through our walk and then laid all the way down. That was all I needed. I started to bawl. Luckily, we were only in the backyard. I sat down, still in my work clothes, next to her in the grass and just cried and told her that if she was ready I would rather her go at home in her sleep than have to make the call for her. I told her how much I love her, how special she's been to me over the last 12 years and that I don't want to see her in pain anymore. My beautiful, beautiful baby looked me square in the eyes and just started licking my face.

I know it may sound bizarre to some people but she's not just a dog. She's a part of the family. Her unconditional love has been amazing. What can I say? I'm a dog person.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

2006-03-20T06:16:00.000-05:00

Last week I was feeling down. Although AIM had come out the weekend before St. Patrick's Day to help me put my table together and I figured that meant I wouldn't see him the following weekend, I was still disappointed when he didn't extend an invitation to me. Why do I do this to myself? I know that I should just move on but I feel something for this man that keeps me from doing so.

Every once in a while, I try my hand at poetry. I only try every once in a while because, quite frankly, I'm no good at it. My latest attempt, on St. Patrick's Day is: Tonight, as Irish eyes are a'smilin, Polish eyes are a'cryin.Not that you need it spelled out but AIM is the Irish eyes and I am the Polish. Anyway, that was as much as I managed to get.

I couldn't muster up anything else for my poem of sorrow as I felt myself move from beneath that dark cloud. I visited my father in the hospital on Friday night and then spent all day Saturday with him. My dog, my faithful companion, has been beside me just about every second that I've been home. She was doing well too. Her surgery (on Tuesday, I'm not sure if I wrote about it) was a success. The growth was removed and I, at least, was hoping it had been the cause of her seizures and that now that it was gone, so too would be the seizures.

Unfortunately, that was not the case.

As it happens, I had stayed up a little later than usual last night to finish the book I was reading, Marley & Me by John Grogan. One of my cousins lent it to me when I was in Florida. It's the story of a man and his dog. I found myself laughing out loud, uncontrollably, at some points and, at the end, crying with an equal amount of emotion. When I finished the last chapeter I blew my nose and pet my AJ. I wished her a good night and told her I loved her. About an hour and a half later I awoke to the sound of a really loud thump that came from the kitchen. I was out of bed in a heartbeat and by her side for the entirety of the seizure. I sit behind her when she has them and pet her and kiss her and tell her that I love her and remind her that she's not alone. For this particular seizure it's a damn good thing I did that because I swear, she almost swallowed her tongue. After about a minute the seizure stopped but it took her a good 4-5 minutes to "come back" from it. She was able to get herself up and empty her water dish and then we took a few short walks in the backyard. I got her back into my room and she laid down but couldn't seem to settle. It was as if she couldn't lay on her side or put her head down. My mother had asked about taking her to animal emergency but I said no. They would only drug her, keep her for the rest of the night, tell us to take her to her own vet in the morning and then charge an arm and a leg. I thought she'd be fine. But back to the tale at hand. She couldn't seem to get comfortable, therefore there was no sleep... for either of us. I tried. I pet her for a few minutes then got into bed and turned out the light. A few seconds later I heard the whining start. Not an excessive amount. Not constant. She's no dummy. It was just enough to get me to turn the light back on, get back out of bed and join her on the floor where she got tons of kisses and pets for the next two hours.

I took her out again at this point and she emptied herself out, in both ways. We went back to bed and miraculously, she settled right away and seemed to pass out. It was like she was saying, "Damn, I am tired. Let's get some sleep". I was happy to do so. Unfortunately, at 5:45, I awoke to her having another seizure. My poor baby. It's now 6:35. I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep and have a long day ahead of me as I plan to leave straight from work to visit my dad in the hospital. The vet doesn't open for another two hours and my baby is looking uncomfortable again, though she is right here at my side.

How foolish and incredibly lucky am I to be among those people that let's such a magnificent creature into their lives. You know the outcome. You know that most of the time, barring unforeseen circumstances, you will outlive the dog. But I am so happy to have her in my life. I can't imagine what the last 12 years would have been like without her. My baby.

A Late Night Quickie....

2006-03-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

What dirty minds we all have now!!!!

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote so I had to get your attention somehow, didn't I?

Anyway, this is just going to be a few thoughts quickly posted because I am tired tonight and have to be out of the house early tomorrow.

My AJ had surgery today to have a growth removed from her throat. It's been growing for a while but the vet finally agreed that it was time to remove it. She made it through the surgery with flying colors. She could have come home tonight but instead is staying at the vet until tomorrow afternoon.

The reason she's staying there overnight when she was cleared to come home is because the competition between her and my father to see who can get the most attention or the most sympathy still rages on. Dad woke up with a fever around 103 this morning and is back in the hospital. However, he's at the local hospital and is being transported to the veterans' hospital in the morning. Since no one will be home tomorrow morning the vet told my mother to save herself the peace of mind to leave the dog there until someone can be home with her. (Well, duh the vet said that, I'm sure they're going to charge for keeping her the extra time!)

With these things going on, it's no wonder I've been thinking about death a lot lately.

And to think, I was going to post the other day about how boring my life is and that I never have anything to talk about!

Enough for now... I need sleep. More to follow (hopefully pretty soon).

He's Back

2006-03-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

The guy that approached me in the parking lot at work on Thursday and asked for money, which he said he'd mail back to me... approached a co-worker of mine yesterday afternoon and told her that his car had broken down and that he was in need of a few dollars.

She called the office from her cell phone to inform those of us who park back there. Not wanting to be seen by this man again, I took a stroll out on the roof and sure enough, it was the same person.

At that point I decided that I wasn't taking any chances and I called the police to file a report. An officer came to the office this morning, gave me a case number and told me to call if I, or any of my co-workers, saw this man back there again. At least, he said, they could try to find out who he is, etc.

I left to go and get lunch today with the case number and my cell phone in my hand and didn't see the guy. It figures.

Paranoid?

2006-03-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

Thursday, my first day back to work after my trip, we had snow. The forecast was calling for between 3 and 8 inches. It was cold and nasty outside but I needed to eat lunch so I ventured out. As I was brushing snow off of my windows, a man came up to me. Well, he came within three or four feet of me to ask me for $10. He told me his name was Frank and that he was a physician or physicist (I don't remember which) who had been visiting the Island and doing some work at Brookhaven National Labs. However, as his story goes, he had been dropped off at the local train station 12 hours earlier and just needed another $10.

I've fallen for scams before and didn't want to fall for this. He was well groomed and dressed nicely but his story didn't make sense. Our trains run regularly and even if service had been suspended due to the snow, it hadn't been snowing for 12 hours. Anyway, although he offered to mail the $10 back to me as soon as he got home, I lied and told him I didn't have it on me.

He took my lie pretty well and went off, I assume, to hit someone else up for cash.

It makes me wonder. I mean, I hope it was a scam that I just didn't fall for rather than a true story that I made worse. But honestly, how do you know? I know when I travel I'm really anal about having things. I make sure to have at least my license, ATM card, one or two credit cards and some cash. And that is what I keep physically on me. So it makes me suspicious when others don't do that.

Home From Florida

2006-03-01T15:05:00.000-05:00

I am home from Florida.

At this point I'm not sure how I feel about that.

If you want the short version... I had a really great time, the party was a success and I even got a base tan started. If you are interested in the extended version, read on!

My flight was departing from JFK at 1:25 pm on Friday. AIM had suggested I arrive at his house (since he was dropping me off at the airport) around 10:30 or 11 am. I got there just before 10:30. I was feeling strong. I was going to tell him that what's been going on with us is done because I want more than he's willing to give. But then I thought, "he's picking me up at the airport on Tuesday, do I really want to tell him this now?". Going with that train of thought, I didn't say anything. (Okay, what really happened was that when we kissed I just enjoyed the moment of it too much to say anything.) Besides, do I really need to say it? It's not like we see each other often so if I were to just not be open to his touch and his attention when we are together, wouldn't that be enough? Before I digress further... he dropped me at the airport, kissed me good-bye, wished me a good time, asked me to call when I got there and told me he'd see me in a few days. I did call when I got there but not again until I was back in town and looking for him on Tuesday.

When my cousin Tom and I got to his house, where I was staying, his wife and my aunt and uncle were already there. Shortly after we arrived my cousins Patti and Bonnie showed up with Bonnie's husband and step daughter. After we sat down to dinner we were joined by Shannon, my cousin Christopher's bride-to-be. This was the first time I'd met Shannon and I liked her immediately. If it sounds like it was a little crazy at Tom and Andrea's, rest assured, it was! It was great to see this much of my family and to start to catch up but we were all pretty tired pretty quick.

The purpose of the trip was to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday at a surprise luncheon. Let me tell you, my grandmother has lived on her own for 28 years, she still drives, works part time and plays golf on a regular basis. She's pretty darn amazing. I don't know if there's even a glimmer of hope that I'll make it to 90 but if I do, I want to do it the way she has!

But back to the story at hand... The party was a smashing success. My grandmother was completely clueless about it. As sharp as she is, it took her a good minute to fully comprehend what was happening. As wonderful as it was for my grandmother, I have to say that it was pretty wonderful for my cousins and I as well. We all had the opportunity to meet family that we had never met and hear stories we had never heard. (One such story was that my great grandfather got a mail order bride from the SEARS catalog after his second wife passed away but his boys, who were teenagers by then, made her so miserable that within two weeks, she was back on a train to the midwest.)

But again, I digress. I won't bore you with the details of each day but I had practically no time to myself since I had four days to visit with a minimum of 13 people. I managed though and had a great time to boot.

Prior to my trip I was contemplating whether or not to go back to Florida in May for Chris and Shannon's wedding but I liked her so much that now I think I need to go! And it has nothing to do, seriously, with the fact that they're getting married on the beach! That's just a bonus!

So, I arrived back at JFK a few minutes ahead of schedule, got my luggage and went outside to catch my ride, who was not yet there. I called, he said to go back inside so I didn't freeze and that he'd call me when he got close (he wasn't that far away). About ten minutes later he called, said he'd be there in about a minute and asked if I had fun. I told him I did have fun but that I'd tell him all about it when I was in the car and told him where to find me.

In the car, I learned that he hadn't been feeling well at all that day. A friend of his had just gotten over the flu and he was wondering if he was coming down with it now. He also told me that his brother and sister-in-law found out that the bundle of joy they are expecting in June is going to be another girl. I also filled him in on my trip. We got back to his house put my bags in my car and then went upstairs for a few minutes. I had a soda, he had a club soda. We chatted. He gave me a few brief kisses. I gave him a thank you card and a candle. I left a thank you card for his brother and sister-in-law too. He told me I was crazy. I told him I didn't care. Then I left.

When I got home, no one heard me. Everyone was asleep. Even the dog. She didn't hear me until I went into the bathroom. She smelled like she does after a seizure but there was no note, no one was awake to confirm and she was acting okay. I learned this morning that she did have another seizure last night, shortly after my plane landed. It's only been a week since the last one. It's pretty scary but I have to wonder if they're not brought on, at least in part, by stress or by sensing the stress surrounding my dad's health.

Today was my day to get back on track with my plans to improve upon me. Since I had the foresight to take today off of work, I went to the track and did a brisk three-mile walk and am now catching up on laundry. Fun, fun.

Before I go though, I want to share with you an excerpt from the book I'm reading. The book is called American Girls About Town. It's labeled as "A Star-Studded story collection featuring America's red-hot women writers." I bought it because it includes something from Jennifer Wiener that I hadn't read. Anyway, the excerpt...

Sometimes you just have to believe that people spend a lifetime stockpiling stupidity, so they can drag it out on special occasions.

Ahh, well, I thought it was pretty funny.

Sucked In

2006-02-23T18:33:00.000-05:00

As if I don't watch enough TV, I've been sucked into the black hole that is called American Idol. (It only took, what?, five seasons!) I watched only one night of the auditions and wasn't terribly impressed but on Tuesday, I watched the 12 remaining women sing. Some of them were really fabulous. One of them, a 16-year-old, sang a song called "I'm Changing" by Jennifer Holliday. I had never before heard of Jennifer Holliday or heard the song but it was amazing. So much so that I need to get it! I searched online for the lyrics (to post here) but wasn't able to find them.

Last night the men performed. I thought most of them were good but there was only one that I thought was great (last night) and that was Chris. What is it with me and bald men?!

Ummm, other than that there isn't too much going on here. Dad and AJ (the dog) both seem to be doing better and therefore I am still heading off to Florida tomorrow. I spoke with AIM today to make sure that he was still able to drop me at the airport. Thumbs up.

The only other thing of interest, to me anyway, is that I have updated my MySpace page. I think it looks pretty awesome with its blue background and pink highlights. I didn't want it to be quite as girly as this page! But one of these days, I'll try to figure out how to change this without losing everything!

Well, I probably will not have time to write while I am away but at least I've prepared you all for this by being so random with posting lately!!! Hope you all have a great week and I'll try to write and fill you in on my trip as soon as I get home!

Where To Start?

2006-02-22T08:38:00.000-05:00

I'm at work right now. I got here about a half hour early so that I could just have some peace and quiet. I've been meaning to write for a few days, I just haven't seemed to get around to it but now that I have, you're in for it!

I'll start off first by saying that I have been feeling really good about myself for a little while. I can't say what I can attribute this to and frankly, I don't care too much. AIM is going to take me to the airport on Friday (btw, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days) and picking me up on Tuesday. When I first asked him I thought it would be great because I could get a kiss good-bye and maybe a little something more to welcome me home. Instead, I think I'm going to end our sexual relationship. He's out there looking for something (I found a personal ad of his online that said it's been active recently) though I admit I'm not sure what. I don't regret what's happened between us but I think I am strong enough to say that I'm not cool with just being another notch on his belt. I want more than he is willing and/or able to give so it's going to have to be his loss. (Wish me luck that I am able to be strong enough to voice this when I see him.)

In other happenings in my life, last night was a bad night all around. My dad took a shower last night but when he was done there was a lot of bleeding from his wound. It was pretty scary to see how much blood. Maybe I watch too many crime shows on TV but the bathroom looked like a murder scene, there was that much blood all over the floor. Mom changed the dressing on the wound and I cleaned the bathroom and all was well with the exception that my father was terribly embarrassed to have had me see him that way.

As if that didn't make the evening exciting enough, the dog had another seizure at 2:00 this morning. It was a short one but she was out of it afterwards for a little longer than she has been in the past. She seems to be back to normal today though.

Between the two of them, I am a little hesitant to take this trip to Florida but I need it so much now.

On one interesting note, my boss asked me yesterday what it was that I would be doing if I wasn't worrying about my family. Hmmm, good question. One that I have yet to be able to answer.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T15:28:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day! (Okay, to those of my friends who, like me, are single... Happy Tuesday). I am currently at work and by myself. Everyone else left by 2:30 so since I'm feeling a bit bored, I figured I'd catch up with my blogging community! I didn't make it far. Mary's page was the first I made it to and she had tagged me for a meme. After I posted that I remembered that today is Valentine's Day and it's sort of fitting that I'm at work, alone, with a package of Oreos open in front of me! (Honestly though, I only had a few and then sealed the bag back up!)

Considering that AIM and I are not a couple any longer, I'm doing pretty damn good today. I was afraid that I'd be depressed and bitchy all day but I've been good. Really. Maybe it's because I saw him this past weekend and we had great sex. Maybe it's because I'm chalking it up to fun and am starting to let go. Nahhhh. It's gotta be the sex! Either way, I'm not complaining. I had a really good time with him this weekend.

He called me as I was walking in the door Friday after work. He said he was going out to dinner with one of his friends and then they were going to the bar. He asked if I wanted to join them and I said sure. He picked me up at his house a few hours later and the three of us went to the bar where a bunch of his other friends ended up joining us.

During the evening a few funny things happened. The first was with his friend A. I was sitting at the bar, A was to my right and to her right were two girls making out with each other. A, not one to hold back, asks them (while they're going at it) if they're lesbians. Well, that just set the one girl off. I can understand why she would have been shocked at the question but she acted offended, which I don't get since they were in a straight bar. Both of the girls were ready to try to take on A (and trust me, NEITHER of them would have stood a chance) but she never got up, or put down her drink. Someone managed to usher the angry lesbians out without a physical altercation ensuing.

The other funny thing was one of AIM's other friends, a male, asking me if AIM and I were still dating. I said no and he asked why. I told him he'd have to ask his friend for that answer. He proceeded to tell me what a wonderful guy AIM is. I cut him off by saying that overall, I think that AIM is wonderful, but that he needs to be smacked around sometimes. Do you know what he said to me? "All of us men need that sometimes." Duh. No shit.

So I leave for Florida a week from Friday. I am going down for my grandmother's 90th birthday. I leave NY on Friday afternoon and arrive home late on Tuesday night. It'll be good to see my family and I'm excited that my grandmother doesn't know anything about her party or that I'm going to be there.

Well, that's it for me for now. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Another List...

2006-02-14T15:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I don't really like posting two lists in a row but since I don't really have anything else to post...

Four jobs I've had:
1. sales clerk at local pharmacy
2. data entry clerk at pharmaceutical warehouse
3. Associate Editor of three different trade mags (2 hotel related, 1 housewares related)
4. Administrative Assistant at a non-profit youth services agency

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Can't Hardly Wait
2. A Walk to Remember
3. Pretty Woman
4. Fried Green Tomatoes

Four places I've lived:
1. Reisterstown, MD
2. Medford, NY
3. Murfreesboro, NC
4. To Be Determined

Four TV shows I love:
1. Law and Order: SVU
2. NCIS
3. Extreme Makeover Home Edition
4. Wheel of Fortune

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Bar Harbor, ME
2. a cruise ship in the Bahamas
3. Florida
4. California

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Burgers
2. Mexican (pretty much anything)
3. Mom's ziti
4. Mom's stuffing

Four sites I visit daily:
1. MySpace
2. AOL
3. NY Newsday
4. Blogger (I try)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. at the track walking (too bad it's too cold)
2. at the gym
3. drawing at my new drawing table
4. in the arms of a man that loves me and thinks his life is better for having me in it

Four bloggers I am tagging:
1. Lonna
2. Patrice
3. Jen
4. Amy

For Lack of Anything Better To Post

2006-02-08T17:34:00.000-05:00

TEN random things you might not know about me.
1. I have shot a gun
2. I love to draw though I don’t do so often
3. I’ve had my gall bladder removed
4. I keep a blog
5. Despite my fear of heights, I want to go up in a hotair balloon
6. Instead of yelling when I get angry/upset, I usually cry
7. I always try to see the good in people
8. I tried my first diet when I was 8 years old
9. I have seriously considering getting a pistol permit
10. I’ve grown a lot in the last year but I’ve still got quite a way to go

NINE places I’ve visited
1. California—Moor-Park, Chatsworth, Long Beach, Anaheim, San Francisco
2. Virginia—Newport News, Williamsburg, Reston, Vienna, Berryville
3. Washington, DC and Seattle, WA
4. Florida—Miami, Tampa, Orlando
5. Maine—Portland, Orono, Bar Harbor, Mt. Desert Island, Fort Kent
6. Pennsylvania—Bethlehem, Philadelphia
7. Texas—Pampa and/or Corpus Christie
8. South Carolina—Myrtle Beach
9. North Carolina—Raleigh, Charlotte, Murfreesboro, Rocky Mount, Ahoskie

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1. Surprises like hidden notes, a single flower, random phone calls, etc.
2. Be affectionate
3. Be respectful
4. Listen to me… I mean really listen to me
5. Do what you say you are going to do
6. Talk to me… I mean really talk to me
7. Never go to bed mad… no matter what kiss me good-night
8. Be honest with me

SEVEN things I want to do before I die
1. Ride in a hot air balloon
2. Get married
3. Have kids
4. Own a home
5. Reach my goal weight
6. Learn to bellydance
7. Travel the U.S.

SIX things I’m afraid of
1. Heights
2. Being alone
3. Change
4. Hurting people
5. Not knowning myself as well as I should
6. Pain

FIVE things I don't like
1. Mushrooms
2. Liars
3. Beer
4. Lima beans
5. Arrogance

FOUR ways to turn me off
1. Lie
2. Cheat
3. Be rude
4. Be hurtful

THREE Things I do everyday
1. Check e-mail
2. Eat
3. Think about organizing my things and my life better

TWO things that make me happy
1. Playing with my dog
2. Being with who I care about

ONE thing on my mind right now
1. Nope, there’s lots of stuff on my mind right now

Drawing A Blank

2006-02-06T13:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, first and foremost, I have to admit that I'm at work right now. It's very quiet and I'm pretty bored. I had a great idea that I was going to write about here but now that I've got the window open, the idea escapes me. So forgive me, but I'm just going to ramble on...

I posted a bulletin on my MySpace account asking my friends to give me a sentence or two about what they think of me. I asked for strong points, weak points and assets. Three people have responded so far. So why did I this you might wonder? Because I thought it would be interesting to see myself through other people's eyes. It goes back to what I posted here about being my own biggest roadblock. I think people see me in one way but they may not. So, we'll see what happens. (MySpace was a good forum for me to do this because most of my friends on there are people that I do actually know in real life. However, the thought just occurred to me that many of you know me also, just not in the face-to-face way. As a matter of fact, there's a pretty damn good chance that you all know me better than some of those that do know me face-to-face. So, if you feel like humoring me... go ahead and give it to me!)

On a slightly humorous note, since I have enough trouble keeping up this blog, I've been thinking about starting one on MySpace. If I do, it'll be different content than this blog as AIM is one of my MySpace friends and those of you who have been reading me since the beginning remember what a disaster it was when my previous ex read my rantings! Anyway, I'm contemplating the idea but like I said, I don't regularly update this blog so who knows?

Moving on... a while back I posted that I was going to work on me. I think I mentioned that I wanted to save up as much money as possible and lose a lot of weight. The money part is working in my favor so far. Not that I'm saving a lot but the day after I got paid for doing the t-shirt show last weekend, I put the money into my savings account. I'm also trying to spend less money on lunch during the week and am trying to hit the ATM less frequently as well (though when I do I only go to ones that don't charge a fee).

On the weight management side of things, I had started out strong. I've been thrown off by the strep throat and cold though. I think I'll give myself the rest of this week to recuperate and then try to get back on track next Monday. While I would love to lose 30-50 pounds by the time I have to order my dress for Mary's wedding, I know that is not an especially realistic or healthy goal. So, I've compromised with myself to aim for 25 pounds by July 1. It'll be easier when the weather finally shapes up and I can hit the gym and the track both in the same day. In the meantime, I have got to start cutting back on the junk food that I love so much.

Overwhelmed

2006-02-05T08:43:00.000-05:00

I am not quite sure where to start except to say that I am overwhelmed right now. I've been sick this week and have started and finished three books in that time. Tales from the Scale by Erin Shea, You Have to Kiss a lot of Frogs by Laurie Graff and The Next Big Thing by Johanna Edwards.

Tales from the Scale, as you might guess is a look at the battle of a few women who are trying to lose weight and find themselves. You Have to Kiss a lot of Frogs, offers up some really funny, touching and infuriating stories of some of the men in the author's life. The Next Big Thing is about a woman who goes on a weight loss reality show where she winds up learning a lot about herself.

Sense a theme here? Want to know what my big epiphany was? I finally realized that I'M the one that's holding me back. My very own perception of myself is what is crippling me. What I think other people think is not what they really do think (not always anyway).

I was thinking, when I wasn't reading this week, about how much fun I was starting to have with AIM. (Maybe that is a part of the reason why I can't seem to freaking let go and move forward!) I know that while I was dating him I felt beautiful whenever I was around him. Now, it's not that I think I'm ugly, it's just that I really felt beautiful with him and that gave me a little boost of confidence. I thought he did this for me but what I've realized is that knowing him has helped to bring it out in me but it was always there, maybe just always hiding under layers and layers of fat and fear.

Basically, what I've realized is that my life is not going to be perfect when (if) I lose another 50 pounds. It's not going to fix itself because I date a great guy or fall apart if I don't. I have to stop waiting for life to happen because while I'm doing that I'm missing out on so much.

Reaching Out

2006-01-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

I know I've been terrible about keeping up with my own blog and, in truth, I've been even worse about keeping up with the ones that I've linked to and used to read daily. However, I was trying to catch up the other day and was struck by what Amy had posted.

Excerpt: Sometimes I just don't want to talk...I want to be silent and I want people to not look at what I am doing or typing or watching and say "What's that?"....grrrr.

I know exactly what you're talking about Amy! I live with my folks and this is one of my biggest problems with my mother. She'll either just watch me do things or she'll talk to me, say first thing in the morning, when she knows (because this used to be a daily ritual) that I don't want to talk in the mornings. I just want to be left alone for crying out loud.

Unfortunately, at times, I just want to be alone period. Well, okay. Not exactly. It's hard to explain but sometimes I need a break from everyone I know. It's not that I ever really want to be alone. Usually, it's that the person/people I want to be with don't want to or can't be with me and therefore I punish everyone else. Hmmm... I think I just had an epiphany. I've never really looked at it quite that way but it's true. Wow. I suck. Sorry for doing that to all of you.

Anyway, I know that in the past Amy has expressed some of the feelings I have about our lives in a way that makes it seem like she's reading my mind. I'm working on being happy with me and with my life but I get sidetracked sometimes when I see how happy other people are or how lucky some people seem to be. I get frustrated and wonder "why not me?".

But that brings me to one final comment... I want to thank RG for her comment to the quote I posted the other day. You are so right. There is a lot of love in my life now but I guess I needed the reminder.

Stress Much?

2006-01-19T08:44:00.000-05:00

For the last few nights, I've been starting to doze in front of the TV about 10-15 minutes before I'm ready to go to bed. So, I wind up missing the end of whatever program I'm watching and when I get into bed, I'm wide awake. Seriously, I have been having such a hard time falling asleep the last few nights. And then, I've been waking up before my alarm clock in the morning.

At work we're moving people around and still trying to do what we normally do so that's a little stressful. At home there's all kinds of stress. Dad had surgery between Christmas and New Years so it's up to mom and I to change the dressing for the wound every day. Well, in all honesty, I haven't done it since they like to change it in the morning. Still, I worry. The one day I saw mom change the dressing (after she'd been doing it for almost a week on her own) she was so insecure and sort of flipping out and having all kinds of problems. I worry that she's going to do something wrong or not pack the wound enough and that it's not going to heal quick enough or well enough to avoid another surgery. Then there's her health. This is a big issue with me, which is part of the reason why I have never spoken about it on here before. Suffice it to say that she is an obese smoker. My AJ (dog, for those of you who are new or don't remember) is doing better but has a hot spot on her head behind her ear that, when she scratches, is pretty gross to look at. So I've been tending to that. As if that weren't all enough, I've got an infection that I just can't kick. Well, I did get rid of it but then I went back to the doctor for an additional checkup a few weeks later and it was back.

I haven't spoken to AIM since last week either. He called me last Wednesday to see if I wanted to get together over the weekend. A friend of his was going to be here from upstate and AIM wanted to know if I wanted to join them. He said he'd call me when he knew what the plans were. He didn't call. I spoke to him online on Saturday and Sunday and he didn't say anything about it. Neither did I. I ended up going out on Friday and not calling him. He said he'd call me afterall. On Sunday when I spoke to him online, I asked him a question and when he didn't respond after 10 minutes, I signed off. I haven't spoken to him since. I need to let go and move on but, obviously, I'm having difficulty doing that and I'm not sure why.

To change the pace of this post a bit, we had snow over the weekend and I was able to wear the beautiful scarf and hat that Mary knitted for me for Christmas. She did such a great job on it that I just had to share.

Anyway, I just want to share this little saying that I saw on the charm of a bracelet yesterday:

"To be rich in love is to be rich in life."

Blah Blah Blah

2006-01-17T17:11:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy day and while nothing all that interesting happened, I feel like I need to get something out of my system, I'm just not quite sure what. So, if you want to tune out now, feel free, if you want to keep reading, I hope I figure it out by the time I'm done writing!

Yesterday my office was closed for the holiday which was nice. I spent the day with my friend Lisa. We hung out at her apartment for a while, went out to lunch and then wound up back at her place where we watched Must Love Dogs with Diane Lane and John Cusack. After I got home, I did laundry and just took it easy. Of course, since I had to be up and out of the house early this morning I had trouble falling asleep. It figures.

Luckily, I heard my alarm this morning and managed to get out and on the road on time. I got on the expressway and it was smooth sailing for about two exits. Then we slowed to a crawl. I leave myself plenty of time so it wasn't as if I was worried about being late, I was just annoyed at having to move so slow. Turns out, there had been an accident in the left lane a ways up. Once I got past that it was smooth sailing again. Just as I was coming to my exit I noticed a car fire on the shoulder of the opposite side of the road. It was blazing. Since it wasn't my car and it appeared that the driver was a safe distance away from the car, I don't feel so bad saying that it was kind of cool to see. I must be spending too much time with firemen!

Anyway, every two months the Board of Directors of the agency I work for meet and I always have to be there to take the minutes. I don't mind, since it's the one of the few times I'm actually out of the office. We started late and within about a half hour of starting the president announced they needed to go into executive session, meaning that non-board members were excused.

Okay, so again, I didn't really mind. I recently got the new Nickelback CD and have been listening to it non-stop in the car so I was excited to get back to that. My ride back to work was peaceful and nearly pleasant. Then I walked into the office.

The agency recently hired about 7 new people at one time. Four of these people are based in the same office as me, which is not a problem except that my office has never (at least in my 2-plus years there) held so many people. So we've been moving these people from their current office to what used to be our conference room. New furniture was bought and the room is really starting to look nice.

But back to me, I walked in and didn't even have my coat off before people were demanding things and begging for my help and whining about things, etc. I suppose I should feel good that I was apparently needed but they just annoyed me to no end this morning! We were down two phone lines when I arrived and no one could access the internet or the server. I guess they were all just stressed out and venting while simultaneously trying to fill me in on the morning's events but I felt like they wanted me to fix it (and since our tech person was there and couldn't fix it, there was no way I was going to be able to do anything).

Things finally quieted down when they all left to run their programs. That's when my supervisor and I started moving the computers from the old office to the new office. I spent some time crawling around on the floor and untangling wires and cords as well as carrying computers to their new homes. No biggie. I honestly don't mind doing that kind of stuff once in a while. I just would have preferred being dressed down a bit more but what can you do?!

Anyway, I got to leave early because my Executive Director wanted me to go to the post office for her so that wasn't so bad. Although, technically, since I started early this morning, I should have left early.

I think I'm just feeling kind of frustrated with things lately. I really need to get my shit in order.

Slowing Things Down

2006-01-03T15:52:00.000-05:00

I've been postponing this entry for a while now but I suppose now is as good a time as any to get to the heart of it.

About two days after I left the Christmas gifts at AIM's house, he e-mailed me saying that he had only a vague recollection of speaking to me but that he didn't remember any of the conversation, he was sorry, that he couldn't accept my gifts and that he'd like to call me that night. I replied by simply saying that I'd rather speak to him in person and that I was only working a half day on Friday, I could come to his house or meet him somewhere then. However, on Friday morning, I remembered it was my mother's birthday so I e-mailed him telling him as much and suggesting that we get together after the holiday.

He instant messaged me on Christmas Eve and wished me a Merry Christmas. I was sort of distant because I didn't want to get into it online but I reminded him that I was off the following week. He said he remembered and that he'd call me early in the week, which he did do.

I was happy that when he called I was at lunch with some friends and didn't hear the phone. When I saw he called though, I called back told him I was with friends and that I'd call him to let him know when I was on my way.

I spent somewhere in between 4 and 5 hours with him that afternoon/evening. Amazingly, I did most of the talking. (I suppose this is a testament to my growth over the last year.) I asked him if he liked me and he said he, "really likes me a lot." I didn't question how he meant that because at this point, I don't think it really matters. One thing I told him was that it's not him I dislike, but it is his behavior. He looked like there was so much that he had to say but, unfortunately, he didn't say much.

He didn't seem eager for me to leave and when I said I was leaving, he asked if I'd like to get dinner with him first. Since I had planned to just grab something fast on the way home anyway, I said sure. (Not that it matters, but he paid.)

Anyway, since then I've talked to him a lot. He called me the next day and the day after that and said he'd call me on New Year's Eve but that it would be late. I was a little disappointed that when 1 am rolled around, he still hadn't called but I was having a good time with some friends and was determined not to dwell on it. At 8:30 on New Year's morning, he called me and apologized for calling so late (he had just gotten home). So the bastard wakes me up and then falls asleep on me and starts snoring in my ear!

Since then we've chatted online a few times and for all but one of those times, he was the one to initiate the conversation.

I have to admit that I'm pretty pleased with myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad that things didn't work out with him because I really did like him but I'm trying to focus on me now. The new year is here and there's no better time to work on making me happy. I'm going back to the gym today, am going to start drawing again and am going to actually make a budget plan to name a few things.

We'll see what happens now.

Deja Vu

2005-12-22T07:59:00.000-05:00

I had a bizarre realization the other day that I just wanted to share since I am and have been in such a crummy mood...

My 30th year is off to just as lousy a start as my 29th year.

Another Good-Bye (I Think)

2005-12-19T16:16:00.000-05:00

A week ago last Friday was the 30th birthday of one of AIM's friends. She had plans with her sister but about two weeks before her birthday her sister backed out. AIM and another one of their good friends planned to take her out to dinner for her birthday and were making phone calls to get as many people together as possible. As it turns out, it ended up only being AIM and the girl who planned the dinner, the birthday girl and myself.

We had a good time and after we were done with dinner AIM and I went to his neighbor's holiday party. Everything was good. He was affectionate and was telling everyone at the party that my birthday was the following week. We stayed at the party pretty late and then went back to his house and crashed. In the morning, I was awake for the day first so I let him sleep while I took a shower and dressed and then I opted to watch TV in the living room. He came out about an hour later and said he thought I'd left but I told him I would have either woken him up to say good-bye or I'd have left a note. I left shortly after this but there was no reason to think that anything at all was wrong.

On the following Tuesday I dragged him shopping with me. Well okay, I didn't exactly drag him. I asked him if he would like to go with me and he said yes so we made plans. On the way to the mall I asked if there was anything he'd like for Christmas and he answered me by telling me that he was not exchanging gifts with his brother and sister-in-law because he's broke and they're expecting another baby. I didn't think anything of it because, quite frankly, it made sense to me.

However, since I'd already gotten a few gifts (nothing crazy) for AIM and his niece, I wanted to also get something for his brother and sister-in-law. I told him I didn't want to get them anything with the expectation of getting something in return but because I just wanted to do something nice for them. I asked him if he had any ideas and he said no. After giving it some thought I told him I'd get them a gift certificate to one of their favorite restaurants and make a gift certificate that said AIM and I would babysit the night they went. He thought it was a good idea and so we went to do that. This was the same restaurant we'd been to the Friday before. It's sooo good. While we were there on Tuesday, we got lunch! The check came while he was in the bathroom and I figured that since a) he pays for everything every time we go out, b) he wasn't feeling great and c) that he wasn't exchanging gifts with his family that I'd buy lunch to say thank you for keeping me company.

Overall, the day was good. When I was finally tired of shopping we went back to his house and laid down to watch TV for a while. Things were still good.

When I got home that night there were two (snail mail) cards from AIM waiting for me. One was a Christmas card and one was a birthday card. On Friday morning he sent me an e-card for my birthday as well. Around 3:30 in the afternoon, I was getting impatient and wanted to make plans for the evening so I called him and left a message telling him to call me back. I didn't say anything about my birthday or making plans, I just asked him to call me.

Five o'clock came and no phone call at work or on the cell phone. I had since made plans to go to dinner with my best friend (the only one who'd tried to make plans with me mind you). We got to the restaurant at around 8 pm and were seated finally a little after 9. God bless her. I was so miserable that he still hadn't called that all I could do was think about him and talk about him and wonder what was up with him. After dinner she humored me and said sure she'd take a ride with me out to his town to see if he was home.

First off, I'll admit that this was stupid idea but I was hurting and confused. My second stupid idea was to take my car instead of hers, which he's never seen. The first place I drove past was the bar. I didn't go into the parking lot because it's small and we would not have been missed had anyone been standing outside. I took a quick glance though and didn't see his car so I drove back around to the main street to head toward his house. Wouldn't you know it? There were three men standing in front of the bar as we drove past. I ever so gracefully (yea right) hid my face as we were going by because the one man, who had his back to the street, looked like him. From the speed I was going, the fact that I was trying not to be seen and the rush of emotion at seeing him, I couldn't be 100% certain it was him but my gut says it was. To be sure, I drove past his house and his car was not there.

My friend thought I was going into the bar to confront him and I had told her on the way out that it was a possibility. What stopped me? I realized when we got there that there was no way I could walk into the place and not look like a fool. At least I made what I think is one good decision that night. By the way, after I said it was him outside and hid my face she turned to look and said that none of the people outside the bar had looked twice so I suppose there's a good chance that we weren't noticed.

Anyway, Saturday I got no phone call. All day Sunday no phone call. As you can imagine, at this point I was pretty miserable. At 12:20 last night I heard my cell phone beep from the other room. I went to look and it said one missed call. I checked and it was him. He had called about 10 minutes earlier but didn't leave a message so I called him back. He answered with the typical "hello" and I said "you called?" He told me he didn't think he had (it was obvious he was out and drinking) and I told him it didn't just magically appear on my phone so then I asked him if he had anything to say to me about the weekend and he said no that he really didn't know what to tell me except that he was sorry and that he's an ass hole. He did say that at this point in his life he doesn't really want anything.

Now, if that were the case, WHY would he initiate this relationship? WHY would he pursue me?

I told him I was hurt that he didn't see my birthday as being important and he said it wasn't that and apologized again. Of course he said it was him and not me. Do I believe him? Not so much. I mean, obviously he's got issues with his unemployment, worker's comp case, the recent death of his mother, committment, etc. but come on... you're 32 years old... WTF?!

I didn't get to say a lot of stuff to him though. Like I said, he was out and he finally, I believe, hung up on me. When I realized the connection had been lost I called him back and he didn't answer.

Today, we had our holiday party for work and were allowed to leave afterwards. I had packed up the Christmas presents for him and his family in the morning and headed out there straight from the party unbeknownst to him. I pulled up and was terrified but relieved to see his car there so I got the presents and went up to the door and rang the bell. After a minute, when he didn't answer, I rang the bell again. Still no answer. So I called the house. No answer. I called the cell phone. No answer. At that point it was either ring the bell for the downstairs where is brother and sister-in-law live or camp out on the porch. Since it's freaking cold though I opted for the downstairs bell.

His brother answered and let me in though I didn't come any further into the house than right inside the door. I chatted with his brother for a few minutes and he said he didn't want to be involved (but he really looked like he felt bad for me). Of course, I told him that I wouldn't expect him or ask him to get involved. He didn't want to take the gifts from me but I finally said that there was a chance AIM would not want to speak with me again before Christmas so "please," I asked, "I'd really like to leave the gifts here." He told me I shouldn't have and I told him I knew but then I explained that they were just a few little things that I liked for each of them. He put them upstairs and tried unsuccessfully to wake up AIM. Apparently, AIM was out very late and got very drunk and then he went with his brother to the cemetary this morning and when they got home AIM said he was going back to bed for a while.

So his brother suggested that I try coming back or calling later. At that point there wasn't anything I felt I could do so I left. I'm not going back out there tonight and I'm going to try really hard not to call.

On the way home, I called my girlfriend T and told her that I still think highly of him and she freaked on me and asked me how that was possible. My response was that this one thing, granted it's a really shitty thing, doesn't erase all of the nice things that he's done. Her answer was that this was a big thing.

I know she's right but I don't think I can totally rule him out. I certainly can't stay in a romantic relationship with him at this point but if he were to get his priorities in order and straighten up, then I think there'd be the possibility for something great. Does that make sense? Am I being too naive? I just don't get it.

I'm With Glitter

2005-12-10T20:00:00.000-05:00

Things here are good. I saw AIM last weekend, on Tuesday and then again this weekend. I opted against talking to him about the funk I'd been in... for the time being.

We went to a Christmas party last night hosted by his next door neighbors. At one point a lot of the women were outside by the fire while the men were inside around the bar and here's what the hostess said to me, verbatim, "I know I'm really, really drunk right now but I know exactly what I'm saying. Okay? Really, I'm serious. I mean what I'm going to tell you. In the four years that I've been living here and have known AIM, I have to say that you are the best thing to happen to him and he really likes you. I really hope things work out with you."

Yay!

But anyway, even though things with us are going well, I'm with Glitter on the whole turning 30 thing that happens next week. EEK. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure why I'm so afraid of it. Everyone I know that is older than me tells me that things got better for them after 30. I can only hope that the same happens for me!

Fighting Off The Funk

2005-11-28T18:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm feeling a little bit better today. It helps that I was incredibly busy at work and then went to the gym and basically didn't have much time to think about AIM and what is or is not going on with him. Thank you Glitter, Jen and Lonna for your comments. I always know that I can commiserate with Glitter because very often it seems like we're going through the same exact things. Jen, you are just too cute. I love the relationship that you and Andy have and hope that one day I am lucky enough to have something similar. And Lonna, one of my newest blogger buddies, thank you. I found great comfort in your comment and the fact that you've been through this. I'm not certain that AIM is "the one" for me but it's good to know that he's not the first guy to pull this kind of crap on a woman.

So I have to acknowledge the birthday thing... Glitter is the 14th, Lonna the 15th and I am the 16th. Wish we could all get together and knock a few back. :-)

Well, thanks to everyone for "listening" to me rant and rave yet again. I appreciate it.

Feeling Blue

2005-11-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

Today I am feeling blue. I'm thinking too much and I have a headache as a result.

Thursday was the first Thanksgiving in six years that my ex was not a part of the festivities with myself and my family. I thought of him as I prepared the sweet potatoes the way he showed me. His mom used to make them this way and my family has grown to really enjoy them as well as is evidenced by the fact that there were none left! I also thought of him as my aunt cursed the turkey while she was trying to carve it, as I did my best to pack the dishwasher as well as he used to and when the stuffing and cole slaw (traditions of my family that he grew to love) were put on the table. I had a moment of sadness for all of the things we're missing now with each other but was grateful that we'd had the chance to share the things we did.

This Thanksgiving is also the first time in six years that I have a new boyfriend for the holiday. I did not, however, get to see him and I didn't get to speak to him until 10:30 at night. (Between us, I'm not sure how much longer this is going to last but I'll get into that a little more later on.)

I swore off shopping in honor of Black Friday. No way. But then, I went with a friend to a little strip mall nearby to get her son's first Christmas pictures taken. What an angel he was. So cute. It was great to see her and to be around this adorable baby but it made me sad because I want a family so much and it just seems so incredibly out of reach.

Following the roller coaster of emotions that spending three hours with them caused I went home and moved furniture and put up the Christmas tree. Today, I put the lights on the tree.

Short of buying gifts for other people, I don't want to think about Christmas until after my birthday which is sort of difficult since my birthday is only nine days before Christmas. Which leads me to a whole different rant. I am two and a half weeks away from turning 30 and I have NOTHING to show for my life. NOTHING. The number 30 doesn't really scare me but I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like this is a milestone that should mark some great things... great things that I don't have.

And that brings me back to AIM. I do really like him but I need to talk to him. I haven't seen him in two weeks and this doesn't seem to bother him at all. I'm getting the feeling that he's changed his mind and is thinking that he doesn't want to date me or date me exclusively. Of course, I keep reminding myself that the holidays have to be taking a toll on him since they're the first without his mom. (But you would, or at least, I think, that he would want to lean on someone during this hard time... and if he's leaning on anyone, it's not me.)

In a moment of contemplation this weekend I got the feeling of deja vu. Before the ex and I parted ways we weren't talking or seeing each other as often as we had been and, quite frankly, I had gotten the feeling that I was dating a man that didn't want to be around me. I was not good at communicating my feelings with him and have tried to be better at this with AIM and this is one of those times where I need to talk. I haven't spoken much about my ex to AIM because I want AIM to be AIM and do things that he wants to do or say things that he wants to say. I don't want him constantly thinking that he's got to do or say XYZ because my ex didn't. But at this point, with me having these feelings, I need to open up to him some and tell him that I'm not digging the idea of dating someone that doesn't want to see me.

Looking For Love

2005-11-25T18:49:00.000-05:00

Why am I equally as afraid of finding love as I am of not finding it? Is AIM having the same feelings? Is he the one for me? When will I know? How will I know?

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T18:06:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow my parent's and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle and my cousin Alissa. Usually, the celebration includes a few other people, like Mary (who is unfortunately for us working this year) and various boyfriends of Alissa, Mary or I.

With Mary unable to make the trip and various boyfriends either not existing or having other plans, it's going to be a pretty quiet holiday. We're not an especially rowdy bunch but it's going to be strange.

Don't get me wrong... I know that tomorrow is about giving thanks for the wonderful things in our lives but shouldn't we do that everyday? I appreciate my family and feel selfish that I would like so much to see AIM on the holiday. Whether he came here or I went there or we ate two dinners apiece because we each visited with the other family... it doesn't matter. I just want to see him. But I don't think I'm going to. And as difficult as it is for me, I have to keep in mind that it is his first major family holiday since his mom passed away. I, thankfully, have not yet had to endure this type of loss and while that is great for me, it makes me wonder what I can do (if there's anything) to make the day easier or at least less painful for AIM. So far, the friends I've spoken with, tell me just to back off but let him know I'm here for him. I think I've done that but I honestly don't feel like it's enough.

I don't know that I'm really looking for answers here (though they would be as appreciated as always). I didn't even mean to turn this post into a vent... I just sort of got caught up in the feeling.

Well, before I get too far sidetracked from my original intention... I wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Sorry For The Delay...

2005-11-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry for the delay in posting about the trip to Atlantic City with AIM! Assuming that you care... read on!

Approximately a week prior to our trip, AIM and I were online chatting when I asked him if he'd "do something stupid with me" when we went. He asked what and I told him that ever since I'd first heard about it I've wanted to go see Lucy the Elephant. I sent him the link to the webpage and while he didn't say yes, he more importantly didn't say no but that was the end of that portion of the conversation. Lucy did not come up in any conversations between then and when we left either. Imagine my surprise, when on the way down, he asked if I'd noticed "my" directions on the floor. I said no and looked and there were directions to Lucy!

I have to admit... it was really kind of corny and lame but I was thrilled to no end that he humored me. We pulled up, looked at Lucy, checked the gift shop and left. A totally uneventful portion of the trip but still important (to me)!

After leaving Lucy, we drove the remaining 10 minutes or so to Atlantic City and checked into The Sands. Our room wasn't ready but we left our stuff with the Bell Service and began to wander. First we had lunch at the buffet (not so impressive) and then we began to gamble. I think we also took a stroll on the Boardwalk that day. After we got settled into the room, we went to dinner and then continued to wander between The Sands and Claridge.

On Thursday it was much of the same. However, we took the Jitney over to the Borgata where we gambled some, ate dinner and went to the Gwen Stefani show. What a concert! I've never seen Gwen in concert but AIM is a HUGE fan. Now, I never asked about our seats but I did check online where I learned that the Event Center in the Borgata only has between 3,000 and 4,000 seats. The way I figured it, no seat is a bad seat in a venue that size. Imagine my surprise though when the usher made a left hand turn to our seats and brought us all the way to the 7th row! OH MY GOD!!!! She only performed from the Love, Angel, Music, Baby album (are they still called albums???) but it was phenomenal! We stood the entire time and I even shook my booty (a VERY rare thing for those of you that don't know me well)!

After the concert we took the Jitney back to the Sands, gambled, drank and then went upstairs. On Friday, after we got ourselves out of bed and packed, we went back to the Boardwalk for a little while and then headed out. We were not, I learned, heading straight home though. AIM's mom's best friend lives in New Jersey (I forget the name of the town but it's somewhere up near the George Washington Bridge). Anyway, he had made arrangements to meet her and her kids for dinner on Friday. He told me that he told them he was bringing his girlfriend! Woo-Hoo! Don't get me wrong, I had pretty much figured it out by then but it was really nice to hear him say it!

We spent a good four to five hours there and had a really nice time. Both his mom's friend and her daughter hugged me when we were leaving and told me to come back. I know people always say come back anytime but the way I see it, if they didn't like me enough to mean it they wouldn't have hugged me.

After we left there, AIM asked if I was tired and I told him that I was. He, on the other hand, was wide awake but asked if I would mind if we went out when we got back to his house because his friends were at the bar. No problem, I told him, I don't know how long I'll be good for but sure, we could go out.

A very interesting night it was. The bar's owner engaged me in an hours long conversation about his penis. Yes, you read that correctly. It was thoroughly entertaining. I do have to thank my lucky stars that he only talked and didn't offer to show. AIM heard bits and pieces of the conversation his friend was having with me and, being a gentleman, left me to fend for myself! Like I said though, at least it was entertaining!

We stayed for a few hours. He was surprised that I had as many drinks as I did (since I don't drink very much or very often). When we were leaving, the bartender gave me a big hug and kiss and told me to come back "because he speaks so highly of you."

At this point, I'd had quite a few drinks and was very tired so I stayed with AIM rather than attempting the 40-minute drive home. However, shortly after waking up the next morning I left. I figured, in part, that we'd had a good three days together so why jinx that by sticking around but also, we both had stuff to do at our respective homes.

Since then, things have been good. There have been moments when I've sort of freaked out (to my friends) about us but like I told one friend "when we're together everything is wonderful, it's when we're not together that I start to get a little freaky." In my last relationship, I spoke to the man every day between 1 and 3 times a day and saw him probably about 4 times a week. With AIM, we're talking sporadically. It's every few days at best, unless we catch each other online, and we see each other on either Friday or Saturday night most of the time. It's difficult to get used to but I'm working hard to manage because I really like this guy!

So, that's about it at the moment. I promise to try to catch up with my neglected blogger friends this weekend. I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday by the way!

Counting Down...

2005-10-30T23:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm officially counting down to the trip AIM and I are taking to Atlantic City. Since I haven't posted much lately, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this trip but we're going specifically for the Gwen Stefani concert but we're leaving Wednesday (of this week) and coming home on Friday. The concert is Thursday.

I am SOOOO excited. I don't what I'm more excited about though, going to the concert or just spending three days with AIM!

I'll try to post about our little trip next weekend. In the meantime, an update on my AJ... she's been seizure free since that one dreadful night. She's still a little off in terms of walking and hearing but only at times so I guess it's all good.

There's not much else to report on but I have to get back on track and either get back to the gym or start a diet. I only have 11 months until Mary and Bill get married! So, in actuality, I have about five or six months until I have to get fitted for a dress. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is! Wish me luck!

A Huge Scare

2005-10-21T10:31:00.000-04:00

This is my baby, AJ

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When I was a senior in high school, my dad brought an akita puppy home. Although she would become most attached to me, he brought her home for my mom. I was preparing to head off for college and since I'm their only child, he wanted to alleviate some of my mother's anxiety.

The only thing I minded about this, was that I'd be missing out on so much with this little ball of fur that we named AJ. Yea, I know, AJ doesn't sound very feminine. My dad wanted to name her John, after the male half of the couple he bought her from. I suggested the compromise of Annabel John, or AJ, since it was the first names of both members of the couple. So AJ she became.

For those of you who are not pet owners, I can only say that while I understand she is not human, she is SO much more than justa dog. She is a member of my family.

Which is why it was so heartbreaking on Sunday night when I woke up at 1:30 to the sounds of my baby having a seizure. In the 11 and a half years she's been with us, she has never had a seizure. It scared me to no end. Luckily, once it subsided, she was able to get up and walk on her own, though she was shaky.

We immediately rushed her to the animal hospital where they gave her valium and took a blood sample for tests. She had to stay there overnight. In the morning my mother picked her up and took her to her normal vet. The prognosis from the normal vet was slightly more promising than that of the emergency vet and she got to come home.

Knock on wood, my baby has been doing fine since she's been home. There have been no more seizures and she's walking a little better too.

Right now, we're just keeping our fingers crossed for no more seizures and for a few more good months or years together. I don't know if the comparison is appropriate, but I would imagine that this is how those of with kids feel.

Finally Answering The Tag

2005-10-15T21:49:00.000-04:00

It seems that nearly a month ago, Mary tagged me for this. Since I've been out of the loop I only saw it recently. So, finally, here I am to answer and tag some of you. If I tag you but you've already been tagged and done this, then nevermind. Unless, of course, it's been so long that you don't remember doing it!!!!

Ten years ago: I was a sophmore in college. I was rooming with my friend Melanie and had become very close to Cindi... both of whom I am still close with.

Five years ago: I was in a new relationship... one that would last five and a half years. I had just stopped working a full time and part time job. The full time job was data entry at a pharmaceutical returns warehouse and the part time was as an intern for a local publishing company. When the publishing company offered me full time, I took it, as I thought it was what I wanted to do with my life.

One year ago: I was still with my ex, though sadly, I have to admit, neither of was happy. I don't think I can thank him enough for being strong enough to be the one to say the words... not that it matters, we haven't spoken in months. I had also just celebrated my one year anniversary at my newest job (the one I'm at currently).

Five snacks: Ice cream, chocolate, cookies (chocolate chip or peanut butter), magic bars, anything Reeses (even though this could be classified as chocolate).

Five songs I know all the words to: "She's in Love with the Boy" by Trisha Yearwood, "Loneseome Dove" by Garth Brooks, "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw, "Brass Bed" by Josh Gracin and "Elvira" by the Oak Ridge Boys. (I know there's nothing but country listed here but it's all I could think of at the moment!)

Five things I would do with $100 million: Buy a house for myself with a wrap around porch and a lot of property, renovate my parents house as they wanted, buy my car, get electrolysis so that I never have to shave again, spoil the people I love.

Five things I would never wear: A thong bikini; well, let's be honest...any bikini (I'm right there with you on this one Mary!); stilettos (not because I wouldn't like to but because I'd kill myself in them); a mini-skirt (unless, of course, I were to lose some serious poundage; real fur.

Five favorite TV shows: Law & Order: SVU; Everwood; CSI; Seventh Heaven; West Wing.

Five biggest joys: My dog, AJ; spending time with my friends; being kissed; getting paid; relaxing. (Lame, I know.)

Five favorite toys: Computer; cell phone; okay... that's it.

Five people to pass this on to: Robin, Glitter, Srini, Jen, Lonna.

A Quick Hello

2005-10-15T21:15:00.000-04:00

So for the first time in a long time, I have had a lazy day to myself and it's been great!

Things are going well. AIM and I had another little thing this week (he wouldn't return my calls). Last night we finally spoke and I went by for a little while with the sole purpose of finding out what the heck had happened to make him avoid me. I had to drag it out of him, but he finally told me he just felt like he needed a few days to himself. Once again though, I stepped up and told him that he had had me worried and that if he finds himself feeling that way again, he should tell me. I also told him that I'm not interested in pushing him into something he's not ready for but that if we are going to continue seeing one another, he's got to be honest with me.

He said he understood so I guess now we'll just see what happens.

Anyway, I'm going to keep this short and go check in with everyone else now!

Checking In

2005-10-10T08:48:00.000-04:00

Before I give you all an update on me, I have to give kudos to those of you who have husbands, kids, work numerous jobs (and/or work and go to school) while keeping up with your blogs. I tried about a week or two ago to get caught up with everyone but it didn't work. I got halfway through before I had to stop and then couldn't find time. So I'm back in that same boat again.

Well, enough of that. Let's move on to the situation with AIM. I had been telling a few of my friends (jokingly) that I didn't know quite where AIM and I stood. Even though things have been really good, I wasn't sure if he had classified us as hanging out, seeing each other, dating or whatnot. We were at a party this weekend with a bunch of his friends and he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend.

About two weeks ago, he and one of his friends came out to happy hour with me and some of my friends. (Keep in mind that he lives approximately 45 minutes from me and he came out by me for happy hour.) We all had a good time and his friend, B, told me this weekend that he liked me from the get go and that he told AIM that I was one to hold onto.

Coming from B, especially after some of the things I've heard him say about women, marriage, children, etc., I think that was a huge statement. I'm happy to know that his friends (or at least one of them) feels this way.

Anyway, I impressed myself the other day. I had gotten a little annoyed with AIM because he'd invited me out to his house Thursday night when I was finished with bowling. I called him as I was walking out the door and I could tell he was out. Sure enough, he was and he was backing out of our plans. I understood that he wanted to see his friends (many of whom were visiting from upstate) but it hurt my feelings that he was backing out of plans with me. I didn't tell him right then and there but I did tell him the next day and he seemed genuinely sorry. So things are good. In the past, I never would have said what was wrong. I would have just been snotty and kept it bottled up inside.

Oh! After I told you about the Halloween party and asked for costume ideas, I found out it was going to be a movie theme. Everyone was to dress as a movie character. But update... the party is cancelled. As much as I was stressing out about finding a costume, I'm disappointed that the party's not going off now.

Well, gotta run for now. Hopefully it won't be another three weeks before I post again!

Good Times

2005-09-26T00:48:00.000-04:00

Things here are good. Things with AIM and I are moving along. He informed me today that we have two Halloween parties to go to and that I will need a costume. Any ideas? I don't think I've dressed up for Halloween since I was about 10!

I like that he is looking that far ahead. I know that one month is not really that far ahead but at this stage, it kind of is.

Anyway, I have realized that I have a tendency to put the men in my life up on pedestals. I don't think I ever mean to. As a matter of fact, I think it's more because of my own lack of self esteem. I look at the men in my life to guide me, in a sense, and wind up sort of worshipping them. I'm trying not to do that with AIM but I have to tell you that he is really sweet to me.

He bought me earrings. We've been talking since July but have only really been seeing each other for a few weeks. I wear a necklace with a heart pendant on it almost daily. He saw a pair of heart shaped earrings, thought of me and bought them for me. And that's just one example of his sweetness. There are many others but I don't care to share them all with you right now! (Sorry).

Well, I hope this wasn't too much of a teaser. I just wanted you all to know that I am still here, I'm trying to catch up with each of you and I am happy.

Back From Hiatus

2005-09-18T16:49:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I posted last and I apologize for my hiatus and for the fact that I gave you no warning whatsoever that it was coming! To be honest, I have yet to catch up with each of the folks I typically read daily... and I feel so out of the loop!

To get you all up to speed with me...

There's not really all that much that is new. I've been working my "real" job as well as the t-shirt shows (which are now done until January). At work, we've been banned from using our computers for personal use so there has been no checking e-mail or blogging during the day. I'm trying to get back to the gym and, now that it's not so wickedly hot out, walking. Oh yea, and things with AIM and I are fabulous. We talk on the phone for hours on end. Plus, we've seen one another quite a few times. He surprised me a week ago Thursday by coming to the bowling alley... something I'm hoping he does tonight, since I miss him terribly! I am going to see him tomorrow night as well.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to catch up with everyone here over the next few days. It feels like it's been forever and I miss you all! Hope everyone's doing well and I'll try not to be gone for so long again!

A 24-Hour Date

2005-09-04T21:45:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start off this entry with a very brief update on the happenings with AIM and I. On Wednesday night we spoke on the phone for approximately two hours. On Friday night, we had been chatting online for about two and a half hours when he asked if he could call me and when he did, we were on the phone for just under another two hours.

He was originally supposed to go away this weekend but stayed home because his stomach was bothering him.

Now onto the 24-hour date:

I had a t-shirt show on Saturday. AIM called me on my cell phone during the day to say hello and let me know he hadn't gone away. It got busy around that time though so I called him back as I was heading home. We had been on the phone only briefly when he asked if he could call me back in a few minutes. No problem. The show was only about 10 minutes away from home for me so I got there and signed on to check my e-mail. After a few minutes, AIM IMs me apologizing for ending our phone conversation a little while earlier.

So we were chatting. Since he was home, I asked if he had any plans for the weekend. He said no and I asked if he wanted company. He said sure if I didn't mind going to him and asked if I'd like to go to dinner. I said that would be great but that I was going to have to get in the shower first and gave him an approximate time that I would be leaving my house.

When I got out of the shower, there was a message from him saying that if I'd like to stay with him for the night, I was welcome.

Without putting too much thought into it (since everyone tells me I need to stop overthinking and just start doing) I packed a bag and headed out the door.

I got to his house and we went out to dinner and then back to his house where we watched my favorite Disney movie ever... The Lion King. (We'd been talking about Broadway shows ealier in the week and I said I wanted to see TLK. He said he had seen it and it was good but that he hadn't seen the movie. So I suggested I bring it over.)

About halfway through the movie he took my hand and held it for the rest of the movie. After the movie, we began to kiss and kiss and kiss some more. A little after three in the morning, I informed him that I'd be staying and he retrieved my bag from the car for me.

I also informed him that there would be no sex. Not on this particular night anyway. He didn't ask any questions as to why and he didn't try to push the issue. He said it was fine and that I shouldn't worry about it. I thanked him and he said there was no need to.

Anyway, he offered to sleep separately, if I would be more comfortable but said if I wanted to sleep with him it didn't mean anything had to happen. I stayed with him and we continued to just kiss for a few more hours. He amazed me. I felt wonderful with him. He stroked my face when he kissed me, held my hands, looked me in the eye, and told me I had a beautiful smile. We finally fell asleep around 6 am.

When he finally decided we should get out of bed, it was almost 1:30. Before he showered, he asked if I'd like him to make breakfast and he suggested pancakes. (This is important because pancakes are my all time favorite breakfast food and he has no way of knowing this.) So, he made pancakes.

After breakfast, he asked if I'd like to stay for a while longer because his next door neighbors were having a little get together in the backyard. I stayed and had a good time. They were friendly, funny, generous people. Also, it didn't hurt that AIM kissed me and held my hand while there a number of times.

Finally, I left to come home (more because I didn't have the foresight to bring enough clothes for tomorrow than anything)! It was, from the time I left my house yesterday to the time I pulled into the driveway today, almost 24 hours.

I'm so incredibly tired right now, it's not even funny but I am feeling wonderful.

When It Rains...

2005-08-29T20:05:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought things could not get any better...

Last night I spoke to AIM and we had a good conversation. He said he was trying to get tickets to see Gwen Stefani in November and asked if I would go to the show with him. Of course, I said yes. (Just for the record, I do like Gwen Stefani... I would just probably never buy concert tickets for her unless it was for someone else.)

Anyway, I was happy. We still don't have any short-term plans for getting together but things are moving forward now so I can't complain. I like AIM and I'm happy.

And I have to mention that Lonna commented on my last entry that my experiences are reminding her of when she first met her husband. Why is this significant and worth mentioning here you ask? Because normally, this kind of comment would scare the shit out of me and have me running away from anything even remotely resembling commitment. Not so at the moment though. As a matter of fact, that comment put a HUGE smile on my face. (Thanks Lonna!)

I'm not saying I'm in love with AIM (not now anyway) but I'm not about to close the door on the possibility either.

Of course, now that things are moving forward with us, it figures that one of the ladies I bowl with wants me to contact one of her friends who has a son that is looking for a nice girl. "No one wants to match make, but if he needs a friend and you need a friend and something happens to come of it..." All of these months I've been using to heal my emotional aches and all of a sudden there is a rainstorm of men.

Okay, okay... two men is not quite a rainstorm but it's still two men! Interesting how things happen. Isn't it?

Wahoo!

2005-08-27T23:09:00.000-04:00

I was trying to explain to T tonight that it almost seemed like my kiss with AIM never happened. Not because I don't remember it but because it seemed like nothing had changed after it.

During the week, this week, we still only spoke to one another online and while that's good and fun, there are just some things I don't want to talk about unless it's in person. And of course there was the fact that no plans had been made or even suggested about when we could get together again.

So, as happy as I was to have kissed him, there was that question in my mind about where things could go with us. I know I said I was going to relax and just see what happened but it's easier said than done! I really was trying not to over think things and for the most part, I did good but there was that little question back there in my brain.

Back to my point though. When he told me he'd call me one night while he was gone, my response was, "sure. that'd be cool." I honestly did not expect that he would call. When my phone rang this afternoon and I saw his name on the caller ID though, I was ecstatic!

He's upstate this weekend for a race and when he called he explained that he hardly has service on his cell phone there except for on the track but one of the trucks was having a problem so there was a delay and, "I thought this would be a good time to call you." At the very least that means he was thinking of me. At the most (maybe) he was thinking of me a lot! I feel good about that.

I know it's not terribly excited to you but I'm excited about it. Wahoo!

Funny How The Mind Works

2005-08-26T16:39:00.000-04:00

With no Internet connection at work this week and the phones being pretty quiet, I've had plenty of time to entertain AIM-induced memories and scenarios. It's pretty funny how the mind works. See, part of my putting everything down here is not so much to entertain y'all as it is to keep me from forgetting what has happened in my life. With this down time though I remembered some things that I didn't write about. So, here I am to write about them!

One thing was when he whispered to me, in between kisses, that I was trouble. Hmmm... having the benefit of not being mere centimeters from those lips that I so enjoyed kissing got me thinking about this comment. Could it be that AIM is just as nervous as me? Could he already have played some of the same scenarios as me through his brain? Interesting concept.

Obviously he's interested though I cannot honestly say that he initiated the kiss. It was like we were drawn together. I remember him walking towards me and being about two feet away and the next thing I recall is being attached at the lips.

There was no hesitation. There was no pounding heart. There was no shortness of breath. What was there then? There was comfort and, oddly enough, familiarity. Yes, that's right. Kissing him was familiar. Not the kissing part mind you but the kissing HIM part. Uh-huh. Who's in trouble now?

Anyway, as I mentioned in one of my other posts... AIM is away this weekend. He said he'd call and he hasn't (at least not yet). To be honest though, I don't expect him to. Maybe because this is what happened when he was on vacation or maybe because I'm still trying to take things slowly and since we're not dating...

I was sort of cranky last night and even this morning because, truth be told, I want to talk to him. But right now, I'm feeling less cranky. I still want to talk to him. And I want to see him. And man-oh-man, do I ever want to kiss him?! But I'm going to try to relax a bit and just let things be and see what happens. And maybe I'll suggest getting together to him the next time we talk.

7 Things...

2005-08-25T17:10:00.000-04:00

7 Things I plan to do before I die:

Find the love of my life
Get married
Own a home
Have kids
Visit all of the places I want to visit
Rock climb
Parasail

7 Things I can do:

Smile big
Laugh loud
Love fully
Bitch and moan
Listen
Blog/write
Talk

7 Things I cannot do*:

Ride roller coasters
Explain rules of grammar
Play piano
Drive stick
Figure out how to print pictures on the stupid printer I have
Sing well
Walk and carry a kid

7 Things that attract me to the opposite sex:

Smile
Eyes
Hands
Openness/Friendliness
Height (I'm sorry, I like my men taller)
Interaction with others
Common Sense

7 Things I say most often:

Do you really think he likes me?
Good morning/afternoon
I'm sorry, she's not in the office right now. Would you like to leave a message?
What? I can't hear you.
F**k
S**t
Damn it

7 Celebrity crushes (I don't really do celebrity crushes anymore so I'm going to give you the ones I can remember from my youth):

Corey Haim (The Lost Boys-- as well as a ton of other movies with Corey Feldman)
Donnie Wahlberg (NKOTB)
Brett Michaels (Poison)
Janie Lane (Warrant)
Steven Tyler (Aerosmith)
Kip Winger (Winger)
Jason Priestly (Beverly Hills 90210)

7 People I Want To Do This:

Time For An Analysis

2005-08-25T16:49:00.000-04:00

Since we kissed on Sunday night, I can hardly stop thinking about AIM. This is not to say that I haven't been thinking of him incessantly for some time prior to the kiss but since the kiss even more so.

My therapist thinks it's VERY strange that after this kiss, he did not suggest the possibility of us getting together. I suggested that maybe he is just trying to take things slow. With raised eyebrows, she gave me a look that said, "and sticking his tongue in your mouth is taking it slow?" But (and this is a weakness for me) I had to point out that I also did not make any suggestion to get together. Okay, okay, so I know and you all know that I was waiting for him to make the suggestion but what if he was thinking I'd make the suggestion?

I've been trying very hard not to overanalyze things with AIM. I like him and am confident, finally, that he likes me as well. To what extent I'm not sure but it seems to be more and more with each time we talk or see each other. Granted, the fact that neither of us seems to be asking the other to do stuff makes this a slow process but maybe slow is good.

Glitter (gotta love her) has reminded me that AIM and I have both been through hard times this year. Although I have been single for eight months and am fairly certain this potential relationship is not a rebound thing, AIM also lost his mother recently and unfortunately, spent a great deal of time by her bedside watching her succumb to the cancer. Maybe I am not a priority to him right now. It's certainly understandable. I have had to resist the urge to call, text or e-mail him plenty of times to appear as if I am not focused on him and him alone.

He is away this weekend (was supposed to leave this morning but I'm not sure if he did or not) and has plans to go away next weekend. The two weekends following that, I will be away. I have considered asking him, the next time we talk, if he'd like to get together one night next week (during the week). On one hand, I'd really like him to be the one to do the asking but on the other hand I feel like if I don't, I'll keep wondering.

I'd like to spend some time talking to him and getting to know him (yea, okay, and kissing him some more) but there's so much that I don't want to talk about via e-mail, IM or even on the phone. I know people do it all the time but I feel like he lives close enough that we shouldn't have to do it that way. Does that make sense?

The other idea I've been tossing around today is something I could maybe say to him the next time we see one another about wanting to be open with one another and if he's not into the idea of dating me or whatever, that's fine, but that I need to know that. Ideas? Suggestions?

A Quick Update From Cloud 9

2005-08-21T21:53:00.000-04:00

Things went well today. It was DISGUSTINGLY hot and humid out and neither my employers or AIM's employer were extremely busy but everything else was cool.

AIM and I spoke quite a bit and at one point, I was helping a customer and when I turned around, AIM was standing there with an ice cold soda for me. He didn't ask if I was thirsty. He knew how hot it was and just brought me a drink.

After we had all packed up our goods, T and I decided to hang around a bit. Well, okay, T agreed to hang out a bit specifically so that AIM and I could spend some time together. We went and sat with some of his friends and were flirty and at one point, there was some more hand holding. But when T and I were getting ready to leave, AIM kissed me. A lot. For a long time. It was really nice and I'm quite happy right now.

WTF Happened To Me Today?!

2005-08-20T21:57:00.000-04:00

Um... hi. Okay, so I know I promised to update you on any developments with AIM since he returned from vacation. This is just what I promised and, I warn you, it has the potential to be VERY long and humiliatingly hysterical.

When he returned from his trip, AIM and I resumed our daily IM conversations. I have almost entirely abandoned checking my personal e-mail at work though so our conversations have either been in the early morning, before work, or early evening, after work. Friday, I did happen to check my e-mail during work hours and was DUMBFOUNDED to see this message from him asking if my girlfriend, T, and I would like to stay at his house on Saturday night.

I guess I should have prefaced that by telling you that we are all working this weekend for the state tournament (Fire Department Racing). AIM lives about 10 minutes from the location of the tournament while my girlfriend and I both live about an hour away.

Anyway, I still sort of FREAKED out. I mean, here's this guy who hasn't actually asked me out yet asking me if I'd like to stay at his house. DUH! Yea, I'd have liked to but... W-O-W.

I spoke to AIM on the phone last night and told him it was a thoughtful and very sweet suggestion but that we weren't sure and would let him know today. T and I both brought clothes and had decided that depending on what time we were there until tonight and what time we had to be there in the morning, we just might stay.

Okay, so the day is going along just fine. AIM and I are quite flirty. We keep visiting each other at our respective booths. We're talking. We're laughing. We're having fun. And, dare I say, we're both feeling comfortable.

At one point T and I got swamped with customers. When it finally settled down, AIM caught my eye and I went to say hello. He put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder and, although it was a brief encounter, it was very nice. Later on, we were standing next to each other and were both teasing T, who was standing a few feet away. But he held my hand, again, only briefly, but... wow.

I could not really have been happier at this point. Everything seemed just about perfect. Well, I should have known better. Here's where it gets humiliatingly hilarious.

One of my other friends shows up with her daughter (my goddaughter). This beautiful little girl comes running over to me and I pick her up. She's six mind you. Anyway, I start to walk over with her in my arms to see T when I step in what is essentially described as a pothole. Thinking as fast as I could, I tried my best to do a 007 manuever in which I could prevent my goddaughter from hitting the ground or worse yet, hitting the ground and then having me land on top of her since I went down... hard... on both knees.

She wasn't hurt and I have only bruised pride and skinned knees, thank goodness. Anyway, AIM was one of the first people to me (because he just had to see this totally clutzy thing I did). He asked if I was okay and I said yes. Once it was then determined that my goddaughter was okay... and her mother whisked her away... he kept asking me if I was okay. (Very sweet).

I joked about it and kept smiling but I kept stepping in those damn potholes! I didn't fall again but I honestly, after that incident, became a danger to myself and those around me. Okay, so that is a little dramatic but it's sort of how I felt and so I became cranky. Oh yea, my crankiness had NOTHING to do with the fact that some of his friends (whom I haven't yet had the chance to meet) witnessed this entire thing as well.

AIM was good about it though. I mentioned that I was feeling a bit cranky and he gave me some space. He was still making faces at me from across the aisle but he was letting me work through my crankiness on my own, which I appreciated.

At this point, my employers decided it was time to close up shop and go home for the night. We packed everything up and I, during this time, managed to not only pinch my finger in the cash box and then in a fold-up table but then step in a few more potholes and nearly fall a few more times.

Our employers left but T and I hung out for a bit with AIM. We all joked about my clutziness (though at this point it was getting to be a little too much for me) and unanimously decided that even though T and I had come to the tournament in my car with me driving... I should NOT be the one to drive home, despite the fact that all I drank today was water and soda.

AIM and his employer were staying for a while longer and then AIM was going to hang out with some friends who were there so I thanked him again for his generous offer and explained that since it was early and we don't have to be there until 11 am tomorrow, that we would be going home. He seemed to totally understand.

He gave me a half a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I said good-bye but after T said good-night and gave him a kiss on the cheek... he gave me another half a hug and kiss on the cheek.

With T driving, we leave the tournament. Our employers had given us directions (since we had to take some back roads that neither of us are familiar with) but by the time we left we had both forgotten them. Okay, not that we forgot so much as we couldn't agree on what we'd been told. I called AIM's cell phone and when he answered, I asked, "how do I get home again?" He laughed so hard that it took him a minute to compose himself and remind me how to get to the highway. Once we were on the parkway, I sent him a text message saying that we'd found it, thanks again and that I'd see him tomorrow. He responded that I should let him know when I got home. I left a voicemail.

Now, I am in the safety of my own home, so I think, when I slip on some water on the bathroom floor and land on one of my knees. Just wonderful. I am almost afraid to go to sleep because I feel like something will crawl into my ear or I'll wake up with some sort of deformity or something that would make tomorrow top today.

I suppose, since he didn't run screaming from my COMPLETE lack of finesse today, that he is interested. That thought has me wondering what's wrong with him though?! (That was a joke).

He Gave Me His Spoon

2005-08-19T08:44:00.000-04:00

Before too long here, I'll give y'all an update on the situation with AIM.

Right now I only have a short amount of time though so I'm going to share something from our I think it's a date. But I'm not sure it's a date. But he opened the car door for me so it's got to be a date. God, I really hope it's a date. But I didn't kiss him so maybe he didn't think it was a date.

When we ordered dinner he got shrimp with angel hair pasta and I got chicken with spaghetti. Being primarily Polish, I grew up cutting my spaghetti. My ex was Italian though and insisted that I learn to twirl my spaghetti and I did.

AIM's dinner came with a spoon while mine did not. However, I was not about to abandon my twirling skills so I tried anyway. AIM commented on my twirling and I told him it was much easier with a spoon (at this point I didn't realize his dinner had come with one). Anyway, he offerred me his spoon. I questioned how he was going to twirl and I had to laugh when he picked up his knife and cut his pasta!

I hadn't yet mentioned that part of the I think it's a date. But I'm not sure it's a date. But he opened the car door for me so it's got to be a date. God, I really hope it's a date. But I didn't kiss him so maybe he didn't think it was a date. I have a few reasons for mentioning it now: 1) I don't want to forget it because I really thought it was very sweet; 2) It was short and I could post it pretty quickly; and 3) I HAD to give y'all something!

Emotional Idiocy At Its Best

2005-08-11T10:55:00.000-04:00

Recap:

I e-mailed AIM on Saturday and said I would give him a call on Sunday or Monday. Yes, maybe this was overkill since he is on vacation but I wanted to hear his voice. I am such a lame-o girl. On Sunday night I called and left a voicemail message. Shortly after that I signed online and there was an e-mail from AIM saying he would call me on Monday. After having already left him a voicemail, I opted against answering the e-mail. I figured that would REALLY be overkill. Today is Thursday. I have not heard from him. At all. Not an e-mail, text message or phone call. I am one cranky bitch right now.

Yesterday, during my lunch break I went to the book store and purchased a copy of He's Just Not That Into You. Sure, I'd heard all the hype about it when the book first came out but I didn't need help! For crying out loud, I was in a 5-plus year relationship. How, after that long, could he not be into me?

Anyway, I purchased, started and finished the book yesterday. It was good. It seems very black and white, cut and dry, and based on common sense. Some of the lessons, for those of you who have not read it, include:

Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking. (But what about what the other article said about this being okay?)
Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. (But he's on my mind and I haven't called him again... maybe we just had a miscommunication and he IS thinking of me and missing me terribly.)
You deserve a fucking phone call.
You are good enough to be asked out.
There's a guy out there who wants to marry you.
He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he's just not that into you.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
You already have one asshole. You don't need another.

These are some of my favorite points the book makes. Of course, they sort of conflict with the article I posted from the other day that says it's okay to make the first move, to ask a guy out.

Confused? Yes, I am. I think that is fairly obvious. I have not tried to make contact with AIM since Sunday. I am going to see what happens. If, when I do see/talk to him again, he says anything about it, I'm playing around with this response (let me know what you think):

"I am 29 years old. I have loved deeply and been hurt deeply. I am ready to find a man who is not going to jerk me around, who makes it known that I am important to him through both his words and actions and who follows through with what he says he is going to do and I will not settle for less than that."

Earlier in the week I explained to a very good friend that I am disappointed and hurt by the fact that he did not call (mostly because he said he would) and that I was disappointed in myself for obviously being so wrong about people. I had a really good feeling about him... that he was a good, nice man.

I know that I have not so subtly implied that I would like to see where I could go with AIM in terms of a relationship but I also want to be his friend. Yes, I have been impatient with the speed, or lack thereof, with which our budding relationship has been going. But I do want to get to know him better before I jump into something serious.

It has been suggested to me that AIM is a good and nice man. That he does like me because afterall, he has called me since he's been gone... just not this time, when he said he would. It has also been suggested that I just play it cool, not mention anything about my disappointment and not wait. So why, even after reading this book and having so many discussions on this subject, do I still want to hold out hope?

I Can't Seem To Stop Writing...

2005-08-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

May I just say for the umpteenth time that I am so very grateful that Mary introduced me to blogging and that I absolutely adore the friends I've made as a result?

This post is one that has been inspired by Srini, my lone regular male reader. While you ladies out there are always supportive and insightful, Srini has been asking me questions regarding my obsessive fixation (is that redundant?) on AIM and where things may or may not be heading with us. *Before I continue, thanks for making me look inside myself for the answers, Srini!*

I used to have friends who were ALWAYS in relationships. They could be brokenhearted about the end of a relationship on Friday and by Monday have a new boyfriend. I'm serious. There were some friends who seemed to NEED a boyfriend. It was like they didn't exist if they were not seeing someone. I never understood this and still don't to be quite honest. I kind of like my solo time. Though I should admit that I tend to lose my time when I enter into a relationship.

For me, it's always been important to heal when a relationship ends, which is why I have not sought out any male companionship since the big breakup. (Since AIM sought me out that is.) I don't like the idea of rebound relationships. I would never want to be one and therefore don't think I could do that to someone else either. It's the same as flings/one night stands/hooking up/no strings attached. (I am NOT judging anyone here, these are things I am not comfortable with for me, is all I'm saying.)

So it's been quite a few months since I reentered the single life and I've been using my time to get reacquainted with myself and to relearn how to appreciate solo time and me in general.

I have gotten starry-eyed with AIM. I know this. And at times, quite frankly, it has been nearly unbearable for me.

With all of this said, what is it that I want? I'll tell you. I want to find a man who will love me deeply, respect me and cherish me as a woman, person and eventually also as a wife and mother. I don't think this is unrealistic, unattainable or too much to ask for. When I do find this man, I would like to have at least two children with him as well.

I think I need to take Robin's advice and make a mental list of what it is that I will and will not put up with on the road to finding this man. I also need to draw the line on making excuses for other people (i.e., he's on vacation and just got busy, he forgot what day is was, maybe he thought it was too late to call, etc.). But as I said in an earlier post, short of saying he would call, AIM has absolutely NO obligation to me. We are merely talking right now.

SIDEBAR:
I saw this article online today and felt it had some relevance to AIM and I. I have included the link to it as I have also shortened it somewhat to suit my blog.

Dating & Relating How to ask him out By Randy B. Hecht
How often have you met a guy who seems worth getting to know better — a neighbor, a classmate, a friend of a friend, whatever — and been disappointed because he didn’t take the next step? If you’re so interested in this guy, why don’t you make a move?

If you’re ready to give it a try, remember these tips:

Be confident, charming and calm. Or at least pretend to be. This may be your first time asking a guy out, but he doesn’t have to know that. (Yea, I forgot this part.)

Grab a natural segue. Look for some opening in your conversations that can allow the invitation to be made as naturally as possible. (Did this successfully.)

Be direct and specific. Let’s have none of that wishy-washy “Would you like to go out some time?” business. Have a date and activity in mind and issue a full invitation. (Did this successfully.)

Keep it simple. For a first date, something casual and relaxed is a better bet than something overtly romantic or intimate. (Did this successfully.)

Don’t overwhelm him. Many men are perfectly cool with — even attracted to — the idea of a woman who will make the first move. If he does accept, the ball’s in his court to ask you out for your second date.*

*This is where we stand now.

"Female Magazines Evolve to Feature Flabby"

2005-08-09T16:22:00.000-04:00

Weight is a big issue with me. I was a chubby kid and have grown into a somewhat overweight woman. I read this article in a local paper today and wanted to share it. I think it's great that these magazines are featuring more realistic girls rather than models who set unrealistic goals for young girls. I'm not sure I like the headline though. But it served its purpose and got me to read the article so I probably should zip it. Anyway, here's the article.

Female Magazines Evolve to Feature Flabby

By COLLEEN LONG
Associated Press Writer

August 9, 2005, 2:47 PM EDT

NEW YORK -- Mixed among the pages of dazzling celebrities and rail-thin models that dominate fashion and teen magazines is a surprising sight: young women with thick thighs and flabby abs.

In Seventeen, Teen People, CosmoGirl! and Teen Vogue are bathing suit sections partly illustrated by less-than-perfect figures and tips on maximizing assets and minimizing defects.

Editors say they are using more average women and fewer models to reflect changing body types and to help self-conscious teens see that not everyone is perfect.

"It's not going to help my reader if we only show girls who are size 6's," said Atoosa Rubenstein, editor of Seventeen magazine. "Everyone is beautiful, it's just a matter of confidence, and we try to show that."

Teen People recently featured a story about Brittany Harper, a plus-sized 20-year-old who has competed in and won several beauty pageants against average-sized girls in North Carolina and currently holds the USA Eastern Miss title. Harper, from Goldsboro, N.C., said she's pleased to see more overweight women in magazines.

"I think maybe seeing someone like me in a magazine makes you realize that you don't have to be skinny to be pretty," she said. "People see skinny girls in magazines and they think that's what normal is when it's not the case."

Harper said she started entering the pageants because she was shy and self-conscious but now she's happy with her body.

In May 2004, Glamour Magazine broke a barrier of sorts by putting the sizable Queen Latifah on the cover. It outsold the May 2003 cover which featured svelte actresses Halle Berry and Rebecca Romijn.

Dove recently started an ad campaign featuring "real" women -- ranging from size 6 to 14 -- that shows them wearing only bras, panties and big smiles on billboards, bus stops and trains in Chicago, New York, and other cities. The ads are designed to sell products from Dove's firming collection -- lotions and creams meant to reduce the appearance of cellulite.

Rubenstein, who joined Seventeen two years ago after launching CosmoGirl!, said her priority has been to reflect the population. She said most of the girls in the style and beauty sections are not models, and variety helps illustrate cosmetics for different body and skin types. The magazine shows five skin tones now to reflect different ethnic groups.

"If you were a South Asian girl, you would have thought you didn't exist in this country if you looked at magazines," Rubenstein said. "Indian girls, girls from all over were just being neglected."

Seventeen's casting director chooses girls in malls, on the street, and anywhere she can find them for beauty and fitness sections. The magazine has increased newsstand sales by 17 percent in the past two years.

"It doesn't make good business sense to stay the same," Rubenstein said. "Girls today have so many different role models they wouldn't stand for it if they only saw the same thing every time they looked at Seventeen."

Jane Keltner, fashion news editor at Teen Vogue, said it's inspirational for girls to see how their peers are dressing.

"We try to use all shapes and sizes, but we're especially interested in their sense of personal expression and style," Keltner said.

Teen Vogue picks non-models for snapshot portraits highlighting individual styles, and also showcases cool bedrooms. The back-to-school issues followed girls in Boston and Dallas as they shopped for clothes and school supplies.

Emily Weiss, 20, was chosen to go thrift shopping with the magazine in her hometown of Wilton, Conn. She is thin and pretty, but said she was chosen because of her individual style.

"Women's magazines are fantastical and highly stylized," she said. "For a magazine to incorporate real fashion from real people off the street is important."

Experts are lauding the shift, but say the industry still puts too much pressure on girls to be thin and conventionally beautiful. And there's no question magazines are still putting thin, beautiful celebrities on their covers.

Mary Pipher, author of a book about teen girls and body image, "Reviving Ophelia," says anything that shows realistic women is a step in the right direction to help girls gain self-esteem. She argues in her books that teens are defined and pressured by the need to be beautiful.

"Presenting a broader range of beauty, even if it's under the guise of selling cosmetics, gives girls more permission to think they too are attractive," she said. "The ideal message is you're great just the way you are and you don't have to spend any money, but of course they need to sell magazines."

Jean Kilbourne, creator of the "Killing Us Softly" educational film series shown in schools, has been tracking the influence of media on women for the past 30 years. She says the pressure has never been worse.

"The ideal is more impossible than ever before," she said. "Technology now makes it possible to take a human being and make her flawless by using digital alteration, whittling down her thighs, whatever needs to be done."

Kilbourne said the international obsession with celebrities also adds to the pressure, making girls believe they should be able to look like Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts.

"Showing real girls is just great sociologically," she said. "Not only does it make more sense to show how a bathing suit will transform a person's body by using a real body, but it makes women feel like they aren't alone out there, that they are beautiful too."

Disappointment

2005-08-09T08:54:00.000-04:00

AIM had said he'd call me yesterday. I was excited. I have been missing him and I really wanted to hear his voice.

But yesterday came and went with no phone call, no text messages and no e-mails/instant messages. I was/am bummed out by this.

Part of this is purely emotional (because, wow, I do like him) and part of it is because we've been working on building something (whether it be a friendship or a relationship remains to be seen) but without trust we can't have anything. Am I being very dramatic with the trust issue? I mean, in any sort of relationship, trust is non-negotiable. I'm not saying that people aren't ever going to disappoint you or fail to meet your expectations. I suppose it would probably be best if I stopped trying to analyze it and see what happens now.

I fully understand that short of telling me he would call, the man has absolutely no obligation to me. We are, after all, only talking. But I'm confused. I thought he was interested in me and quite frankly something like this (as little as it is) makes me wonder. Again, am I being dramatic here?

Hahaha! You know, I was reading my daily dose of blogs the other day and realized that I seem to be in a different boat than my other single blogger buddies who are dating several men where I have been focused on getting to know this one. I was going to blog about it then but opted against it. Hmmm... funny how things work out, eh?

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-09T08:30:00.000-04:00

I have to offer my official congratulations to two of my blogging buddies. In one instance the sentiment is a wee bit late and in the other pretty darn early.

First, I would like to offer belated congratulations to Baby Mhari, and her mommmy and daddy, Robin and Ken. This leads me to point out, in case you hadn't noticed, that The Womb is no longer on my list of links. In case you were having trouble with the connection... Mhari is no longer in The Womb and therefore has a new blog about her adventures on the outside that you can link to here or on the list of links, if you'd like.

My second round of congratulations goes out to my cousin, Mary, who called me the other night to tell me that she has become engaged. W-O-W. I just can't find the words to show you all how happy I am for her.

Well, they say everything happens in threes... who else has good news?

Two For Two

2005-08-06T19:47:00.000-04:00

He said he'd call on Friday and he called. Well, sort of. We exchanged several text messages. As far as I'm concerned though, it counts.

The first message came a little before 11 pm. I had been thinking of him all day but since he's on vacation and since we're just talking I don't want to be constantly calling, etc. Around 10 pm I began thinking that he'd forgotten that he'd said he would call. Then I got the text message.

I sent him an e-mail this morning and told him I'd call him in a day or so and wished him a wonderful visit and vacation.

What it comes down to (right now) is that I'm feeling optimistic and that is a feeling I have to get used to having again!

Assorted Thoughts...

2005-08-04T08:49:00.000-04:00

He called. His first night on the road and he already called. :-) I felt good about that. Especially since I was surprised that he called so soon. We spoke for nearly 20 minutes and he said he'd call me again on Friday. Interesting.

In related thoughts, it has been suggested to me (by a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent friend) that I am putting too much pressure on the possible relationship with AIM. Hmmm... that's not something I'm thrilled to hear but I'll admit that it is completely true.

There is a lot of pressure. It's been so long since I've been single that I'm just really unsure of everything. I am fine getting to know people but I sort of freak when that element of romantic interest shows up. I panic. What the heck is wrong with me? I'm nearly 30, I want to get married and I want to have kids. So why am I acting like such a drama queen? I think you all know what I mean... I want to show my good qualities. I also want to hide the psycho-like qualities from any potential mate. I think I've been doing a good job of that with AIM so far but I feel a lot of pressure not to fail again.

I know, I know. It takes two to make a relationship work and any relationship that doesn't isn't so much a failure as it is a stepping stone on the path of growth to the relationship that will work.

So I must say thank you to my beautiful, wonderful, intelligent friend who offered me this insight. I appreciate you and your perspective. My gratitude goes out to all of my blogging friends as well. Without your help, I'd really be a mess!

Isn't Therapy Supposed To Make You Feel BETTER?

2005-08-03T18:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, so a fact I may or may not have mentioned is that after the big breakup I started therapy. It's something I had thought a great deal about over the years but never really had the nerve to do because, well, I'm fine. I'm not sick and I certainly don't need help sorting through my feelings. I mean, really, I have friends for that.

Even though I had all of those opinions about why I shouldn't go to therapy... somewhere inside I knew I needed it. I knew that there was so much inside that could really drag me down and suffocate me if I let it. The big breakup was the catalyst to the proverbial damn breaking. After about two months, when I was still crying ALL of the time, etc., I decided to seek out help. Although my friends are great, I knew I needed more.

The process has not been wonderful with each and every session. There are days when the therapist pushes my buttons and pisses me off and days where she is really great.

Today was one of the days where she pissed me off. We discussed my very intense inner rage today. I have strong anger issues where my parents are concerned (something I really didn't need a therapist to identify) and am apparently very angry at AIM for backing out of yesterday so late in the day. (I identified some annoyance but anger/rage are not words I would have used for that particular situation.)

Anyway, I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better. Sure, I know, sometimes you have to feel worse on the road to feeling better but I've been doing that. So where does this come from?

Am I really angry at AIM? Disappointed? Yes. Hurt? Sure. But angry? I don't know about that.

Believe In Yourself

2005-08-03T09:56:00.000-04:00

I found this last night. It was never lost, not really. It just wasn't in plain sight, therefore not at the forefront of my brain. Anyway, I've had it for a long time and just wanted to share since I think it's worth it...

Believe in yourself,

what you think, what you feel,

Believe in the truth,

in the good, the ideal,

Believe that your dreams

can someday become real...

Forever and always,

believe.

Believe in yourself

and in what you can do,

Believe in the goals

that you strive to pursue,

Believe in the friends

who believe in you, too...

Forever and always,

believe.

What A Waste...

2005-08-03T08:48:00.000-04:00

I had really hoped to have something exciting and happy to share with you all today but as it turns out, I don't. All of my efforts at fixing AIM a Roadtrip Survival Kit Rebecca-style were for naught as he bailed on me last night.

On Monday, he said he would call me on Tuesday to let me know what time I could come out to his place. I had suggested going out there right after work (since I get out at 4) or waiting a little longer. He responded that he hoped we could have dinner together. I was on Cloud 9.

I think it was finally around 6:30 last night when he showed up online and apologized for not calling sooner. He wouldn't say it so I finally asked if it would be better if I didn't go out there and he said "yes, unfortunately, I think it would be better since I still have so much to do." Well then, get off the freaking computer!

Even though my little travel kit was no big deal, I was disappointed not to give it to him.

And I suppose that's what the real issue is here. I'm surprised at how disappointed I am. Because really the package was no big deal.

I Hate Bra Shopping

2005-08-01T19:08:00.000-04:00

There's really no way to do this other than to just jump right in, so...

I hate bra shopping. It is embarrassing, to say the least. I mean, I'm nearly 30... I've been wearing a bra for a LONG time. How could I possibly NOT know what size I am?

I'll tell you how. I've lost and gained so much weight in recent years (and unfortunately my bust is the last place to gain but the first place to lose) that I've just sort of kept wearing whatever size I was wearing when this particular yo-yo cycle began.

Today, I decided I needed a new bra (I'll explain why shortly since I'm making up for lost time here). There's a store, across the street from work that specializes in helping women find the proper bra. So, after work, this is where I headed first.

Luckily for me (since I blush fairly easily) a saleswoman asked if I needed any help. And, for once in my life in this type of situation, I was honest and told her that yes, I did need help. I explained that I have a blouse that has a rather low cut and I was looking for a bra that I could wear with it that wouldn't pop out of the front of said very plunging neckline.

I explain how I've lost and gained weight and am not certain what size bra I should be wearing so we go into the dressing area for her to measure me. Not a bad deal. The last time I got measured (at a different store), the saleswoman measured me right out on the main floor. Thankfully there was no one else in the store at the time!

But back to today. We go into the dressing area and the woman measures me and then asks what size I wear. Ummm... hello? You just measured me. Shouldn't you know this? If I was certain what size I should wear, would I have let you measure me? These thoughts I kept to myself though. She's just trying to help afterall. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding the delivery of the question.

Okay, so I tell her what size I'm currently wearing and she scoots out to find me something to try on. Now I'm standing in the dressing room feeling pretty weird that I don't have anything to do and not wanting to make nice though not really informed saleslady nervous by hovering so I continue to wait.

She finally returns with a bra. Strapless but that goes pretty much down to your waist and hooks all the way up the back. Not bad if I'm going to be in a gown. But, I'm searching for this elusive bra specifically to wear with one blouse. I explain this to her and off she goes again. This time she again returns with only one bra but it's a regular strapless and even though I didn't have the blouse with me, I think it'll work but if it doesn't, well, I didn't have a strapless bra so I guess maybe I needed one.

Here's the best part though. I try on the bra and see her lurking outside the dressing room (which only has a curtain, rather than a door) and just as I notice her... yep. You guessed it. She rips the curtain open and tells me how nice the bra looks on me.

E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G-!

Anyway, I bought the bra. Now, I should probably try it on with the blouse and make sure it's okay before I wear it tomorrow to see AIM.

Yup. That's right. We made a breakthrough and have finally spoken on the phone and I am going to see him again tomorrow night. He's going to visit some friends in Florida for two weeks. He's driving and leaving home on either Wednesday or Thursday. So I have prepared a little Road Trip Survival Kit Rebecca-style. Said kit will include a six pack of bottled water, one of those foldable coolers that you just need ice packs for, 2 packs each of three types of gum (right brand, hopefully one is the right flavor) and a little container of my homemade peanut butter cup cookies.

All he knows is that I have something for him to take with him. I'm excited about giving this to him. There's nothing big or time consuming about my little kit but it'll show him that I've been thinking about him. And hopefully it'll make him think of me while he's gone! Yay!

I Don't Know...

2005-07-25T08:37:00.000-04:00

I don't know. That's what it all boils down to. And that scares me.

On Saturday, AIM and I went to a baseball game. We met my supervisor and her family there and had a nice time. Afterwards, we went to dinner (just AIM and I). He drove to the game, paid for the parking, paid for dinner, opened doors for me and was great to be around. I like him.

Yesterday morning I sent a short note via e-mail thanking him again and telling him that I had a good time. He hasn't responded (but I know he's read it---note to AOL, I don't know if this feature is a blessing or a curse).

Not hearing from him worries me some. I'm trying to take things slowly and get to know him. I have to learn how to relax!

Anyway, it was time for me to post something but before I get really crazy with self-doubt, I'm going to end this post. Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay?

Bummer Of A Night...

2005-07-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight's plans were to meet up with some of the women from work and their families at a nearby state park to enjoy food, drinks, each other's company, live music by the New York Philharmonic and, as icing on the proverbial cake, a fireworks display.

I picked up my supervisor around 2:30 this afternoon and we packed up the cooler, blankets and chairs and went to pick up food for us and her boyfriend, who would be meeting us there later on. We got wonderful paninis and an awesome chocolate mousse cheesecake (to celebrate her birthday).

Pulling up to the toll booth at the entrance of the park was a sign waiving the usual $8.00 parking fee and asking for a donation. Okay. So we paid the $8.00. We got there early enough to get a great parking space and staked out an area large enough for our group, which was a perfect distance from both the parking area and the stage.

The rest of our group arrived bearing 2 bottles of champagne and more food. (What I hadn't mentioned is that we already had 6 bottles of wine in the cooler). We sang Happy Birthday to my supervisor (and friend) very loudly (although none of us was drunk, despite the amount of alcohol which had been consumed). Loudly enough to make a LOT of people stare at us. We toasted her and the engagement of our Executive Director's daughter who was there with her future husband and mother-in-law.

Finally the orchestra appeared on stage and the music began. While I am not familiar with much of the music and would not typically listen to it, I enjoy this yearly live performance. (Maybe it's more about the company, food, drinks and overall atmosphere.) So the music started and I was feeling good. (Thinking too much of AIM but still feeling good).

After two numbers, an announcement was made that the condensation was affecting the instruments and so the orchestra would play one last piece and then the fireworks would be displayed. Thank you for coming, we're sorry but we'll see you next year. Understandable? Yes. Disappointing? Yes.

The fireworks created enough light to make it much easier to clean up than last year, however, the fog was coming in so you couldn't see most of the prettiness they offer.

So here I sit, at home thinking that I'm pretty bummed out at the outcome of the evening. Oh well. I had fun while it lasted! I guess I should be thankful for that much!

Caught Up In The Feeling

2005-07-16T11:02:00.000-04:00

Let me start off this post by thanking Missuz J for not only noticing my recent absence from the blogosphere but for questioning it! I am still here. I have even been checking in with you all at least every other day. I have just been lacking the desire to write.

I have recently gotten caught up in the feeling of being a single woman who is interested in a single man (who is likewise interested in me). So many times, I develop crushes on "safe" men. "Safe men" being men with girlfriends or wives; men who are off limits. Men that I cannot allow myself to become attached to. But AIM... AIM is not a safe man. At least not in the above terms. He seems like a good man and I like that about him.

Anyway, I posted a brief update the other day about AIM. Things were looking very good. Glitter and the girls I work with were of the same opinion, "It's only going to be a matter of time before you go out."

We were talking every day. I was excited to talk to him. I got a little rush when I'd see him sign online. And if he IMed me first... well, that was just wonderful especially since it made me feel like less of a psycho-stalker-woman that no man wants to be involved with! Our conversations have generally been light and funny and just plain enjoyable.

Then disaster struck. AIM's mom, who was fighting cancer, passed away. I haven't been pushing myself on him since a) I know how busy he's been with making arrangements etc., b) I don't want to be pushy, and c) this is not about me. I showed my support by going to the wake, sending a card and just letting him know I'm here.

We spoke briefly last night and he told me today is his block party. I already have plans for tonight but I still was disappointed that he didn't invite me (not that I asked him to join me tonight either although I did invite him to a baseball game next weekend).

I've realized during the short time I've been talking to him that I am extremely impatient. We're interested in each other. That much is obvious. I'm not sure how much he has heard about my last relationship from our mutual friends so I can't say that he's taking it slow because of that or because that's just how he does things or even because he's now grieving for his mom. Mind you, it's not that I mind taking things slow. Slow is fine. Maybe my impatience has to do with the fact that I want to kiss him. Badly.

God give me strength! I don't know what to do or how to act or what to say. I'm in like.

A Book Meme

2005-07-15T06:10:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought I'd never have inspiration to write again, Mary saved the day and tagged me with this book meme. Like her, I am a book lover so this is a cool thing to be tagged for!

How many books do you own? A lot. I'm really not sure how many but it's gotten to the point that I'm trying to donate the ones I didn't enjoy or don't feel attached to.

What is the last book you bought? True Believer by Nicholas Sparks. It was a good book but not one of my favorites by him.

What is the last book you read? Summer People by Elin Hildebrand.

What’s the one book that you can’t wait to read? I would say that the next book I can't wait to read is Goodnight, Nobody by Jennifer Weiner.

What 5 books are most important to you? (In no particular order...)
1. Grand Avenue by Joy Fielding. A look at a four-woman friendship over the course of a lifetime.
2. The Summerhouse by Jude Deveraux. Another book about friends who have the opportunity to go back in time and make changes to their lives.
3. Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner.
4. A Perfect Day by Richard Paul Evans.
5. A Time To Kill by John Grisham because it was the book that turned me on to his writing.

Well, I hope anyone who decides to read any of my favorites enjoys them. Thanks to everyone else who has done this and has given me ideas for future reading! Who to tag? Hmmmm.... this time I'll go with Jen and Amy.

Catching Up

2005-07-10T10:37:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to post something all week but I haven't been able to find the words or maybe I just didn't want to jinx myself. Anyway, here's a short update.

Remember AIM? Last Saturday (the 2nd) he gave me his phone number and e-mail address. Being a little shy, I opted for e-mailing him. We've talked through Instant Messenger everyday though. Yesterday was the only day we haven't "talked" because I worked all day (7 am - midnight) but when I got home and signed on there was a message from him. Yay!

We are getting to know one another and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

Here I Am

2005-07-07T23:48:00.000-04:00

After all the anticipation... this is me

What I Want For Him...

2005-07-02T23:58:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been finding inspiration to write in all kinds of places (e.g. music, movies, other blogs, etc.). Some of my entries are straight from the heart and others... well, others come from the deep, dark recesses of my mind that I generally try not to acknowledge.

Last night I watched Bruce Almighty for the umpteenth time. But this time it was different. It cleared things up, in my head and my heart.

Since the movie is a few years old, I'm not worried about giving anything away but if you haven't seen it and want to... stop reading here!

Towards the end of the movie, God asks Bruce if he wants Grace back and Bruce says no. His explanation goes along these lines: "What I want is for her to be happy. I want her to find someone who will love her like she's deserved to be loved. I want her to find someone who will see her as I see her now, through your eyes."

I want those things for my ex as well as these:

True, Deep Love
Laughter from the gut
Forgiveness from the heart
Peace of mind and
Happiness in the soul.

Christmas in June

2005-06-30T09:49:00.000-04:00

The first one of my Christmas gifts came the other day. Wahoo!

Let me clarify, it's not a gift for me; it's a gift from me. It's for my mom and I can hardly wait to give it to her. She loves snowmen so most of her gifts have that particular theme. This gift is no different! It's a doormat. I know it sounds boring but it's very colorful and I know she's going to really like it.

You may be wondering why I'm shopping for Christmas six months in advance and I'll tell you that I'm actually behind schedule this year. The day after Christmas 2003, the ex and I went to Kohl's to hit their discounted holiday section and bought a lot of stuff for my mom for incredibly great prices.

I love Christmas but the end of the year is just too hectic to do all of my shopping. Too many birthdays and conferences for work going on to be able to concentrate. Besides, if I see something in May... I know I'm not going to remember to buy it at the end of the year! So I buy things as I see them and then hide them. It's a great way to avoid being completely broke after the holidays. Of course it does get a little difficult to stick to a monetary limit for each person this way! Ah, well, it's the holidays and I like to give gifts that make people smile!

I get it from my mom, I think. She's mellowed over the years but when I was a kid she'd be done with her shopping by July at the latest. Last year everyone seemed to be having an especially hard time finding gifts for me so I've already started giving my mom ideas. Now that she has the ideas, she can dispense them as she sees fit!

One such idea I told her about was an art table. You can adjust the angle of the table top, which is a big selling point for me! I love to draw though I haven't done much in the last few years. Part of that is because it hurts my back to sit all hunched over and partly because I've been preoccupied. Anyway, funny story. About two months ago, I randomly asked a friend how difficult it would be for me to build one of these tables. Ha! I amuse myself. I'm not that talented! Well, I certainly got my friend's attention and made him laugh a little, I think. He told me I should just buy one instead of trying to build one. About two weeks after this conversation, I was killing some time wandering around a local Michael's store and lo and behold, I found the table I was thinking about for $150. Well, I decided that I since I don't currently have enough space for it I would just have to hold off but that when I was ready to buy it, at least I knew where to find it. I'm glad I didn't get it because last week my mom got a catalog that I flipped through. There was the same type of table but way nicer and for only $10 more than the one I had seen.

Do You Have A...

2005-06-29T17:26:00.000-04:00

This post was generated via GGG05's last post that talks about "tallguy". It brought this story back to my mind and I was going to either e-mail it to GGG05 or post it as a comment for her. But then I figured I wouldn't deprive my readership of probably more of my more amusing stories!

You have to keep in mind that I am very shy and try not to hurt people's feelings. Anyway, I was a sophmore in college and three of my close girlfriends and I (all being single at the time) decided we were going to go to the school's Spring Fling dance. We talked about the dance for weeks leading up to it and I borrowed a dress from one of the girls.

The night of the dance rolled around and I had SEVERE cramps. It was the worst time I've ever had with cramps. I tried to beg out of the evening but the girls pushed so I got dressed and miserably went along.

At one point, the cramps, heels and heat of the student center all closed in on me and I had to escape into the fresh air. One of the girls came with me and she soon ran into a guy she knew. He walked over and was standing in front of me and this is how the conversation went...

Him: "Do you have a REALLY, REALLY big boyfriend?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Do you have a REALLY, REALLY small boyfriend?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Do you have a medium sized boyfriend?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Do you want to dance with me?"

Me: "No."

Well, our mutual friend heard the entire exchange and immediately tried to smooth his feathers by telling him I'm not usually like that and that I just didn't feel good. Our other two friends had come outside to check on me, in enough time to catch the whole thing and were doubled over with laughter.

I left shortly afterwards and I don't think I ever saw that guy again. Of course, I didn't feel bad about my attitude until after my physical discomfort subsided a few days later with the help of some strong muscle relaxers! I wasn't trying to be mean, I just didn't feel well.

Why I Blog

2005-06-29T12:01:00.000-04:00

I was introduced to the world of blogging by Mary. I don't remember exactly how it happened but she gave me the address for her blog so I checked it out and I liked it. Then I started hitting the Next Blog button and found some other blogs that interested me.

The whole idea was intriguing to me. I like to write but can't seem to keep a physical journal going for very long. In a way, I figured if there were people reading my blog, it would be incentive for me to keep writing. And wouldn't you know it, it's worked!

I'll admit that some of the people I've told about my blog haven't quite understood why anyone would want to share personal details of their life with so many strangers but I have an answer for them. I've made some really wonderful friends through blogging. I am able to share my experiences with people in similar situations and like to get their feedback as well. It makes me feel less out of my mind. (This is saying something since I almost always feel like I'm about to go off the deep end!)

I blog because I need an outlet (who doesn't?).
I blog because I want to get different points of view on certain situations.
I blog because it keeps me thinking and, I hope, growing.
I blog because I enjoy it.

What initiated this post, you ask? Zazzafooky got a comment questioning why she writes about some of the more sobering and more personal moments of her life. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it struck me as odd that someone would ask that. It's one person's personal blog. Therefore, that person can share whatever they choose to. If they want to share personal information they should be able to. Granted, not everyone is going to feel comfortable sharing initimate details of their lives but I don't believe anyone is asking them to.

There is one thing that makes me read the blogs I do and it is how the writers open themselves up and share with the rest of us. It's what I believe I do. This blog is not wholly who I am but it's a good part of me and if you don't like it, you don't have to read it.

Head Banging

2005-06-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

Ok, so the truth is that I thought I'd be really clever in naming this post! (I knew I'd get the attention of at least one of my fellow 80s music fans. You know who you are!) But, in reality, it is going to have nothing to do with head banging, in the sense of music and rockers.

What I really want to know is why I feel like I'm always banging my head against a brick wall? No matter what I seem to do, it's never the right/appropriate thing. This isn't to say that everyone in my life thinks I'm a screw-up... not all the time anyway. I feel this way where one particular person is concerned. (Sorry, I'm not going to divulge the identity of this mystery person and even if you guess it, I won't tell. Some things, afterall, are sacred.)

Seriously, I cannot totally blame this person. The feelings do belong to me. I am the owner of the feelings therefore I bear responsibility for them. I'm curious why I have such a difficult time with these feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, incompetency, etc. What makes it so damn difficult for me to just say that I am an individual with beliefs and feelings of my own which deserve some respect?

I know I'm naive but come on? Am I that bad? Do people really wonder if I was raised under a rock away from the world?

Things I Miss

2005-06-26T20:32:00.000-04:00

High school days when my friends and I would go out. It didn't matter if we were going to hang out at someone's house, go to the movies and then the diner, the beach, just take a drive or anything else. The group was together and somehow we always managed to have fun.

Laughing hysterically and uncontrollably at any number of idiotic things my (high school) friends and I were a part of such as Saran-wrapping someone's car, dying 4 dozen Easter eggs and then promptly taking two dozen into the yard to have an Easter egg fight, drinking too much and saying/doing stupid things and the list goes on.

Going home with my sophmore year college roommate on weekends and the feeling of independence that came with joining her.

My friend C busting up into my dorm room after cheerleading practice begging me to get the ice bags off her, coming in all groggy on a Saturday morning to see if I wanted to go to breakfast or us driving around Northeastern North Carolina in her Porsche 911 with 80s hair bands blaring from the radio and us singing at the tops of our lungs.

The people in my life that have passed away (Pop-Pop, Grandpa, Mr. L).

The people in my life I've grown apart from (too many to name but they know who they are).

Yes, it's a little sad to think of all the things, times, people, etc. I miss. I'm quite certain there are many more I could add to the list but these were what entered my mind first. But, I digress. Even though it's sad to miss these things it's wonderful to know that at some point they were a part of my life and that I can miss them knowing what they were. I suppose what I'm getting at is that: "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

Learning To Be Happy With Who I Am

2005-06-25T20:32:00.000-04:00

It was wickedly hot here today which made it seem the appropriate time to read a book entitled, Here Comes Santa Claus. It's the story of three men who meet as boys in an orphange and become best friends. They meet up many years later for the wedding of their mentor and on the long trip north for the wedding, each fall in love (with women).

Yes, it's a "happily ever after" book. But it was sweet and it touched me on a personal level as I was able to relate really well to one of the female characters. The character, Dana, didn't feel feminine or attractive and had a lot of insecurities, especially around the other women and with the man she falls in love with. (Hello? Sounds like me!) But it all works out.

Now, I know I have previously used this blog to question the theory of Love Conquers All. From the depths of heartbreak though, it's hard to fully appreciate the theory. When I feel better it's easier to believe.

As I was reading and felt this bond to the character, I was saddened by the fact that for most of my life I have wanted to be someone else. The someone that I want to be changes pretty frequently but I rarely want to be me. I can attribute this to my fear of everything and my lack of understand about, above all things, myself.

But in allowing these thoughts to the surface, I did have some good thoughts too. Last summer, the agency I work for held a team-building workshop one afternoon for all staff. It's not a large agency but there are a few offices and sometimes it feels like each office is its own entity rather than part of a team.

Anyway, one of the exercises involved the group being split in half and facing one another. Everyone was given enough sheets of paper to write one nice thing for each of the people on the other side of the room. Two of the comments I received nearly made me cry on that day. They were so touching that I folded them up and stuck them in my wallet for a boost, if I needed one (and I often do).

"You are a beautiful person inside as well as out. If you believe in yourself you can accomplish anything. I'm glad that you've joined our family."

"I hope one day soon you will truly appreciate what a beautiful person you are inside and out. Keep that smile beamin'."

The people that wrote these comments don't know that I keep them in my wallet. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure they realized how special their words were to me at all.

I know that there are people out there that love and support me (those I have and have not yet met) and for this I am grateful. I also understand that while a lot of people may not say such things a lot of times, it doesn't mean they don't believe them. I wish I'd been able to believe a little more in my past.

But I can't change the past. I can, however, shape the future and by golly, I'm going to try.